Teen has fallen out with me ... am I in the wrong?

[Dieu]

Hi all. My middle daughter is 13, and isn't a saint, but in general very kind and lovely.
Today after school she came home from school with a friend, and they were looking very pleased with themselves. Here is how the conversation went:

S. (daughter): Guess what we did after school?
Me: what?!
S: we stood on the street for half an hour, and complimented people as they walked by.
Me: umm, what?
S: yeah, we wanted to spread some happiness and make people feel good.
Me: so what kind of things did you say?
S: just, I like your jacket, and stuff.
Me: and how did they react?
S: most were fine, one was a bit mean.
Me: I'm not sure it was very appropriate. I mean, some people might have thought you were being sarcastic. And felt uncomfortable.
S: fine (flouncing off). Then I won't bother doing it again. I thought you'd be proud.

Is it just me? I'm all for kindness, praise and positivity, but channelled in the right way, not a cringey way.

This might have been better in the 'batshit crazy conversations' thread

I think it was sweet

Paying it forward is a lovely thing to do!! Don’t knock it, there’s loads of negativity int he world.

It might have been better to talk more about how people reacted before questioning whether or not the activity was appropriate. I appreciate that kids can be sarcy, but it seems a bit of a shame to burst her bubble within a few sentences.

Really depends on their delivery but I wouldn’t have praised it either.

I skimmed too fast through your intro to get to the conversation and thought this has been an activity their school took them out to do! That would have been odd.

It is the kind of thing 13 year olds do though...

Absolutely! And I'm generally a positive person myself, who very much believes in compliments. But with strangers on the street? The thought of it made me uncomfortable.

I'm with the girls on this one.and, please, tell her you are proud of her and her friend for their lovely thought.

That is very sweet but sadly not everyone would have thought so. Why not help her find other ways to be kind, donating to a foodbank or fundraising for a charity for example.

Ah it's nice. Even if they did it in a micky taking way. Most people will be confused, but, you know, they could have turned someone's shit day/week/year around.

Come to think of it, I'll bet my bottom dollar it's currently a 'thing' on YouTube or whatever.

she hoped that you'd be happy/pleased with what she'd done - you made her feel that she'd been naïve. Sounds like she wants to please you (and make people happy) and you slightly threw it back in her face?

It sounds like a pay it forward approach. I think it's quite nice. I can see why you felt uncomfortable a bit but with friends in public I wouldn't worry.

However much as I'm not a parent of a teen, the first rule of teaching teens is that at any moment in time even the tiniest (not unreasonable) thing is enough to make you the most unreasonable ogre on earth.

Your DC sounds like a really sweet kid.

I’d have called them on their virtue signalling tbh.

I need to go to sleep,wasn't even the intro where it was explained. Never mind.

Probably wouldn't have hurt to have had a slightly more nuanced conversation about why it might not have been the outstanding idea it had seemed to them. Things are black and white to teenagers. Maybe stomp on her changing-the-world parade more gently next time.

If a pair of teens said something like that to me I'd definitely think they were taking the piss for a laugh

Shame on you, OP – of all the parades to piss on.

She and her friend are trying, in a very 13-year old way, to spread some positivity in the world, and your reaction is to put it down in case some people felt uncomfortable receiving an unsolicited compliment from a teenager?

What about if it made someone's day? Put an unexpected smile on someone's face? Gave them a little burst of relief that kids these days aren't just skulking around moaning about everything?

God forbid YOU feel uncomfortable, though.

Think your daughter deserves an apology, and a belated high five for trying, albeit in an unusual way, to brighten up the world a bit.

I don't think it's appropriate for 13 year olds to strike up a conversation with strangers, however well-meaning.

lyingwanker
Would you?
In the absence of sarcasm, laughs etc then I would probably take it at face value.

Then again I see the lovely side of teenagers every day and they can be the sweetest when you least expect them to be.

If I walked past teenagers before I had one and they said, ,"nice hair", I'd assume they were taking the piss. Now i have one, who is nice , I'd not so much. However, people aren't great at receiving compliments however well intentioned so I would probably advise mine that she was being kind but to not continue in her complimentary ventures unless genuinely put in the right place at the right time.

I think it was lovely! And even if they were taking the piss I’d think it was funny.

Teenagers can be amazing. Ex secondary school teacher here.
My first reaction - and I was certainly caught unawares - was that it was a slightly odd thing to do. Certainly not the done thing when I was that age anyway!
We've since had a proper chat (when she emerged from her phone ) about it, and I've told her that she's kind and lovely and I'm always proud of her, but just in general. I did say I was sorry for my initial reaction, but I do stand by what I said about not everyone necessarily liking it.
Interestingly, I ran it past her older sister, to see if I really was out of order. My eldest is 18 and ASD. She said she'd have hated it if two teens directed this at her in the street, as she'd just assume they were taking the piss. Her self-confidence is much lower than that of her younger sister.

Anyway, the majority apparently smiled and said thanks, so no harm done.

Not that altruistic is it if she did it for praise! 😂

Ha ha!

I think your chat with her about it later was perfect. I would have probably had your first reaction too, due to safeguarding and that they may be inadvertently attracting the wrong kind of attention.