I’m going to become a SAHP as the kids go off to school.....

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Posted in SAHP but it’s a bit tumbleweed there....

Oh bloody hell.... I’m nervous and excited all at once.

DH has just got confirmation of his promotion. 39k pay rise and 25k take home bonus. He needs more freedom work-wise, to take opportunities at short notice and travel. I’m a nurse, work PT and clear £800 a month after childcare is paid for.

I’m not planning to leave yet, I’m currently doing a specialist secondment until Sep 2020 so will stay until then. After that, my options at work would be to level up to band 7 in specialist role, which has been made clear to me I would need to increase my hours to at least 30, or go back to the ward and start all the nights, weekend, Christmases again, missing out on family time for a stressful job. I’ve been in High Court this year accused of negligence and despite case being dismissed by judge it’s sapped my confidence a bit.

Anyway, kids at that point will be 9 and rising 5, both in school. I plan to stay fit, walk the dog in lovely places, lead to read Hebrew, help out at the school. I will work one shift a month to maintain my registration. I’m not sure about the future, when kids are both at secondary school etc. But I feel ready to take this time to make home life less hectic and provide a relaxing haven for my kids and DH. To know I’ll be there on bank holidays and assemblies and Christmas performances.

Has anyone any experiences/pitfalls to share about becoming a SAHM with school age children? Most of my SAHM friends are thinking about going back to work as the children move off to school. I’m a bit worried about being lonely although I have lots of friends, and about becoming boring and not having anything to talk about (Not that I find SAHP boring at all!)

Thank you everyone. It’s lovely to hear such positive replies. Actually at the moment I can’t wait. Discussed it with my 7 year old last night (as a hypothetical and lots of caveats etc) and he was thrilled. He loves his childminder but he can’t wait to just come home after school. It’s the childcare juggle I am looking forward to getting rid of - every Thursday night a grandparent travels down to our house (all live around 90 mins drive away) and stays over and does childcare on the Friday. I love them all and we are so grateful but the bed changing, getting the house visitor ready, cooking a meal for them to heat up etc etc is so wearing after a really busy Thursday at work, which is my longest and busiest and saddest day (my job role is sad). Then I walk in the house on a Friday and of course they want to socialise with me, the house is chaos etc.

Pensions are the think I am worried about. As part of the promotion DH loses his employer contribution and of course I will leave my job. DH’s expected trajectory means that in about 5 years we should be very comfortable indeed and would then really have to think about pensions etc but then we would be almost 45. And school fees may be in the mix then too.

Sounds like a plan with few drawbacks, OP.

I do it, and I love it. I do all the sorts of stuff you're planning to do - walking the dogs, yoga etc, believe me, you'll soon wonder how you had time to work I'm never lonely, and never bored - but I'm not the sort of person who gets bored tbh. I know it's not fashionable to say so, but It's great for the kids to always have Mum here, although my kids are thoroughly spoiled, because they've always had me here, never had child minders or anything.

Good luck with it. The only downside is not having a job to talk about

Make sure you have equal input/access to the finances, and make sure some stuff is in your name, and sort out wills if you haven't already.

Maybe look into private pension plans, or good long-term investment plans?

Definitely have a very clear discussion about money. The way you've written made me wonder how your finances are sit at the minute as you say you're left with £800 after childcare as if it comes out of your wage alone.

It's a great idea to keep your registration active as you can change your mind anytime then.

I did this too. I found that as the dc grew older they needed me more and were happier to be home in their own space after school. Best decision ever. We got a dog & everyone is happier. 5 years on and the after school stuff has expanded to fill the time, meaning I'd struggle to go back to my old working pattern, but my kids have been able to really get into their hobbies. I am no longer stressed by work, so it's easier to bear the strain of family life.

I think of the housework as a job. No one enjoys 100% of their job, so I shouldn't expect it to be fun. Somehow makes it easier to just get on with. It also helps me get more structure to me day & I can give myself permission to take time out to exercise, meet friends, do a hobby, because I have done the housework hours.

One of the worst things is the lack of gratitude. At work, my dh is the great provider & gets praise & good pay/bonuses for his efforts. Family look at his great success & seniority & no one thinks to realise that he wouldn't have made it there without my support at home. It can be tough to realise that no one is ever going to make such a song and dance about what a successful sahp I am!

