Life of an only child

[Belfield]

I would be grateful if anyone who was an only child could tell me truthfully what it was like growing up? I have an only child and as I am from a big family, I worry about him being lonely. There is not much I can do about it. I'm 41 and have had a miscarriage and have thyroid disease. We are not trying for another due to age/thyroid and my DH being happy with one. Even if they are negative, please let me know because there is something I could probably do to ease some of that. Our DS is very happy and has never sought a sibling so outwardly everything is fine. We do playdates/live near his cousins/moved to an estate with neighbours his age/kept him in same creche/school so that he has the same group. We spend time with him/play with him. Is there anything else that we should be doing? Thanks

I have an only child by choice, in part because I'm the eldest of a big family, childhood was an over-crowded moshpit without enough attention or resources for anyone, and, as a result, we've all gone our separate ways as adults and all live in different countries.

Which is not what you asked, but I very often feel on these threads that unhappy adult only children romanticise the sibling relationship, whether in childhood or more often when dealing with elderly parents' care. Sometimes it is good, absolutely, but sometimes it isn't -- having a sibling is absolutely no guarantee of anything.

A lot of people hate their siblings and never talk to them once they leave home, while a lot of people find having siblings a blessing and they become their best friends. Only have more kids if you want to and if you do a thyroid problem shouldn’t be a barrier - I have a serious thyroid disorder and have managed to conceive via IVF with steroids and thyroxine and other protocols to help calm my immune system.

I was an only child and hated it
I longed for siblings
I was always bullied at primary for 'having everything I wanted'

Now I'm 44, have 3 children and I'm so glad they will have each other.
I hate that all family burdens fall to me alone, dealing with my mother is not easy

At least my 3 will be able to share that and moan about me to each other

I was an only child, and remember wanting a sibling when I was younger, only because that was the norm, and I didn't want to be different!

I think things other than whether you have siblings or not are going to have a bigger impact on you tbh, unless you live a very isolated life, which certainly isn't the case with your ds. The biggest danger, from my experience, is that an only child can become the main focus of the family, and be given a lot more 'power' than is good for them.

Also let your ds know that, loved as he is, you do also have a life. Don't let him feel that when he starts to do his own thing/go to university etc. you are going to be bereft and lonely without him. As I say this was my personal experience, and I'm sure your family dynamic is different, but it really can be crippling if you feel that someone else's happiness depends on your presence. I felt very loved, but kind of shackled. I think freedom from guilt is the best gift any parent can give their child, only or not!

I was an only child and loved it in general. I think only children learn to be independent, self-sufficient and more inquisitive than children with siblings. I used to spend ages on my own making up games and can't remember being bored very often. I did go through a phase in my teens which I wished I had an older brother but that was because I thought he would have lots of friends who I might fancy!

DH is an only child too and we understand each other on that level, I think. He has children and says that the only thing he misses about being an only child is the way they look after each other, even though they fight as well!

I'm an only child & only grandchild so I didn't even have cousins around as a child.... not one second I ever wished for sibling & I still don't now.

As a PP has said the positives are immense, I had so much of my parents time, money, energy growing up. They could give me 100% of everything without it ever having to be shared & I'm so grateful for that.

DH is a twin & they haven't spoken for 6 years.... DF is the youngest of 4 I'm not even sure which siblings are talking to which at the moment there's been so much hatred & anguish over the years.

DD is an only child & will remain so.

I struggled being an only child and used to make up pretend friends to play with at home. My parents divorced which didn't help - I really felt on my own dealing with that. I didn't have any cousins near my age either and for some of my school years we lived way away from my school friends. I was lonely and even today I wish I was part of a bigger family and that my dc had cousins.

Having said all that, it sounds like you have already done so much to make sure things are good for your DC. Living near cousins and friends is good for a start.

I loved it. My mum was a single parent too, and we had the best relationship and still do. We did loads together, just us two, and I was able to have a lot of opportunities and experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. I even used to come home from friends houses and tell my mum I didn't ever want a brother or sister

The childhood I had is partly the reason that my DD will be an only too.

My DH is an only and he never wanted a sibling, never missed it either. He's perfectly happy. We have one DD, who is 19, and we won't ever have any more. She never wanted siblings either. We've been able to give more everything for her, more time, more attention, more money for after school, hobbies and trips etc.

Also, for almost everyone I know with siblings, one of them has ended up shouldering the vast majority of care for an elderly parent. I literally don't know of anyone where it has been split equally and everyone has felt happy and supported It seems to be the default job of the woman, and if you're the woman and also live nearest then it seems to be you find yourself doing everything anyway, but with the added complication of not being able to make decisions by yourself. I'd never have another child with the assumption that they will help with my care when I'm older.

