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Original poster

Why do some women stay single for a long time?

78 replies

70rule · 29/09/2019 19:37

Inspired by another thread I didn't want to derail with this.

I've been single for over a decade. I've had a couple of flings and a FWB during that time but never come close to anything resembling a relationship.

My best friend split up with a man she was living with this time last year. She met someone else 3 months later and is now living with him. It happens this way often to many of my friends, yet I never get so much as chatted up. I'm happy enough so I'm not sitting at home crying about it or anything, but how do some women get a steady stream of interested men and I seem destined to be eternally single.

At risk of sounding arrogant, I don't think I'm bad looking, have a good job, lots of friends, a busy social life, so I'm not just sitting in my house expecting someone to knock on the door. And yet I never meet anyone, ever. Or if I do it turns out they're married/afraid of commitment/much too old for me. What is the trick?!

OP posts:
Sleeplease · 29/09/2019 20:22

I think if you've been single for a long time then you get to a point where it's difficult to compromise your life around someone else

ItsNotFeckingButter · 29/09/2019 20:27

I think it's unfair to say that anyone who finds a boyfriend quickly has 'low standards' or accepts shit.

It's more likely they know what they are looking for and know how to get it. As someone who was single for a looooooooong time, I didn't (and still don't) know how to do either of those things.

DDIJ · 29/09/2019 20:28

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madcatladyforever · 29/09/2019 20:29

I'm asexual and dislike most men. Happy to be single.

Fluffiest · 29/09/2019 20:32

Weirdly I just had this conversation about a friend who always finds a new boyfriend very quickly and is never single for long between relationships.

Apparently, when she is ready she just starts flirting with potential boyfriends via what's app and sees what happens. These will be guys she already knows, not strangers.

So I think a lot of the time, that's how it is done. But watching on the outside I value either being single or deliberately heading towards marriage. I've an all or nothing outlook on relationships (for me) so I was always very selective in who I considered dating.

IrenetheQuaint · 29/09/2019 20:33

I'm like this. I think it's a combination of having high standards and being self-sufficient and tbh quite commitment-phobic. I am shit at flirting too which doesn't help!

TeaAddict235 · 29/09/2019 20:39

I think that @Sleeplease has a point. Relationships take significant compromise, and those compromises might be harder to justify if things have been 'your' way for so long.

e.g. I don't like how he does the dishes, I do them this way.
I don't like how she spends her Friday evenings, I have always done them this way.
Or even, he isn't spontaneous enough, I hate routine

etc., compromise compromise negotiate. The long term single people I know (>10-15 years), are very unwilling to compromise

Northernsoullover · 29/09/2019 20:41

I have a friend who is never single and hasn't been since being a teenager. I have noticed that she doesn't have any of her own hobbies and basically morphs into them. For example if he's a trainspotter she becomes one, now she's with a morris dancer so she's become a Morris dancer too (made up hobbies Wink). If I became single I think it would be difficult to meet someone. A big drinker would be a deal breaker for me and its difficult to meet many non drinkers.

cushioncovers · 29/09/2019 20:50

*I would probably add that some women come from backgrounds where they think it's normal to be treated very badly, so do not have a very robust filtering process when it comes to new relationships... And are therefore choosing from a much bigger pool than you.

And some women have such low self esteem they will get into a relationship with almost any man who shows an interest, regardless of whether they are particularly compatible, just to avoid being alone*

I have noticed this a lot with women who can't seem to be on their own.

GaraMedouar · 29/09/2019 21:02

I've been single 3 years since ExP left (cocklodger sadly who was asked to contribute financially or leave - he chose to leave). I preferred to be on my own than be with someone for whom I'd lost all respect.

Busy full time working single mum, I never meet any men. So not much chance of my situation changing. ExP doesn't have DD evenings or overnight so i have no chance going out anyway unless i pay for a babysitter. Sort of resigned to no dating until DD old enough - I'll be nearly 60, not sure if i can be bothered really though.

Pipandmum · 29/09/2019 21:03

I wonder that myself. A friend, late 40s, recently broke up with long term partner, is already in a new relationship! I’ve been single since my husband died ten years ago.
But I’m also totally fine with that and with two kids (now teens) and trying to sort things I was busy enough and am quite content on my own. Sure if it came along I wouldn’t turn it down but I’m not sure I’d ever want to live with anyone again. I’m very independent and financially stable and have plenty of friends. A partner would be a bonus, but is not essential. Maybe I don’t present myself as available? I also don’t meet many (or any) single men.

