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Original poster

Is there any way I can stop buying nieces and nephews Christmas presents without looking mean and miserable??

89 replies

RogelioAndXo · 05/09/2019 11:10

I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew, all siblings. The eldest, N1, is 20. The other two are 18 and 15.

I've vaguely had in mind that when they turn 21 then I'd stop buying them gifts. The adults buy each other gifts too. However, my family all get together at Christmas for present swapping. If I stop buying N1 gifts next year when she's 21, then at Christmas I'd be handing out presents to her parents and her two siblings, but not her. I can't possibly do that without feeling like a complete cow.

I've suggested we all stop buying presents and instead we spend the money on a family day out or meal. It went down like a lead balloon - no one wants to do it. I've suggested secret Santa. I've suggested giving to charity. Nope.

I can't think of any other way of stopping buying my nieces and nephew presents without feeling majorly awful and leaving one of them out. Is there anything else I haven't thought of? Otherwise I'm going to be buying them presents well into adulthood and, well, I don't really want to Blush

OP posts:
Chillichutney1 · 05/09/2019 11:13

How much do you spend on gifts? Can you give her a token gift and make a joke of it, that you are not really buying her a gift as she is now 21 but you don’t want her to feel left out?

Or keep buying them all gifts til the youngest is 21

ittakes2 · 05/09/2019 11:15

Do the adult nieces and nephews buy you presents back?
Just say with all this waste - lets stop buying each other presents. Or visit wateraid...suggest you all chip in and buy some in need the gift of a well so they can have fresh water or a flushing toilet.

Atlasta · 05/09/2019 11:16

You can do it easily by suggesting no presents for the adults.
Stop buying for the parents. It would look dreadful giving the parents then leaving out one niece next year I agree.

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ThunderMum · 05/09/2019 11:16

I can’t think of an obvious way you can buy for two and not all three. Whatever you decide to do for one you should do for all three. Do they buy you presents in return? I assume they all live at home?

Why don’t you want to buy them presents anymore? Money, you don’t know what to get them, they don’t really appreciate...?

Great username btw!!

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 11:17

Are they not close enough family to buy for?

Luckily i wasn't the only one to want to stop adult gifts, so that's what happened.

We do the day out thing.

But under the circumstances, i don't think you can leave them out.

chamenanged · 05/09/2019 11:17

It would be weird and look tight to stop buying them presents at 21 if you still buy for the actual adults, their parents. If you only bought for children it would make more sense.

BlackCatSleeping · 05/09/2019 11:18

I think it’s awkward to stop if you are getting together to swap gifts. Can you not just give them a token gift or money or something?

KurriKurri · 05/09/2019 11:19

Could you give them a whole family present (like a board game or a hamper or similar ?).
It's not actually up to others to tell you who you have to buy presents for - it is your choice, so do what you want, they after all are doing exactly what they want to - why should the choice be all one way ?

KurriKurri · 05/09/2019 11:20

Do the adult neices buy you a present as a matter of interest or is it a one way thing ?

Babdoc · 05/09/2019 11:22

I sympathise OP. I have EIGHT nephews and nieces, and reached this point years ago!
My solution is to send each family group a single present, usually a hamper of Scottish delicacies (they live in England, I’m in Scotland), which they can all share.
Some years I simply donate to an appropriate charity on behalf of each family, and ask them to do the same for me.
I think you should just state what you will be doing as a fact, not ask for opinions or permission.
Tell them well before Christmas, so they can’t complain they weren’t warned and have bought you and your DC expensive gifts. Then just stick to your guns.

Drum2018 · 05/09/2019 11:24

Do you have kids? I'd just say you are not partaking in gift exchange from now on - for adults or kids. Tell them not to buy for you/your kids if you have any. If the family is meeting for gift exchange then skip it. I stopped exchanging gifts with adults in my family - just told them to leave me out. They still do it so they're not missing out on gifts.

Original poster
RogelioAndXo · 05/09/2019 11:25

N1 is at university, but goes home for the holidays and will likely return home after university. They're all still living at home.

No the nieces and nephew don't buy gifts. So I'll get a present and it will be collectively from parents plus N1, N2 and N3. But I'd buy them all separate presents iyswim. And my husband will get a gift from the five of them as well. (We don't have children.) Same with greetings cards - they're from the five of them.

