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Original poster

What should I do? Re son and his dad

63 replies

Neatorcele · 10/10/2019 12:32

Name changed as could be outing

I had son when I was 16 and his dad was 16. His dad wasn't ready to be a dad so I told him if/when he is to contact me and we could arrange to meet up. Son is now 5 (6 in December) and his dad has got in contact saying he wants contact with son so we met up at the weekend and son wouldn't go to him or speak to him. Son isn't shy so I don't know why he wouldn't.

His dad is upset and has told me to forget it then as his son doesn't want to know him and he's said he would be a terrible dad anyway.

Advice please

OP posts:
AllosaurusMum · 10/10/2019 15:17

If you didn’t tell him he was meeting his dad who did he think he was meeting?

Original poster
Neatorcele · 10/10/2019 15:20

He didn't think he was meeting anyone. His dad came and was talking to him and asking him about his toys etc.

OP posts:
AudacityOfHope · 10/10/2019 15:21

So as his mum, what advice do you want to give the dad? You know your son best; what will you tell him about how he should approach things, and what will you tell him about your son's personality that will help him understand that it's a delicate situation?

At the moment it appears that you think you have to make excuses for your son to the dad. Which you absolutely don't.

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AmIThough · 10/10/2019 15:23

Did you not introduce your son to him?

You should be glad he knows not to talk to strange men in the park...

Ask your son what he thought of the man he met. See what he says.

madcatladyforever · 10/10/2019 15:23

Don't do anything. It's not up to you. Your son's father isn't willing to even try and has just given up after day one.
My son's father wasn't in his life until he was 18 as he was hopeless and a danger to everyone. My son is fine with that hardly ever sees him and doesn't blame me for the situation.as long as he knows who his father is he'll be fine.
I'd be careful of giving too much to the father it can lead to custody battles and all kinds of shit later on.

Original poster
Neatorcele · 10/10/2019 15:34

I would've told son he was his dad if he started talking to him.

I've already told his dad sons personality.

OP posts:
AudacityOfHope · 10/10/2019 15:39

Jesus this is like trying to talk to a brick wall.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 10/10/2019 15:45

So he’ll be at an age where he’s beginning to be aware that most other kids have a mum and a dad (whether together or not). You can talk around the subject by having a conversation about families, maybe about the idea of a family tree so there’s you, your parents (granny, grandad, whatever), aunties, uncles, cousins.. Then there’s his dad, and his name is X, and he has blond hair and likes football (or something relevant that a 5 year old will understand). Just keep bringing it up naturally in conversation. But on his Dad’s side, he needs to be prepared to be in it for the long haul, and not expect an instant connection.

Original poster
Neatorcele · 10/10/2019 16:10

I've asked son what he thinks of him and he said 'he's good'. I'll talk to him about family etc.

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 10/10/2019 16:31

To be honest it sounds as if you are more disappointed with your son rather than his Dad. Did you and he honestly think everything would be hunky dory after all this tine ?

Original poster
Neatorcele · 10/10/2019 16:46

No i knew it would be more than one visit before son went to him and was playing with him etc but I did think son would talk to him.

OP posts:
MeggyMeg · 10/10/2019 17:23

Kids pick up on atmospheres and vibes. I imagine it was all a tad awkward and your son picked up on it. There should be no expectations on the child. It's up to the adults if this works.

pallisers · 10/10/2019 17:29

he fecks off for 5 years without thinking of his child and then is prepared to feck off again because a 5 year old wouldn't talk to him. what a man.

I can't really see what he will bring to your son's life tbh but if you think it is worth it maybe explain to him that building a relationship with a child (or indeed anyone) takes time and effort.

lyralalala · 10/10/2019 18:12

He's being very unrealistic, as are you a bit tbh. Children are very perceptive. He'll have picked up on the fact that you were both nervous so he'll have been nervous.

Also, if you didn't explain who he was then he'll have been wondering who the random guy who came to visit was.

If he wants to walk away from his child after one visit that wasn't a disaster (the first time my girls seen their Dad after a 3 year break when they were 6 one of them screamed the whole time) then he's not really got the strength to be a parent. Being a Dad is tough, he needs to realise that, and it's not fair to float in and out of your sons life on a whim.

Original poster
Neatorcele · 10/10/2019 19:10

I've told him that he is his dad.

I'm thinking about asking if his dad would want to go out for lunch with me and son tomorrow so they could talk or see each other so son gets used to him as son has an inset day tomorrow.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 10/10/2019 19:20

So a 5 year old boy didn’t want to talk to a stranger.

And your ex has decided to give up after one try Hmm. He hasn’t matured much, has he?

Original poster
Neatorcele · 10/10/2019 19:41

I'm thinking of asking him if he wants to go out for lunch with me and son but not sure that that's to fast?

OP posts:
Majorcollywobble · 10/10/2019 21:40

It’s not all about what his birth father wants surely ? He’s a very immature 21 year old if he thinks a five year old will be chatty immediately to what is to him a complete stranger . You too are being a bit unfair - put yourself in your son’s place and imagine what this is like for him .

heyjoeyitsestelle · 10/10/2019 21:44

I've told him that he is his dad

Sorry what? When?
How did you introduce him in the park??

hidinginthenightgarden · 10/10/2019 22:19

You are moving way too fast.
When children are adopted they have an “introduction period”. Firstly the parents are introduced in theory, lists of talking about the roles of parents and some pictures of the perspective parents. After a few weeks of this, gauging the child’s reaction and seeing how they cope the parents are introduced for just an hour or so. Kind of like the way you did in the park. This gradually builds up until the child is moved in. You didn’t prepare your son at all. Just took him to the park to meet a stranger. You need to talk to him, build the idea of another parent into the picture way before you start pushing on face to face meet ups. In fact a phone call or letter would have been more appropriate than ambushing him in the park.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/10/2019 23:58

I think your ex needs to grow the fuck up tbh. Of course a young child who he has failed to build a relationship with isn't going to go to him straight away. If he wants to build a relationship he will have to invest his time and patience.

AlwaysCheddar · 11/10/2019 06:52

Yo I r ex wants a relationship with his son but because his 5 year old didn’t speak to him, he said forget it.... what a loser. How immature and stupid can you be. It takes time... slow introductions etc. You both need to realise your son is not a plaything.

Janaih · 11/10/2019 06:59

you can't force a relationship. sounds like your ex was trying too hard, interrogating him about his toys.

maybe professional help is needed here?

AmIThough · 11/10/2019 07:04

How does your son feel? What did he say when you told him he's his dad?

He will probably feel really confused if he has never had a dad and most of his friends have.

rookiemere · 11/10/2019 07:09

OP you need to think about why you're so keen to foster a relationship with the man who abandoned his DS and left you to it for 5 years. I suspect you may be hoping for a fairytale ending, but frankly at this point in time your DS is the one showing good judgment.

If this man is serious he will come to you to meet his DS again, he should be doing the facilitation and arrangements at this stage - the fact he has gone off in a huff instead shows just how ready he is to be a good father.

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