Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My daughter has cheated and I'm being made to feel guilty

89 replies

dalmatianmad · 16/09/2019 08:39

It's been such a rubbish weekend. My first one off in ages and was looking forward to family time.

My daughter has been with her partner for almost 1 year. He's lovely, his family are decent. She has just about moved into his family home.
We invited them both round yesterday for dinner and there was a horrible atmosphere.
Turns out she had a ONS with someone earlier in the year and has told him last week because she can't live with the guilt.
They have fallen out, he's forgiven her and they are giving it a go.
We were told yesterday.

My DP who is not my DC's dad has been having a go at me saying I should do something about it and how could I sit through dinner and act normal after what we were just told.
What the actual fuck does he want me to do? I'm really disappointed in her, thought I'd bought her up better etc, but...

She's an adult. What am I supposed to do or say to make things right??
I will support them both. She's done wrong and he's devastated.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do??

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 16/09/2019 11:00

Seems to me that your dd has made two mistakes. One was the ONS and the second was discussing it with her family!! What on earth was she (or her and her oartner) thinking of!!

Just keep out of it

nonmerci · 16/09/2019 11:03

Nothing you can do, she’s an adult who makes her own decisions in life. It’s not your fault she did this, the only one at fault is her.

user1493494961 · 16/09/2019 11:03

Did she tell him because she wants out of the relationship. If they're both very young, maybe she wants to spread her wings a bit. Don't take her boyfriend's side in this, I can't see how it was 'appalling behaviour' when she'd probably only know him a matter of weeks. I think your problems with your DP need their own thread.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

VeniceBeach · 16/09/2019 11:04

I wonder if the odd modern convention of calling your boyfriend/ girlfriend your "partner" isn't creating problems and making everything sound more serious than it is.

Yes to this! They’re young and they’ve been together less than a year, they’re boyfriend and girlfriend

Bouffalant · 16/09/2019 11:07

What on earth is your DP expecting you to "do" about it?

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2019 11:10

oh fgs why do people get so worked up about relationship "titles" bloody hell, yes it's probably worse if you have kids are married etc etc. But seeing someone for a year and finding out that they slept with someone else 3 months in is still pretty shit not to mention dangerous from a health point of view depending on whether condoms were used. Why are people trying minimise it? No I don't think it's the OPs place to reprimand her adult daughter but it was still a shitty thing to do

FizzyGreenWater · 16/09/2019 11:11

Not sure why most of the discussion on here is focused on what the DD did.

That really isn't the issue here. In a nutshell, it's nothing the OP can do anything about and it isn't any of her business.

The problem is your DP. It does rather sound like 'doesn't process things like a normal person' = 'is a complete twat'. Mental health issues do not mean that you get to act like an unhelpful knob and not get pulled up on it.

You need to sit him down and tell him very directly that

a. he wants to discuss something, that's fine - he wants to have a go at you - not fine;

b. he doesn't get to decide what your appropriate response is to something, or that you should be doing x because HE thinks you should do it. He has an issue with sitting at the table with your DD after what she has done? Fine, he leaves the table. Or HE has a word with her and tries to 'do something about it'. But he doesn't get to sit and say nothing then attack you for not being his mouthpiece.

c. This is something which really isn't your business. As you said, she's an adult. He doesn't have to like what she's done, he has every right to make that clear to her, but 'do something'? As pp have said, sit down with a pen and paper and ask him to tell you exactly what you should do in order to police another adult's private life. The silence will no doubt be deafening.

Kaddm · 16/09/2019 11:13

Does your dp think you have a time machine and can reverse what happened. I’d get rid of him and let your dd and her partner decide what they do with their own lives.

YouJustDoYou · 16/09/2019 11:15

Your "d"p sounds like a total twat. And deadweight.

diddl · 16/09/2019 11:15

Why now I wonder?

Has the other guy threatened to say something, was she hoping that it would make her boyfriend leave her?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/09/2019 11:21

What does DP expect you to do? Send her to bed without any pudding?

She’s a grown woman and he’s a twonk.

Chalfontstgiles · 16/09/2019 11:27

In your position I wouldn't feel bad a thing at all. This has nothing to do with your upbringing of your DD your partner or indeed anybody else. She's an adult, her choices her life. You should emotionally speaking back right off and be a warm loving mum through life's ups and downs. But it is her life. I wouldn't even judge her too hard without the much knowledge of the ins and outs. Anyway, she came clean and is trying to make amends.

Toastymash · 16/09/2019 11:31

You are right, there is nothing you can do. I understand why you're disappointed in her and it's a shame that this has happened but she is an adult and it's none of your business. It would be inappropriate to get involved.

If your husband is so bothered then let him say something. It would be overstepping on his part but that's his own mistake to make.

