Are you a flaky friend?

[FatherFintanFay]

I might be accused of being goady here, but I'm really not intending to be... I just want to understand the issue better before I decide to cut a friend loose, and maybe consider the possibility that I'm being unfair.

I have a friend who is almost impossible to pin down to a firm arrangement. I can message her to suggest meeting up for a coffee or something, she'll respond with "Yes, definitely, it would be great to see you, let me check my diary and I'll get back to you", but then I'll hear nothing and will eventually have to message her again. The cycle then restarts. She might be apologetic and say "Sorry, I know I'm hopeless, I'll definitely sort something this week" but then doesn't follow through on it.

She is a successful person who runs her own business, but when it comes to personal friendships, she's always been this way. I have known her since we were at school and we've sporadically fallen out of touch over the years because of her flakiness, but it's actually always been her who's reached out to make contact again. I just don't understand why she bothers to do that if she's then going to never be available to do any actual friend stuff! We had a number of other mutual friends from our school days who have all lost touch with her over the years for the same reasons, so it's not as if it's just me.

Is there anyone out there who is like my friend who genuinely wants to be friends with people but struggles to maintain friendships for whatever reason? As far as I know, she doesn't have any neurological issues and on the rare occasions we have managed to meet up, she's always on time!

Yes, me, I am very flakey. Recently diagnosed with ADHD. I have 2 kids with ADHD too. I very rarely get round to making plans with people and I am SHIT at replying to messages. I do reach out randomly. I'm lucky to have some good friends I see occasionally and they don't judge me for it, but probably no friends I see very regularly. I do care about people, I just genuinely have no idea how to keep on top of normal every day life chores and kids and work and social life becomes last and I rarely get to it. Day to day I struggle with time keeping but for one off socialising things I would be on time. Running a business would not mean there is no ADHD by the way. Richard Branson is a good example of that.

Yes, I know ADHD doesn't necessarily mean a person can't hold down a job but I've known her for a long time and she doesn't present that way at all. I used to work in that field so I have an idea of what to look for.

I think I will just back off and leave it up to her to contact me if she wants to. I'm not into forcing my friendship on people, and I have others. While it's a shame, I find it difficult enough to organise myself into getting out there and being "normal" without having to chivvy somebody else along too!

I'm a flake, very similar to other posters. Have long term friends I may not see for a year and we go straight back into it being like yesterday we saw each other.

I'm loads better at last minute plans. If a friend rings me and says fancy a coffee this afternoon I'm most likely to say yes. Plan to meet me in a month with a date put in the diary and I'll forget. Or I don't want to go for some strange reason. I don't know why.

I also come across as sociable and bubbly but actually an introverted homebody.

Fizzypoo - that’s so true! I think with introverts like us ( in my case anyway) I start to work myself up about meet-ups but last minute ones I don’t get a chance to fret. I realise now that’s why one friend in particular annoys me cos she’s always like planning so far in advance, like I won’t know how I feel in that week!

I am quite happy to conduct friendships purely over messenger! Does that make me weird??
If you like messaging her then carry on, without mentioning meeting up?

I have a really good friend of 20 years standing. We do not speak often, unless it's to say we should meet, then find we can't anytime soon. BUT, if I was to message her and say I needed her here now, no question she would be here! Is your friend like that? If so, worth keeping, if not, then what is either of you getting out of it?

I have flaky friends and have cut flaky friends loose before now. I’ve never had the specific problem of them not agreeing to a date. IME it’s that they contact me wanting to arrange a date, we do, I then find myself messaging them to check we are still meeting or what time (if loose arrangements are made) and generally find they cancel at least 50% of the time or are late. There is always a reason of course but it doesn’t occur to them that most people are able to live life, work and manage to get themselves to prearranged engagements. Said friend cancelled on me today, pushing to rearrange and I just can’t be bothered.

I can be a flaky friend. If I make an arrangement to meet you I will stick to it, but it can take weeks of "we must meet / I'll get back with dates / so sorry, can't do it after all, can we reschedule " to actually make an arrangement in the first place.

I try very hard not to be late to meet individuals but if I arrange to join a group in a pub I could well be the last there by an hour.

