Most batshit conversations you've had recently.

[highheelsandbobblehats]

Inspired by a conversation I had at work today, tell me the most batshit things you've heard recently.

Mine was.

Colleague (in her 30s): They speak Spanish in Italy don't they?

Me: (momentarily stunned). They speak Italian in Italy...

How?!?!

I've name-changed for this, as my FIL, lovely as he is, is a goldmine for this sort of batshittery, but these are some of the best:

FIL: "Mrs Grady - how would you interpret those parking signs that say 'free parking one hour, no return within two hours'? (Note - there are no parking meters at all.)
Me: "Erm, well, it's free for an hour, and after that hour is up you can't come back and park in the same place within two hours. Why, how would you interpret it?"
FIL: "I thought you couldn't return to your car for two hours after you'd parked there."
Me: "So how would that be enforced? What would be the point? And why would you get an hour free, but not be allowed to return to your car when that hour is up? Is some parking warden going to tell you that you have to stay out for another hour or more when you've just popped into the shops for 10 minutes for a pint of milk?
FIL: "Well, you know what the council is like - they probably want you to park up or longer and spend more money in the shops."

Also FIL: "Oh I don't use the internet for emails, I just go on my ipad."

Also FIL: "I didn't answer my phone because I didn't recognise the number."
DH: "But it was me calling Dad, didn't it come up as my name in your phone?"
FIL: "Well I have to look at my list."
DH: "What list?"
Turns out that FIL, instead of putting people's number in his phone, has a post-it note with the relevant numbers, and checks that if he wants to make or receive a call.

The other day we were watching the rugby and I mentioned the tartan on their kit, cue a twenty minute discussion on tartans.

DH struggled to accept that birds are animals . Mammals and animals are the same thing apparently. I have no idea what he thought fish were, sea plants I assume.

I remember a lovely health care assistant who was suffering from insomnia. She told us she went to see her GP about it, he gave her some sleeping tablets. Sadly she couldn't take them, she explained, as she read the leaflet and it said " do not take if pregnant or nursing"
We were speechless.

A conversation with a 7 year old on Beaver sleepover: on being asked yet again to find a quiet voice at 6am, he said "well yes I was shouting, but I was really trying hard to shout quietly"
Or "how old are you?" "18" "so you're a grown up" "yes" "and leaders are grown ups?" "yes" "but you're not a leader are you, you're not old enough" erm yes I am but whatever

I live in the midlands, I mentioned to a colleague that we were going on holiday to Wales.

Colleague: are you going on the ferry to Wales?

Me: no

Colleague: how are you getting there then?

Me: erm, up the A5

I have a holiday home in Portugal, friends that stayed here recently couldn't understand the difference between Gracias and Obrigado, respectively thank you in Spanish and Portuguese. They had difficulty in understanding that Portuguese people would rather be thanked in Portuguese than Spanish.
As they are Welsh friends, I asked them how they felt when people assume that they are English.
Penny dropped then

Re food and class and similar

My lovely gran could never get her head round me being veggie.

On one occasion she actually said "that cannae be enough tae feed her, there's nae mair than 75p of food on that plate!"

It was piled high with all the veg of a roast, Yorkshire pud and stuffing - I struggled to finish it😂😂😂

Bless her! She was a cracking cook just really struggled with vegetarianism.

"My very intelligent college" an unintelligent college wouldn't get many students!

Batshittery relating to being scots (I see similar comments being applied to other parts of the U.K. Too):

What currency do you use
Do you have the Internet? Is it just dial up?
What tv do you watch there? How can you watch BBC?!
Do you have Drs?
There are universities there? (Said with incredulous suspicion by someone who REALLY wasn't the brightest themselves)

Sorry to drag the thread down but dd and I were recently discussing how we feel a disconnect with each other in relation to 9/11 - I can clearly remember the world as it was before 9/11 but she was only 7 months old when it happened so she's grown up in a world where pretty much everything is influenced by it, certainly travel.

GaudyNight - it's truly shocking the ignorance of so many on the matter - especially the politicians who have SUPPOSEDLY had a top notch education!

"I overheard tourists in Windsor,
"Oh wow, that is such an amazing castle, but why have they built it so close to the airport?""
Ugh! I used to live in a tourist destination, VERY old town most of the buildings many hundreds of years old:

Tourists (must be said usually Americans) "but why did they make the streets so small and not build driveways" THERE WERE NO CARS THEN YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! These are buildings that may be used as homes now but were previously things like churches, counting houses, prisons and so on and this fact is clearly indicated by house names and loads of tourist info all over the place but no, too hard to think about apparently!