I'm not an only child, but might have well as been one. 6 year age gap, nothing in common, sibling caused massive rifts in my family and has more or less divided us down the middle. Mum and I are practically NC now, long story but it's best that way.
I do have an only child myself, she's never expressed a want for a sibling- quite the opposite really. She has all our time, money, attention and more. 3 is the magic number sometimes. We chose to stop after 1, medical reasons prompted that choice and no regrets.

I had 2 siblings growing up. We hated each other till about the age of 14 and now they are my best friends. I have 3 DCs, one of whom has a best friend who is an only and my DS has repeatedly said to me he wishes he was an only child too!

I am an only chid, and while I occasionally missed having siblings, I will say that having seen my friends families bickering, fighting and the level of sibling disagreement, as well as the level of malcontent between my aunts and uncles and mum I'm very relieved that I'm an only child!! I have a couple of close friends, grew up with my best friend's family, and consider my other best friend more of a sister!!

I've no issues with being an only child. I'm very close to my female friends and cousins.

I am an only child and so is my DP. I never minded (though my mother miscarried a couple of pregnancies & then lost the baby that would have been my younger sister when I was 5). The tragedy of losing a child weighed far more heavily on us as a family than me not having siblings, if you see what I mean. I am/was much loved & much cherished, enjoy my own space & benefit from being the sole child in terms of my parents support (financially and otherwise). I expect my DP would say the same, though his parents’ lavished attention on him & he is a tad spoiled... his parents never wanted another & I think he would have hated a sibling so it works for both of us. If you have wider family (I have various cousins and aunts etc), your child might get the experience of a big family but still enjoy being a family of three :)

This is always a bit of a tricky one, as nobody knows what the alternative would have been like.

I was an only child, and had some really tough times as a kid and some utterly great times. I have absolutely no doubt the same would have been true if I'd had siblings.

I'm able to be happy with my own company, I'm creative in finding things to do and ways to entertain myself, I can dip in and out of a huge range of social situations, I learned good manners and how to hold intelligent conversations at a young age because I was around adults a lot...

All these things I can say were because I didn't have siblings, but the truth is, I could have turned out exactly the same if I had brothers and sisters. We'll never know.

We'll always find something to complain about when it comes to our childhoods, and your son will be no different, OP – it's part of growing up – but if he's loved and cared for (and he clearly is), he'll be totally fine.

You never can know what it would be like if you were able to have another child. The two of them could be best friends, or they could hate each other. And I'm sure most siblings fall in the middle of those two extremes.

I have two siblings, one I don't speak more than once a year at most (not intentionally but we just don't contact each other), and the other I speak to a bit more but we can still go months without contact.

My DD is an only child and I don't want any more children. I do worry from time to time about it but I don't want to have another child just so she has a playmate, especially when there's a chance that they might not even like each other.

I think sometimes (based on what I've read on Mumsnet), some only children imagine they'd have had a great friend and someone to share the load with if they'd had a sibling. And I know that can and does happen in some families. It sounds like that's how things were for you. My experience was very different to that. All responsibility fell on me as the eldest and I felt quite isolated and lonely during my childhood. And again as an adult when my DM suffered with bad health, it was me who was left to deal with everything. That's not the reason I don't want more than one child, but I do think about it sometimes when I have a bit of a worry about dd being an only.

I loved it. Cried when my Mum asked me if I wanted a sibling
Was always very close to my Mum.
Spent time with cousins growing up (made me even more glad not to have siblings).
There are times when I see adult friends with good relationships with their siblings that I envy a little. But overall I wouldn't change anything.
It did make me the sole carer for my Mum when she became ill, but equally I could make all the decisions without risking upsetting anyone else.

I'm an only child. I also have no first cousins so was the only grandchild as well. The rest of my (massive) extended family are overseas.

As a child it didn't massively bother me- it was just what it was and you don't miss what you don't have. My parents didn't do loads of kid friendly things like going to theme parks or Disneyland or whatever and we did a lot a cultural stuff which now, as an adult, I actually really appreciate. I got to go to all these amazing places like Venice and Mexico City which probably wouldn't have happened if I was from a larger family. I probably am less social because of it and do sometimes struggle to make friends but that's not a massive problem and I'm also quite happy with my own company.

However, as an adult I wish I'd had siblings. If my parents weren't here I'd genuinely be alone in this world which absolutely terrifies me. I also saw my mum look after my grandpa until the end on her own which was awful.

I'm not resentful. I've grown up happy and loved. My parents couldn't have any more children so there's nothing to be resentful of anyway. There are no guarantees of siblings having good relationships. If you love you're child and give them a happy home that's a lot more than many children get- don't feel bad.

My advice would be not to put too much pressure on your child. My parents were always very relaxed with me which was brilliant because I felt a lot of pressure from being the only child in the family.

