I really regret having my DD. She has ruined my life and is making me depressed.

[littleBumps]

We decided to try for another baby and were delighted when I got pregnant and we were so looking forward to having a baby in the house.

18m on the reality is so different. She's such a difficult baby. Always crying and whining all day long. If I go out it's the same. In the car it's the same. She cries at every nappy change, everytime I put her in the pushchair or car seat. She cries when she's in my arms, if I put her down, if I play with her, if I don't play with her. She's always just whining. I have to put her on my boob so she shuts up which means she's there most of the day.

This constant whining is making me so depressed. I can't do anything for myself/ the other kids/ around the house. I don't know how I've managed to even cook and do the bare minimum so far. I kept telling myself in the early days she'll get better when she starts sitting/ crawling/ weaning/ other milestone but nothing improves! My days have just wasted away getting nothing done. I don't expect to be having super productive days everyday or anything but i wasn't expecting not being able to even brush my hair most days.

I feel so depressed. I wake up in the morning and I instantly feel a sense of dread and wish I hadn't woken up. She starts her crying as soon as she wakes up.

I don't know what I want from this post. Just need to get it all out.

So sorry you’re going through this, OP. Agree with everyone else, you should see your GP to talk about how you’re feeling and also to explore the possibility there may be a physical reason for your DD’s distress.

My sister was a bloody nightmare, world’s most miserable kid - did nothing but cling and whine and cry and grizzle until she was about 3, when my mum suddenly realised she could hardly see. One pair of thick specs, child transformed!

And my own youngest DD also nearly did me in - clingy, fussy, never EVER slept. I was so exhausted I’d cry and feel like a failure every single day, could barely function in the daytime, let alone get my shit together - even, shamefully, fell asleep once on the school run whilst driving. For the longest time I felt like half a person and that she‘d honestly aged me about a decade. But we both got through it and she’s now a lovely, happy 13 yr old and a ray of sunshine in my life.

Get some help and hang on in there, love - the day will come when you’re filled with gratitude that you have her. Really, it will

Dd was a high needs baby. She cried if she wasn’t touching me 24/7. It was a tough few years. It almost broke me and cemented my decision to only have one child.

She is now 10yo and it turns out she is not neurotypical. She has gone through extensive testing and evaluation to help us figure out how best to help her because she still has some issues, particularly sensory issues. Academically in some subjects she is already at the university level. She is a talented artist. She is insightful about politics, human relations, and societal conventions. She is an incredibly challenging child to raise, but the rewards we are getting from seeing the amazing person she has become are worth it.

I wish I could go back to myself holding that screaming baby and tell myself that it’s ok. This child is harder to parent than most. She needs more than most children. You are pouring everything of yourself into caring for her right now and there is nothing left. But it is all going to be worth it. It will get easier. You will still have tough spells, but little by little, you will find she doesn’t need quite as much attention. You will get your life back and she will have a strong relationship with you, anchored by the dedication you showed in those first few years.

We used to joke that DS was never more than three seconds from a whinge. It wasn’t a joke though. It was bloody hard work. He’s four now and on the road to an ASD diagnosis. I remember hearing on MN that high needs babies sometimes grow up into children with special needs and I was terrified, but now I’m standing on the other side it’s actually a relief to know that he WAS unusually difficult and it WASN’T all in my head/my fault.

It’s definitely worth talking to your GP/HV because, whatever the cause, it isn’t normal to be so miserable all the time. And it’s making YOU miserable and you matter too.

I'm literally crying reading all your messages. I'm so exhausted mentally. I feel so alone. I speak to my DH but he's at work all day and doesn't really experience it like how I do as I'm always there.

I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with her physically but hadn't thought about about silent reflux. What other symptoms would there be?

I don't feel like I have pnd. I feel shit because I'm going through a really really hard time and anyone would feel low.

I've left her downstairs whilst I have my coffee and I can hear her screaming for no reason. She isn't even crying it's literally a scream. I think it's her personality. She's really really hard work. I hope she becomes better as she's older but she's been like this since she was born so I'm not very hopeful.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I have found the replies really helpful as I have similar problems with my DD who is nearly 15 months. Although I think your little ones is probably worse as my girl can be calmed down if I give her 100% attention/ entertainment or distraction all of the time. I do wonder about ADHD as she honestly never stops moving and we can’t go anywhere in the car/ pram.

I’ll share on here as I’m pretty ashamed but a particularly low point was when I told her to fuck off the other day. I promised myself that will never happen again and I just need to find better ways to cope with her behaviour.

My DD does have a cows milk allergy. You need to 100% get your little one tested or consider trying to eliminate some foods from her diet to see. As my girl calmed down so much once we got it sorted.

