I am not coping with my toddler

[AgentCooper]

DS is a few weeks away from turning two. He is very volatile.

He throws things constantly. Sometimes if i’ve put a plate of grapes out for him after he’s decided he’s finished he just picks it up and chucks it. He does this in his highchair at dinner too. I tell him that when he’s finished he just needs to say all done and that throwing things can hurt people but to no avail. A friend told him off at soft play recently because his water bottle narrowly missed her child’s head.

At other people’s houses, cafes, he sweeps everything off tables. At home I make sure there’s nothing in reach so he can’t do this and again tell him not to do it because it makes a mess and it’s not nice.

He bites and scratches me and DH when he doesn’t get what he wants, eg if I need to take him upstairs to get him into his pyjamas and he doesn’t want to go. Usually he will soften up with me because I repeat ‘gentle hands,’ ‘don’t hurt mummy’ and stay calm. With DH he just gets worse because he shouts and reacts really loudly.

He was told off in the supermarket recently because he kept knocking over the battery recycling box, no matter how many times I stopped him. I was trying to pay and pack my shopping, holding him by the arm but he got free and did it again.

This evening DH noticed a scratch on the tv screen and was furious as DS has obviously done it with a car. Whenever he runs his cars across the telly, I move him away, distract him, but it’s obviously happened when i’ve been in the kitchen. DH goes to his parents’ on Sundays so it definitely happened on my watch.

Everything i’ve read says time out/naughty step are no use for a child so young because he won’t understand and that explaining why what he’s doing is wrong, distracting, removing him from the situation, ‘Time In’ with lots of cuddles and attention are more effective. I do all this. And DH is saying we need to start disciplining him because my way obviously isn’t working.

He is the definition of a high needs child - really sensitive, clingy, emotional, high energy, takes ages to get used to people, still not sleeping through. But i’m starting to wonder if there are actual additional needs there. What do I do? I’m just exhausted and miserable. Who do I talk to?

Phone your health visitor. Let them know all your concerns. She can refer you in various directions and give you some support.
Don't minimise though, tell her you're struggling and not coping otherwise they may fob you off with a phone chat.

I’m sorry you’re struggling all toddlers are hard work and lovely as I’m sure he is also he does sound tough! He’s too young to realistically be assessed for SEN so all you can do really is put measures into place to make your life easier. Keep him on toddler reigns (or those rucksacks with a ‘lead’) so he can’t dash off and destroy things. Really babyproof your house including getting things like the TV out of reach (you can get screen protectors like massive phone ones if needed!). I think you’re doing a great job staying calm and repeating key phrases eg ‘gentle hands’. Some toddlers do go through quite violent stages it’s no reflection on you.

I understand by the way, my DSs were a real handful at that age. Some kids are just more wilful and wild. It's not anything you are doing wrong.

Yes as above contact your HV for support. I don’t think your DS is doing anything massively out of the ordinary but that doesn’t mean it isn’t bloody hard going sometimes.
Throwing- does he have plenty of opportunities to throw “safely”? E.g balls in the garden, bean bags inside- could just be he’s working through a schema.

Why is your dh going to his parents every Sunday? Why isn’t he helping? I have two kids with Sen and it’s exhausting watching them all the time. We ended up moving anything breakable, plastic plates etc. We didn’t limit child interaction but a park or open space was easier and I ended up a helicopter parent. Like above speak to your hv.

Thank you everyone I had been thinking about phoning the HV but I felt embarrassed, like contacting them to say you can’t control your toddler isn’t something people do. I’m lucky in that she is a very kind, understanding woman who has never come over as judging me.

Napqueen he went ballistic on the occasions I put him in reins before but as he’s a bit older now i’ll give it another go. They would certainly make going to the shops easier!

Creature that’s a great idea re: throwing things safely. When I think about it he doesn’t really get the chance to do that.

Alwaysgrey DH’s parents are elderly and live 40 mins away so he’s over there doing their shopping, fixing things in the house etc. I feel a bit resentful because he’s one of five but it’s only him and his sister who bother. It means i’ve got DS on my own all day Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and then - mercifully- I work Wednesday to Friday. It sounds like your DCs have a brilliant mum, by the way.

