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Original poster

Life of an only child

73 replies

Belfield · 30/09/2019 10:07

I would be grateful if anyone who was an only child could tell me truthfully what it was like growing up? I have an only child and as I am from a big family, I worry about him being lonely. There is not much I can do about it. I'm 41 and have had a miscarriage and have thyroid disease. We are not trying for another due to age/thyroid and my DH being happy with one. Even if they are negative, please let me know because there is something I could probably do to ease some of that. Our DS is very happy and has never sought a sibling so outwardly everything is fine. We do playdates/live near his cousins/moved to an estate with neighbours his age/kept him in same creche/school so that he has the same group. We spend time with him/play with him. Is there anything else that we should be doing? Thanks

OP posts:

Dowser · 30/09/2019 10:17

I was an only child and I missed not having siblings.
Funnily enough there were two only children near where I lived.
I hated it when my friend next door was brought inby her mother because her brother was naughty
That felt very unfair to me and I felt like I was being punished
I think I was very sensitive
I felt my parents could’ve made more effort in taking me to my cousins in the next town to play
I was determined I wasn’t going to have only children , so I had three.
Sorry if it’s not what you wanted to hear.
I was a much loved only child. They took me out and played games with me
My aunt had no children and lived in the next street so I was much adored by them also
To make matters worse..there were two single beds in my bedroom
My parents looked into adoption and then backed out at the last mome
Mum had a difficult birth with me. The cord was round my neck. Dad thought he was going to lose us both..maybe that was why they didn’t have any more
Mum said she didn’t want one in a prom, one sat on a prom and one walking alongside a pram
So there you go..

Ker100 · 30/09/2019 10:27

Hi Belfield I could have written your post.. I'm 41 with one DS and have thyroid disease. The doctor has said we are ok to try if we really want to, but my husband is happy with one and I just don't know if I can face doing it all again.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 30/09/2019 10:28

My 3 year old would much prefer if we hadn’t had another child.

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NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2019 10:29

Growing up? Didn’t bother me - I didn’t know anything else. Bothers me far more as an adult: no wider family, no help with problem elderly parents etc. But - there are pros and cons with every scenario. All you can do is maximise the positives (more time, money, attention etc) and try to mitigate the negatives (play dates etc).

SwizzelStick · 30/09/2019 10:31

It was great. I loved it. I've never wished for a sibling and the older I get the more grateful I am that I don't.

ivykaty44 · 30/09/2019 10:36

Great childhood, fabulous Christmas time, always could have friends over from school and lots of fun.

I think tbh parents worry to much over only children

SilverChime · 30/09/2019 10:37

Truthfully it has never bothered me. I never had to share anything. Always got my own way. Had as much quiet and privacy as I wanted, and a lovely peaceful home environment with no bickering. Never felt inferior to a sibling or like I was competing. All of the available resources were mine - my parents’ time, their money, the space in their house, their car. As an adult I received all of the help my parents could provide, especially with childcare. And I received every penny of inheritance which has made a massive difference to my quality of life, I wouldn’t have been able to buy a house if I’d had to share that money.

The negative side I suppose is having 100% responsibility for providing my ageing parents with companionship and care. But the benefits have far outweighed that, I wouldn’t wish for a sibling.

FiveShelties · 30/09/2019 10:39

I am an only child, loved it growing up. Never missed having siblings. My parents played with me, gave me a love of reading which I still have, but most of all I am independent. I always wanted to have one child but was unable to have children. I think the ability to be comfortable in my own company has allowed me to accept that and build a pretty good life for myself.

My husband is one of three and it took me a while to accept the way they treat each other. I was definitely not used to the 'rough and tumble' of sibling behaviour!

You play with your boy, spend time with him and love him ---- what more does he need?

Squashpocket · 30/09/2019 10:40

I'm an only child. I didn't mind not having siblings as a child because I didn't know any different. I miss it a lot more as an adult. Now my parents are dead/elderly, I soon won't have any family.

But my DH has 2 siblings and would tell you having siblings is shit, so I don't think you can win.

StormBaby · 30/09/2019 10:41

I'm an only child. I had a very difficult relationship with my mum, she was a single parent and she openly blamed me for ruining her life. However, there were lots of things she did do right: our house was always open to all, we lived in a lovely little cul-de-sac and it was like a commune. We all had free reign in and out of each others houses. As a teen my house was the winter hangout, we'd all squish in my tiny room and watch TV til late. We had lots of pets. I was a creative child and spent a lot of time honing my art skills or writing poetry.

Sadly as an adult I am extremely lonely and have struggled for a long time with this. This has gotten worse in recent years as my mum passed away recently and my dad disappeared 8 years ago. since my stepmum died he just, well, went wandering. So I'm now all alone, just my own kids and my DH. I would love a sibling to share memories with.

FiveShelties · 30/09/2019 10:42

@SilverChime - I would have welcome a sibling as I looked for a home to take my Dad with dementia - this was definitely a time when it is tough on your own.

