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Original poster

Are you a flaky friend?

64 replies

FatherFintanFay · 12/09/2019 16:12

I might be accused of being goady here, but I'm really not intending to be... I just want to understand the issue better before I decide to cut a friend loose, and maybe consider the possibility that I'm being unfair.

I have a friend who is almost impossible to pin down to a firm arrangement. I can message her to suggest meeting up for a coffee or something, she'll respond with "Yes, definitely, it would be great to see you, let me check my diary and I'll get back to you", but then I'll hear nothing and will eventually have to message her again. The cycle then restarts. She might be apologetic and say "Sorry, I know I'm hopeless, I'll definitely sort something this week" but then doesn't follow through on it.

She is a successful person who runs her own business, but when it comes to personal friendships, she's always been this way. I have known her since we were at school and we've sporadically fallen out of touch over the years because of her flakiness, but it's actually always been her who's reached out to make contact again. I just don't understand why she bothers to do that if she's then going to never be available to do any actual friend stuff! We had a number of other mutual friends from our school days who have all lost touch with her over the years for the same reasons, so it's not as if it's just me.

Is there anyone out there who is like my friend who genuinely wants to be friends with people but struggles to maintain friendships for whatever reason? As far as I know, she doesn't have any neurological issues and on the rare occasions we have managed to meet up, she's always on time!

OP posts:
Girasole02 · 12/09/2019 16:17

Finally cut mine loose as whenever we did manage to meet, she was always late, keeping me waiting 40 minutes the last time I saw her. I felt I wanted more from the friendship which was always one sided with me doing the messaging, chasing up etc.
I'm totally with you.

FlashAHHHH · 12/09/2019 16:22

Neurological issues?! Grin

I'm definitely not flaky and if I say I'm going to meet up then I make it happen 99% of the time.

BUT, I do have a couple of friends that I say 'oh we must meet up' and I really do want to and have every intention, but life is just so busy, it is genuinely difficult to find the time. Having said that, they say the same thing to me, so it works both ways.

I think the real problem is that you're just not a priority to her. I'm sure she really likes you and would like to meet up, but probably prioritises others over you and has a busy life.

Next time she messages, make a firm date and if she cancels then just bin her off.

Atlasta · 12/09/2019 16:26

She likes the idea of having friends but can't be bothered to put the effort in.
She has you for security and just in case she ever needs a friend to call on.

Original poster
FatherFintanFay · 12/09/2019 16:26

I meant like ADHD or something that would make it difficult to focus or remember things. Some people do have genuine reasons for not being organised but as far as I know, this friend doesn't.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2019 16:30

I suspect I do have ADHD, DD does and she is a small me. I'm not late but I am useless. And I love my friends. But if you desperately needed me at 3am and you were 100 miles away, I'd be there. I just flake on plans.

CJDoesTheJackal · 12/09/2019 16:35

I'm going through this with a friend too OP. I was in a pretty shit place emotionally a few weeks ago and we were supposed to meet up (because of me being in said place: I reached out to her). We were meant to meet on the Saturday: she needed to postpone to later in the day for an inane reason and I had family plans so couldn't. So we agreed the next day instead. Same thing happened. It's like this 80% of the time. I've posted about her before. I've lent her money (sometimes monthly but not for a few years since I told her I wouldn't do it any more), and I've always been there for her. It's hard to let go, but I think that's what I need to do.

vvvvvvf · 12/09/2019 16:39

She reaches out to you and is in time for meet-ups so this sounds like she does want to be friends.

I think people will probably describe me as a “flaky friend”, not sure if she’s the same as me but let me justify my “flakiness”so you might see similarities - the truth is I want to be friendly and have good friends but I’m exhausted all the time. Working and raising a family and on top of that trying to keep my house clean and on top of my to-do-list things all the time is exhausting! I’m naturally an introvert too (no one knows this, they think I’m outgoing and bubbly) so being around people exhausts me. My husband is no help so I am on my own. I do feel lonely sometimes and wish I had time to connect with people. I feel jealous when I see mum groups hanging out but then when my friends do actually want to arrange meet-ups my brain process is “ I’ve got this to do and that to do”.

It sounds like she does want to be friends otherwise she wouldn’t contact u when u lose contact. Why not try texting her and asking her how she is and maybe she will say something and u will realise.

People might seem “normal” and as you put it “she has no neurological issues” but no one knows how anxious I am about EVERYTHING and how stressed I am. I put on a smile and act all happy happy. U don’t know really what could be going on in her life. Some friends will tell u everything in their lives and some will keep things to themselves and suffer in silence

Hemlock2013 · 12/09/2019 16:46

I’m a flake. I think it comes from having low standards myself from what to expect in a friendship. Also my very long term friends (ie friends for 30 years) are people I see sporadically and just pick up where we left off. So I don’t really feel the need for regular trips out with people.