I'm honestly not bothered that we buy five gifts and get two in return though - I've been really happy to do that while they've been children as I've really loved having nieces and a nephew. But, cost wise, I'd rather not do it for the rest of our lives.

We all spend around £25 per gift per person.

I've already suggested that we stop buying gifts and no one wants to.

OP posts:
lovelyupnorth · 05/09/2019 11:27

We stopped at 18 - had a mutual discussion with family no issues.

Original poster
RogelioAndXo · 05/09/2019 11:28

I like the idea of a single family present that they all share. That's a great idea.

OP posts:
Sleephead1 · 05/09/2019 11:30

What about one thing to share so say a movie night family hamper with a movie ,different snacks and drinks in ? Look on pinterest they have loads of these sort of ideas

Original poster
RogelioAndXo · 05/09/2019 11:30

I think you should just state what you will be doing as a fact, not ask for opinions or permission

Yes absolutely, this is the mistake I've made Blush. I suggested it and they all said no they like things as they are, and like the pushover I am, I said "Um, oh, ok then". (I know I know)

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/09/2019 11:33

We do it the other way around- once you have kids, it's the adults that stop getting, and the kids then get.

EllesBells123 · 05/09/2019 11:42

I'm surprised they don't buy you presents. I started buying presents for my aunts, uncles and cousins once I was 18. We have slowly phased it out since. Originally giving normal gifts (like perfume / clothes etc) then gradually over the years spending less so I bought them small gifts (like a bottle of wine for aunt and uncle / spirits for young adult cousins) and they bought me small gifts back. Once I had DS they stopped buying for me and I stopped buying for them and the aunts and uncles just send a token gift to DS.

I would just tell the parents you aren't buying them a present this year and tell them not to buy you one. If you really wanted you could just buy a token gift for each of the nieces to open so you don't feel like a total scrooge at present opening time but it isn't really necessary at their age.

user1493413286 · 05/09/2019 11:46

I would change it to token gifts to be honest then when the youngest is 18 stop them entirely.

Toooldtocareanymore · 05/09/2019 11:50

I'd second the whole family gift idea, its something we did when kids got to age that gifting was harder and harder and it seemed we were swapping endless envelopes of phone credit, vouchers and cash, over time we made the family gifts smaller as we stopped buying for all adults except my parents and pil, then some kids got too old. We keep it going for one sil though as she's a single parent of three, one 21 , 2 late teens ,and none of her kids ever made much of an effort so we felt she needs the reward more than her kids, but if we get her a present then she feels she has to get us both presents making it just another burden on her.

I know you suggested changing to a day out or meal and the idea was shot down but nothing stopping you getting them something like that their family can use. Over years we have done things like Panto tickets, other show tickets for later in year, cinema vouchers, a movie night home basket with dvds (later years net flicks voucher) popcorn , fizz and and treats . Family membership to zoo for year that's probably for younger kids but some random days out vouchers like alpaca trekking went down really well with teens.

bookmum08 · 05/09/2019 11:51

Lower your spend per person. £5 each. Get them books from The Works or somewhere.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 11:52

Why don't you want to buy them gifts any more? Is there an issue in the relationship? Or did you only buy them gifts when they were young because you felt you should but didn't wish to?

If it's grudged then you should stop. Don't say it's because uou don't want to, as that's likely going to cause offence.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 11:55

Sorry, you still want the adults to buy for each other, so you buy for the parents, they buy for you and you personally don't buy anything for the kids? You don't mention stopping buying for the adults in your op.

user1493494961 · 05/09/2019 11:56

Well at some point in the not too distant future it will escalate if the children have partners, I wouldn't want to be buying for niece/nephews' partners as well. Are there any charities that the young people support that you could give a donation to/buy something for on their behalf. Other than that, if you want to stop present buying altogether, say you're cutting back due to environmental concerns, a justifiable reason.

BlackCatSleeping · 05/09/2019 12:03

You don't mention stopping buying for the adults in your op.

The OP said she suggested they all stop buying presents for each other, but it didn't go down well.

I'd just get a family hamper for each family. There are loads to choose from.