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Original poster

Why do some women stay single for a long time?

78 replies

70rule · 29/09/2019 19:37

Inspired by another thread I didn't want to derail with this.

I've been single for over a decade. I've had a couple of flings and a FWB during that time but never come close to anything resembling a relationship.

My best friend split up with a man she was living with this time last year. She met someone else 3 months later and is now living with him. It happens this way often to many of my friends, yet I never get so much as chatted up. I'm happy enough so I'm not sitting at home crying about it or anything, but how do some women get a steady stream of interested men and I seem destined to be eternally single.

At risk of sounding arrogant, I don't think I'm bad looking, have a good job, lots of friends, a busy social life, so I'm not just sitting in my house expecting someone to knock on the door. And yet I never meet anyone, ever. Or if I do it turns out they're married/afraid of commitment/much too old for me. What is the trick?!

OP posts:
Mac47 · 29/09/2019 19:45

I dont think I'm your target responder really, because I am long term single and love it. A man did tell me once I give off "no chance" vibes which I'd possibly true, but I have zero interest in meeting someone and certainly do not want a long term relationship.

So short answer: single because I'm happy. Dont know why you are, do you actively try to meet someone?

ItsNotFeckingButter · 29/09/2019 19:48

I think it's partly luck and partly experience/confidence being attractive.

I didn't even kiss a man until I was 27. I was in a hideous self fulfilling cycle of worrying about my lack of experience, wondering why not me, accidentally ignoring all men who looked my way, and therefore not gaining any experience. I wish it had been different. I cried myself to sleep so many times in my twenties because I just couldn't seem to find someone.

OneKeyAtATime · 29/09/2019 19:49

I have been single most of my life. I have put it down to being introverted and shy so not making myself 'look' available iyswim but it would be interesting to know if it is indeed the case!

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kayakingmum · 29/09/2019 19:50

I think there are two reasons:

  1. Some women are good at flirting/giving off encouraging vibes - others aren't.
  2. Some women are attracted to many men while others are only attracted to a small number of men. It's as simple as that.
Original poster
70rule · 29/09/2019 19:50

Dont know why you are, do you actively try to meet someone?

No, not actively. I am happy being single really, and definitely was for the majority of the time I've been single, but recently I've started thinking that it would be nice to be with someone.

It's just more that some people seem to effortlessly float from one relationship to another with no difficulty finding someone else. I don't know how they manage it.

OP posts:
AmIChangingagain · 29/09/2019 19:53

If I knew why, I'd be able to something about it

I don't know though. I wish I did.

No one has even so much as looked at me for 15 years.

Original poster
70rule · 29/09/2019 19:54

That's so sad, feckingbutter Flowers

I'm not really introverted, OneKey, so it must cross that divide.

1) Some women are good at flirting/giving off encouraging vibes - others aren't.
2) Some women are attracted to many men while others are only attracted to a small number of men.

I think this is probably spot on. I'm a terrible flirt, apparently do not give off encouraging vibes, though I don't know how, and I'm probably fussy.

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 29/09/2019 19:58

I met dp 10 days after leaving my exh. We didnt last long tbh. It was more a of fling that got serious, gat too quickly and I ended it. But we remained friends and got back together.

I am quite outgoing and chat to people all the time. A but overweight and not particularly attractive.

Tbh I have never fancied loads of men, so if I do I will make an effort to show interest, get to know to see if I actually like them, pick up in vibes and see what happens.

I also like men who are quite confident and dont have an issue letting me know they fancy me. I met dp briefly at my friends house, picking her up. As I left he made a joke and smiled and, for the first time ever, I got that punched in the stomach feeling. I knew then something would end up happening. He felt the same and messaged me the next day to ask me out.

In the months we were apart, I had no interest in dating anyone else. Had a few offers but wasnt bothered.

I do think it's possible to give out 'nope not a chance ' vibe and it puts people off.

If you are happy single, it definitely has its benefits.

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 19:59

I would probably add that some women come from backgrounds where they think it's normal to be treated very badly, so do not have a very robust filtering process when it comes to new relationships... And are therefore choosing from a much bigger pool than you.

And some women have such low self esteem they will get into a relationship with almost any man who shows an interest, regardless of whether they are particularly compatible, just to avoid being alone.

DustMyselfOff · 29/09/2019 20:01

Because most men are cunts. Even the ones you think aren't turn out to be.

Radio4andChocolate · 29/09/2019 20:03

I've been single for nearly a decade since divorce. Happily so and no desire to be in relationship, but I've never had to turn anyone down either as I've never been asked out in that time.

I'm in a professional job and very highly educated, reasonable looking (although I don't usually wear make up so could look better), get on well with people in general and quite chatty ... but clearly not dating material. Have had literally zero interest.

It doesn't bother me as I really don't want to date, but I do occasionally wonder why I haven't been chatted up even once. And before I started dating ex-h I was long-term single throughout my early 20s. There have literally been 2 people, ever, who have asked me out.

