Teen has fallen out with me ... am I in the wrong?

[Dieu]

Hi all. My middle daughter is 13, and isn't a saint, but in general very kind and lovely.
Today after school she came home from school with a friend, and they were looking very pleased with themselves. Here is how the conversation went:

S. (daughter): Guess what we did after school?
Me: what?!
S: we stood on the street for half an hour, and complimented people as they walked by.
Me: umm, what?
S: yeah, we wanted to spread some happiness and make people feel good.
Me: so what kind of things did you say?
S: just, I like your jacket, and stuff.
Me: and how did they react?
S: most were fine, one was a bit mean.
Me: I'm not sure it was very appropriate. I mean, some people might have thought you were being sarcastic. And felt uncomfortable.
S: fine (flouncing off). Then I won't bother doing it again. I thought you'd be proud.

Is it just me? I'm all for kindness, praise and positivity, but channelled in the right way, not a cringey way.

Thanks

She did a sweet thing!

If teens did that to me in the street I'd still be thinking about it wondering if they were being sarcastic. I'd probably think they were. I'm thinking of a few incidents that have happened to me now. But then I've been bullied, taken the piss out of and humiliated a lot in my life and have no self-esteem. I avoid groups of teens in public after various incidents as a young adult. Sorry but it was a terrible idea

So yeah, totally agree with your DD1. And sympathies to her. I do believe they meant well. Sounds like you had a good talk anyway.

And even if they were taking the piss I’d think it was funny.

That's really depressing. I'm a grumpy old cow these days, without any major self esteem issues and if I walked past someone who complimented me and I thought they were taking the piss I'd probably tell them to grow up (or something slightly less polite). But un-confident 18 year old me would have been devastated by someone taking the piss out of my appearance. As would a lot of people, women in particular. Why would deliberately hurting people's feelings be funny? I can't get my head around that.

Wow genuine nice kids with mum weirded out by it. Strange thread.

I think it’s weird and would not want to be accosted by a group of teenagers. It is so incredibly insincere so I don’t think you were wrong to tell her it was inappropriate.

Jesus, it's a really sad day when teenage girls being nice to people becomes "virtue signalling" and apparently needs admonishment..
I'd encourage the spread of positivity and pay it forward attitude but perhaps in a safer way.

you have a really sweet and thoughtful daughter

They were virtue signalling. They didn’t do it to make people feel better. They did it because they were being giddy and fancied a bit of novelty. Then they went bragging about it feeling all smug with themselves. They did it for themselves.

I have seen this on FB & appreciate the light up someone's day sentiment. I think the fact they did it as a pair makes it more likely to seem like taking the mickey.

If she had said to one person nice jacket or whatever it would be a meaningful interaction. To do it as a mass exercise diminishes the sincerity.

I'd assume they were taking the piss or selling religion.

It is so incredibly insincere

When do we get to decide what's sincere for other people?

If you can't imagine doing it yourself and being able to give a sincere compliment each time, that's your issue, surely?

Of course the OP's daughter could have done what she did in a more subtle and nuanced way, taking into account all the possibilities of how people might react and feel – but she's 13.

How subtle and nuanced were all of us at 13?

She's learning –and unlike a lot of 13 year olds I know, she's TRYING to find ways to improve the world around her. And as adults, SURELY we're not unable to take that for what it is, rather than making it about us and how, god forbid, maybe this child actually DOESN'T like our jacket?

It's one thing if it's 16 year olds who smell of alcohol shouting things in a jeering manner from a park bench, but a 13 year old calling out "I like your jacket'? Really? We can't cope with that?

Of course she did it like a tiny bull in a china shop – she's still a kid – but nobody ever exploded from a misplaced compliment, and teaching our children to stay silent and disconnected from the people around them is a really unfortunate part of what's splintering our society as a whole.

OP - glad to hear you smoothed things over with your daughter.

but a 13 year old calling out "I like your jacket'? Really? We can't cope with that?

