I am not coping with my toddler

[AgentCooper]

DS is a few weeks away from turning two. He is very volatile.

He throws things constantly. Sometimes if i’ve put a plate of grapes out for him after he’s decided he’s finished he just picks it up and chucks it. He does this in his highchair at dinner too. I tell him that when he’s finished he just needs to say all done and that throwing things can hurt people but to no avail. A friend told him off at soft play recently because his water bottle narrowly missed her child’s head.

At other people’s houses, cafes, he sweeps everything off tables. At home I make sure there’s nothing in reach so he can’t do this and again tell him not to do it because it makes a mess and it’s not nice.

He bites and scratches me and DH when he doesn’t get what he wants, eg if I need to take him upstairs to get him into his pyjamas and he doesn’t want to go. Usually he will soften up with me because I repeat ‘gentle hands,’ ‘don’t hurt mummy’ and stay calm. With DH he just gets worse because he shouts and reacts really loudly.

He was told off in the supermarket recently because he kept knocking over the battery recycling box, no matter how many times I stopped him. I was trying to pay and pack my shopping, holding him by the arm but he got free and did it again.

This evening DH noticed a scratch on the tv screen and was furious as DS has obviously done it with a car. Whenever he runs his cars across the telly, I move him away, distract him, but it’s obviously happened when i’ve been in the kitchen. DH goes to his parents’ on Sundays so it definitely happened on my watch.

Everything i’ve read says time out/naughty step are no use for a child so young because he won’t understand and that explaining why what he’s doing is wrong, distracting, removing him from the situation, ‘Time In’ with lots of cuddles and attention are more effective. I do all this. And DH is saying we need to start disciplining him because my way obviously isn’t working.

He is the definition of a high needs child - really sensitive, clingy, emotional, high energy, takes ages to get used to people, still not sleeping through. But i’m starting to wonder if there are actual additional needs there. What do I do? I’m just exhausted and miserable. Who do I talk to?

and again tell him not to do it

Telling him obviously isn’t working, it sounds like he’s got the run of the house. If he can’t be trusted when you leave the room then put him in a play pen.
Put him in the trolley at the shop, put him in the pushchair in cafes.
He needs consequences
Cars on tv = no cars
Dinner thrown = no pudding
Throwing at friend = leave soft play

He’ll understand a lot more than you think and is likely to realise being nice = nice things a lot quicker than simply saying ‘no don’t do that’

@Zone4flaneur thank you for the Philippa Perry suggestion, i’ve been interested in that book for ages so I will definitely order a copy now.

@Ravingstarfish I know you’re right that misbehaving at soft play should equal leaving. I’m so desperate to not be stuck in the house that I try not to use going home as a consequence, partly because that’s fine by him, he gets to go home where there are toys and Bing on tv! Possibly putting him in the buggy and taking him out of soft play, and then he has to stay in the buggy, might work better for us.

I like the playpen idea but will need to get something new as he’s so tall he can escape our old one no bother.

I agree with Cedar's post. The short, sharp No (in a low voice and very firm tone - never show panic) should be tried, and if necessary, your gentle hands to guide him away from something.

If he keeps at it, then you need to remind him to listen to mummy. Praise him for listening if you see him playing with his cars on the floor. Listening is the key skill to praise with toddlers. Make sure he gets hugs/kisses/beaming smiles from you that reinforce how wonderful you think it is that he listens.

I sort of agree with your DH's idea that training DS not to break everything is better than wrapping the house up. If successful, then you will end up with a child you will be able to take places.

But at the same time, make life a bit easier for yourself. If he is still in a high chair, serve his food directly onto the high chair tray and dispense with plates for the time being.

Could you make a complicated car track with masking tape on the floor and the couch and other safe surfaces? Put a couch cushion on the floor and let the tape go over that to create a slope?

Wooden train track sets can be fascinating to little boys around age 2, especially if there are bridges. You can often find magnetic clip together train wagons for sale by previous owners on FB, etc, or in car boot sales. Maybe you already have some of that and ignore if so.

It's a pita, but you can put playdough into small uninflated balloons for quiet, enjoyable smushing. Use a small tube like the tube of a kitchen funnel to hold open the balloon and insert the playdough bit by bit into the balloon, then get as much air out as possible and tie closed. He gets the playdough experience without you ending up with playdough everywhere including stuck into the back vents of the TV. (I had one who grated cheese into the TV speakers...)

Could you get out and about with him in the buggy a few days per week without any socialising? Encourage listening on those days when you are meeting up with friends and try to anticipate tiredness, frustration, and suggest sitting on your knee for a while every now and then to reconnect with you and give him a little break.

@AgentCooper thanks for writing this post, I'm finding everyone's advice very helpful for my own little monster.
@mathanxiety I love the tape car track idea!

I agree with the last couple of posts that a short no and then ignoring and distracting bad behaviour is a good approach at this age, mine is a couple of months younger but just isn't able to understand harsher consequences yet.

I also think they really love as much indepence as possible too. Mine uses a spoon pretty well now, so I don't try and feed him yoghurt or anything, even if it makes a lot more mess. He likes to help so I let him do things when I'm baking and he presses the buttons on the washing machine for me. He feels grown up and gets lots of praise.
I basically let him be in control of things that don't matter so much, pick my battles etc, so that when he does need to listen and stop doing something/hold my hand to cross the road, he's generally quite happy to.

That being said, if he's very tired it all goes out the window as he's a nightmare!

Following as struggling with 25m DS.

Tiger tiger are selling road and track masking tape if that helps anyone.

I bought some wooden train stuff off gumtree, and we played with it nicely until DS got frustrated and threw a bit of track at my head. He laughs if I say no and won't apologise.