As woodlice are detritivores.....

[Jux]

...and if you had a carpet which had seen the kitchen accidents of many years, if you got a (very) large herd of woodlice and set them loose on the carpet, would they clean it up?

And Fowls. Collective nouns aren't proud, they'll grab any old thing and describe it.

Why did I read this thread in bed? I am Woodlice phobic (not envy).

I think this has potential.

However - if you end up with a full herd, the chances are that they'll breed. Which is good, because it means more herds to hire out... BUT also means you'll need somewhere to corral your woodlice between assignments.

Also, continuous breeding may become unsustainable, at least from a space POV. Have you considered any contraceptives for your woodlice, to manage their numbers?

"conglomate" is a brilliant word. I will try to drop it into conversation today.

If you want a herd of woodlice, just come to me. We live in an ancient house and there are MILLIONS. I hoover them from the walls where they congregate and let them out into the hedge (much to my DH's amusement). I could easily pass them on to you, I can get several hundred in one go on a good night.

My friend calls them Chiselpigs.

I've come across that name, Humphrey. Yes please send me many! I have a fair few already, so between us we'll gather a full flock for testing purposes in no time.

Folks! Be ready for the latest cleaning phenomenon to appear on the market and you will have the pleasure of knowing you were there at the beginning, and helped?

Very sorry, @neweeeyebrows

CountSnackula, I have a strawberry plant which is big enough to feed, say, a small herd/flock/Conglobation of woodlice, so no problems there. I have a couple of chillis in a pot, and they've eaten one but not the other so know which one is producing the hotter fruit.... (though that may have been ants).

If resources are too scarce for them, the big ones will start eating the littler ones and then I'll throw mild chilli leaves at them.

Now, @Plasebeafleabite, we need to know excatly the dimensions of you mammoth woodlouse. Inches preferred, but mm OK

Woodlice has the greatest number of alternative and regional names of pretty much anything. If you Google, there are a couple of sites where people have tried to collate them all.

Apparently they eat their own droppings so you can cross that potential problem off your list.

I order them from eBay to keep my snails tank clean. I have some amazing white ones at the moment!

Isn't it fab, meglet! And as Errol pointed out ^^, they don't pee either!

White woodlice?! Are they albinos? I'll have to include at least a few of those in each Congloboration, then, merely to keep ahead of the competition, you understand. A USP, if you will.

Use the clicker method and a tasty treat. Surely most animals (and kids?) can be trained?

There's no standard collective noun for woodlice, but lice in general are a flock, colony or infestation. I think colony works best in this situation.

DH is Scottish and calls them Slaters. Can't say I've heard that anywhere else.

You get sea slaters, which are basically a type of wood louse which inhabit rock pools.

Everytime he sees a little group of them, he says 'oh look, a bunch of slaters' and I turn around expecting to see a lot of leopard print and overdone eye make up.

continuous breeding may become unsustainable, at least from a space POV. Have you considered any contraceptives for your woodlice, to manage their numbers?

Not if you sell off a small part herd when numbers become unsustainable. Then it's just self replenishing stock.

I love the 'shake and vac' idea - but if you're going to hoover anyway, the woodlice folk are redundant.

Also: what could you train as a sort of sheepdog equivalent to keep them focused / in the right area / from sloping off for a fag?

I think though that if they were eating their own poo they'd not be eating as much of the actual waste from your floor. The obvious answer is little woodlice nappies of course.

All I know about woodlice is that if you find many of them in a stately home, they're not eating the paintings or fine silks etc, but you probably do have a damp problem somewhere, as they're attracted to the damp. So, maybe that's how to herd them, you water the bit of carpet you want cleaning with a watering can.

I'm fascinated at them cleaning snail tanks! Do tell us more! You said white ones at the moment, do they take jobs on a rotary? Do woodlice experience racism?

Rota*

Ah, I like woodlice, they're quite sweet shuffling along. Apparently they can live up to the grand old age of 4 years - which is positively ancient for a crawly critter.

When I was a kid I found a heavily pregnant one once. I felt the need to rescue her as she couldn't walk properly as her bump was so big. All went well, until the delivery. One broke out and it was rather cute with its big black eyes... then it was joined by an unending supply of its siblings. I'm ashamed to say that I turfed mum and babies out the window as I'd panicked at the thought of my mam freaking out at me being responsible for all these woodlice in her house. Sorry mammy woodlice I was a crap midlicewife.

We made a nice little habitat for the pregnant one we found, so that DD and her friends could observe her and the hatchlings for a few days before liberating them into the garden.

Never occurred to me to press them into housework.

I must say that as they are a potential workforce and taking into account employment laws (notwithstanding Brexit), I feel that the Shake'n'Vac idea is not only illegal but positively cruel. I cannot stand by and allow this sort of talk.

Woodlice are people too you know.

That could be the strapline for my business.

We made a nice little habitat for the pregnant one we found

I think this is the bit I fucked up on with my pregnant charge ErrolTheDragon

I do like the idea of habitats for mummy woodlice. I shall keep an eye open amongst my Congloborations for pg mummies and separate them off to a special ward. The babies shall have access to the best nurseries - assuming the mummies want to go back to work for their own sanity, of course.