I’m going to become a SAHP as the kids go off to school.....

[FastAway]

Posted in SAHP but it’s a bit tumbleweed there....

Oh bloody hell.... I’m nervous and excited all at once.

DH has just got confirmation of his promotion. 39k pay rise and 25k take home bonus. He needs more freedom work-wise, to take opportunities at short notice and travel. I’m a nurse, work PT and clear £800 a month after childcare is paid for.

I’m not planning to leave yet, I’m currently doing a specialist secondment until Sep 2020 so will stay until then. After that, my options at work would be to level up to band 7 in specialist role, which has been made clear to me I would need to increase my hours to at least 30, or go back to the ward and start all the nights, weekend, Christmases again, missing out on family time for a stressful job. I’ve been in High Court this year accused of negligence and despite case being dismissed by judge it’s sapped my confidence a bit.

Anyway, kids at that point will be 9 and rising 5, both in school. I plan to stay fit, walk the dog in lovely places, lead to read Hebrew, help out at the school. I will work one shift a month to maintain my registration. I’m not sure about the future, when kids are both at secondary school etc. But I feel ready to take this time to make home life less hectic and provide a relaxing haven for my kids and DH. To know I’ll be there on bank holidays and assemblies and Christmas performances.

Has anyone any experiences/pitfalls to share about becoming a SAHM with school age children? Most of my SAHM friends are thinking about going back to work as the children move off to school. I’m a bit worried about being lonely although I have lots of friends, and about becoming boring and not having anything to talk about (Not that I find SAHP boring at all!)

it is nice earning your own money

Until food, clothes, shelter etc become free, surely it's rather more crucial than 'nice'?

My advice would be to keep your toe in your career, then you always have options.

I totally agree with this. I knew I was ok entering the same industry I left as I'd been able to keep up with changes due to dh being in the same type of work. He has a business I helped with, which in turn kept my hand in.

@DreamingofSunshine I tend to tell people I'm a teacher but having a break for a year or so because I do intend to get back to work if and when my health improves. I've had some positive changes with my health recently but possibly that's BECAUSE I'm not working.

It is without a doubt, much easier for the whole family that I'm at home for the time being. The DCs can go to the park with me after school, or come home and watch a film with a biscuit if they're tired. DH can play sport a couple of evenings a week because he doesn't have to do childminder pivkups- no more late meetings for me. I can go to appointments on my own during the day, do birthday present without the kids hanging off me, etc.

I wouldn't want to be at home permanently as I do miss working, but for now it works for us as I can rest during the day, potter round doing a few bits, then pick the DCs up.

Everyone says life will get easier when your children go to school but in some ways it's busier. Endless birthday parties to buy presents and cards for, lunchboxes, trip money, dress up days, reading records, homework, parents evening, nativity, donations of jam jars filled with sweets for school fair etc etc etc. None of those things are particularly onerous to sort out but there's a lot going on week by week and more mental load I suppose.

Schools are germ swamps (I know this first hand having taught in schools for years) and there are so many colds going round. Having a quiet time after school is preferable to a busy childminder or after school club when they're feeling crappy.

My DH works away quite a bit, we have no family nearby and now when he needs to go abroad he just puts it on the calendar rather than us having a big negotiation with whether I can get to the childminder by 6pm those days. Teaching seems so family friendly but in reality I was in the classroom 7.30am until 6pm most days and then often battled the traffic to get home.

A slower pace of life is great for now.

What happens if your DH falls ill and can’t work or should the relationship break down? One shift a month wouldn’t cover the bills.

Being the sole earner can lead to resentment and cause pressure on one person especially if the other is child free at home free to do as they please all day.

I’d also echo it is nice to have your own money, not just for indepenbut when gifting etc so that they aren’t buying their own gifts.

For me, I’d be worried about the model set to children. I personally wouldn’t want to model the men work and women don’t.

Yes it’s a real luxury to not have to work but it comes with a lot of pitfalls.

IceCream

What pitfalls?
I've never seen it as him buying his own presents, it's as much my money as his. It would have cost him thousands for childcare if I'd have worked too. This way I save us money which then becomes our money, how we see it anyway.
Mine has never resented me being a sahm, I think he likes it as he works from home so we could concentrate on our relationship too, when dc were at school.

Like a lot here, I have a v high earning DH and my career paid a fraction of what his does. By the time we'd paid for the nanny to cover my 12-hour days it just wasn't worth the while.