I have lost friends because of it. After maternity leave going back to full time work , a friend felt I didn’t prioritise her. I felt awful but the truth was that I hadn’t seen anyone! Between work which bled into evenings and weekends, pre school and school runs I had nothing left to give. The longer term friends were fine with no contact in 6 months other than a “miss you, catch up soon” message. This friend was not.

So maybe the long term friends are also flakes and that’s why we work. I would never be offended if someone was busy. I also don’t get offended if they do other stuff over seeing me. It’s all quite relaxed.

Sorry on behalf of all flakes though! X

BeepBeeeep · 12/09/2019 16:48

If I make a plan to do something or meet someone I always see it through unless something drastic happens meanwhile, which is rare.
I don't understand why people make arrangements and then cancel repeatedly. I couldn't have a friend like that.
I would drop her OP.

Hemlock2013 · 12/09/2019 16:48

I will say in my Defense I don’t cancel plans and I’m not late.

vvvvvvf · 12/09/2019 16:53

Hemlock - we sound the same!

vvvvvvf · 12/09/2019 16:58

I meant the same in terms of I don’t mind if their priority other things over me

Hemlock2013 · 12/09/2019 17:05

Yeah I get you vvvvvf. We would work as friends! 😂

managedmis · 12/09/2019 17:08

She just doesn't see you as a priority

Whitejasmine · 12/09/2019 17:11

hemlock2013 - I’m just like you. Meeting up with my group of old friends every now and then is enough for me. I’m so busy in my own world I just don’t have the desire to be getting together for coffee or nights out with other individual friends/acquaintances I’ve made over the years. If you met me you’d think I’m bubbly and chatty but I actually am a real homebird. I just cant be arsed socialising a lot of the time and I often don’t get back to people as I don’t like coming up with excuses. I suspect people think I’m a bit flaky!

Original poster
FatherFintanFay · 12/09/2019 17:19

I have other friends and am not especially desperate for social contact. I don't think she ought to be prioritising me above everything else in her life, but surely half an hour every couple of months isn't too much to ask for? I just wonder how long a friendship can be maintained on good intentions.

OP posts:
GreyhoundzRool · 12/09/2019 17:33

I have a friend like this - she is useless for pinning down, and she’s like it with everyone. However she would be there like a shot if I really needed her

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2019 17:44

I just wonder how long a friendship can be maintained on good intentions.

Decades as long as everyone is fine with it. I didn't see one friend for two years. Finally got him out, completely back to how it was before.

Original poster
FatherFintanFay · 12/09/2019 17:53

Yes, I do have friends I don't see all that often, but it doesn't matter so much because it's never difficult to actually make plans with them. I suppose it's the constant reneging on organising something that bothers me.

For the record, I am also an introvert who gets anxious about socialising, but I've learned over the course of my life that if you always say no to everything, people will eventually stop asking you. I make myself go to things on the basis that I know I almost always enjoy myself once I'm there, and just make sure I have no plans for the following day so I can recharge my batteries with a bit of solitude.

OP posts:
vvvvvvf · 12/09/2019 18:01

Well then maybe don’t reply to her message next time she tries to re-connect. She might start to realise that she won’t have any friends left if she does that. That sometimes happens to me then I make myself go to meet-ups. That’s good you feel better going to social events being an introvert like myself, I wish I could, but I get anxious after the event thinking “gosh did I say something inappropriate”etc. I get really anxious about little things do find it easier if I don’t go. I think lack of sleep with having young kids plays more on my mind. Has your friend got little kids under 5?

StrictlyComeMarie · 12/09/2019 18:02

I do this when I don’t really want to see someone (sorry!)

Original poster
FatherFintanFay · 12/09/2019 19:13

vvvvvvf she has no kids and is single. Her business is very time intensive and must take up a huge amount of mental energy to run, so I appreciate that there's probably not much left for anything or anyone else. I really do try to be understanding, and that was why I sought views on here, but it seems in the end to come down to the probability that she doesn't really value me enough to make any time for me. Or else she simply can't be arsed.

Btw, why doesn't your husband help? Sounds like you badly need some support there. Sorry, I know this thread isn't about that...

Socialising does take it out of me but I live alone and I'm isolated from most of my friends by where I choose to live. So I basically have to either make an effort occasionally, or accept that I'm going to end up with no friends. An evening out of my life once a week isn't going to kill me and I do usually enjoy seeing people once I'm there.

OP posts:
vvvvvvf · 12/09/2019 20:19

I know you probably don’t want to hear this but I would just cut her out for your own sanity. You don’t want to be thinking about her, life’s too short! Spend time with your friends who value you x

vvvvvvf · 12/09/2019 20:21

Oh sorry forgot to answer your question. My husband works away so isn’t home during the week

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 12/09/2019 21:31

I have a friend like this. I just leave the ball in her court now, as I choose not to spend energy chasing her.

If she does want to meet, I'm happy to do so.