I’m going to become a SAHP as the kids go off to school.....

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Posted in SAHP but it’s a bit tumbleweed there....

Oh bloody hell.... I’m nervous and excited all at once.

DH has just got confirmation of his promotion. 39k pay rise and 25k take home bonus. He needs more freedom work-wise, to take opportunities at short notice and travel. I’m a nurse, work PT and clear £800 a month after childcare is paid for.

I’m not planning to leave yet, I’m currently doing a specialist secondment until Sep 2020 so will stay until then. After that, my options at work would be to level up to band 7 in specialist role, which has been made clear to me I would need to increase my hours to at least 30, or go back to the ward and start all the nights, weekend, Christmases again, missing out on family time for a stressful job. I’ve been in High Court this year accused of negligence and despite case being dismissed by judge it’s sapped my confidence a bit.

Anyway, kids at that point will be 9 and rising 5, both in school. I plan to stay fit, walk the dog in lovely places, lead to read Hebrew, help out at the school. I will work one shift a month to maintain my registration. I’m not sure about the future, when kids are both at secondary school etc. But I feel ready to take this time to make home life less hectic and provide a relaxing haven for my kids and DH. To know I’ll be there on bank holidays and assemblies and Christmas performances.

Has anyone any experiences/pitfalls to share about becoming a SAHM with school age children? Most of my SAHM friends are thinking about going back to work as the children move off to school. I’m a bit worried about being lonely although I have lots of friends, and about becoming boring and not having anything to talk about (Not that I find SAHP boring at all!)

How wonderful! My advice would be to plan for worst case and hope for best. As a couple you are putting all your eggs in 1 basket in terms of his career. Make sure you know how you would handle it if he were made redundant, or sick. Sort out your own pension provision / investments from some of his pay rise. I am in a dual career family which has benefits but also downsides as neither of us are free to give our all to work and we both have to give and take on the domestic front.

The school day is not long, really, it’ll whizz by! Great plan to keep doing some shifts, so you keep your future options open.

Pitfalls: you may be expected to do all of the housework which is incredibly monotonous! Make sure you agree with DH that he does half the housework at weekends.

Wtf is "rising five"? That aside I'm a SAHP through choice having left my career and it's great. But you do get lazy and it can feel a bit like cabin fever at times.

We spend all of the holidays away and doing things, December is fabulous, I get everything sorted by 1st December and then it's Christmas cheer all the way. Enjoy! And make sure you have pension provisions!

Yes to setting up a private pension! Other than that being a stay at home parent without kids all day is a wonderful opportunity. There’s the whole practical stuff to get done but then the day is yours. I expanded my hobbies to meet new people - different gym etc. I tried volunteering but to be honest I just didn’t enjoy it.

‘Rising five’ means that the OP’s child is about to turn five.

And I think you’d be crazy to become financially dependent on someone else. What about using the new cash flow and your leisure in 2020 to career change to something less stressful, without shiftwork, weekends, Christmases etc?

I was a SAHM until my DDs were in senior school.

Loved it and still miss it at times (they've both graduated university!). I was always on hand to listen to them unwind after school. When things weren't going well we took them out and home educated. I renovated the house, wrote a book.

The odd thing was the 3 o'clock mental cut-off. Took me years to get used to not having to be somewhere (school for pick up).

Y'up. I'm semi-retired now but still miss those years.

Do you actually want to stop work? That's not actually clear from your OP. If your secondment ends in a year, there might be other opportunities to pursue in the meantime. Don't you think it would be a shame to give up your profession?

I'm not working at the moment and I have 1 child in school and expecting another. I decided to take some time out to spend time with my son before the baby is born. It's been nice as we had the whole summer and now I can do the school run and do class assemblies and things which previously would have been picked up by grandparents.

The longer term plan is to start a master's in Sep 2020 and reskill.

I'm in a weirdly similar situation to you OP, and have decided to keep working.