I agree about income protection in case something happens to DH, but I don't like the attitude (frequently expressed) of 'what if you break up/he leaves you?' I think it ignores how much a stressed out two-income family is actually a factor in relationship breakdown. Every woman should have a career but that doesn't mean it should be prioritised over being at home - if circumstances allow - while children are young.

I admit I may be biased as I had my cake (highly satisfying career till DC came along when I was 40) and get to eat it too as DH now earns a lot, which wasn't the case 20 years ago, so I can stay at home and don't feel I'm missing out.

I took up various volunteering roles, in school, in libraries, with parenting organisations. I met some wonderful people and really enjoyed working in areas that weren't intensely technical. And I did enjoy being able to do the school run and turn up for all the school's daytime events.

By the end I was desperate for my own money and I was absolutely ready to return to work (which took ages to do and was quite demoralising). But I don't regret it at all.

The maximum I can earn would be 37k at my current band, if working full time. Even now we are completely dependent on his wage..... the mortgage payments are 2.5k a month, we have savings to live for about three months if husband lost his job and then we would have to be out. So in that way it wouldn’t make a huge amount of difference if I was working or not. We have plenty of equity. There isn’t really a plan b if he got sick or ill or left me....: I would have to buy a small flat outright with my bit of the equity, go back full time and live very frugally.

I'm not a SAHP but I'm very part time and my kids are at school. I have a similar professional role (Specialist Teacher) and I volunteer as an advisor to a national charity on education issues. I love having time to do this, it looks good on my CV and I feel it keeps me going work wise. Just a thought.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss we have income protection, and we own another property which we rent out. I'm also lucky to be from a wealthy family and my parents would support me and DS if need be.

@FastAway as a nurse I would have thought you'd be able to find work quickly in a worst case scenario if you maintain your registration?

Most decisions in life are a calculated risk, with few guarantees.

Everyone says life will get easier when your children go to school but in some ways it's busier. Endless birthday parties to buy presents and cards for, lunchboxes, trip money, dress up days, reading records, homework, parents evening, nativity, donations of jam jars filled with sweets for school fair etc etc etc.

But do any of those things - even collectively - require you to not have a job? I must confess I'm always slightly baffled by the idea that being a semi-involved parent requires you to be unemployed. I don't have an opinion either way as to what the OP plans to do, but I do think it's a bit silly to suggest that buying a birthday card and helping with homework is that taxing. I work FT, have 3 kids, and run a brownie troop. Busy, yes, but get into a rhythm and you're fine.

But do any of those things - even collectively - require you to not have a job? I must confess I'm always slightly baffled by the idea that being a semi-involved parent requires you to be unemployed.

Not if you are fit and healthy, no. If you read up thread you'd see I've had to give up my job due to a serious health condition. Just getting my DC to school and getting myself a shower is my limit some days. I was just pointing out that there seems to be a lot more organising of stuff in general once they start school.

That is a very high mortgage op?
Can you afford to do this?

Enjoy! I'm pretty much in the same position, I work for myself part time at home but it's fully flexible. My youngest is in his last year of Primary school and I have two at secondary school too.

During the primary years we've really enjoyed the flexibility. I have always been able to help on school trips, go to last minute school assemblies, parents evenings, sports days which are cancelled and rescheduled many times because of weather etc. DH travels a lot for work and the kids appreciate having at least one of us available at all times.

I also volunteer two mornings a week which I really enjoy.

I am or will be in a similarish position in that DH has started out earning me by a ridiculous amount now. I am a band 7 working two days a week ( not a nurse but clinical). I have three dc, one in school. Our mortgage payments are nowhere near as high as you. But we have absolutely no savings as the money has only just started to come in and we have very little pension and no family money on either side to speak of so now it the time to build up our finances for the future. At the moment the balance is just about ok. I am totally treading water in my job and have just about come to terms with that. At the moment I try to see it that my wage allows the children to go to nursery a few days a week ( get the 30 hours for one of them) which I think is good for their development. I intend to reassess when all the kids are in school As others have said it may get harder and busier in many ways and DH may be earning more.
I want the freedom to do amazing things in the holidays with the kids and my job doesn’t allow that much freedom for that.
My problem is it is harder to keep up my professional registration as it is a bit more niche. Can’t do bank work.
I would def keep up your registration with the bank work if you can. It will be a comfort/safety net to always be able to go straight back into working if you need to.

