Life of an only child

[Belfield]

I would be grateful if anyone who was an only child could tell me truthfully what it was like growing up? I have an only child and as I am from a big family, I worry about him being lonely. There is not much I can do about it. I'm 41 and have had a miscarriage and have thyroid disease. We are not trying for another due to age/thyroid and my DH being happy with one. Even if they are negative, please let me know because there is something I could probably do to ease some of that. Our DS is very happy and has never sought a sibling so outwardly everything is fine. We do playdates/live near his cousins/moved to an estate with neighbours his age/kept him in same creche/school so that he has the same group. We spend time with him/play with him. Is there anything else that we should be doing? Thanks

I was an only child until I was 11.5 years. I wished I had a brother and felt a bit lonely but I had a lot of attention and care, privacy, peace and freedom to do what I wanted. My friend had a sister she had to drag along everywhere she went which was awful for her.

I learned how to amuse myself, depend on my own resources and be independent...all of which has been invaluable in my life. I have a love of books and like my own company.

I also was around adults a great deal of the time, which meant I conversed well and had an interest in things of the world more so than my peers.

My half siblings came along later. I learned how to care for a baby, their needs and development etc. which helped when I had my own babies. But...that's when I lost my mother in effect, and my childhood ended. She was consumed by them and I was treated as the home help, the babysitter and told to grow up, no more care and attention for me any more. It was a blow. I just spent as many hours as I could away from home...with friends and their families so didn't bond properly with my half siblings anyway.

So having a brother or a sister, especially with a large age gap, can cause a rifts and problems. Not all siblings have good relationships, far from it and the tension in a lot of households can make life difficult and unpleasant a lot of the time. I've seen it.

From what you say OP you are making an excellent job of making your child feel wanted, loved and secure with lots of outside stimulus. You're doing a great job. A lot of kids like being the only child, they thrive.

The only downside for me was pressure to do well in school, exams etc. I would have done far better if I had not been forced into a school which didn't suit me but I was put there to 'look good' for the family.

madcatladyforever Snap! When my mother married my stepfather she made him and the new kids her life and excluded me. I wished so much I had been allowed to stay living with my grandmother who I adored.

I was never close to my mother after that sadly. I am now not close to my half brother and sister. They see me as someone who isn't part of 'their' family and I don't see them since mother died.

I absolutely fucking hated being an only child and longed for a sibling, even now in my 30s I wish I had a sibling to talk to.

And for that reason I have 2DC and probably will have another at some point.

My DD has half siblings, with whom she shares a Dad. I suspect that's easier than sharing a Mum. DH very fair with all his kids and they spent time 50:50 between parents. I think DD enjoyed having part time siblings very much. The older ones have left home now but they all seem to genuinely like each other and get along.

My kid is an only child. Lots of playdates and sleepovers and family time. Quite a timid child but has done really well - enjoying life hugely now as an academic. Say they never wanted siblings and are (quietly) looking forward to inheriting the lot. You sound like a great mum, stop worrying and enjoy it all.

I'm an only and my DD is an only child.
My Mum only wanted me, she hated her sibling growing up and they are not close now. She didn't want to lumber me with a sibling!
I was happy as an only, read loads, I'm very arty, my parents didn't have much financially, so I would have missed out on the few treats that I did have, if I'd had to share. The only time I'd have maybe liked a sibling was as an adult, when my Dad was ill, but tbh I see the hassle friends have and having a sibling doesn't guarantee you help with aging parents, in fact it can make it worse.
DH isn't close to his siblings and harbours a lot of resentment about stuff growing up.
We only have one child for various reasons, it was never a concrete plan, DH only wanted one, I didn't mind either way, then health issues got in the way. DD used to say that she wishes she had a sibling, she's very sociable and gets lonely. Not helped by the fact that she has had friendship issues. But she has actually always struggled to cope with having other kids to stay, it's fun for a night, then she's done. So I think she prefers being an only now. My only worry is that she will be alone when we have gone. She's not close to her cousins as they don't live near and DH is hopeless at staying in touch.

I am not an only child but DB and I did not get on as children, and haven't spoken to each other for over 15 years (and it was sporadic before then). He also hasn't spoken to my parents for that time too, so in effect I am now an only child. He wasn't around when DF died and hasn't helped looking after DM who is in her late 80s. I think it is probably harder having a sibling who doesn't care or help, than not having a sibling in the first place.

what I am taking away from this is that I should continue to ensure contact with his cousins and try and encourage friendships. I should also ensure that I do not put too much focus on him as he matures and give him breathing space ensuring I focus on us/my friends/outside interests. I will take all this on board and thanks for the input. I should probably try be less guilt because guilt might equal over compensate. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for him I think. Dont know what to do about him feeling responsible for us aging. Maybe try get my siblings to take on the burden but they will be old too. I don't think I can do much about that other than insist I/my husband go to a home when the time comes.

Never bothered me. And I'm an only of onlies so was only grandchild too. Meant I got attention and opportunities I wouldn't have had with siblings (and I wasn't spoilt - I definitely didn't get everything I wanted).

If I'd had a sibling I wanted an older sister, which was pointed out to me quite early on that that was impossible! So I got over that pretty quickly. Most of my friends at school who had younger siblings found them annoying so I was grateful not to have that! We did have pets though, and I learnt how to share with the dogs and with my parents (e.g. we took it in turn for what we got to listen to on long car journeys, TV programmes, where we went for days out on holiday).

Doesn't bother me either with respect to my parents being my sole responsibility in older age. I've seen too many siblings not get on through the years and families where that sort of thing is left to one child anyway and the others can sometimes even hinder on top of doing nothing to help.