Can you do your shopping online?? I sometimes (if I'm feeling brave), strap my daughter in to a trolley to do a small amount of food shopping but get the majority delivered. People think the discount supermarkets are cheaper but if you go on Tesco or Sainsbury's online you can sort your search results low-high price to see their cheapest options first and they're often the same price as Aldi or Lidl. Tesco also do flexi-saver delivery slots which are much cheaper (£1.50 lowest, depending on time/day).

Don't be afraid to speak to your HV. I asked for help when dd wouldn't stop hitting me (with hands and objects). She was around 2 years old when she started doing it. It is typical toddler behaviour but that doesn't mean we're all adequately prepared to deal with such behaviour day in day out!

I think definitely contact your HV. Can I also ask if you watched the programme about training your baby like a dog that was on recently? I say this not to offend, but there was a couple on that and when they watched video back of how the interacted with their ds, they realised they werent talking to him on his level, and more than just kneeling down. It's hard to explain, but could it be that he's very frustrated and finds communicating hard so he lashes out?

Get dh to do his parents an online shop
Surely they can’t have weekly diy needing doing ?
He needs to cut back to say once a month and help you
Can his parents afford to pay for some help a cleaner ?

No help op but I feel your pain!

I have a very wilful child (he is slightly older than yours at 2.5) and I'm sorry to be blunt but all that mild and meek "gentle hands" stuff just doesn't cut it. I have to tell him a clear no and tell him we don't throw/hit/etc. I do also explain why (hitting hurts). There is a middle ground between being permissive and losing your temper. I have found the "positive parenting" approach most helpful, this website for example: www.ahaparenting.com and the book "How to talk so your little kids will listen" by Joanna Faber.

It's really important that you and DH are both on the same page so you can be consistent and support each other rather than fighting (which makes the whole thing more stressful). Just keep talking to each other. If you read parenting books/websites that resonate with you, make him read them too.

DH and I had similar struggles but he has never disappeared off every Sunday! (He actually works 4 days a week so he can look after DS 1 day a week while I'm working - this obviously helps hugely.)

That's obviously a separate issue (one for Relationships rather than Parenting) but it's a huge one and I think you need to tackle it - you can't really parent DS as a team if he's only doing the parenting with you one full day a week and leaving you to solo parent much of the time.

I had many an anguished post about my ds when he was the same age as yours. He threw things all the time, and nothing I could do or say would stop him. Also if he got in mind that he had to do something only removal of either him from the situation would work, he would just keep on trying. He was a bolter too and often tried to be violent at toddler groups, I had to watch him like a hawk.

He did grow out of it. Also realised that he suffered from a lot of ear infections that were causing him pain, often he would be particularly badly behaved and then he would turn out to be ill. Learning to talk was helpful too.

He turned into a delightful child, he still is amazing at 12. My next child was angelic as a toddler, she would stop doing stuff because I asked her not to!

Also your DH needs to be around a bit more and to stop being so blaming of your parenting.

oh YY to How To Talk. Even though my ds was not particularly verbal, this book was a game changer.

PS When you were in the shop with him, did you have a pushchair, carrier or a trolley with a child seat? It sounds as if he was unrestrained - and you were trying (and failing) to hold him back while also dealing with the shopping? DS is much better now but 6 months ago there's no way I would have let him have free run of the shop, far too stressful - and I think freedom is conditional on good behaviour, so if he starts to knock things over and doesn't stop when you ask, he goes back in the pushchair / carrier / trolley seat.

@AnotherEmma oddly enough gentle hands is the only thing that does work to stop him scratching me When DH yells and acts like it’s the sorest thing in the world (good thing they don’t give birth) DS just finds it funny and doesn’t stop. He was indeed unrestrained in the shop - I think i’ve got a real bee in my bonnet about him getting enough exercise because he’s got so much energy and isn’t a good sleeper so I try to get us walking everywhere but it may well be time to admit the supermarket isn’t the place for exercise!

@HumphreyCobblers could you tell me a bit about using the Faber book with a child who’s not very verbal yet? I’ve read it and thought it was great but DS doesn’t really seem to understand being offered choices or the actual consequences of something being sore or dangerous for him or other people. He doesn’t get make believe yet either. Or it may be more the case that he’s just wilfully ignoring me.

