My daughter has cheated and I'm being made to feel guilty

[dalmatianmad]

It's been such a rubbish weekend. My first one off in ages and was looking forward to family time.

My daughter has been with her partner for almost 1 year. He's lovely, his family are decent. She has just about moved into his family home.
We invited them both round yesterday for dinner and there was a horrible atmosphere.
Turns out she had a ONS with someone earlier in the year and has told him last week because she can't live with the guilt.
They have fallen out, he's forgiven her and they are giving it a go.
We were told yesterday.

My DP who is not my DC's dad has been having a go at me saying I should do something about it and how could I sit through dinner and act normal after what we were just told.
What the actual fuck does he want me to do? I'm really disappointed in her, thought I'd bought her up better etc, but...

She's an adult. What am I supposed to do or say to make things right??
I will support them both. She's done wrong and he's devastated.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do??

None of your partner's business.

This is not down to you or your responsibility.

She's young.

Three months into a relationship! FFS

Things need to lighten up.

Sounds like she's moved in quite quickly.

Stop feeling guilty and ask her to tell you this stuff, if she must in private.

OP, sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Mind yourself 💐

@Nearlyalmost50 I totally agree with what you said

Oh fgs! They've not even been together a year and this happened a while ago. Were they even serious at that point. It's not ideal or wonderful behaviour of course it isn't but it's not the end of the world. I think everyone not directly involved needs to get a grip tbh. I'm sure her DP has his own family and friends he can talk to so I see no need for you to be a shoulder to cry on for him. I'd be asking my dd if she was happy and if she actually wanted to talk to me about rather than being shamed into it by a "tearful" boyfriend. Ultimately, with no children involved and this not being a long relationship or marriage I'd stay right out of it and if pushed I would be on my daughter's side and tell my DP to back off.

Exactly this!
I'd certainly not be losing any sleep over this, op. They'll either resolve it and stay together, or decide to split up. Either is ok and both parties will move onto new relationships in due course if they do split up.
You don't have any particular role to play in their drama, other to let your daughter know that she doesn't need to stay in a relationship if she doesn't want to, and can always live with you if she needs a home.
Your issue is dealing with your partner and helping him to get a better, and less judgemental, perspective on the situation.

Just be friendly and supportive until the relation ends. They’re young, and she cheated when they’d only been together a few months. This relationship will probably die out before too long and you’ll all move on

*relationship

So she had a ONS early into a relationship with a man she still doesn’t even live with, in fact they both live with their parents still?

No, having had an ONS early into a relationship is not ideal. But it certainly doesn’t add up to the boyfriend “having the right to know what kind of person she is.” I’d say it’s far more likely that the relationship has already gone further than it should have, that after three months she probably didn’t even really think of it as a relationship.

And life is never black and white. One of the reasons why so many people don’t tell their parents things is because they don’t need the disapproval. But I bet everyone here has done something at some point which parents wouldn’t have approved of and would be saying “I didn’t think I’d brought you up like that...”

The way people obsess over any kind of indiscretion which involves having been unfaithful in any way is bizarre. Anyone would think that it was akin to murder.

And of course there’s a difference between having an affair within a marriage where there are children in the equation and having a ONS very early into a relationship with someone who doesn’t even feature yet on the radar for the future.

Absolutely nothing to do with you; your daughter's an adult at the end of the day, doesn't live at home (from what you've said) and absolutely knows she made a mistake...

... who told you about the ONS, though? Your daughter? Or the boyfriend who seemed "a bit tearful"? If he's forgiven her... why be "a bit tearful" at all? Might he, perhaps, know your partner's stance on things and have been seeking to further punish your daughter by turning your partner/you against her, as well?

He has his own family. Let them hug him and tell him it'll be okay (even though, if a ONS happened at any point in the relationship, be it one month, one year, one decade, one quart-century into it, it's not great...). Your daughter is your priority, not her boyfriend of a year.

When they're young, relationships come and go, ebb and flow... Be there for your daughter, OP, not the boyfriend. Because if I were you? I'd be finding him being tearful, a week later, when you're there more than a little worrying...

I wouldn't be surprised if your DD's partner turned out to be a passive-aggressive professional victim (which, hopefully he might grow out of in the future.) Make sure she knows that you are there for her, do not whine or scold her about 'infidelity'. At her age and with that sort of situation it is normal and no big deal. If the boyfriend has engineered this public shaming of her then he is a cock, and you need to have your DD's back and let him sort himself out. Make sure she knows it's fine to dump him if she's fed up with him. And don't project crap about how 'immoral' affairs are onto a young girl who's just dating: at her age she would be a lot better off rejecting monogamy and keeping her sex life casual anyway.
And point out to your DP that it is not his business, and that any attempt on his part to interfere, scold your DD or suggest 'punishments' for her will not be acceptable.

I think everyone not directly involved needs to get a grip tbh

Exactly. She has had a ONS, not stabbed a baby.

My DP has mental health problems, was sectioned last year and can become really unwell quite quickly, hes on lots of anti psychotic meds, we often have to "tread gently" with him. He doesn't seen to process things like a normal person.

Is this affecting you, or your daughter, or your relationship with him or your daughter in a negative way? Because I strongly feel that someones mental health problems ahouldn't negatively effect their partners life or childrens lives unless they absolutely want that and have an informed choice to choose so. I say that as someone suffering from depression. His mental health problems are exactly that: his problems, not yours or your daughters.

If she's young, I'd be encouraging her to spread her wings a bit more and not to settle down at such a young age, especially as she's still clearly interested in some of the other fish in the sea.
I certainly wouldn't feel embarrassed or responsible in any way. It's her life.

I really don't like the sound of her boyfriend. All this upset and washing of laundry in public is very shaming and humiliating.

I wouldn't be happy if it was my DD.

I would be asking her to have a good think and perhaps move on.

The crying at the table. Yuck!

Crying at the table seems to be incredibly manipulative on his part. I’m wondering if he did this because he hoped that her family (and especially your DP) would judge her and she would feel isolated because of what she had done.

@alternative
Exactly.

I think he should go home to his own family for a cry and leave the OP's daughter the privacy with her mother!

If he felt he couldn't contain himself, he should have stayed at home.