Thanks again for insight. It seems that it is no better or worse than having a sibling as a lot depends on the sibling relationship and the general relationship within the family also. I am close to my siblings. I go on holidays with my two sisters (DS comes too) and so I suppose this is where a lot of my guilt comes from. That he won't have in the future what I do.

I'm an only child. Loved it growing up. Didnt have to share etc. I used to go to my friends house who had siblings and they were constantly fighting and getting into trouble and I used to think thank god I dont have that. I'm extremely close to my parents too and was rarely naughty as a child. I think that's because I had 100% attention all the time so didnt need to act out to get it.

However, my mum and dad divorced when I was a teen. They're still friends etc but i tend to think if my dad was to get ill it would be all on me. Same with my mum. Also, although I have dh and his family and my 2 girls I tend to think that when both of my parents have passed I will be on my own. There will be no one else left on my side of the family. Then the thought of arranging funerals etc all on my own is hard.

Some really interesting stories on here. I am an only & I really like it - I do have slight envy of people who are close to their siblings as adults, but I know many, many people who do not get on with their adult siblings & it causes a lot of problems in the wider family. I am close to my cousins & both of my best friends are only children too - we stick together!

Absolutely echo the point made by @lovelygreenjumper about not letting your world revolve around an adult child, but it sounds like you’ve got that sorted anyway.

So much to unpack in your post op, for me at least, but I'll have a try.

My parents were both only children. Mother was adored and loved being an only. Father came to the UK in 1939 from Germany and his family were all, except for one aunt, lost to the Holocaust.

Shall we say their marriage was somewhat tense and it was made clear, by mother, that she had only got married because she was pg and never wanted children. They separated when I was 12. I yearned for brothers and sisters and felt very lonely but that may have been more down to feelung unwanted (not by father). Also there were far more comments then about "oh an only, you must be spoilt". To this day MIL a former teacher makes snidey comments about only children she taught but over 30 years acquaintance I think that's more to do with her than anything else.

Comparing mother and I, I think a lot comes down to the reason one is an only. She was wanted and deeply loved and my gps wanted more. I was not and felt it and it was compounded by snide comments from beyond the family. And yes I had everything: pony, fab home, clothes and every material thing a child could want.

DS is one of three and has two sisters but they both live abroad (other side of world) and went as soon as they could. They rarely visit and one in particular is more selfish than any only I have ever met. Neither will be around to help with their mother and neither put themselves out when their father died. DH and I are in agreement that he will look after his mother and I shall look after mine. They are both 83.

One thing I always knew was that I wanted to be a mummy, from when I was a tiny girl. For all the reasons above I wanted three or four children. Just before DH and I got engaged I started to feel unwell and was diagnosed with severe graves - my legs ballooned and it was suspected my heart was under strain. It wasn't. The overactive thyroid at the time was brought under control with carbimazole and I elected to have a sub total thyroidectomy rather than radioactive iodine, both of which would render me hypothyroid but this was more easily controlled and the best option when planning a family. Interestingly back then, 1989, the view was that once an overactive thyroid was controlled there was no impact on pregnancy. My endocrinologist with this view was none less than the eminent Sir Richard Bayliss. To be entirely fair I can honestly say I have never had unorotected sex and not got pg. However:

Pg 1: miscarried 6 weeks
Pg 2: miscarried 17 weeks - failure of placenta
Pg 3: DS 1 at 36/3 - cord round neck, and thyroid had gone under but midwives were sloppy with blood tests (link now known re early deliver)
Pg4: MMC 12 weeks
Pg5: DS2 diagnosed with a severe congenital heart defect at 20 week scan (not thyroid related) born at 27 weeks and did not survive.
Pg6: MC 5 to 6 weeks
Pg7: dd, 41/4 pink, fat and screaming after a v easy labour.

We stopped at 2. It took me 1993 until 1998 to produce two healthy babies. DD was born just before my 39th birthday. I couldn't face losing another. Not trying for a third is my one regret in life. It is good the link with thyroid disease is better recognised and monitored now and I don't think thyroid disease alone should put you off. Perhaps I just ploughed on in blissful ignorance but I was determined ds wouldn't be an only like me.

I am sorry as I suspect that has turned into an essay.

Good luck whatever you decide

i was an only child up to age 14 until my mother married again. i was perfectly happy as an only child, I never felt like I needed a sibling.
Now I have two much younger ones although we are all adults now but to be honest I'm much closer to my cousins that i grew up with than them.
Really I felt that I lost my mother when the other two came along and that is exactly what happened, she had young ones to look after and a new husband she loved and I felt totally excluded. Our relationship never recovered.
My DS is a one and only and we are very close knit and he has certainly never been bothered at all by not having any siblings.