What should I do? Re son and his dad

[Neatorcele]

Name changed as could be outing

I had son when I was 16 and his dad was 16. His dad wasn't ready to be a dad so I told him if/when he is to contact me and we could arrange to meet up. Son is now 5 (6 in December) and his dad has got in contact saying he wants contact with son so we met up at the weekend and son wouldn't go to him or speak to him. Son isn't shy so I don't know why he wouldn't.

His dad is upset and has told me to forget it then as his son doesn't want to know him and he's said he would be a terrible dad anyway.

Advice please

Maybe you were expecting too much. I think a young child going to somebody he doesn’t know is probably too much for him.

Did he expect that now he's 'ready' to play Daddy, that a five year old would be fawning over a total stranger, wanting to play happy families? That he wouldn't have to put in a bit of work, effort, and commitment - more than just one appearance?

what exactly did your child's father expect to happen?

If he thought his son would recognise him (?) and be wanting to interact with him, then he really needs a lesson in reality and growing up

He is a stranger to your son, just as much as any random off the street. Of course your son isn't going to instantly want to interact with him.

His dad is upset and has told me to forget it then as his son doesn't want to know him and he's said he would be a terrible dad anyway

Again, he obviously had very unrealistic expectations. He needs to work on that.

Goodness you took that a bit fast!

I'd have started with a photo, some cards, maybe a present after a month or two (ie his birthday!). Plenty of time for son to get used to the idea, ask questions, just mull it over.

Sounds like the dad is still a baby himself though.

His dad was trying to ask him about his toys etc but son wouldn't talk. We didn't say he was his dad.

Now I don't know what to do

What you do is explain to the dad that this process takes TIME and PATIENCE. Visits, not too long or demanding.

Well it sounds like the father is correct - if one rejection is all it takes to make him walk away - then yes he would be a terrible dad. My advice is to leave it, if he genuinely wants to be involved in your DSs life then he will make the effort again. If not, then doesn't sound like much of a loss.

His dad is a total stranger, one time meet up. What did you both expect? Fgs

He told me to forget it because son doesn't want to talk to him/get to know him.

I know he wants to have a relationship with son.

I think it's really important that a child should know his/her father, unless the father is abusive. Your ex will really have to take his time so that your son gets to know him slowly - it's never going to be a Hollywood movie situation where the child shouts, "Daddy!" and flings himself into his arms. Your ex should focus on the child, his likes and dislikes, who his teacher is etc and not expect a strong relationship immediately.

Unlikely this would be outing. Sadly there are lots of useless parents around.

It was a bit of an ask wasn’t it. It’s his loss if he gives up after one visit and not much you can do to make him step up.

Honestly. Sod that. If he takes rejection that badly (and what on earth does he expect after one visit) then he will never be a good dad. The toys will be thrown out of the pram everytime your son says he prefers you or doesn't comply exactly as he wants.

He needs to build contact slowly and expect it will take ages for your son to be comfortable.

He's right - he will be a terrible dad if he continues to put his own wants and desires ahead of his son's. Did he think he was going to fall into his arms?

Your son likely felt the tension of the situation and acted accordingly. That all said, I think its a child's right to know both parents (barring abuse) and so - unfairly - you have to continue to step up here. Could you meet him without your son to talk things through? Is there someone you know wit experience of children who can help explain how children work to the dad?

Well if he really wants a relationship with his son, he needs to stop acting like a big fucking baby. Basically having a tantrum because his son didn't perform for him? Was he expecting some sort of hero's return??

He sounds like he's not grown up at all. I actually think you should do fuck all to help him. If he wants to maintain contact, support it, but you don't have to engineer their relationship, especially as he doesn't seem capable or willing to do it himself.

So it's fine for him to reject his son, but totally unacceptable for it to be the other way round? No harm done, just leave it another five years.

The dad sounds like an immature twat. I suppose he wanted his son to fawn all over him and call him daddy. Idiot.

I think you have to leave the ball in his court. I also hope he's paying child support.

You've dodged a bullet as he hasn't matured in 5 years.

I think he wanted son to talk to him.

Yeah well your son is a person, a small child, not a performing monkey.

He obviously doesn't get that, and tbh it doesn't really sound a lot like you do either.

I'd start talking to your son about his Dad and ask if he wants to see him again. If he does, engineer a slower meeting. Can you both meet him at soft play? Dad can join in when your son has warmed to him a bit.
Like others say, I wouldn't keep my child from the other parent but he is acting like a petulant man-child and needs to grow up.

Well dad doesnt seem to have matured at all in the last 5 years does he?

I think his dad needs to prove himself before to gets to walk back in like nothing has happened.

He needs to be realistic about his expectations of a 5 year old child. Short and frequent meetings should be the way forward. Dont tell your son he's coming to start with or who he is. Preferably in an environment your son is comfortable. If the dad turns up when he says and takes things slowly , then you can increase periods of time and start to tell him who he is. I have to say though, your xP sounds very immature and it didn't take much to take the 'get out' option whilst conveniently blaming your son. Red flag.

Have you kept in touch with any of his wider family? If your son sees his grandparents etc perhaps they could help? Otherwise do you talk at all about his dad? Tell stories about him / when you were together? All those things could help, but basically he needs to be committed, and be prepared to take things slowly. Good luck

It's not at all unusual for a young child not to talk to a person they don't know on first contact. Just because your son isn't usually shy, it doesn't mean he was rejecting his dad. He doesn't know this man FFS. It will take several meetings, short in length, for your son to build up confidence to talk to your ex. If your ex doesn't have the patience to build up gradually and wait for your son to be ready, then absolutely, he won't be a good dad. You need to realise this too. Your short answers, repeating the same stuff, makes it sound like you're confused too that your son didn't behave like a performing monkey.

He sees his grandparents occasionally but they live quite far away. I haven't told son about when me and his dad were together or about his dad as I didn't know if he actually would want contact in the future.