In my case it's work. I often have back to back meetings, calls and skype chats for 4 or 5 hours without a gap (and in fact can be doing all three at once). My team is global so there's no lulls at lunch/ end of day either. In any gaps I'm trying to prepare / catch up / have a pee, and throughout this I am keeping mental track of things I have to do that come up through the meetings etc until I either have a chance to do them or I add to the to do list at the end of the day before I leave.

I'm constantly working out which of the many threads I'm trying to hold on to I can park to create space to focus, so anything non-urgent like social planning just gets put on hold.

Plus, during the day my calendar is a combination of what's actually booked and what I am trying to plan but haven't fixed yet. So trying to work out a slot to meet a friend within the flux is not a background task, it takes some concentration.

And once I'm home my brain slumps, and I don't remember I wanted to come up with some dates until it's after 11pm and too late to message.

And then tomorrow it all happens again...

(I have considered the possibility that I have ADHD).

HolyCow I can see how casual friendships, or acquaintanceships, can be in messenger, but would you help any of those people in a crisis?

This thread has been interesting, I’m an introvert and always ditch flakes, partly because I think they don’t really want to be friends and worry I might be bothering them.

PS apparently if you read the word “flake” in several posts, you start craving chocolate 😂

@vvvvvvf I don't work myself up or get anxious ect, I actually love being out when I'm out. I'd just rather not deal with the hassle of getting ready, sorting DC out and I'd rather be netflixing. I use a lot of emotional energy in work and I feel that I haven't always got enough of 'me' left after that and family.

I've got a friends birthday party to go to Saturday, I will go as it's my friends birthday but I already don't want to go. I will have a great time once I'm out. Its really weird!

I am a flaky friend. I don't want to be but my life is chaos at the moment (extended and immediate family drama) and my mental and physical health are in the gutter. So I might agree to something and be unable to do it because I've other things I need to sort out, I'm ill in someway or it's the first time I've had a quiet half hour and I want to cancel so I can recuperate

I have a friend like this. I think she's depressed. She certainly having a generally hard time but has always been scatty.

She's hard to pin down, and if we do arrange something it'll be "coffee on Friday" I'll message Thursday about a time and she'll say "I'm not sure, my mum might be having the kids so I can get some housework done I'll text in the morning" then 4pm comes and she's not messaged.

I'm starting to distance myself to be honest. She's had a lot going on which means we (our friendship group) have forgiven it for a long time, but now we invite her to things we're already doing or wait for her to invite us and don't pass up other opportunities if they clash because the chances of her turning up are minimal.

I don't do flaky. It would piss me off. You have to be invested if you want to be my friend.

I just wouldn't contact her anymore and let the friendship go, naturally.

As an introvert myself, I don't accept some of the things other people do and then blame on introversion. Cancelling plans on the day, for example, without a genuine reason - the other person might have juggled things and got childcare and actually be looking forward to seeing you. So you don't cancel on them because you're not in the mood, you honour the arrangement, even if you don't stay for as long as planned. Being introverted doesn't mean others have to accept shabby treatment from you.

Rosa I might help them out in a crisis or emergency. It depends who it is and weather it's practical for me to do so. I wouldn't expect them to do it for me either.

That's kind of beside the point though? The OP didn't say her friend was letting her down/failing to support her in a crisis. Just that she was rubbish at making plans to meet up!

If not meeting up is a deal breaker for the OP then so be it. But some cssual friendships can be sustained just through chat and messenger!

The sad truth OP is that she doesn't want to meet up. She's making the right noises but all the approaches are coming from you and other people trying to make plans.

Test it for yourself. Don't do any more running and see how/if she bothers to respond. I suspect she won't.

Other than wasting your time a bit, she's not doing anything wrong, she's just not cut out to be your friend - or maybe anybody's? Who can say? It's no reflection on you, she's just not keen to the same degree that you are. It's not flakey-ness as such but it's rude of her. She should be straight with you, but people generally aren't.

I have two friends. I have acquaintances and people that I like but I won't and don't consider them friends. That's because I am a devoted friend, will do anything for them and it's reciprocated. Two is all I can manage or want to.

You sound nice and very considerate, I'm sure you would be able to make like-minded friends quite easily.

The OP knows what happens if she stops doing the running. They fall out of touch, then her friend messages to re-establish contact.