Please go and have a chat with your HV or GP about what's going on. They can offer support and advice. My ds1 was a nightmare and I didn't get a full nights sleep until he was 2 and it pushed me to the edge of despair and insanity. At the same time I had ds2 also and he had horrific colic, which was exhausting. I understand how you feel.

My DD whinged and whined so much I wanted to take her to the GP or Police Station and leave her there! It did not stop! She’s 8 now and the most loving child, but my god, she was a huge pain in my arse, nearly broke me and I never, ever thought it would get better!! But it did!

Agree with the advice to speak to HV and Doctor. Both for help with your DD and support for you. You sound bth exhausted and possible depressed.

And Tia3251 Your opinion may be that girls are difficult. But that's all it is. An opinion. I have both sexes too.

Obviously it’s an opinion like everyone else on here. I didn’t do a scientific experiment!

Wow I’m in exactly the same boat as you OP. I feel like a failure sometimes when I see other mums with their babies contently sleeping in the pushchair, my Dd just screams until I pick her up.
I went to my friends the other day and she has a 6 month old DD, she was laying on her back on the sofa whilst we were chatting and the tv was on, all of a sudden her eyes started to close and she fell asleep just like that! I felt crap after that as it literally takes a human sacrifice to get Dd to sleep haha just kidding, but seriously takes a good 20-30 mins of rocking and singing, then when I put her down in her cot she 7/10 times wakes up. She isn’t sleeping through yet either (9 months old) and I feel like I’m the only person in the world who has a difficult baby. I absolutely love her though.
I don’t have any advice as I’m stuck in it myself but I just wanted to say you’re not alone and if you ever need to vent to me then please do x

Sounds like hard work. Definitely get her checked out for physical things like allergies.
Can you afford a childminder? Even a couple of half days might help?
Also does she do anything like swimming or toddler groups? Maybe she just needs constant stimulation otherwise she's bored.
Does she sleep ok? Wonder if she's tired?

Please listen to me, this post could have been written by me!! My 2nd baby was exactly the same! Exactly! I openly said that he was making our lives a misery even at 15/16 Months old. His behaviour and very nature made me and my dh so miserable and drained and depressed, 100 times more than with a 'normal' baby (like our dd).

OP he is now 2 years and 2 months and he has transformed into an absolute ray of sunshine every single day. It is incredible. He was an absolute nightmare until about 20 months. Horrendous, exactly how you've described. He is now the happiest, cheeriest boy in the world. Please don't give up. Hang in there. You have to love bomb your baby, hold her, comfort her even when you're at snapping point- trust me it will pay off in the end. She needs all that from you and She will come out the other side a happy and secure child. One thing that Really helped me was I found on the internet about 'high needs babies ' and that felt like a real light bulb moment to me. The other thing that helped was nursery even though i was convinced he'd hate it (He did for ages but I just needed a break 2 mornings a week) I hope you read this and get some hope from it, every day me and my husband are so grateful that we have our happy boy instead of our crying, whinging, whining unhappy boy. My 6 year old dd also now loves her little brother!

I really feel for you my dd was like this, i used to dreaf every dam day, hate when my dh would go to work or even pop to the shops, the thought of another day used to feel me with utter dread, i remember wishing we didnt have another child and stuck with 1.
Horrible horrible times.
She is now 13 and until i read this post has forgotten, she is pure delight now and my god she is the sweetest girl.
Hang on in there i promise it gets easier.

I mean, yeah, see the GP etc as everyone has said, but I think in a lot of cases, women are told there’s something wrong with them and they need medicated in various ways for not enjoying parenthood. PND is common of course, but there’s so many posts, on every platform, about how hard it isn’t to have a kid, of any age, and women get told they need medicated, when the reality seems to be simply that having a kid is just quite shit. They’re not ‘sick’ or deviant or wrong, they’re just not enjoying the result of the huge pressure society places on them to have a kid. And that’s ok.

(And also, some people do not enjoy being a baby. Being incontinent, not yet verbal, can’t move well, can’t do stuff, must be awful)

Oh OP, I really feel for you. My DS was an easy baby but has become a lot more challenging as he's gotten older. So goodness knows how you feel with it being this way since the start.

A couple of things that might help;

1. definitely keep a diary - when is your DD most agitated? Is it straight after food? Before? At 10am? See if there is any correlation between her worst moments and a particular time in the day. If she has an allergy, or a stimuli she is reacting to, a diary like this could be beneficial. Even if it's just a few notes thrown together on your phone.

2. take a video - as awful as it sounds, taking a video or two of how she is both in her 'good' moments and 'bad' moments might help if you see a GP. Personally I'd be looking to book and appt ASAP and show them the evidence, with a view to show a paediatrician. Reflux (particularly silent) can affect children up to the age of 5, so there is a possibility it's that.

