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Original poster

What does your DH do if your toddler wakes in the night?

56 replies

Woodlandwitch · 06/09/2019 02:27

I’d your toddler wakes in the night and comes into your bedroom wanting to sleep with you what does your DH do?

I just want the minimal doseuptkon possible as I have work first thing, we don’t have a huge bed but still have DC’s for mattrsss that I pull out next to me on the floor and lay him down there with his cover and he falls back off to sleep straight away

DH hates this and doesn’t like DC coming in at night.

Tonight he came in and went round to DH’s side of the bed.
DH told him to go back to bed.
DC was sad so I went to cuddle him to comfort him and asked if he wanted to sleep next to me on the floor and as soon as I said that DH said ‘no he’s sleeping in his own room’.

I put him back to bed but he didn’t want to so was crying and then DH shouted at him.

Obviously this doesn’t calm DC down and I know that it just prolongs things and makes everything worse but DH hates me going against what he’s said once he’s said it.

10 minutes later and DC is still crying so DH gets DC and puts him into our bed with me and DH goes of in a huff saying how DC gets his own way again and DH goes to sleep in DC’s bed

He’s now fast asleep but I’m sat here feeling so cross and upset.
I’ve got work first thing and he’s ruined any chance of me getting a good night now.

Luckily DC fell asleep straight away as soon as he was with me so he is sleeping fine.

I don’t know what I can do here to help DH be more relaxed about sleeping when it’s late and everyone just needs rest.
I wouldn’t like it if I said DC couldn’t do something and then DH went and let him anyway but I don’t agree with DH making these decisions in the middle of the night that don’t seem to make any sense and aren’t good for anyone

OP posts:
Ragwort · 06/09/2019 18:19

It’s very hard if you are not both on the same page about sleeping arrangements, DH & I were in total agreement that DS slept in his own room .. but we were very lucky in that he was an excellent sleeper & I honestly can’t remember him ever coming into our room.

Iggly · 06/09/2019 18:19

We set up a bed in our first child’s room and slept in with them for an easy life!
Second time she just got in with us. I am sure dh would prefer to put her back to bed but as he’s not actually doing this, then in she comes.

Mylittlepony374 · 06/09/2019 18:22

My DH gets up & gets into bed with her (she has a double). Everyone back to sleep quickly, everyone happy. She's 2 and a half.

My mum always said adults don't sleep alone, why would you expect a kid too? And it stuck with me.
Each to their own, whatever works for you but just to say I don't see it as pandering.
Talk with your DH in daytime though & agree approach before middle of night tiredness.

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LizzieSiddal · 06/09/2019 18:25

We put a small single bed next to our bed, as Dd was waking so much as a toddler. She then just slept there for about 6 months. She then decided she wanted to share a room with her big sister so she moved in there.

As long as everyone slept, we never cared where!

Expressedways · 06/09/2019 18:29

You definitely need to calmly discuss and agree a plan during the day and then stick to it overnight. Undermining each other isn’t good for anyone, least of all your toddler who above all needs consistency. Whether or not to allow the toddler in your bed is very much personal preference. Personally I agree with your DH but that matters less than the consistency of your approach.

Oopsinamechangedagain2020 · 06/09/2019 18:32

Toddler usually came to DHs side of bed. DH would get up, walk toddler back to bed, tuck in and kiss good night.

LizzieSiddal · 06/09/2019 18:33

My mum always said adults don't sleep alone, why would you expect a kid too? And it stuck with me.
Each to their own, whatever works for you but just to say I don't see it as pandering.

Very much agree with this.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/09/2019 18:36

My mum always said adults don't sleep alone

I totally would if DH got on board with this Grin

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 06/09/2019 18:37

DC calls me or comes in my bed. I wait until hes fast asleep and put him back in his bed. Unless i fall fast asleep. DH does and says nothing. Doesnt care doesnt mind. And thats up to us. We are both fine with it.

eddiemairswife · 06/09/2019 18:49

I'm lucky to have had 4 excellent sleepers, but on the rare occasions that one woke in the night he or she would come into our bed for the rest of the night. My husband was a heavy sleeper; I used to think that I could have given birth beside him and he wouldn't have stirred.

BeanBag7 · 06/09/2019 18:57

We have a stair gate on her bedroom door so she can't come and get in with us. Has never been a problem. She did go through a phase of shouting for us for someone to come into her bed but we go through and give her a quick cuddle and leave - she got the message quite quickly and hardly ever does that now.

I dont think it really matters what you do as long as you're on the same page. It would be confusing for your child if he sometimes is allowed to sleep in your room but sometimes is not.

NabooThatsWho · 06/09/2019 18:59

‘My mum always said adults don't sleep alone, why would you expect a kid too? And it stuck with me.
Each to their own, whatever works for you but just to say I don't see it as pandering.’