I suppose, for me, it would depend on what your messages are like. If they are only 'long time no see! We should meet for coffee soon!' - then I agree that this would be annoying if no effort is then made to make plans.

But if they are having a general chat/catch up/sharing jokes etc then surely that's fine? If the friend is busy and stressed maybe a casual chat over WhatsApp is all she wants or needs. If the OP wants or needs more than that, then that's up to her to decide.

I am just like your friend and so is my DH to some extent, we just hate being tied to anything. I never pull out of actual plans but making a commitment I find difficult with certain friends especially friends that want to make future arrangements there and then. I can’t explain why, I love not having commitments I guess I’m a short term planner

For ever we my brother has been known for being the forgetful one, clumsy, always forgetting that hes promised to make an arrangement etc. In the end hes just had to accept that he is, even admits it, and has never had a clue how to change. Sometimes you'' tell him something so heartfelt and he promises to meet you to talk about it properly for eg but he forgets and doesnt ever arrange anything. Its fustrating for us as my brother is the most caring kind person i know, and he genuinely means the promises he makes, he literally almost cries when he realises hes let you down again. He just gets distracted and boom he is in another world. It was only after he went to get help for anxiety prblems that they suddenly diagnosed him with a major type of adhd! When we read through the symptoms of this type of adhd (the type he has doesn't include the hyper part, its just AD) it describes him exactly. He has now got medication and help and he is a changed man. He is so much more reliable and well than ive ever seen him. Could be something like that, if she is truly genuine.

HolyCow I just asked in case OP wanted that person to be around in a crisis. I don't really meet up with casual friends. I wasn't the first person to mention it either.

OP, as an introvert, I agree and I don't cancel for flaky reasons either but I suppose everyone does introversion differently! I do find something annoying about people who try to reconnect because they are bored or whatever.

We're nowhere near being on "there for each other in times of dire need" footing. It's more a "staying in touch because we've been friends for so long but can't seem to manage to meet up" sort of thing. We do occasionally have a Messenger chat but it tends to be a few messages and then she stops responding after about ten minutes.

I don't think all friendships have to be the sort where you can call each other at 3am in an emergency. I think casual, online-only friendships also have a place. But you have to get something out of the interaction, otherwise what's the point?

I quite often do the vague “oh yes we must meet up, let me know when you’re free” and then don’t follow up. It’s for one of two reasons:

1. I genuinely want to see the friend in question, but she is a flake. I’m sick of running around after her, so I’m leaving the running up to her now. If she actually comes back with a date and time I’ll make myself available and look forward to seeing her, but if she doesn’t I’ve learned not to rely on her. A LOT of my friends are in this box. In fact nearly all of them.
2. I really don’t want to see her that much and I’m not bothered if it doesn’t happen, but I haven’t actually decided to call time on the friendship. If I did, I’d be even vaguer and just say I’ve got loads on for the next couple of months, sorry.

To the OP (I think) who said that friend doesn't present as ADHD type - I was recently diagnosed and the ppl I've told who have worked with me or known me a long time have all been v v surprised.

I think I've done a really good job of masking it - but it's been utterly exhausting keeping everything going (and career/family life has till recently been crazy even without adhd tendencies, in truth).

I know I've been a flaky friend because of it, and have lost touch with people I genuinely liked. I feel sad and quite guilty about that, but like others I'm also realising that I'm v introverted (I think I come across as sociable/confident/articulate) and am very happy having very occasional (every couple of months) short-ish meetups with two or three friends. Not drinking has also massively reduced my interest in evenings out. And also, there are some people who I care about/think are lovely and interesting, but I just don't need to see them much or at all.

@Oblomov19 I’m of a similar mindset and have ditched flaky friends.
Not friends who have been upfront with reasons - illness, dc, family crisis etc but those who persistently make plans and then cancel at the last minute with an excuse. I Just can’t be arsed.
I hate all this “well I’m busy with my job/kids/family so I don’t have the time for you” - you know this already, these things haven’t suddenly sprung up on you overnight - I work full time too, have dc, family, commitments. I’ve organised things to be in place so I can see you and now you’ve let me down at the last minute. Once or twice is understandable, forgivable. More than that with your flaky excuses and I’m out.