I do work, but only 2 short days to keep in touch so that I could ramp the hours up again if I need to. It keeps the part of my identity that I worked for years to build up & allows me to use my brain again.

Good luck, and enjoy!

Our finances are completely shared, I just phrased it that way for ease.

That's good OP, I think the only way it can work is if finances are all completely shared. I'm fortunate to have had an inheritance, and DH is a very high earner, so I just don't need to work, unless I want to. It doesn't seem worth the additional stress and running around. Although I do talk to the children all the time about when I was at university, and the job I did before having them etc etc- so they don't think women are born to be housewives

I found that as the dc grew older they needed me more

Definitely agree. My eldest has just started secondary school. He needs me more right now it seems then he ever did as a toddler. He needs lots of guidance and support...I'm really pleased I'm here as soon as the school day is finished to listen to his days dramas, help with homework and to make sure he's fed, exercised and rested.

Yes, I thought DS1 would lead me less once he was at secondary, he's only 3 weeks in, but so far he's needed me far more than he did at primary. For starters, I'm taking him and collecting him at the moment, then we've dramas about settling into the new school, we've had several small issues I've had to sort out, and tonight, because he's really worried about preparing for a test tomorrow, I've said I'll spend as much time as he needs going over the stuff with him. He's older and more able, but the work is harder and the expectations much higher.

*NEED, not lead

This has got me thinking as I only returned to work 2 years ago on a part time basis. All my kids are in secondary school, we have activities on every night. This last 2 weeks I have been home as my dd has been unwell and its been so nice being there when they get in, helping with home work, reading with them, chatting to them and making a healthy dinner. I feel the house has been calmer and more relaxed. Its made me think maybe being at home would be better, just need to work out the costs and see if we can still live ok on only my dh wage.

You’ve had some very good practical advice so won’t add to that, but having now come out of the other side, think about the loss of identity and status that becoming a stay at home parent involves.

Not having your own earned money is infantilising, even if your household income or personal capital is huge and your other half completely unconcerned about your hairdressing or designer shoe habit. I work in a risky industry (financial tech) and as a result have experienced long periods of redundancy during which DH was the sole earner. Just because we still had way more than we could spend didn’t mean I didn’t pause for thought every. single. bloody. time I went to the cashpoint knowing I hadn’t earned a penny of that money myself.

The killer for me was the dismissive way I was treated any time I said I was a stay at home mother. Slighty cunty remarks from so-called friends, former colleagues who’d leapfrogged me even with lesser abilities, even my GP who described me in a letter to a consultant as a “sensible housewife and mother”, oblivious that I’d also been the youngest director of a household name business.

I LOVED being at home with the children and doing my own thing in the downtime, but the lack of love from everyone else ruined the experience for me.

Ah well in that case, I'd say go for it and enjoy it!

It sounds like the perfect decision. You’ve had a stressful time. I retrained about 5 years ago after trying to juggle everything with young children and a husband who wasn’t around a lot. I did take a few years off though.

Agree, just make sure finances are in order. So can you get a private pension? You have full access to joint account? House etc all in joint names.

Then enjoy. The hours whizz by and you won’t be bored despite what some say.

If you don’t want to describe yourself as a SAHM then just say you’re on a career break. Somehow this is more acceptable 🙄.

Also, I do find the kids need you around more once they are at school. Nursery is a longer day.

Do you know, mumdom, it doesn't bother me not earning - I see us as a team, and the money feels ours, so I'm ok on that point. I earned for 10yrs before DC, and this doesn't feel any different tbh.

But what really strikes a chord with me is this: when asked "what do you do? "sahm" - I often say it in a self-deprecating way "oh, I'm just a mum" - which actually does often get responses like "well that's work! Hard work" etc etc - but it's just not very interesting is it? I don't tend to get cunty replies, but you can tell people are often thinking them iyswim. It's a bit sad that caring for children at home isn't seen as valuable - people wouldn't be so sneery to a nursery nurse, would they?