Being a nurse defines who I am to an extent, although I hate the politics and bullshit I love my specialist field of work. I'd hate to have to start again at a band 5 in my 50s should my relationship break down.
I also really don't like housework. I find it boring and tedious, and get no joy from it.

So I plan to keep working 3 days, taking home about £1500 on a band 7. Some of this will go to wrap around care, some to a cleaner / window cleaner / whatever other help I want, some to a pension, and the rest for me and dc to enjoy or save, as I wish.

I still get 2 full days a week to myself when dc are in school, and the mental stimulation of 3 days work. Plus I'm not reliant on anyone for finance, as I could increase to full time tomorrow should I want to or need to. I've also kept the dynamics of my relationship with DP equal.

Just be sure to think everything through before effectively throwing away your career and going back to where you were as a newly qualified nurse.

Slightly baffled as to why DH would do half the housework??

You do need to think of the future- what would happen if you split up? DH loses his job? you get bored?
is there any half way house - a different type of nursing? is it just the change that would be a problem- eg if you could continue on your current hours would you want to change?
It would change the dynamics of your relationship and the family so you need to make sure that you understand and discuss things. Also as a WOHP with a non-working partner (not my choice!)- I find the pressure incredibly hard- I lost my job a few years ago and it was horrible feeling solely responsible

I would totally do this when kids are at school, don’t think I could cope before that
I’d sew, bake, do sport, volunteer at school, join a not for profit, do all the driving them around and we could unwind in the evenings instead of catching up on work the housekeeping and admin.
Probably won’t happen.

Interestingly, a few of my friends who returned to work when their babies were 8 months, had a few maternity leaves with 3 years and ploughed on through the tough preschooler / non-sleeping stage, are giving up work now their children are at school. They are just burnt out from the last 7/8 years and desperate for some work / life balance in their family life. I think it’s partly about entering our 40s and realising that life needs to be lived well now, and that in ten years time the children will be leaving for uni...

I have recently (well a year ago) become a SAHM with 3 children. I love it! I still have a cleaner though which I know makes me very lucky.

I do a lot of exercise and am pretty involved with the children in terms of watching matches and driving them to a lot of extra curriculars.

Financially I am well protected. I certainly don't expect DH to do half the chores at weekends - that really would be pretty cheeky when I get loads more freetime than him.

I've been a sahp for 25 years. I have a severely disabled child and and there is no way around this. My other kids have flown the nest and I have lots of time alone. I do like solitude, but sometimes it overwhelms me - but I chose it. I've found the lack of an adult to talk to hard, but I do isolate myself - which is a contradiction, I know.

I'm sick of cleaning, not that my house is spotless, but there has to be more to my life than that. I have money, time and a car, but I've fallen into a huge rut and only I can pull myself out of it. I'm needed for my DC at unexpected times, so I can't be relied on at any given time - in terms of a job or volunteering.

So if you do do it, stick to your fab plans on how to fill your day. I've a couple of old friends who I meet regularly, they have retired and they are both really busy and have fab social lives. I've made my bed this way on purpose and it's not been to my benefit. I'm not moaning about it, just warning you not to do what I have done.

I also hate that I'm not financially independent. DH and I have the same amount of "pocket money", we're very fair and he's happy. But I do miss my own pay packet. He never questions what I've been doing with my time. If I've done bugger all for the whole week, that's fine.

I'm in my 50's and feel there has to be more to life than this. I miss my career. I need to pull my finger out and do more than I am.

Sorry, that was a bit of a long one. Hope you love your extra time op.

I've been a SAHP since having my first almost 12 years ago. My DH has always had a well-paid, but demanding job with lots of travel and long, unpredictable hours. If I had worked we'd have needed a nanny in the early years and an au-pair since they started school and that simply wasn't something that either of us wanted.