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 21:13

For example if he's a trainspotter she becomes one, now she's with a morris dancer so she's become a Morris dancer too (made up hobbies

You have no idea how disappointed I was to learn you'd made those up. I had so many questions about your friend's Morris dancing activities!

Original poster
70rule · 29/09/2019 21:24

I think if you've been single for a long time then you get to a point where it's difficult to compromise your life around someone else This rings really true for me. I think I'd struggle now to not be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I'm also out socialising most nights too and don't know how that would work alongside a relationship.

I do think it's possible to give out 'nope not a chance ' vibe and it puts people off. I've been told by several people that I do this. I honestly have absolutely no idea how.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/09/2019 21:33

Personally I don’t come into contact with many men at all.

I work for myself, by myself, sometimes at home and if I do meet a client it’s usually a woman.

I don’t have any hobbies as I’ve Dc and no childcare. Evenings are taken up with DC homework/their hobbies/me working. The closest I get to a hobby is walking the dog Grin

I don’t go out socially more than maybe twice/three times a year. And when I do it’s to one of the 2/3 local pubs that are frequented by well settled married couples or 18 years olds getting a few in before heading go the big smoke!

I don’t hang around the playground at pick up or drop off and even if I did they’re all either married or not my cup of tea.

I only have one close friend who is also a single parent. She is longer single than I am and doesn't have Male friends either.

bellinisurge · 29/09/2019 21:35

I met my husband when I was 37 and he was 30.

Walkacrossthesand · 29/09/2019 21:44

Another longterm single here - busy, active, my friends love & value me, but I don't catch mens' eye, and as I get older, the eligible men are likely to have been single for a while too, and valuing their single freedom. I never give up hope, but in reality I feel it's very unlikely I'll hitch up again before I shuffle disappointedly off this mortal coil.

NabooThatsWho · 29/09/2019 21:54

I enjoy my freedom. I have high standards. I like being single. I don’t have low-self esteem. A lot of men are selfish and emotionally under-developed.

Take your pick Smile
I can flirt and turn on the charm when I want to, I just can’t be bothered these days.

x2boys · 29/09/2019 22:06

Im.not single now I have been with dh for almost 15 years ,but I was single for most of my ,20s bar some flings I did meet men but non of them seemed to want a relationship ,s good friend of mine just went from one long term relationship to the next sometimes overlapping ,in the 30 years or so.I have known she has been single about 12 months a couple of her relationships have been 10+ years .

firesong · 29/09/2019 22:06

I've always hopped a bit too easily into relationships. I think it's (for me) a mix of:

Putting up with some shite - in the past, not now!

Being a very outgoing type of person

Liking the company and interactions with lots of different types of men rather than just having one type

OhioOhioOhio · 29/09/2019 22:08

I've often wondered this.

TonOfLead · 29/09/2019 22:08

Another long-term single here.

I probably have a full house of many of the points that have been raised:

  • I am fairly sure I give off the 'no chance' vibe. Although I'm not sure how
  • I have no idea how to flirt
  • I am oblivious to any signals being sent out by potential dates so I don't realise they are interested in me
  • I am too comfortable being on my own and don't feel ready to compromise

But I am now at a stage where I don't want to meet anyone. I'm happy being single and the thought of changing that sends me into a panic. Fortunately, the earlier points means that it is very unlikely to be a problem.

aufaitaccompli · 29/09/2019 22:11

OP, I have a failed marriage behind me and am wondering if I simply don't have what it takes to be in a relationship.

A couple of guys I know (eg not randoms) have told me or implied strongly that they wouldn't mess with me/ I give off 'piss-off' vibes. 😲

My ex told me I intimidated him. Which I took to mean I was intimidating, but now understand they're not one in the same thing.

I feel sad about it quite often, but not enough to actually do something about it.

and I'm fat and cannot flirt

Percivalthebabyspider · 29/09/2019 22:17

Simply put, because I love being single and can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship again.

FredaFox · 29/09/2019 22:19

Another long term single, I’m overweight do conscious that puts men off and don’t think I’m particularly attractive
Mates bfs have often joked they should have gone out with me as I’m funny, good company etc but obviously it’s always come down to looks in my youth
Now I’m older I hoped that things would change
I have a good life single but would like to meet someone

Original poster
70rule · 29/09/2019 22:21

My ex told me I intimidated him. Which I took to mean I was intimidating, but now understand they're not one in the same thing.

One of the much, much older men I had a fling with said I intimidate men when I was complaining about being single. I'm sure he didn't mean to insult me, but I was a bit Hmm

OP posts: