My daughter has cheated and I'm being made to feel guilty

[dalmatianmad]

It's been such a rubbish weekend. My first one off in ages and was looking forward to family time.

My daughter has been with her partner for almost 1 year. He's lovely, his family are decent. She has just about moved into his family home.
We invited them both round yesterday for dinner and there was a horrible atmosphere.
Turns out she had a ONS with someone earlier in the year and has told him last week because she can't live with the guilt.
They have fallen out, he's forgiven her and they are giving it a go.
We were told yesterday.

My DP who is not my DC's dad has been having a go at me saying I should do something about it and how could I sit through dinner and act normal after what we were just told.
What the actual fuck does he want me to do? I'm really disappointed in her, thought I'd bought her up better etc, but...

She's an adult. What am I supposed to do or say to make things right??
I will support them both. She's done wrong and he's devastated.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do??

You're not supposed to do anything apart from listen and offer support where possible.
If your DP is anything like mine, his idea that you are supposed to do anything, is him just being very anxious about it and wanting you to magic it away. My dp would catastrophise about all worst case scenarios possible and expect me to just 'fix it' so he doesnt have to deal with it.

Also- your partner sounds quite unpleasant to your dd. I wouldn't allow that. Sounds like you all tread on eggshells around him because of his illness. I'm far more worried about that than your dd's minor transgression early on in a fledgling relationship.

I would wonder if she had the ONS early in the relationship because she felt quite ambivalent about her boyfriend and half wanted to be found out or feel some freedom, and again told him because she actually at least half wants to get out of the relationship - is he quite needy and clingy?

If she's young could she have been swept along too quickly into spending so much time with him at his parents?

Is she perhaps staying at his parents more to keep out of your highly sensitive DP's way than because she actually loves her boyfriend?

Yes, I am projecting btw, as I did pretty much that almost 30 years ago - got together very quickly with a boyfriend who looked perfect for me "on paper" and quickly started spending almost all my free time with him, met his parents and he met mine, spent more nights together than apart (at uni in first year halls though, not at his parents), stayed in university town together in the holidays (because there were no jobs in parental home area, and poor public transport there) etc but really just got swept away by him thinking he loved me etc and it didn't initially really seem an option not to go along with it - really I liked him and enjoyed his company but didn't love him, I didn't really know what the difference was. I started feeling a bit smothered quite early but thought it was a problem with me - cheated on him, admitted it immediately, he immediately forgave me - really should have broken up immediately but it seemed in my mind at the time as though that was worse because he didn't want to split up, no idea why...

Finally split up a year later, really shouldn't have dragged on so long but it honestly wasn't clear to me at 18 that hurting his feelings by breaking up was the right thing, because we should have been perfect for one another...

Being there for both of them is nice but he has his family, your DD is your priority even if you judge her morally.

Perhaps instead of focussing on the ONS try to encourage her to spend more time at home and focus on other friends and her studies or job for a bit. She might really need space from this relationship, especially as she's in his family space all the time atm.

I'm another poster who feels that your partner is more of an issue than your DD. The youngsters will sort it out .

Why did she tell him? And why on earth did she tell you?

It's a lot of drama for a 1 year into a relationship. If I was him I'd run! Given he has chosen not to I don't understand why she is sharing it like its news, it should be kept private. It's between them and their business only. You sound way too over invested, there is nothing you are meant to do apart from keep out of their private life.

Oh fgs! They've not even been together a year and this happened a while ago. Were they even serious at that point. It's not ideal or wonderful behaviour of course it isn't but it's not the end of the world. I think everyone not directly involved needs to get a grip tbh. I'm sure her DP has his own family and friends he can talk to so I see no need for you to be a shoulder to cry on for him. I'd be asking my dd if she was happy and if she actually wanted to talk to me about rather than being shamed into it by a "tearful" boyfriend. Ultimately, with no children involved and this not being a long relationship or marriage I'd stay right out of it and if pushed I would be on my daughter's side and tell my DP to back off.

You've done absolutely the wisest thing - try not to judge, try to be supportive to both of them as a couple (however you feel about it personally), and try to listen and sympathise rather than offering advice or taking sides. Your partner's suggestion is really off the wall: it's not going to help anyone. I would be asking him privately why he felt so insecure about this that he needed to have the moral law laid down as some kind of family spectacle.

The fact that they felt able to tell you shows that you're already doing something. You are an open and supportive parent (to both of them).

HRTFT but I never understand why a boyfriend of less than a year is referred to as 'a partner'. If she's having ONSs so quickly into the relationship it would be better if they split up, TBH.

She's young, and obviously not ready to settle down.

I think the fact you are referring to what is probably an 18 year olds relationship as a "partner" is throwing people, it sounds like you are talking about two 30 year olds in the first post. They sound young from your further updates, don't be so over invested.

Well yes your daughters moral compass is some what lacking and if she’s dropping her knickers for a one night stand after just a year this relationship is going nowhere!

However you are not to blame for your adult daughters actions, her and her alone is to blame 🤷🏻‍♀️

Youngsters make mistakes. Is your DD's boyfriend her first serious relationship? It can take time for young people to 'settle' into monogamy and they may not be a lasting couple. All you can do is be there if anyone needs to talk.

Your DP on the other hand sounds like a bit of a challenge to have around. Your DD, he should keep his mouth shut on the subject. I understand that poor MH is probably contributing and he's allowed an opinion, but it really is between DD and her partner to sort. He should butt out and stop 'telling you' what you should be doing.