Original poster

Belfield · 30/09/2019 10:48

@Ker100 that's funny that we are both in the same position. My Dr. says it is fine also but then I think even with a normal thyroid, it is not that easy to get pregnant. I was devastated by the MC so don't really want to go through that. Also our son is now almost nine so there would be quite a significant gap. Do you have a younger DS? I feel guilty alot about it, even though we were trying for years. People have said to me that unless you do IVF you are not really trying which makes me feel guiltier!

OP posts:

Original poster

Belfield · 30/09/2019 10:50

Thanks so much, for all the comments, good and bad. I really appreciate those sharing bad experiences also as it can help do things differently, if possible.

OP posts:

SwizzelStick · 30/09/2019 10:52

As for the care thing. Having a sibling is far from a guarantee of help. I've cared for family members and I've worked in care and so often it falls on one sibling anyway(usually female, lives closest or the eldest). Of course there are families where all siblings help but in my experience those are in the minority.

Also when siblings have very different ideas about caring for their parent that can cause major issues. P

Likewise with funerals so many siblings fall out with each other and fight instead of supporting each other(especially when it comes to the will.)

SwizzelStick · 30/09/2019 10:54

Easier said than done but please try to stop feeling guilty. There is nothing wrong with having or being an only child. A sibling could be a child's best friend, worst enemy or anything else between. It's far from a guarantee that they'll get along.

NoNewsisGood · 30/09/2019 10:55

I always like to add to these threads that it's never nice being the second sibling if your existence is purely because they liked the first one so much that they didn't want it to be alone, or sad or anything else.

A second child should be because you would enjoy another individual joining the family and with no strings of needing to stick around to support the first born....

Original poster

Belfield · 30/09/2019 10:56

@SilverChime @FiveShelties This is something that i worry about as well. Even if he is not lonely and is happy, I am worried about looking after us in old age. Unfortunately, dementia runs in our family so it does worry me. in saying that, although I come for a big family, a lot of my siblings wouldn't help my parents at all, for various reasons.

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 30/09/2019 10:57

@SwizzelStick - I am sure you are right, it is just when you are an only one, you would just love to have someone to share the decision making. But you always assume that you would have a sibling who would want to share that - I am sure that it is often not the case.

lovelygreenjumper · 30/09/2019 11:01

My DH is an only child and it has only been when we had children and his DP got older that the lack of siblings has been a bit of an issue, especially when his DF passed away. There were no siblings to share giving them practical help, to speak to when he was grieving etc. His DM is also an only child and has lost touch with extended family. She has a few friends but her world really does revolve around DH. She would really like to live with us, holiday with us etc and she finds it hard to deal with the fact that as the DC get older they have their own social lives and don't want to spend as much time with her as when they were small. There is often a tension between us wanting to have our own space and do what we want in the small amount of time we have outside of work and wanting to make sure MIL is not left alone or upset.
My advice would be to make sure that as your child gets older you don't let your life revolve around him completely- if you have your own friends and interests and keep in touch with extended family there will be far less pressure on him and your relationship will be better.

Lardlizard · 30/09/2019 11:10

Dh was/ is an only and I think you sound very mindful so will be fine
Just make sure they child gets loads of play dates and be a good playmate yourself too

Original poster

Belfield · 30/09/2019 11:10

@lovelygreenjumper thanks for that and I will take that onboard. I have many siblings who I am close to and also good lifelong friends. I don't worry about my relying on him and his potential family in the future as that is within my control and I wouldn't do that to him as it isn't fair (well I hope I won't!)

OP posts:

Ker100 · 30/09/2019 11:14

@Belfield yes my DS is younger he's only 18 months so hasn't expressed a view either way re siblings yet! I wouldn't mind having another one from the perspective of being an older mum as I guess I am one already.

In my case think the thyroid disease is symptomatic of other things going on in my body as we had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, then he was born v prematurely.
It's weighing on my mind a lot at the moment though! In my heart I think we may try for another but the sensible part of me thinks it's stupid, as a mc or an even earlier prem baby would break me.

Original poster

Belfield · 30/09/2019 11:23

@Ker100 best of luck with whatever you decide. Hopefully some of the replies here will help you too

OP posts:

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 30/09/2019 11:34

I’m an only child and there’s nothing about my childhood I would change. I spent a lot of time with cousins etc and don’t feel I missed out at all. My DP has siblings and they are nothing but drama and stress.
Also, IME, an age gap that big means it’s likely they won’t be that close.

Taylr1733637 · 30/09/2019 11:39

As a child I was always extremely shy and had no confidence, so it would have been nice to have had a sibling to do stuff with.
I did have quite a few cousins that I saw though every now and again which helped. So as long as your child has cousins or friends of a similar age to grow up with, they probably won't feel like they're missing out.

It's as I've gotten older (nearly 30) that it's harder. But that's due to an unstable mother revolving her life around me! I'll never know if having siblings would have eased the burden or not.

I hear of some siblings who fall out and never talk to each other again. So you can never tell!

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