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Original poster

What does your DH do if your toddler wakes in the night?

56 replies

Woodlandwitch · 06/09/2019 02:27

I’d your toddler wakes in the night and comes into your bedroom wanting to sleep with you what does your DH do?

I just want the minimal doseuptkon possible as I have work first thing, we don’t have a huge bed but still have DC’s for mattrsss that I pull out next to me on the floor and lay him down there with his cover and he falls back off to sleep straight away

DH hates this and doesn’t like DC coming in at night.

Tonight he came in and went round to DH’s side of the bed.
DH told him to go back to bed.
DC was sad so I went to cuddle him to comfort him and asked if he wanted to sleep next to me on the floor and as soon as I said that DH said ‘no he’s sleeping in his own room’.

I put him back to bed but he didn’t want to so was crying and then DH shouted at him.

Obviously this doesn’t calm DC down and I know that it just prolongs things and makes everything worse but DH hates me going against what he’s said once he’s said it.

10 minutes later and DC is still crying so DH gets DC and puts him into our bed with me and DH goes of in a huff saying how DC gets his own way again and DH goes to sleep in DC’s bed

He’s now fast asleep but I’m sat here feeling so cross and upset.
I’ve got work first thing and he’s ruined any chance of me getting a good night now.

Luckily DC fell asleep straight away as soon as he was with me so he is sleeping fine.

I don’t know what I can do here to help DH be more relaxed about sleeping when it’s late and everyone just needs rest.
I wouldn’t like it if I said DC couldn’t do something and then DH went and let him anyway but I don’t agree with DH making these decisions in the middle of the night that don’t seem to make any sense and aren’t good for anyone

OP posts:
BeepBeeeep · 06/09/2019 02:32

When ours were toddlers, we both used to send them back to their own beds if they tried to get in with us.
Within a couple of weeks they had stopped trying.
You really do need to get your toddler to stay in their own bed for the sake of your own sleep and well being.

Limpshade · 06/09/2019 02:35

Obviously your DH shouldn't have shouted but I wonder whether some of the crying from your son was down to confusion - you tell him he can sleep next to you, but then you take him back to bed because your DH doesn't want him there.

It sounds as though you and your DH both need to be saying the same thing and working together better. Has this been going on for some time? It sounds like you are all fed up with the situation and things got unnecessarily heated. I wonder whether you just need to take a few minutes in he evening and agree a plan of action. Either you agree to let him sleep next to you with minimal fuss or you agree to take him straight back to bed with minimal fuss. That way when the situation arises there's no huffing and puffing - and shouting from your DH.

WatchingTheMoon · 06/09/2019 02:37

"You really do need to get your toddler to stay in their own bed for the sake of your own sleep and well being."

Surely that depends on the parent. There are no hard and fast rules and many people co-sleep for far longer than others, or allow their child to come into their bed if they like.

OP, I think you and your husband need to have a discussion so you're on the same page. No one is at their best in the middle of the night.

Interested in this thread?

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Rtmhwales · 06/09/2019 02:37

I'll probably get flamed but I'm with your DH here.

You undermined his parenting, when he said no.

Some people are light sleepers and would struggle to sleep with a toddler in a small bed. I'd get zero sleep and that's why mine isn't allowed in my bed at all. He shouldn't have shouted but people get frustrated and react poorly when they're tired and their DP isn't backing them up.

You two need to work together to come up with a workable solution or compromise before this becomes a bad habit and cycle.

adaline · 06/09/2019 04:13

He's pissed off because you undermined him.

Neither of you are unreasonable in your views but you do need to be on the same page (and stick to it) for the sake of DC.

BadBadBeans · 06/09/2019 04:36

Sure the OP undermined him but on the other hand her DH changed the status quo in the middle of the night, without consulting her, and I notice made no effort to follow through and get up to put their toddler to bed.

My DH and I have clashed on things like this in the past OP. I have tried to make sure that we discuss things in the daytime now. That said, currently he is in the guest room as I am breastfeeding our baby overnight, and he is in sole charge of our pre-schooler's night wake ups. Interesting that suddenly the pre-schooler is allowed to get into bed with him on nights when DH is tired 😂

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 06/09/2019 04:58

I’m in charge of the new born (ebf now) so DH is in charge of the 3 year old. She has had lots of night waking due to new baby and illness. DD rarely comes into our room as she prefers for one of us to climb in with her. At the moment DH is in spare room.

HysteryMystery · 06/09/2019 06:19

They had to spend the night in their own beds. So I took them back to bed and lay down with them until they went to sleep. DH did nothing apart from shout and tell them off if they wine him with them as he wore earplugs and they learnt to sneak in quietly to get me. Although I usually heard their door so could intercept and return before they got to our room.

Aannnaa · 06/09/2019 07:06

in all honesty I think your DH is right. Pandering to a toddler is only every going to end badly - at best you'll have a brat and at worst you'll have a divorce

Original poster
Woodlandwitch · 06/09/2019 07:11

Thanks everyone.

It’s made me realise I do pander to him out of wanting an easy life and for him not to cry.

Il stop suggesting he stays in with us and go back to bedroom rules.