WonderWomansSpin · 16/09/2019 11:33

If your DP's MH issues include paranoia and anxiety then he may think you knew about the cheating before this weekend and that it reflects on your attitude to relationships ie he's worried you'd have a ONS. His MH issues could be causing him to catastrophise. All you can do is reassure him that isn't the case.
tbh I would also be having a word with your DD about how much information she shares with you both taking into account your DP's health issues.

Anothernotherone · 16/09/2019 11:34

AryaStarkWolf of course it's worse if you have children/ a joint mortgage and finances/ have been together 20 years/ are married/ share a rental flat which is home to both of you (in that order IMO).

These are just a very young boyfriend and girlfriend couple who spend a lot of nights at the lad's parents house.

They aren't "partners" in any meaningful sense, unless the word "partner" has lost pretty much all meaning.

It's shitty to cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend when you're a teenager but meh - you're meant to have shitty break ups at that age, and if you cheat 3 months in its probably best to break up - not a sign that boyfriend/ girlfriend is your "partner" whom your mother should side with (or be a parent to, as one poster implied) nor that your mother should "support your relationship".

Odds are that your mother should be supporting you to spend more time away from the relationship and think about whether trying to stay with this boyfriend is really what she wants. Being at his parents house all the time sounds quite suffocating.

As others say the OP's DP's intensity and the need to "tread carefully" around him are likely to be the reason the DD is staying with her boyfriend's family so much. She might have split up with him months ago if she could go home without having to tread carefully around her mum's partner (I'm assuming that the OP's relationship is a long one and he really is a partner not a "partner" of 11 months standing given the background on supporting him through a mental health crisis last year...)

Words matter, because they change the meaning of everything (obviously) though I appreciate it's now becoming perfectly normal to refer to the guy you (generic you) pulled last Saturday, still liked and had brunch with the morning after and are have arranged to go to the pub with on Friday as your (generic) partner... It strips the word partner of most of its original meaning though...

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2019 11:40

AryaStarkWolf of course it's worse if you have children/ a joint mortgage and finances/ have been together 20 years/ are married/ share a rental flat which is home to both of you (in that order IMO).

I mean I literally said that but ok............ for the record, I am married with kids, I just think this "relationship hierarchy" is snotty and belittling

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2019 11:42

and the OP never said her daughter was a teenager (unless I missed that)

MulticolourMophead · 16/09/2019 11:43

OP, I agree your main focus is your DP. Treading on eggshells is no way to live. I left an ex who had depression. The depression did not stop him from being a controlling arsehole, he used it as a stick to beat me with, any minor thing I did that he didn't like was heavily criticised.

As far as your DD goes, her ONS might actually be a symptom rather than the cause of issues in her relationship.

It's only been a year, she cheated at an early stage. I'd be sitting down with her and having a good talk about if the relationship is right for her. On paper, her BF might look perfect, and she might be feeling like she has to stay, because she doesn't want to hurt him. But she's young and can learn from this.

GabsAlot · 16/09/2019 11:53

Your dp is a twat shes come clean its their business to sort out-what does he want you to do ground her

Aaarrgghhh · 16/09/2019 12:00

Another that is more concerned about your partner than the one night stand very early into the relationship. He sounds like an arsehole, mental health doesn’t excuse that. It may be a reason but I wouldn’t put that above my kid I don’t think. It depends on how bad it is with him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2019 12:04

This sounds like a lot of drama for a ons, which happened a few months into a relationship between young adults - maybe late teens at the time.

When I was 20 my ex told me he’d been unfaithful a couple of months into the relationship. By this stage we’d been together around a year. This revelation upset me but ultimately made me realise something was wrong. I ended up feeling less like a couple, meeting dh, liked him and decided to finish with the ex. We were living in different places at the time so this obviously helped. On paper he was lovely, just not the right person for me. Had he not been unfaithful I may have stayed with him for longer at least. No way would I have told the parents.

I also don’t get this dating, in a relationship, partner hierarchy.

BrendasUmbrella · 16/09/2019 12:04

It's not like it's a long relationship with marriage or children, it's all entirely their business. Do you even know him particularly well?

I find it quite strange that they felt the need to inform you, and then came over for him to be tearful in your house. When my ex BF cheated, we didn't include family in it. It's up to you but I would not agree with the pp who said you should give him a big hug and telling him you are there for him. That's not your role. Presumably he has family or friends to support him, and if he doesn't that's a whole other issue.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2019 12:05

Oh and I forgot to say about your partner. Sweet fa to do with him. Don’t be disappointed in your dd. She doesn’t need this from her mum.

Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 12:07

@FindusCrispyPancakes the boyfriend deserved to know what kind of person he was with and to decide whether or not to stay with her.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2019 12:08

Oh and I forgot to say about your partner. Sweet fa to do with him. Don’t be disappointed in your dd. She doesn’t need this from her mum.

Yeah, I mean what did he think she should do? odd. The way she handled it was absolutely fine

Flip

1 2 3 4