What do you do if no babysitter?

[ReturnofSaturn]

We have a 19 month old son.

Me and DH are desperate for a night out just me and him.

However we have no one to babysit. The only family I have here is my parents who can't do childcare as my dad is my mums carer - she has dementia.
I have a sister but i just can't ask her right now as she works full time as well as doing a lot for my parents. Plus her work is usually evening hours too ( casino)

So my question is, what do other people do in this situation? Just never go out? Pay a stranger to babysit? (I really struggle with the idea of a stranger in our house with our baby while we are out)

I'm not really looking for a solution here, just wondering what other people do?

I use sitters.com. Before the baby came I scouted people out on the internet including childminders. But you'll have to remember if its not friends and family it wl have to be a stranger. Also if you live in London there maybe an overnight nursery you could use.

DH and I do things like meet for lunch during the week or have dd attend the parents night out sessions at places she is taking rec classes. Neither of those gives us much flexibility, but it does give us time.

by all these people professing not to have been out alone in years with their spouses. Is this the norm? How do you actually maintain a semblance of a relationship?
Because they go to sleep earlier than us, becuase DS was in his own room at 6 months. Because family time is still time spent together.
We've had a few hours out recently with MIL having him and a few full days with Respite care but we have twins coming in Dec and so I can't see us being child free for years as I can't e anyone having all of them

Am desperate to go out with DH but no chance here either. DS(5) is usually awake till 9 pm and DD (3) till after 8. The younger one would scream at being left with anyone other than me to go to bed and the older one would run rings round a sitter. 9.30 pm seems too late to go out for dinner with DH. Do all of you who use babysitters have these fabled children who are in bed by 7.30?

When DC1 and DC2 were very small we used nursery staff, but then they got a bit unreliable (they were great when they were here, but they often had to cancel at short notice) and we started using sitters.com (by the time DC3 arrived we were only using Sitters) - to begin with we used to get the same couple of sitters a lot so they weren't really strangers after a few times.

We didn't go out much in the first couple of years each time, though - barely at all until 18 months-ish, then started building it up over the next year or so, then we'd have another baby and be back to square one.

Now DC1 is very comfortably into teens (not sure how we all got to be this old as I swear he was a toddler just a couple of years ago) so we only need sitters when he's not going to be around.

Babysitter from Sitters is quite capable of putting my children to bed. Kind had a great time with her the last time we booked one. Plus the more your children get used to being looked after by another person, the easier they will find it.

We didn't go out in the evening on our own for years. When DC started school, we would meet for a sneaky lunch.

by all these people professing not to have been out alone in years with their spouses. Is this the norm? How do you actually maintain a semblance of a relationship?
By spending time as a family. You just make it what it is, we’ve been to concerts, shows, dinner out we just all go. It’s nice.

We didn’t have neighbours / family / friends or nursery staff to baby sit. So we didn’t have a choice, the likes of sitters was in its infancy / didn’t exist.

@FraterculaArctica No, mine were never early to bed dc. Mine used to love it when a babysitter came - they soon caught on that the person would be more 'persuadable' than either of us to that '10mins more / extra story / play a game with them / etc etc

the more your children get used to being looked after by another person, the easier they will find it

I'd agree with this ^ too

@FraterculaArctica lunch dates!

My friend set up a baby sitting circle. There were about 12 local families who were known to at least one other family and we would take it in turns to be ‘the booker’ for the month. Each hour you babysat you earned a point, which you could then spend when you needed a sitter.
Anyway that was in the olden day’s but it looks like there’s an app for it now sitsterapp.com/category/sitster/

We never go out. I can't justify the cost or hassle.

I have a circle with a few other mum friends. We all live close and our kids all know each other. Works really well and it's free.
I also have a couple of local teens who were recommended andxare great. Everyone is a stranger to start but you can invite them over to get to know the kids first.
Ask for recommendations on local Facebook groups.

I think the idea of a babysitting circle is great but you need to have a few families who are all in the same boat. When I tentatively suggested it with a few of the kids school friends parents, none of them were interested as they had grandparents who were more than happy to babysit.

I am eyeing up the neighbour's teenage daughters, counting down the days until they'd be old enough to ask.

I never needed a sitter as I had family support, but have sat for friends without families locally. I have always enjoyed these evenings with a remote control and no one else to consider what I watch

I think phrasing it as "paying a stranger" is a judgmental and slightly dramatic.

You can find a babysitter through your network or sitter.co.uk and get to know the person before deciding if you trust them with your baby for a few hours. Obviously you'd get references and check their experience and CRB as well.

My family live a 4 hour flight away. My MIL died 3 weeks before my second DD was born. My FIL can have the girls for a few hours during the day but not for too long in the evening as they just won't sleep and the 2 year old gets too upset. It's been difficult as my husband and I rarely have time out together. For now we just do things like go to a movie during the day on the occasional weekend, or take turns to go out with friends. As the children are getting older I think it will be easier to leave them with a friend, but as most of my friends have young children also, it's not a small request.

When my kids were little we lived overseas and never had family on hand to babysit. I used: neighbourhood kids. The employment service at the local high school (brilliant American thing). Recommendations from friends/neighbours/colleagues. Nanny agencies. Hotel babysitters. Babysitting circles. There are many ways. I wasn’t going to give up amazing going-out opportunities while travelling.

Are some of you quite old? I just can’t imagine never going out. (Or taking a nine-year-old 😂) Although now I am old, staying in does have more appeal. And I love the PP saying they will be able to go out when their kids are teenagers!! You don’t trust strangers but you will trust unknown teenagers in your house? Make sure you come back and tell us how that went for you.

We waited.

@LoreleiRock I guess you could say I am. I am about to turn 36 and have a 4 year old and 2 year old. So I got a lot of my partying out of my system before marrying and having children. I am quite happy not going out much while the children are young because I don't really feel like I am missing much.

We enjoy having a takeaway and movie night, we both go to the gym (alternate days) and are mostly content staying in, reading, watching TV, playing board games etc. I don't see it staying like this forever, I am sure we will have more freedom as the little ones grow up.

Oh bloody hell. 35? Nope. Not old.

We do have grandparents who are can babysit but they are an hours drive away and not always free hence paying a babysitter sometimes.
After reading some of the posts on here I’m glad my children ate growing up confident and secure enough to be left with a babysitter. They love it when she comes and me and my husband get to attend events/go out and maintain our own lives.

Didn’t go out until I was confident the DC would sleep for a good chunk of the evening (all breastfed so not easily settled at night by anyone else). Then used local teenagers who we knew from church (family of 6!) they were fab as confident and local so could walk to and from ours.

We have had three nights away in 15yrs. MiL can look after them all now that youngest is 6. But my oldest is nearly at the age where I would let her babysit for a couple of hours in the evening. Only for her siblings not for anyone else yet.