I’m exhausted this morning Shock (yawn)

OP posts:
Aannnaa · 06/09/2019 07:15

Woodlandwitch

it will be horrific for the first few nights, but I promise it will get better

99mTc · 06/09/2019 07:16

You need to talk about this during the day and devise a plan you can both stick to without needing to discuss and argue during the night.
I don't see why you can't continue with the mattress on the floor. Toddler can be taught to come into your room and lie down on the mattress himself, with minimal interaction from you. If you're both working, the most important thing is for everyone to get as much sleep as possible, and sometimes you need to compromise. If your DH really doesn't want your toddler to sleep in the same room as you, he needs to take on his fair share of interrupted nights.

BeepBeeeep · 06/09/2019 07:19

You just have to be consistent.
Look at it this way, if you had done it from the off, you would have had a good night's sleep last night instead of being knackered this morning 🙂
Each time he comes in, just take him back to his bed and return to your own. He will get the message.
Consistency is the key.

Ledkr · 06/09/2019 07:22

After 5 bad sleepers I'm afraid I do what I need to do to get sleep.
Dh and I have jobs where a mistake could be serious and both have half hour drives to work. I don't have the inclination or patience to be sleep training and my youngest still pops herself onto the foam mattress if she wakes in the night and we stay asleep. It really doesn't bother me as I know she won't be doing it for ever.

NanooCov · 06/09/2019 07:26

It really doesn't matter whether you go with the back to bedroom plan or lie on the mattress on the floor plan, so long as it's a plan you've both agreed to in advance and you stick to it. Arguing and shouting in the night helps no one.

DuggeesWoggle · 06/09/2019 07:28

Everything that 99mTc said. Never make decisions like this in the middle of the night when you are both tired and pissed off for having your sleep disturbed.

He shouldn't dictate how you handle wake ups if he isn't going to do any of it himself although he does have a right to say no to having your DS in his bed if not happy with it. The mattress seems a good compromise if it gets you the most sleep. It won't be forever.

DelurkingAJ · 06/09/2019 07:34

We’re in the process of bribing (sticker chart with small toy at the end) DS2 to stay in his own bed (he’s 3.5). Everyone was too tired because he’d arrive in our bed about 1 am and then thump us both in his sleep. But yes, you need to agree a strategy and stick to it. I did have to go to DS2 three times last night when he woke and yelled (DH was snoring and there’s no point us both waking)...but it’s a step towards him waking and going back to sleep by himself and I got more sleep than had he come through. Might a sticker chart work for you?

Stompythedinosaur · 06/09/2019 07:36

I don't think this is something you should be discussing for the first time in the middle of the night. You need to have a proper discussion about how you wish to handle this aspect of parenting, let your ds know what will happen (Can be via a game or story) and them stick to it.

We had our dc in bed with us as they were poor sleepers and I needed to get the maximum sleep for work, but I think either way can work if you are consistent.

Obviously shouting is a crap and unhelpful reaction.

Jesse70 · 06/09/2019 16:41

My friends toddler did this and would come through every night so she made bed next to hers ok the floor and told him that if he needed to come in that was ok and he could go to sleep there
He never woke her up intentionally again he just came in and went straight into the made up bed

Totaldogsbody · 06/09/2019 17:57

When my two dds were at the toddler stage they would come in and I would ask if they wanted a cuddle, the answer was always yes. I would then let them into bed beside me for the cuddle but made sure they knew it was for 5 minutes only and then I would take them back to bed. Neither of them made a fuss when they had to go back to their own beds. I do know some people who have had dreadful experiences with their children refusing to sleep in their own beds though. One of my friends sons was still going in beside them at 7yo which played havoc with her and her partners relationship. You must devise a strategy for dealing with this that suits both you and your DH.

user1493413286 · 06/09/2019 18:02

I try to get DD back in but if I’m exhausted or she’s getting more and more upset I let her come in with us. I decided a while ago that I was going to accept that sometimes DD will sleep in with us and I was ok with that as I needed to get my sleep.
I was talking to someone about co-sleeping with a toddler and they said it’s only w problem if you feel it is.
I’d agree a plan going forward with your DH which includes him getting up and calmly getting your toddler back to bed if that’s your decision

UnalliterativeGeorge · 06/09/2019 18:04

They share a room so before 5am get sent back to their bed and after 5am they can get in ours to avoid waking the other one far too early. It works well till we are too bleary eyed to tell the time!

Skinnychip · 06/09/2019 18:04

My lucky git DH slept through 6 years of DD coming into our bed! I went away for a long weekend once and he really moaned and said she had woken him every night, like it was a new thing!!
And to add insult to injury a few years ago he claimed he was a very light sleeper! When dC had bedtime accidents i could get them out, wash/bath them, put into our bed, strip their bed, turn our bedroom light on to get new bedding, change the bed and return toddler without him having the faintest idea!

ChildminderMum · 06/09/2019 18:07

For me it depends whether your "toddler" is 20 months or 3.5 years?

20 month old one of us would go back to her bed and lie down with her til she went back to sleep.

3 year old would be sent back to bed if nothing wrong.

Bourbonbiccy · 06/09/2019 18:15

I think it must be hard, if you are not both on the same page about parenting and expectations.

He should not have shouted at his DC in the middle of the night (or anytime really it just shows a lack of control )

Have you maybe thought of putting a baby gate on and get a gro clock for them to gauge the time to know when they can come out of their room . Just an idea and you may have already tried it, so sorry if so.