3. look and see if there is a homestart allocation in your area. You could really benefit from having someone come and see you once or twice a week. They don't necessarily get involved with care (eg you couldn't leave them to it for two hours) but having someone who is well versed in child based situations and someone you can talk to sounds like it really could be beneficial to you.

4. lastly, sending you love. I know the depression is probably completely born out of the situation you find yourself in but please don't be afraid to talk to your GP about how low you are feeling. Even if they supply a small dose of antidepressants to get through a tough period, it may be worth having a go with them to see it it helps. But I suspect if your DD was easier, you'd feel a lot happier, so I'd fully appreciate you not feeling the benefit of them vs the cons.

Op, I didn’t want to read and run. I didn’t go through this but a friend’s baby cried, and cried and cried. She had a completely different older child, and so he was a shock. He just gradually got cheerier, and by the time he was a toddler was the most loving and lovely little person. He stayed that way, he is a young adult now.
I do now wonder if he had silent reflux that gradually resolved.
Also as pps are saying, food reactions can cause pain. My younger dd would scream crying if she ate mango. She can eat it now and is fine, but up until she was three or four if she had any she would cry and was obviously in pain as otherwise she was a cheerful baby.

Hang on there op. When things are this hard it feels as though they will never change, but babies are growing and changing all the time and this time will pass.
I hope the GP is helpful.

My DD was the same.

She’s now 11 and is going through testing for Autism. She is clever, friendly, loving and comes home with glowing reports from school and is complimented for her behaviour when we’re out in public.

But she has always been difficult and when she was a baby she screamed and screamed. I wish I’d spoken to our HV and gotten a diagnosis sooner. I have had some truly awful parenting moments and I think a lot of it could have been avoided if I’d known what the source of it all was.

Speak to your HV and your GP.

I’ve been there and it’s incredibly lonely and sad. My second DS was an absolute nightmare, he didn’t sleep for the first few years. He would wake up five times a night, my DH and I were exhausted on the verge of separating. I felt guilty that my first DS was being neglected and I missed spending time with him.

I regretted having my second a lot, he would cry constantly and I just felt the days wasting away watching rubbish tv. I definitely think I ended up with a sofa arse as all I did was sit on the sofa with him. Only time he was silent was on my lap watching anything on TV.

I’d wake up to his cries, go sleep hearing his moans, I dreaded every time he woke up from his nap. I used to dream of just running away and never being found again.

He’s still hard work but it’s better now, all I can advise you is keep persevering and take each day at a time. Try to get a few hours on the weekends by yourself to escape the screams and cries, tell your DH you need this to stay sane.

Lots of chocolate too

I agree with the poster who said women are being told they’re depressed and need medication, when the reality is that parenting is just shit and would make anyone feel miserable.

I was apparently a very high needs baby. I was never diagnosed with any problems, I was just extremely bright and sensitive and wanted constant stimulation. I clung to my mother and refused to sleep for the first few years. My own DS is the same. He whinges constantly and is clingy and doesn’t sleep. It’s exhausting and is the reason I’m only having one child. Unfortunately it’s just a case of toughing it out for a few years.

Definitely go to the GP. This isn’t normal child behaviour. My DS was very grizzly and sleepless at about 18 months. I thought it was just normal toddler grump. It turned out he had cancer. (He’s fine now btw.) Very very unlikely to be the case for your DD but there are other scenarios as PP have suggested. Meanwhile much sympathy for how you’re feeling.

My second (and definitely last following this experience) baby was like this. From birth he cried all the time. Terrible sleeper. And like you I'd do the milestone thing. "Oh colic stops at 3 months...ok maybe when he crawls...surely when he walks..."

He hated being put down. He hated nappy changes. He hated the bath. He hated switching between me and DH.

And I was so miserable. But I was going through a hard time, so not surprising. A friend pushed me to see a GP when he was 13 months old and I was surprised when she said I was severely depressed and referred me to a mental health team. Dh was also diagnosed with (mild) depression.

Anyway said child is going to be 2 next month and life has improved dramatically over, say, the last six months. I'm on antidepressants (which have really helped). We send the kids to nursery the max days we can afford. And DS has just aged and really blossomed into a child rather than a baby. He can understand language pretty well now, and that seems to have been the milestone that really made the difference... and he's actually easier than my daughter now! Never thought I'd say that.

My advice would be to see your GP, and also make a plan with your DH as to how life could be made a little easier (For us this meant nursery, way more regular visits to stay with our parents, and lots of frozen food).

I don't think it's unusual for an 18 month old to cry and panic if they have been left alone downstairs? Perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of how independent babies of this age ought to be?