Im a high school teacher. So many children would benefit from having a parent at home morning and afternoon. It wouldnt be a waste for you to do this. Youre right it would create a calm environment because youre not rushing all the time and snatching moments. Embrace it.

the kids appreciate having at least one of us available at all times

I'm sure my child would adore having me available at all times. He would also like to play BrawlStars four hours a day, live on lemon drizzle cake and go to bed at midnight.

I’m another one who is a sahm as my only child is in school - it’s a little different as we live abroad at the moment and due to visa issues I actually can’t work.
I hope to go back when we return to the U.K. but anticipate that it might be difficult. I’ll probably have to do a bit of locum work to get back into things.
Thing is, if I’m being honest, I don’t really want to go back to my old role! Dh is a high warmer with the potential in the next move to become a really high earner.
I’d like to retrain into something else by I don’t know what.

@itsboiledeggsagain we have crunched the numbers and it seems very doable.
@C0untDucku1a thank you that means a lot.
Frenchfancie, I would also like to retrain. In fact I would be a great lecturer in my subject but there is one job role I would have to do prior to that which would be lots of nights and weekends. Just not interested in that at moment. A school hours job two days a week in a library would be the dream.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been thankful I'm a sahm.

Every time one of the dc is sick, every time I've had that phonecall from school saying I need to collect them - twice in the past year my teen boys have had to be taken to A&E from accidents during PE (bloody rugby!!) and I've had to drop everything and rush to them.

The dc's primary school really seemed to expect parents to be able to go to an endless stream of assemblies, meetings, "story-time" afternoons, harvest festival, xmas concerts, nativities and all sorts - I could go to them all with no issues.

My DS had some issues with school refusal a few years back - and we decided to home educate him for the latter part of yr 6 - not an issue, I was at home and available to do this.

As I said upthread, it's not v fashionable to say that children benefit from having a parent at home, even at secondary school - but I'm sure it's true. So @C0untDucku1a I agree with you. I know it's not an option for everyone - I realise I'm very lucky.

Same position to FrenchFancie here.

I wholeheartedly agree with the PPS who say the DC and the entire household benefit.

Having it done it though and nearly come out the other side (mine is 16 yrs and much more independent now) I would inject a word of caution and say that it doesn't come without personal cost to the sahm and teens nowadays don't tend to respect sahms that much. (My wohm friends tell me that their teens using different sticks to beat them with so it could just be a teen thing, but anyway ... ). Let's just say at a time when DC grow up and look at their parents in a more objective/assessing/judgemental manner, a mother who stays at homes and pairs socks (in their eyes - I know sahms do a sod of a lot more than that!) are sometimes found to be a bit lacking, in comparison to the working parent and in comparison to their friend's mothers who all have interesting/glamorous exciting jobs apparently and it does make you feel a bit shit.

They don't (currently) remember or appreciate the fact that you were always there to pick them up from school or attend the school play. They've forgotten the whole class parties you organised for then at 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 yrs or the fact that you volunteered at their primary school twice a week for eight years. They tend to only remember the conflicts that you are having with them currently and the fact that you don't have as much money as everyone else!

And as other pps have said, no one in the household really seems to appreciate what you do chore-wise unless it doesn't get done for some reason, and they don't really appreciate the sacrifices you have made career-wise to stay at home. And I say that as someone with a very supportive and kind DH.

I don't regret my choices because if I had to do it all over again, I would still do the same thing (in our expat situation with a dh who travels frequently and without much advance warning there were few choices tbh). However, I only feel good about it now because I have recently identified a new small business opportunity and am working towards that starting in 2021. If I was facing my last ten years of productive working life with no earning capabilities then it might be a different story I think!

So in summary, go for it op! You and your DC will benefit in the short-term. Keep an eye on the long-term view though and with that in mind, keep your fingers in a few pies so you don't become unemployable in seven or eight years time!

No justification needed. If it works for your family do it, if it doesn't, go back to work. Money buys you the choice to benefit your family however you wish. You get criticism either way so my pearl of wisdom is to learn not to care what others think earlier in life.

My youngest DC has just started Reception so I am now SAHM with all my kids being in school. I had loads of plans for what I was going to do but to be honest the school day flies by and before I know it I'm picking them up again.
Also there is a lot of crap that comes with it. I barely manage, I have zero idea how super human working parents do it. I would be on my knees trying to keep on top of it all.