Re "how does the painkiller know to go to my knee?" As an ex nurse I've been asked that or variations of MANY times, ditto antibiotics. I've mentioned this one before but we had one patient admitted due to "uncontrollable" diabetes, sugars all over the shop, nobody could figure it out, he'd (with mum's help) kept a detailed food diary, activity diary the lot! Then I noticed his mother on a visit hand him a litre bottle of lucozade! NOWHERE had the drinking of lucozade been mentioned! They'd not included it in the food diary because it wasn't a food and wasn't taken at mealtimes! (They'd noted his drinks at mealtimes mainly water and Diet Coke!) - the utterly batshit conversation the poor diabetic nurse had to have with them both was INSANE. They would NOT ACCEPT that it was basically liquid sugar - as far as they were concerned it was like vitamins! similar issues with patients with known allergies puzzled why they're having reactions when they had "only had a tiny bit" "but it's cooked into the dish" "it was only on the side" etc - people are stupid!

Don't even get me started on my ex!

The pill apparently works by making women grow a skin across the cervix to prevent sperm getting through

He thought raw onions were poisonous

That if you ate a food at 0001 hours that had a use by date of the date 2 mins earlier you'd automatically get food poisoning

That hangovers are ACTUALLY food poisoning

He found it utterly bizarre that I read for pleasure as he didn't know anyone that read after leaving school and having to for homework

He was an "I don't do politics" guy who genuinely believed politics didn't affect him at all - he was in the army! - seriously don't get me started! And no I don't know wtf I saw in him either!

My lovely mum who is generally pretty intelligent, refuses to do online banking as she's convinced this would mean pretty much anyone could access her account with "that Internet thingy" and steal all her money!

@Graphista the ‘cooked in’ food thing really gets to me. I can’t digest peppers so avoid them. A very good friend who I had spoken to about this made a lasagne with peppers in and was surprised when I noticed. She thought that cooking them would make them ok.
When ex sis in law found out that I wouldn’t actually have anaphylactic shock and die (just have bad pains, be sick, feel like shit) she stopped even thinking about what she offered me. As long as I wouldn’t die it was fine.

Oh ffs! That's awful grannybags, such selfish people!

@WanderingMind ”so if I measure round the top of this cube, will the bottom of the cube be different measurements?”
I teach maths, and more than one student has needed a lot of convincing that the long diagonal through the centre of a cube is longer than the diagonal of one of the square faces. (I like your username, just right for this thread!)

I saw this discussion happen at a school fundraising stall, which had a large picture of a skeleton with only one arm. A parent and child approached the smiling teenage girl behind the stall.
Parent: What's the game?
Teenager: You have to pin the arm on the skeleton.
Parent: But that's easy!
Teenager: You're blindfolded.
Parent (genuinely surprised) Oh. (To the child) Go on, have a go.
Teenager (after blindfolding the child): Can you see?
Child: Yes.
Teenager (checks child is blindfolded): Are you sure?
Child: Yes, I can see the scarf.
Teenager: Ah, as long as you can't see the skeleton. (Spins child round)
Parent (to the child): You were facing the right way, and that nasty girl has turned you away!

Never before was a simple and well-known game so complicated...

Long time ago I was an au pair in the USA. The kids’ cousins came to stay, and their mum brought along a 15-year-old girl to help out (from California).

This girl asked me all manner of crazy questions, but the best was, Oh my God, you have an accent! What language do they speak in England?

Recent convo with my mum whilst sitting in the doctors waiting room. She was talking about the Beatles song Blackbird that she had recently heard for the first time. She said ‘I expect George Harrison wrote it’ Me (knowing he didn’t ) “oh?” Mum ‘Oh yes, he was the only Beatle with any real talent.’
Normally when she says crazy stuff I just go along with it because I know it is a waste of my breath disagreeing with her but I couldn’t let that one slide so I replied “I dunno Mum, a lot of people think Lennon and McCartney were pretty good” to which she responded with a disdainful sniff ‘Well, up to a point’.
It was surreal, like an old Peter Cook and Dudley Moore sketch.

Another one when visiting an African born friend at her holiday villa in Greece and I ordered sardines in a restaurant. She told the waiter “Don’t bring her those, she won’t like them, she’s English and English people don’t eat sardines”

With my daughter
“I love doing prayers in assembly because you get to trip up your friends”

@YesQueen. In fairness, it’s sometimes worth persisting when you are told ‘the earliest date available is x’. I was recently told the earliest date for a pre-op assessment for DFIL was January 2020. I asked them to please double check as he was in a lot of discomfort/lived alone/was becoming depressed (all quite true and I was very worried about him). After an eyeroll from the receptionist and a bit of huffing and puffing she managed to make an appointment for the following week. I cannot express how grateful I am to her.