Who said they couldn’t cope with it? people said they wouldn’t like it. But I can’t see anyone say they couldn’t cope with it. You’re making things up.

You have clearly done a great job bringing up a lovely thoughtful daughter up.
You should be very proud,as I`m sure you are.

She had good intentions, you shot her down. YABU

She sounds lovely and we'll intentioned but if two teenage girls complimented me in the street I would think they were taking the piss out of me so I agree with you. Maybe that says more about the area I like in though

I think that all the people who say that they would have thought it was sarcastic.... well it says more about them than about the person who gave the compliment tbh.

It is always very clear when someone makes a sarcastic comment and when someone is being sincere. Can’t you tell??
And really, do you have such a bad idea of how teenagers behave that your first thought is that they have to be taking the piss out of you?

I think it’s very sad tbh.
Even if said teens very a bit ‘virtue signalling’ it was clearly coming from a good place and clearly the people in the street took it that way too.....

As for people who say ‘they wouldnt like, it’, why?
Are you uncomfortable of strangers are giving you compliment?
Is it that you dint like to feel like you stand out?

I have been like this before. And I’ve learnt that sort of attitude comes from not having a great self confidence and being uncomfortable with myself. Nothing to do with the person giving the compliment and whether it’s on or not.

I think the girls did something lovely and would have praised my kids for that! Being kind to others, particularly strangers, is a sadly dying art and for the kids to be bringing it back that's lovely. Who knows what the effect of just one of those compliments might have been on a stranger? Could have changed someone's life (seriously).

You were a bit mean to be so down on her when she was excited about having spread a little love. I'm glad you've managed to smooth the waters a bit.

I suspect it only feels like an odd thing to do because a lot of people are so closed off in their own personal world that they don't consider strangers much anymore.

Isn't this called a Random Act of Kindness, I'm sure I've seen threads on MN before where people shared (that sounds very wanky for some reason) compliments etc they have received?

I think rather than standing and complimenting people, I would advise that doing it in passing when they genuinely see something they admire, it would be much better. I do think she sounds very sweet. A teenager told my DD (also teenage) on the bus the other week she liked her bag and it made DD's day, especially as it was her first day of college and she was very nervous.

I get a lot of lovely comments about my hair, strangely mostly from teenagers or elderly ladies, perhaps some of them are taking the piss, but I don't mind. In kind, I also tell people I like their perfume or ask where they got their bag from, and I genuinely mean it. These exchanges are usually in queues for tills!

I think if we can make people a little bit happier, even briefly, it's a good thing. I also think at my age I am old enough to tell the difference between a genuine compliment and a piss take, and old enough not to give a monkeys if it's the latter. I love my hairstyle and that's all that matters.

Okay that sounds really vain saying lots of people compliment my hair I absolutely don't have gorgeous hair, I lost some through alopecia and now it's shaved with a coloured Mohican Its turned one of the things I was upset about into a positive.

I think that all the people who say that they would have thought it was sarcastic.... well it says more about them than about the person who gave the compliment tbh.

Yes it says they’ve experience of people calling out to them in the street and have learned that it’s usually to make fun or offend.

It is always very clear when someone makes a sarcastic comment and when someone is being sincere. Can’t you tell??

1. no it isn’t always clear. Not everyone is clear in their intent

2. not everyone is good at interpreting intent. People with autism for example may not know whether they are being made fun of (again) or not. This is something people who choose to call out to others in the street, supposedly to make the other person feel better, should consider before doing it. It may not have the effect they are telling everyone it had.

Ah i think her intentions were lovely but you are being too cynical the kids got mostly positive responses you are being a bit miserable.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart – and you're fixating on a couple of words that really aren't key to the point I was making.

But if we're going there, then if people CAN cope with that and they just wouldn't like it, then that's no reason to tell the OP's daughter she was wrong to do it.

Someone will always get their knickers in a dramatic twist no matter what you do, and that doesn't make it a bad thing to look for ways to make people smile.