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Original poster

Is this cheating?

52 replies

JoySomber · 12/09/2019 20:50

Name changed

Me and my DH have been together for almost 7 years married for 4. And we have 2 boys 5 and 2 and a 5 month old girl

I caught DH messaging his friend saying if He was single he would date her. I confronted him and he said he would but he isn't single so he wouldn't do anything with her.

Now last night my eldest was playing on his phone and messages popped up with his friend and I looked through some of the texts and a few weeks ago DH was asking if she wanted to go for a drink with him.

And then on Sunday he said really enjoyed yesterday xx.

I mentioned it to him and asked why I was spying on his messages when I wasn't

Is this cheating? What can I do?

OP posts:
SuzieBishop · 12/09/2019 20:53

So he’s obviously met up with her behind your back. You need to ask him to tell you the truth. And don’t let him turn it back on you, for example asking why you were spying on him. He needs to answer your questions.

RLOU30 · 12/09/2019 20:55

Yes fuck that- there’s more to this. I’m sorry

StormBaby · 12/09/2019 20:56

Sorry to say yes, this is 100% cheating, but then I do have very firm boundaries and messages back and forth cross that line for me. If my partner is spending more time talking to someone else on a daily basis, they're emotionally checked out, and that's without the meeting up part.

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Relationship problems
lyingwanker · 12/09/2019 21:00

Might not be physically cheating but it's 100% emotionally cheating isn't it? It crosses that line for me

MrsRufusdog789 · 12/09/2019 21:01

He's certainly been flirting with her and most likely has met up with her .
Do you know who this friend of your DH is ?
With three children - one a very new baby this must be a devastating thing for you and it's to your credit you seem so calm about it .
There's no way he should be saying if he were single he'd take her out - he's perhaps inadvertently given her the come on when perhaps she was wanting some sort of reassurance .
Who knows - only him . And whoever this awful woman is as she knows he's a married man with responsibilities . Stay calm but tell him you have seen the texts . See what he says .

Original poster
JoySomber · 12/09/2019 21:03

On Saturday he went to the football and then he said he was going for a drink with his friend who he went to the match with.

He said i dont have any proof that he's cheating because he isn't

OP posts:
mrswarthog · 12/09/2019 21:05

So far, you've read a message saying he'd be in a relationship with her if he wasn't married, another asking her out and a third saying he'd enjoyed their time together. Throw him out. He's stringing her along & is cheating on you.

Pinkbonbon · 12/09/2019 21:06

Its disrespectful and bang our of order. He fancies her whether he would act on it or not so its totally inappropriate for him to meet her alone.

You tell him he cannot meet this woman one on one anymore (assuming it wasn't a group meeting). Quite frankly, unless she is a longggg time friend, I'd expect him to totally cut contact.

Did he cheat? Who knows. But he isn't respecting appropriate moral boundaries for a married man.

Don't let him make you the bad guy here, you aren't.

FizzyPink · 12/09/2019 21:08

In my eyes, anything you wouldn’t do/say in front of your partner is cheating.

Morgan12 · 12/09/2019 21:12

Well even if nothing happened between them he still met with a woman behind your back. Why the need to lie about it? If he hasn't cheated yet then he certainly wants to.

Original poster
JoySomber · 12/09/2019 21:14

Yes I know this friend and she used to work with him and knows he's married and has 2 children (not sure if he told her about dd as she left working with him before she was born).

I wouldn't mind so much but this friend knows he's married and even told him that she wasn't interested in him when he said he would be with her if he wasn't with me. But she knows he's married so I'm not sure why she would agree to meet him if it was another one of his friends who didn't know he was married (he doesn't wear his ring because he doesn't swear jewellery) I wouldn't be angry at them.

I am angry at him as well though because when he met with her on Saturday he knew how I was struggling with dd not sleeping and my 2 year old being ill and my 5 year old wanting to go out but he said he was meeting his friend and he doesn't see him often and he only came for the match so he wanted a catch up.

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 12/09/2019 21:28

If he’s not cheating already he’s definitely trying to. It seems to be the classic life at home has become all about children so he wants all the attention on him again scenario.

supersop60 · 12/09/2019 21:30

So he lied about meeting his friend on Saturday so he could meet up with this woman? wanting to date her? inviting her for a drink?
It's not on. Emotional cheating atm. It will lead to to an affair if it is not stopped.
He has crossed a line. What do you want to do OP?

Original poster
JoySomber · 12/09/2019 21:39

I don't know what I want to do.

I'm just so upset that he would cheat/think about it

OP posts:
xcxcsophiexcxc · 12/09/2019 21:42

Sorry to say this doesn't sound good. I'd be ringing bee straight up and (not in an aggressive way) but asking what they've been doing together one woman to another.

Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 21:47

Talk to him. Ask him what he was thinking when he said that. Ask him if he really loves you. If he thinks the last seven years were worth it if he would so easily say that he would be with someone else if you weren't in the picture. Tell him how much all this upsets you. And if he's going to say things like that then he needs to reevaluate his whole situation, marriage and fatherhood included.

Original poster
JoySomber · 12/09/2019 22:19

I tried to talk to him but he said he didn't cheat and just wanted to meet up with his friend

And he's now ignoring me

OP posts:
Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 22:20

I'm sorry about your problems. Personally, I'd go to the extreme to get answers.

Happyspud · 12/09/2019 22:21

He’s a liar and a sneaky fucker at the very least. Do you really want to be with someone like that and show your kids that it’s ok to be like that?

Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 22:22

I agree. What does your gut tell you? And do you want your kids to learn that being treated in such a way is okay?

Original poster
JoySomber · 12/09/2019 22:31

No i dont want they kids to think it's OK.

But I won't know what to do because he won't talk about it but I wouldn't have 'proof' that he's cheating so he'd tell everyone I did something and he broke up with me

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 12/09/2019 22:35

You dont need proof btw.

Original poster
JoySomber · 12/09/2019 22:37

I know but he would probably try and blame me somehow

OP posts:
RJoneszy · 12/09/2019 22:39

Emotional affair. Sorry Op. You need to ask him about it, Jesus it will eat you up...

RJoneszy · 12/09/2019 22:40

He will try and blame you because he's guilty or hiding something that's why. It's called Gaslighting.

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