Why do some women stay single for a long time?

[70rule]

Inspired by another thread I didn't want to derail with this.

I've been single for over a decade. I've had a couple of flings and a FWB during that time but never come close to anything resembling a relationship.

My best friend split up with a man she was living with this time last year. She met someone else 3 months later and is now living with him. It happens this way often to many of my friends, yet I never get so much as chatted up. I'm happy enough so I'm not sitting at home crying about it or anything, but how do some women get a steady stream of interested men and I seem destined to be eternally single.

At risk of sounding arrogant, I don't think I'm bad looking, have a good job, lots of friends, a busy social life, so I'm not just sitting in my house expecting someone to knock on the door. And yet I never meet anyone, ever. Or if I do it turns out they're married/afraid of commitment/much too old for me. What is the trick?!

I was single for a long time in my 20s, and got very depressed about it. I'm not saying every woman in that position was like me, but I had very poor self esteem and couldn't seem to attract anyone decent, I think having had lot of therapy, that I was giving off 'unlovable' vibes.

Its a vicious circle because you then feel even more unlovable that no one wants you. I did have a couple of flings during that time, but nothing that went anywhere and the men were 'questionable' shall we say. Not abusive but not great catches either. I used to think I was so lucky to have something even resembling a boyfriend even for a short time that I would take what was on offer. Which was slim pickings sometimes.

I eventually broke the cycle by having therapy and realising I wasn't quite as unlovable as I'd thought. Met DH 6 months later and we're celebrating 10 years together very soon.

As I say, not everyone will be like what I was, but thought I'd share my experience.

Because it's FUCKIN BRILLIANT!!!! You couldn't pay me to ever date again.

I realised that often my friends who were in relationships were scanning the room more than I was, even through they weren't trying to meet someone. I was just concentrating on the company I was with.

That was probably a big contributory factor why I was single for a long time even though I never had difficulty when I was actually in the company of eligible men at parties etc. Just I didn't meet many eligible men as we got older and people paired off.

I do think if you don't do online dating, that's how a lot of people meet now so there is less dating outside those settings. Who knows if that's right though.

Having spent a week on match.com I've given up again, it was awful. I just kept asking myself why on earth I would invite some of this obvious baggage and problematic hobbies into my life - and that's when we're all selling ourselves to each other. I'd rather go back to the casual sex websites where at least expectations are low.

I absolutely hate my life. I am single. I have never been in a relationship. I am terrified of growing old without anyone by my side. I don't recognise other people's stories of happy singledom at all.

I'm like this. I think it's a combination of having high standards and being self-sufficient and tbh quite commitment-phobic.

I’m definitely commitment phobic. I fancy blokes occasionally and if they show any interest it frightens me off. I worry that I will go off them for some reason and then have to dump them and I’m crap at difficult conversations. Or I find something about them that worries me or is a slight turn off, and I go off them.

So it’s easier to just fancy them from afar. It’s stupid, because although I am fine on my own generally, I would like to meet someone.

Also the ones I really fancy are usually married or in a relationship, so I can daydream about them without any risk of it actually going somewhere.

I think ultimately I’m self sabotaging because I expect them to be arseholes or to then meet someone better/funnier/more attractive than me, so by never being in a relationship I avoid getting hurt.

Just I didn't meet many eligible men as we got older and people paired off. Yes, this is an issue. I'm 31 and find all the men around my age to 40 are married or in long term relationships. Feels like I missed the boat shagging about enjoying being single while everyone else coupled up

) Some women are good at flirting/giving off encouraging vibes - others aren't.
2) Some women are attracted to many men while others are only attracted to a small number of men.

See I don’t think this is true, I am an outgoing flirt and find something attractive in a lot of people as it’s about interest not looks for me.

Yet other than a few short flings I’ve been single for 3 years. Getting a date and men to want to sleep with me isn’t an issue. But men don’t want a relationship with me. Something always means it never goes anywhere.

If I knew the answer I wouldn’t be alone sadly.

I fancy blokes occasionally

By this I mean when I really fancy someone, rather than just objectively appreciating a good-looking bloke. But the chances of the bloke I really fancy, fancying me back - zero.

You could be talking about me, Kernowgirl, I have the same problem. It's like something always makes me like the men who are utterly unsuitable and who I'm never going to have a long term relationship. I do wonder if I'm self sabotaging to ensure I don't end up with someone.

Getting a date and men to want to sleep with me isn’t an issue. But men don’t want a relationship with me. Absolutely this! They'll be very interested in sleeping with me, till another woman comes along who suddenly they're proposing to!