One thing I am aware of though is that being around adults a lot meant I didn't really enjoy being around other children when they were being 'childish' iyswim. And not having to fight it out at home also meant I wasn't great at dealing with other children when they were being mean and nasty. It's something I intend to ensure my imminent one and only will be better prepared for!

I have a sibling and still have 100% responsibility for my ageing parents - said sibling contributes nothing whatsoever, rarely even contacts them. I know lots of only children and they are absolutely fine.

I'm an only child, quite an extreme version because I have no cousins, aunties etc etc.

Growing up was no bother. I didn't ask for anything, friends came on holiday with me. As an adult, I like to socialise and like my space. I'm independent.

The only downside is I have no one to share the burden my parents ageing. I have to take my dad to his appointments, visit him after I finish work.. At the end of the day it is what it is. I have a loving (albeit small) family.

Try not too worry about you being a burden on him as you get old, think of all the moeny you will have saved by just having one, you can afford to go into a nice care home :)

Dont know what to do about him feeling responsible for us aging. Maybe try get my siblings to take on the burden but they will be old too. I don't think I can do much about that other than insist I/my husband go to a home when the time comes.

I have the same worry with my DD about aging and the same plan, but I also know with certainty that when my DM starts to get older and needs more care it will be me doing it. My two siblings are extremely, extremely unlikely to be of any help.

I loved being an only child. I have loads of cousins a similar age to me and am really close to a couple of them.
I have an only child too, but with our 'blended' families she has two step-sisters.

I still do love having time to myself and go on holiday once a year alone.

Also, I like the fact that my dd doesn't have to complete for my time. We are really close; just as I am with my parents.

we have an only child due to miscarriage and unexplained secondary infertility. It was not by choice. But we have made the absolute best of it and have given our child the best we could. Dd is now a teen and has never, ever wanted a sibling! She loves having us and her house all to herself. She has lots of friends and family and has a very busy social life and she is very self reliant in lots of ways. We have 100% accepted our family lot and now I would not change a thing about it.

After being diagnosed with an under active thyroid I had DS in my very late 30s. I had 2 further miscarriages and DH said no more, although I hoped he would change his mind he never did.
DS is very lonely as DH was an only child and DSs cousins on my side are either too young or too old to be any company for him.
DS is a teenager now and he finds school holidays particularly lonely as his friends usually go to relatives while their parents are working.
Sorry OP.

Im an only and the only piece of advice is dont be overbearing.Let your child have age appropriate freedom.I had loads of cousins,so i had plenty of frends but then peace and quiet when i went home.

I also share your worry, I'm a mum of one (DD who is 2) I would love another but my OH doesn't share the sentiment.
I myself am one of two and am not particularly close to my older brother. We fought lots as children and fell out as adults and although we speak now it isn't the same. Even though I know this being one of two, it does worry me that one day she will be alone.
I have a few friends who like others on here said it never bothered them as a child but now as an adult it does. I have just one friend who loved it as a child and still does now, she is extremely out going, has plenty of friends and keeps telling me my little one will be fine. But it doesn't stop the mummy in me worrying.
We do lots of soft play and play groups and I makesure she sees cousins on the regular,
I too plan on allowing her to have friends over regularly when she is older. I hope, like said friend, it makes her a more confident and out going child as I was very shy as a child and would often hide behind my brother.
I'm trying to focus on the positives of being a smaller family.

Perhaps a bit mercenary, but being an only has meant I've had quite a lot of financial support that I might not otherwise have had, which has helped me buy a nice home and be able to not have to put my DD into childcare. That won't be the case for everyone, of course, but thought it was worth mentioning!

I'm an only child. I had a great childhood- friends, cousins, great parents. As an adult I have a very good relationship with my parents. I have never missed having siblings (partly because I knew my mum and dad had a tough time conceiving). I know that looking after parents in old age will all fall to me, but having a sibling is no guarantee that you'll have support or share responsibility.
Please stop feeling guilty - being an only child is not a hardship or second best. It has its positives and negatives just as any family does.

I'm an only and I have an only. I probably would have had another but that was more because I had bad post natal anxiety and I felt cheated out of enjoying the new baby bit (although irrational as it could have happened again). DH was adamant he only wanted one. He does have a sibling but they are no contact now and have been for several years.

I loved and do love being an only child. I lived near to another girl who is an only too so we hung out a lot.

My DD is mostly happy being an only. She feels loneliness more than I do. I am very much an introvert and happy in my own company. We had a blip with DD when we moved house as she had to leave behind a group of friends that she played out with at home. This meant we had to be a lot more hands on with thinking of ideas to fill the weekend and holidays rather than relying on her knocking for someone and finding a play mate. We had about 18 months of her being unsettled until she was old enough to begin going out and about more independently with her school friends. This was always the aim and the main reason we moved as where we lived before was about 5 miles from her secondary school. So we knew it would work out, but we just had to reassure her of that in the meantime. She is now off out doing clubs, groups, meeting friends at weekends, sleepovers etc, and we are able to accommodate this most of the time as we don't have other children to consider.

One final point, my DD has a lot of friends who, on paper have siblings but they are older half siblings from one of their parents previous relationships and therefore they are now working, living elsewhere etc so from a day to day point of view my Dd's friends actually live the life of an only and I think this is increasingly common.

TL:DR Its fine. Give your child plenty of options to socialise and get involved in stuff. Don't assume a sibling relationship will be as you imagine it will.

Was great as a kid and I have always loved my own company, still do. Never felt bored or lonely.

As an adult it's shit as whenever anything goes wrong you have no support. Not as bad now I have DH but if I was single I think I would struggle.

I'm single(by choice) and still love it. As for support if you have friends(I appreciate that not everyone does) they can be a source of that, and having a sibling does not automatically mean that they'll be there for you. I've seen so many friends and relatives who have siblings who have been left to flounder.