I agree with this too. Toddlers can have bad dreams or just wake up and want to be close to the person they love the most. It’s natural. They aren’t doing it to make your life hell or be a ‘brat’ 🙄 They just want a bit of comfort and to feel safe.

DH hates to be undermined, eh? Why does he get to make the rules?

Stardustmoon · 06/09/2019 19:02

One of us gets into bed with our toddler when he cries. We co-sleep with our baby so don't like idea of toddler and baby in our bed. Works for us and we all sleep. Don't feel like we're pandering to them. My son is only two and still wants cuddles at night. Neither me nor dh minds.

Stardustmoon · 06/09/2019 19:06

P.s toddler has a large single which fits an adult and toddler comfortably.

madcatladyforever · 06/09/2019 19:09

I was a single mum and loved my son getting into bed with me. We never had any problems with sleep or rules, we did what we wanted but the only thing I wouldn't tolerate was whining, he had to ask properly.
As soon as a man came into our lives the hassle started, bloke pissed off, angry, arguments about my childs natural behaviour and nit picking in the day. It made me miserable.
I decided not to have any more relationships and stayed a single mum until he was 17.
LTB......being a bit flippant but the hassle always seems to come from the blokes.

LettuceP · 06/09/2019 19:11

Well tbh I'd be pissed off if I told my dd that she had to get back to her own bed and dh then told her she could sleep in our room. He shouldn't have shouted though, that didn't help matters. As pp's have said you need to agree to a plan during the day and then stick to it at night.

Ragwort · 06/09/2019 21:17

Lots of adults do sleep alone, I can't stand sharing a bed with anyone, been happily married (with separate bedrooms Grin) for over 30 years.

SarahAndQuack · 06/09/2019 22:09

I think it depends on what kind of conversation you and your DP have had. Your DP isn't entitled simply to say 'I hate this' and expect that to be the end of the matter. There must be a solution for both of you.

IMO, if your DP is the one who doesn't want the toddler in bed, he should be the one to get out of bed and settle your DS - at least for a bit, to demonstrate that his approach can work.

Personally, I much prefer it when DD sleeps through in her own bed, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I also think it's lovely when she comes for a cuddle when she is upset - it is so much nicer than me having to sit on the floor by her bed trying to comfort her!

Oly4 · 06/09/2019 22:14

How old is the toddler? Our 23mo ends up with us every night. But I’d be trying to put a 3yo back to bed

Pantsomime · 06/09/2019 22:19

Good luck OP - your DH was wrong in the moment in the middle of the night to shout at toddler but you must agree a plan in daytime and stick to it. It will be gut wrenching to say no to him and return him to bed thousands of times to the point where the whole house may put an all-nighter in ( or 2 Shock) but it will be short lived and sorted if you decide toddler is to stay in own room rather than gone in with you

owl89 · 06/09/2019 22:44

We bought a super king bed so if DS wanted to get in, he could. They are only young for a little while.

MillieMoodle · 06/09/2019 23:03

With DS2 (2), DH will get up and go into his bed with him and they both go back to sleep. He's a SAHD now so he's not as bothered about getting a disrupted night's sleep now and then. I will do the same at the weekend. DS2 is a fairly decent sleeper though, he wakes maybe 2 or 3 nights a week.

With DS1 (8), he was a terrible sleeper as a baby/toddler/small child, and we used to bring him into our bed. It wasn't ideal but we both worked full time and needed sleep. He didn't sleep through the night until he was almost 6. If we put him back to bed in his own bed, he'd be up 10+ times. He had separation anxiety and still comes in with us sometimes even now. I can't say it bothers us, we don't even wake up usually. He'll stop when he's ready.

My DM is horrified by my approach (I was never allowed into their bed, even after a nightmare) but I want my DC to feel safe and as a PP said, we don't expect adults to sleep alone, so why should children.

SarahAndQuack · 06/09/2019 23:20

you must agree a plan in daytime and stick to it.

Why?

I expect I am jaded as I have a toddler who has never seemed to need very much sleep, and I have tried every plan under the sun and, in the interests of trying to be consistent, have stuck to plans for months that patently didn't work. When would you expect a consistent plan to have an effect on a toddler? And what would be the benefits?

Leftielefterson · 06/09/2019 23:27

Consistency is key as others have said. DP and I have had this very discussion. There have been nights when my dd has woken us up 10+ times and often we will bring her in to cuddle but then we put her back in her cot. We never allow her to sleep with us. When I travel back home without my DP I continue ensuring she stays in her cot to avoid any confusion.

It’s not easy OP.

BackforGood · 06/09/2019 23:32

Depending on whose turn it was to deal with any night wakings, dh used to do the same as me - deal with returning the toddler to their own bed as quickly and quietly as they could in the hope that the other parent wasn't woken, or, if they stirred, could quickly get back to sleep.