Janefx40 · 29/09/2019 20:03

I know exactly what you mean OP. I spent most of my adult life single. I had a few short relationships but would go years 5+ single at a time. I'm also extroverted, lots of friends etc Like you, I was mostly happy with this although I would definitely wonder too at those who effortlessly found relationships.

I think @kayakingmum is spot on. My best friend would go into any social situation and find at least one person attractive whereas I would fancy someone every few years! I was also scared of rejection so would avoid giving off flirty vibes. I often fancied quite good looking men but would be embarrassed to admit I liked them so would go out of my way to act as if I didn't.

What changed for me was wanting children. And I fell utterly in love with a friend. He was as useless as me at getting into relationships. I saw a psychotherapist (not just about that) and it helped me to pursue the relationship. We've been together 3.5 years now and have a little girl.

There's nothing wrong with being single. It drove me mad people always suggesting my life was lacking. But it is an interesting question that you ask xxx

WickedLemon · 29/09/2019 20:04

It's just more that some people seem to effortlessly float from one relationship to another with no difficulty finding someone else. I don't know how they manage it

Or if I do it turns out they're married/afraid of commitment/much too old for me

Perhaps they have fewer/no boundaries, they're not happy to be alone, they'll put up with more shit than other women (you) will.

Your friend - she's come out of one relationship and just 12 weeks later started another full on relationship and after just a few months, moved in with them. Now you'll get loads of people saying their relationship moved that fast and 15 years later they're still together yada yada... But to me that just screams of someone not happy to be alone so anyone will do.

Tilltheendoftheline · 29/09/2019 20:07

I was very happy to be alone. Thats why I called it off with dp when it went from fling to serious.

But after months of being alone, as much as I liked it, I wanted to be with him more. No one else. I also pursued counselling to deal with the end of my marriage in this time.

Our relationship is much better this time around because we are both secure in being alone. We both know we are together because we choose to be. Nor because we are scared of being alone.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/09/2019 20:09

High standards and slim pickings Grin

Dancer12345 · 29/09/2019 20:11

Same here. Everyone I know who comes out of relationships seems to go into another sooooo quickly - and then marriage and babies. Every time I’ve come out of a relationship I’ve never found someone quickly. I’m currently single and have a very full life with work, family, friends, hobbies but sometimes it does get me down a bit.

Waterdropsdown · 29/09/2019 20:15

Anyone decent will do for many women whereas others need a spark/fancy the guy straight away

100PercentThatBitch · 29/09/2019 20:16

Similar to Joxer

I've watched pretty much every friend "settle for less" just to have someone and live to regret it

I know what sort of man I want and if I can't have it I'd rather be single

The frequency of abusive relationship threads here builds a scary picture, my parents had one which I'm scared to replicate.

Jumping from partner to partner because you can't be alone screams of someone who doesn't know who they are and doesn't want to find out

Awrite · 29/09/2019 20:16

I remember being a single parent with a baby and a married friend popping in for a visit. She was having an affair with a guy at work.

Anyway, she was moaning about her lot in life and I remember thinking 'but you've got two men who want you'.

I was happy. Genuinely happy.

What's my point? Dunno. Men don't make you happy. Well, few do.

Chocolatelover106 · 29/09/2019 20:16

Ah, @ItsNotFeckingButter, you just described me as well! I thought all this time I was the only one Flowers

Dinosforall · 29/09/2019 20:17

I know a couple of women who don't really seem to 'do' flirting, I think because they haven't developed that mode. This despite having otherwise well-developed social skills. One of them could also use a little help in the styling department

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/09/2019 20:17

My best childhood friend is single and has been for a fairly long time. There have been occasional dalliances, but nobody serious for over 10 years. She has the fullest life of anyone I know, spoils our DC (her Godchildren) rotten and is genuinely just living a lovely life.

She is perfectly happy and isn't sat about weeping in egg-stained pyjamas like Bridget Jones (the way that some people, mainly women, imagine). I think her standards are simply very high and she's been burned previously and the combination of the two means it would have to be someone spectacular to induce her to really even consider anything permanent.

Bobbiepin · 29/09/2019 20:19

Because you know better than the rest of us?

Aozora13 · 29/09/2019 20:19

The only time I get compliments from strangers it’s other women or gay men. Think I’m a bit of a (straight) man-repeller tbh. I’m probably a bit too outspoken and can be a bit “much” for a lot of men. Plus I also don’t find many people attractive - I appreciate beauty in so many people but only actually fancy a very few.

I’m not single now but it took a lot of work to meet DH - I just cannot understand people who shag around using dating apps, I’d have loved that but the only person I met who I was remotely attracted to I ended up marrying!

Juells · 29/09/2019 20:21

I think it's partly luck and partly experience/confidence being attractive.

...or not being very picky. I have friends who hooked up very quickly with other men, but the men they hook up with are arseholes who are just as much trouble as the previous ones.