I've seriously thought about thinking up a job title for myself, without actually getting a job. Like getting a potter's wheel and calling myself a self-employed potter or something

This was me OP, although I didn't go back post dc.
We've had wonderful years as a family and mine are mostly grown up and left home now, bar one aged 15.
It enabled us such freedom and choice that we wouldn't have had with both of us working.
I'm now starting my own business at 53, and looking forward to many years on the road.

Make sure you have provision for retirement, it doesn't have to be a pension fund, we stayed well clear of these.
Also, as a pp said make contingencies for illness, divorce, and of course redundancy and death.
Sorry for the gloom, but it's foolish not to consider what could happen worst case scenario.

I'm a sahm due to health issues. Will comment properly later but hi 🙂

@mumdom I have to be honest, I've never felt guilty for a moment that I haven't 'earnt' the money; if I didn't do what I do, DH couldn't do what he does.

bluewaves do you tell people that you are a SAHM due to health issues? DS has started a new preschool and there's a parent social next week and I'm not sure what to say. I have a general desire to raise awareness of my hidden disability but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I am a nurse and DC2 just started school, and I am very jealous!! Well, that was my initial thought anyway. I would love no more shifts, being able to go to sleep in my bed every night instead of heading to work at bedtime, no more days when I don't see my DC because I am out of the house from before they wake up until after they go to sleep, no more of the stress and tears and fear of doing something so wrong that it has a terrible impact on a patient, having time to read, tidy the house, exercise, be there for DH and DC etc. And, the good thing about nursing is you can keep your registration just by doing the occasional bank shift so you have enough hours to revalidate just in case you ever want or need to go back to it. I do know I would miss it though, because all my friends are through work and I am terrible at making new friends, so would go days on end without speaking to another adult if I didn't have work. I hope you enjoy it.

I stumbled into becoming a SAHM to school age children. I worked p/t and f/t during their nursery years and reached the end of a run of a series of short term contracts then found that I couldn't face going back into the classroom after a really tough draining year in a school waiting for OFSTED and when Gove's policies/ reforms were all being flung at us with no resourcing.

DH is well secured in his job, but the cost of his role is that he is away frequently/ sporadically with little notice and I have to be able to do everything, indeed the last year I was working, he had a busy year which also piled the pressure on.

DS has high functioning SNs, he finds school draining and needs his own space and quiet to chill out. Nearly 3 hours in a cramped childcare provision is hell to him.

DH did more in the house when I was working, but having shorter in-the-workplace-hours, I copped an imbalance anyway. The children had to be fed at certain times and couldn't wait until 9pm for dinner just in the name of equality.

So I plan on being off while the DCs are in primary school. Family life is more relaxed and nicer for having more parental time. If I looked for work in a different field, there's the problem of holiday childcare, again DS's idea of Hell. Hopefully by the time my DCs no longer need childcare, reforms to workload will have been made... maybe...

I think it’s a great idea to maintain your NMC registration but I wonder if you’ve thought about how you’ll do that. It isn’t just about clinical hours and CPD any more. There’s so much more that’s required now with revalidation.

I had to do the new style revalidation in 2017 and will be due to do again in 2020 just before I leave.... tbh I didn’t find it too bad? I could certainly do the reflections and reflective discussions and the mandatory training we are kept up to date with as bank staff...:

@mumdom that’s interesting.....it is nice earning your own money but our incomes are so out of whack now that it’s almost a bit irrelevant? And he has said directly it will help his career. We’ve always pooled everything, taken out the bills, savings etc and split the difference.

You are all making it sound fairly idyllic at the moment!

I've just done something similar. I've been a sahm since my eldest was born (he's 9), but always assumed I would return to work once the youngest started school (he's 4, but has sen so we have delayed him starting school for a year, he starts next september). However, my dh has potential to do very well in his career and earn a lot of money, but this involves working early/late with no notice, taking clients out in the evening etc. Seeing as I would need to train in something to get back into work after being out for 9 years, it just makes more sense for me to be at home all the time, which I'm more then happy to do. I occasionally do a couple of days in the office where my husband works, but this is completely flexible and I choose when I'm going in, so I mainly go in when I want some extra cash! My advice would be to keep your toe in your career, then you always have options.