And thanks again everyone for your thoughtful replies. Am phoning the HV today to ask her to visit, and DH is definitely going to be there.

We started the naughty step at about 2. Our CM uses it too. 2 minutes at that age. They understand far far more than you’d think.

I feel your pain, DS1 (now 6) was challenging at that age (a biter). He’s not very emotionally intelligent but he’s very very rational and so pretty charming most of the time. We now have ‘time out’ to calm down before it all goes to pot. So you will get there.

"it may well be time to admit the supermarket isn’t the place for exercise!"
Quite

Have you read the little kids book? (There are two different ones with very different titles.) You do need the little one!

Sorry meant to type very similar titles

I remember telling DS all the GOOD things about him, the things that I loved, the things that were brilliant about him. This was thanks to the book. It acted like a reset button. I also praised every little second he did something well 'oh look ds you are playing so nicely etc etc'

I had definitely got into a situation where I was only reacting to the negative and purpetuating the bad behaviour by giving that all the attention instead of the good behaviour.

I also think that verbalising his frustrations loudly was helpful "I see you are really sad at leaving the park/going home, you wish we could stay longer"etc. This one was dependent on whether I could get him to hear me over the yelling.

It is the Little Kids book i’ve been reading and I think it’s brilliant, just struggling a wee bit for any of the actions to have much effect on DS’s behaviour (except the managing expectations bit as I no longer take him out for coffee/food with friends and limit playdates to an hour). I do tell him all the good things he does and how proud I am. DH has agreed to read it so that’s a start!

He was kicking off this afternoon because DS was yanking on the blinds when DH is always telling him not to. He has apparently now broken the blind but DH has admitted that if he doesn’t want DS playing with them then the blinds needs to be tied up firmly out of his reach. DH is very much of the mindset that we shouldn’t have to change things around the house so DS won’t break them but I think he’s learning that maybe damage control is the way to go right now.

Posters who’ve successfully used reins - what kind did you get? I have the Skip Hop backpack but the ‘leash’ is so short that DS bolts the minute they’re on, falls down, gets a fright, starts howling. I tried him with the wrist cuff ones where he’s tethered to my wrist but he just pulls at it and cries until it’s off.

In fact I have just remembered that for years DS used to say at bedtime "Tell me all the things you love me about". It was great.

DH is very much of the mindset that we shouldn’t have to change things around the house so DS won’t break them but I think he’s learning that maybe damage control is the way to go right now.

Definitely go for the damage limitation. We didn't get a smart tv for ages due to the throwing habit. It will definitely help if your DH gets on board with the fact that things do change with small children, there WILL come a point when you will be able to reason with your DS and be able to point out consequences etc, and when you will be able to expect good behaviour just because..

Who was it that said it wasn't authoritative parents that made well behaved children but rather well behaved children that made authoritative parents? We definitely agreed with that statement after meeting DS. Had we met DD first we would have been the smug authoritative parent.

Your DH is taking the piss spending all day 'shopping' and 'fixing things' for his parents, then coming home and giving you grief about a scratched TV.

Is your PILs' home falling down around their ears? How many things need fixing every single week? And how much shopping does he have to do for two elderly people every week?

Bollocks to that. Tell him he spends three hours max, door to door. He can bargain you up to four but anything more is ridiculous.

In fact I have just remembered that for years DS used to say at bedtime "Tell me all the things you love me about". It was great

That is just so lovely Humphrey. I look forward to the time when DS can talk to me like that. He is actually such a sweet and loving wee boy. He was in the bath tonight, was stroking my face and smiling and saying ‘oh wee mummy.’ God love him.

It’s a shame other people only see the out of control, angry, aggressive child and I think very often people think he’s older because he’s really tall.

I realise i’ve been sounding a bit negative and ‘but but but’ about the Faber book. I need to remember it’s aimed at ages 2-7 and i’ve been reading it since DS was about 20 months, and he won’t even be 2 for a few weeks yet. I absolutely don’t want to come across as dismissive of everyone’s thoughtful responses here.