Is he generally a bit like this?

TBF She is young and she made mostake. She is "owning it" and you can be proud of that. Reality tv is not exactly setting a great example but she knows she did wrong. I do agree with other pps that maybe she wants some freedom. Is there any chance she could be a bit trapped in this relationship? Maybe she wants out but is afraid? Either way, his isn't your fault and there was nothing you could have done during dinner.

OP have you actually asked your DP what he expects you to do? Like sit him down with a pen and paper and say "OK genius what do you think I should do, you tell me and I will do it" Does he have a habit of expecting you to solve all problems, including his?

What your DD did is not great, but also not the end of the world, a young couple in first few months together and she cheated, not ideal. But she did the right things, changed jobs so not to be in contact with the other man, has confessed to her boyfriend and he has decided to try to heal and move forward together. I would be concerned that he was all weepy at your family meal and it all came tumbling out, do you think it was genuine or was he trying to shame her in front of her family, was this his way of punishing her a bit do you think? I would just keep an eye on that and maybe say to your DD that she does not have to stay with him if he continues that line of behaviour, she does not need to be grateful for forgiveness if he uses the fact she cheated to keep knocking her down or as a means of keeping her in "her place".

Just be there to support her, don’t dis her for her wrong doing, she needs your support and would probably like to talk about it, but she doesn’t know how.

Don't let DP make you feel guilty about your "lack of action"

Your DD is an adult and you should not be doing anything at all about it.

You should be proud of your DD for being honest and being responsible for her actions. Personal responsibility is something that takes people a long time to learn, and some never learn it at all. She made a mistake, yes, but every single person on this earth makes a mistake of some description in their life.

There is nothing you need to "do" aside from be there for her. Allow her the space and time to open up to you, and perhaps gently explore whether she feels this is really the right relationship for her.

I am concerned about your DP's reaction. What does he honestly expect you to do. I am also worried that you all feel that you have to "tread gently" around him. Illness or not, that is no way for you to live.

Presume your Dd is relatively young as you have other school age dc.
Spend some time with her alone, so she can talk freely.

Your DP is a different problem. Ate his meds ok, does he need extra support / counselling.
You’ve got a lot on your plate. Hope you get some rest OP.

Too late now, but why on earth did she tell him? It's done and over and all she has achieved by her 'honesty' is to make herself feel less guilty and to spread the pain to her partner

This ^

It has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with making herself feel better. It was a selfish act - not a contrite one.

All she has done is hurt this boy deeply, destroyed his trust in her (I doubt it will ever truly recover). Every time she is out with her mates, he is going to be torn to pieces wondering if she is shagging someone else.

And what if he feels so upset that he does the same? Will she feel that that is okay?

No-one knows what motivated her - drink, lust, boredom, idiocy - but she has broken her relationship and even if repaired, there will always be that tiny crack in it. She has been very, very stupid indeed, but it is NOT your responsibility.

As you so rightly say, she is an adult, makes her own decisions and has to accept the consequences. You can't tell her what she should or shouldn't do, and even if you could, it's too late now.

Hopefully she will never behave like this again and their relationship will stay solid - but it will be hard for her partner to trust her fully again.

Your partner is BU. Has he been cheated on in the past and perhaps projecting? I had issues with superficial "acting normal" at my ILs' and family's table after my ex's affair, but we'd been together 20 years. This is not even an especially long-term boyfriend. I'd be worried that your daughter is trying to be too well-behaved and acting as if she is basically married and forced to stay with him. I'd be reminding her that there's nothing wrong with short flings at that age and she doesn't have to stay with him!

Thank goodness you're here, Anothernotherone; I really thought I'd be alone in believing this whole "partners" thing - often used very quickly - really doesn't help. You even get teenagers with a boyfriend of a few weeks who declare themselves no longer "single", which to me is a bit overblown

Certainly this DD could have handled things better, and hopefully she'll learn from it, but it boils down to a young lass finding her way and coming to know what's going to work for her in the long run. Offering guidance and a listening ear is great, but does there really need to be all this drama and family-wide angst over it?

And yes, I'm an old gimmer too ... but no doubt that was obvious

I don't understand what he expects you to do about it, she isn't a child that you reprimand, her and her dp need to figure this one out themselves

So she was seeing her boyfriend for 3 months? and had a ons with someone else? So what? They weren’t ‘partners’ no kids, no ring, not living together.

It’s not the most considerate behaviour but it’s really not a huge deal??

I'd agree with asking your DP precisely what he thinks you should have done, with a full rationale about how that would help the situation. Yes, you could have spent the meal yelling at your daughter, or thrown her out; however, in circumstances where her partner isn't behaving that way any reaction like that would be utterly ridiculous and would risk driving them both away for ever. All you can do is to make it clear to her that her conduct was unacceptable but that you will support them both in getting through this, however it is finally resolved.

I don't think it's is anything you can do other than be there for advice and support. Your daughter made a mistake which she clearly regrets. Her partner has decided to forgive her. Obviously having only known about it for a week himself is going to be quit raw and things will be awkward between them for a while.
As your partner is struggling to cope with the news, maybe try and involve him as little as possible in this situation? Explain that yes, your daughter made a mistake but it is their decision to continue the relationship and you, as parents, need to suppprt that decision as a couple and not judge as it will only cause more tension.
Hope all works out well for you and your family 💐