From about 15-21 I went from one relationship to the next, then was with my exh for about ten years. I think my standards were pretty low tbh and anything was better than being alone. Now I’ve been happily single for five years, and can’t really imagine being in a relationship again. I think the pp who said about compromise is right, I don’t think I could anymore. Plus I am now disabled, which I think would put off a lot of men.

Yes that really resonates with me too Kernowgal.

A combination of lack of freedom, 100% responsibility for children, only meeting men who relegate you/love bomb you/reveal their failings early on, an attachment style that is either disorganised, avoidant or anxious preoccupied.

If you're v attractive then lots of attractive men will be attracted to you but if you're just average then as you grow older the pool of men who you'd be attracted to who are attracted to you becomes smaller and smaller.

@TonOfLead *
I probably have a full house of many of the points that have been raised:

• I am fairly sure I give off the 'no chance' vibe. Although I'm not sure how
• I have no idea how to flirt
• I am oblivious to any signals being sent out by potential dates so I don't realise they are interested in me
• I am too comfortable being on my own and don't feel ready to compromise* This was me through most of my twenties (excluding a couple of short term boyfriends). Met DH when I was thirty, married a couple of years later, now have two teenagers and are happy together. Still somewhat surprised about it to be honest ...

I’ve been largely single for 11 years, since I split with ds’s dad. I’ve had a few short term things, but nothing more than a couple of months, and nothing at all since I had a brain injury almost 6 years ago.

I’ve been, on the whole, pretty happily single, and really haven’t been looking. I’ve become quite disabled this last few years, and part of me doesn’t want to inflict myself on someone else, as there’s a fair bit I just can’t manage nowadays and I’d hate to end up in a carer type relationship. So I’ve stopped looking, stopped noticing and stopped getting my hopes up.

You can learn how to flirt. You can google flirting skills. Some women just know the impact of a little light touch on a man’s arm while in conversation, a slightly lingering look, a flick of the hair.

Should’ve included the bend-and-snap ^

What’s the ‘bend and snap’?

From Legally Blonde. Google it

I never meet any men to even try flirting! I think if I can ever be that bothered to date again I’m going to have to try online dating. I’ve heard plenty of horror stories but do know a lot who have met there partners online and are now happy.

*their

By choice, I would have thought. Or at least they've been married once and have had children, I notice most women aren't in a massive hurry to start washing someone else's socks, funnily enough.

some women come from backgrounds where they think it's normal to be treated very badly, so do not have a very robust filtering process when it comes to new relationships..
This seems to be a very strong factor in women who bounce from relationship to relationship.
I've been long term single, not through choice.
I did the internet dating thing and the going out thing. "You're too fussy" said friends/family.
But here are some telling points:
I did a trial video for a dating show. I was told I shouldn't expect men to accept me having my own beliefs and opinions.
I looked at the men other women chose, said "no way", and those men turned out to be bad news.
But also
DH who I've been happily married to for 15 years was not someone I'd have picked on internet dating. Wrong age, wrong education.

If it’s by choice then fine, I came out of a LTR aged 28 and chose to be single to give me time to heal, reflect and just do whatever I wanted. I had a great year.

I have had friends who also choose to be single but the really long term single ones I have as friends or relatives it’s not usually been a choice.

Two had lives so entwined with their parents it was the dominant feature of their lives. It was a Mummy’s apron strings never untied sort of thing.

One woman was over 6ft and wanted a man at least as tall as her, so her dating pool was limited.

Two were desperate, they gave off desperate vibes. All they had wanted all their lives was to settle down and have dc. It was their be all and end all. One is my SIL and one a friend since teens.

We can be as supportive as we like but in this case it would have been helpful to know what men thought of them because with these two it wasn’t for want of trying.

I would never have compromised and was extremely fussy. I had a great pool to fish in as I worked in a male dominated industry at that point where only 10% of the workforce was female. It’s where I met DH. I would have picked him on an internet dating site.

Due to that male dominated workforce I do have a lot of male friends as well as women friends. A lot of them are quite shallow buggers who go for looks first and foremost as someone mentioned upthread. The ones who I didn’t remain friends with well the things they said about women, usually overheard by accident by me, honestly they were revolting specimens.

By choice, I would have thought. Or at least they've been married once and have had children, I notice most women aren't in a massive hurry to start washing someone else's socks, funnily enough. Did you read the OP?

Two were desperate, they gave off desperate vibes. All they had wanted all their lives was to settle down and have dc. I think it must be particularly hard when you're a woman who wants children. I don't, so perhaps that's part of why I'm not too bothered.

I had a great pool to fish in as I worked in a male dominated industry My industry is quite male dominated, although not as much as 90/10. And I work with some fantastic men. Who are all either taken, 30 years older, or 10 years younger.