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Original poster

Are you a flaky friend?

64 replies

FatherFintanFay · 12/09/2019 16:12

I might be accused of being goady here, but I'm really not intending to be... I just want to understand the issue better before I decide to cut a friend loose, and maybe consider the possibility that I'm being unfair.

I have a friend who is almost impossible to pin down to a firm arrangement. I can message her to suggest meeting up for a coffee or something, she'll respond with "Yes, definitely, it would be great to see you, let me check my diary and I'll get back to you", but then I'll hear nothing and will eventually have to message her again. The cycle then restarts. She might be apologetic and say "Sorry, I know I'm hopeless, I'll definitely sort something this week" but then doesn't follow through on it.

She is a successful person who runs her own business, but when it comes to personal friendships, she's always been this way. I have known her since we were at school and we've sporadically fallen out of touch over the years because of her flakiness, but it's actually always been her who's reached out to make contact again. I just don't understand why she bothers to do that if she's then going to never be available to do any actual friend stuff! We had a number of other mutual friends from our school days who have all lost touch with her over the years for the same reasons, so it's not as if it's just me.

Is there anyone out there who is like my friend who genuinely wants to be friends with people but struggles to maintain friendships for whatever reason? As far as I know, she doesn't have any neurological issues and on the rare occasions we have managed to meet up, she's always on time!

OP posts:

Notverycreatiive · 14/09/2019 08:31

I'm a flaky friend.. I'm always available to text, maybe a phonecall depending on my mood.

I'm introverted and have social anxiety.

I'm always late and if I'm not late it means I'm probably going to cancel. With this, I now only have 1 actual friend.

The only exceptions are for my children and work.

Fluffsmum · 14/09/2019 10:44

Notverycreatiive do you mind not having friends? Or is that your preference?

Pimmsypimms · 14/09/2019 16:52

I have a flakey school mum friend. I know she's flakey and usually it's fine, however, she has just let me down, again, and I'm not sure I can just keep on forgiving. We were supposed to go to a friends party together (as we didn't really know any other people there, apart from the host) and she let me down at last minute, again, so I have to go on my own. Obviously I'm not that important in her life so not sure I can be arsed to make an effort with her anymore. Certainly won't be making any more plans with her!

leghairdontcare · 14/09/2019 17:07

Yes, definitely, it would be great to see you, let me check my diary and I'll get back to you

This is my default reply to my flaky friends who usually expect me to arrange when we're meeting, where, to book a restaurant, possibly arrange transport etc and I'm sick of doing that.

Are you giving her firms plans, times and dates etc which shows you're serious about meeting?

Original poster

FatherFintanFay · 14/09/2019 17:12

leghair I would have given a number of options and left it to her to narrow them down by checking when she was available. Why would I always have to be the one making firm plans and proving I'm serious about meeting up, though?

OP posts:

Blutopia · 14/09/2019 17:18

I'm a flaky friend.

I have two old school friends that I see maybe once every 1-2 years - we live a long way from another - but we exchange messages, memes and news over WhatsApp together, and don't give it a second thought if one of us goes awol for a while. We're all equally flaky really.

I have another close friend who lives an hour away, and I love her because she's funny and sweet and kind and has experienced so much tragedy in her life, that she can be very wise. She often chases me to agree to a date to get together, but it's never just a coffee and a chat with me and her - it's usually virtually half a day or the whole evening with spouses and dinner plans and babysitting complications, which takes more forethought and limits the options. I also have to check with DH to make sure he's around/is happy with the arrangements, which is another element, and I'm always the one who says "I'll get back to you" but it takes me ages so she ends up chasing me.

I don't think she's on MN otherwise I'm sure she'd post about how rubbish I am.

In fact, I'm going to go and suggest a date to her right now.

leghairdontcare · 14/09/2019 18:42

As I said, just wondering if you're actually the flaky one due to my experience. If you're giving her firm dates when you're free I'll let you off

Original poster

FatherFintanFay · 14/09/2019 18:53

I am legendarily not flaky! Most people who know me would probably say I go too far in the other direction, but that's how I keep my anxiety in check. Part of my reason for this thread was to see if perhaps, by expecting reciprocation and effort from my friends, I was expecting too much. The answer seems to be that for some people, it is, but that doesn't mean they're being deliberately unfriendly, just that we're probably not compatible as friends.

OP posts:

leghairdontcare · 14/09/2019 19:01

I don't think incompatible but it's important to make it work on your terms and seeing each other less might be the logical conclusion of that. As I said, I've been on the receiving end of it and now I have friends (acquaintances?) I might only see once a year but we have a good time when we do it.

Notverycreatiive · 14/09/2019 20:48

Fluffsmum ..

It's complicated, to a certain degree I don't mind, I enjoy my own company and the company of my partner and children.

But.. I do miss having a large group of friends.. I used to be very sociable.

Blamangeme · 14/09/2019 20:51

One of my friends is a flake. Always suggesting we meet up then changes it. Then wherever we go she then has to leave early. She always looks on edge as if ready to leave. I have tried allsorts- leaving her to give me dates when she can make it etc. She takes days to reply to texts if at all. Shes a busy mum but really stressed and whilst she likes the idea of having friends she's too disorganised and stressed to make any time for them. She's lovely apart from this and a friend I really trust. Unfortunately in this area she is hard work. I just go with the flow. I used to get irritated by it now I just leave it to her. If I see her I see her if I don't then so be it. I have other friends I see.

Mia3456 · 18/09/2019 21:52

Guys have u considered maybe the flaky friends have things /issues going on in their lives which makes them unable to socialise and they might not want to speak Bout it?

ooooohbetty · 18/09/2019 22:00

I don't think people like that are true friends. One way to look at it when they were or if they are dating did they manage to be on time for dates and did they manage to maintain romantic relationships? If so then it's obvious that those people were far more important than you are to the flake. I once had a friend who was notoriously unreliable and often late. Could be on time for men though. She's no longer my friend.

Fluffsmum · 19/09/2019 06:15

Mia3456 of course from time to time, and the odd occasion is fine and totally forgiveable, as is when it happens a few times from someone usually reliable. But for some people it's the default, they are ALWAYS flakey. I have things going on in my life, I make time for my friends and when they repeatedly cancel or refuse to firm up plans it's irritating at the least!

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