In your situation, I can entirely understand why you would want to step away and see how that works. I have a good friend who has tried to make an NHS job work with her family and it's just ended up with her on beta blockers! So I say go for it and give it a try. You might be bored and unfulfilled, or you might absolutely love it. Just don't expect everyone else to understand and expect at least some judgement from those who work and couldn't imagine being at home. I now study PT with the OU, because I got bored once both DC were at school FT and the novelty of all that time to myself had worn off, but I'd enjoy it for a bit and see how you feel. It certainly makes life much easier during the school holidays and any time your DC are unwell.

Another nurse here, with a similar story: confidence sapped completely due to events in work, sick of no time off in school holidays, children all in school and considering quitting and doing (less) shifts on agency.

It’s because my oldest is going to school now that I don’t think I’ll be going back after this maternity leave.
School holidays are more than both my and DH’s annual leave allowances combined (a lot more in fact), school hours obviously are about 2/3 of a working day... it doesn’t really work. Obviously I could make it work if I NEED it to work but I don’t need it to and it’s going to be quite a lot of extra stress and I don’t really see why our lives should become so stressful unless they have to be.
Enjoy OP. There will be loads to do. After getting back before pick up and leaving again for pick up there aren’t loads of hours in day once you’ve done a quick tidy and maybe had a think about what to make for dinner anyway.

I think it sounds fantastic OP, if you keep up your registration, sort out a pension for yourself and income protection for DH.

I'm a SAHM but DS is in nursery 5 mornings a week. I use the time to clean, cook, exercise, all my medical appts (chronic disease and an autoimmune disease so lots of appts). It means evenings and weekends are free for family time.

I've always been reliant on DH financially as he's always earnt 3x me. If I went back after mat leave, we would have needed an au pair around ft nursery and it didn't make sense for us. I'm also able to help out a bit more at nursery and take on some of the tasks that the working parents can't-washing dress up clothes etc.

Can you do some bank work, keep up your registration etc and see how you like being a sahp you can always go back later on then.

I am not a sahm but got a term time job when school started otherwise trying to cover all the hols/early pick ups etc just a pain. Still have the inevitable vomit-off/school for 48h etc to solve tho

I would if I could. I have two DC in primary and work a four day week over five days, with two of them at home.

The days I am at home are so much easier, reading / homework etc all done nice and early, I usually cook dinner during the day to reheat later. It's so much less stressy than when they get back from ASC at 6.30 with DH and I get in at 7. I'ts a casual walk to school rather than me practically chucking them in the gate to get back to the station to get in to the office.

I actually think they need me at home more now than they did when they were babies.

I’ve been in High Court this year accused of negligence and despite case being dismissed by judge it’s sapped my confidence a bit.

You poor thing!!

That is massive. Initially I thought don’t give up your career! but when I read that I don’t blame you!!

The stress of going through that would have been absolutely massive.

Long term stress of remaining in that environment would very likely impact on your health (I have seen it before).

Please enjoy this time 🙂

Try and do some training though, I know SAHM who are bored with the role and hate not having any independence outside the home.

I stopped at 50, to become stay at home aunt for my niece when my sis got divorced. Sis worked fulltime and I did all the cooking, housework and niece taxi-ing. I have a small income from my flat being rented out, until my pension kicks in, in 2 years from now. I was NHS - not clinical - and I was done. It's an exhausting organisation to work for. I say - take the time out ( and good for you in keeping your registration) and you'll find your quality of life so improved. And I don't think you will be bored! School drop offs and pick ups give structure to your day, so you still have to plan how to fit everything in. Enjoy!

I'm a sahm of school age children.

I'm always busy....it's not as much time as you think really.

It's great to always be on hand for school stuff, appointments and also evenings and weekends are more relaxed as I can do chores during school time.

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. I retired early from nursing. No more night shifts, no more abuse.

Sounds blissful OP, love that you have a year to prepare and look forward to a bit of breathing space.
I would volunteer for a women’s refuge or homeless charity if I could and possibly see if I could find a charity that would insure me to provide some community nursing in one of those.