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Original poster

Depression and anxiety. Can’t face going to work tomorrow.

89 replies

Dandelion2476 · 01/09/2019 22:01

I think I have depression and anxiety. I’m so tense and wound up. I’m apathetic about things I used to love and find it hard to find joy in anything.

In particular all my feelings stem from work. My boss is a narcissistic bully who plays mind games with me. I’ve been in the same stressful and very senior role for the last seven years and have just had two weeks off. Every few minutes I’ve checked my email and felt tense. I’m permanently anxious something is wrong. I’ve had a few very curt messages which normally indicate a problem.

I’ve spent almost all afternoon in tears and I’ve just thrown up all my dinner. I can only describe it as feeling abject fear.

I just don’t know what to do but I can’t go on like this. My poor children and DH are only getting a shadow of myself. I’ve just done the NHS test online about depression and it suggested I have severe depression and anxiety. I’m in my mid forties and have never been diagnosed or had mental health issues in the past. This has been going on and getting increasingly worse over the last 12 months. I just have no resilience to deal with it.

I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.

There is no HR at my workplace so that is not an option, it’s a small company and I report into the owner.

OP posts:
Unsureofthescore113 · 02/09/2019 09:41

Hi op how’s it going? Did you go in today?

MT2017 · 02/09/2019 13:39

Advertising your job if off sick is outrageous. No wonder you are stressed.

I also went through something similar and was signed off for a few weeks. For me, it gave me the strength to go back (although my bully wasn't the owner and there were other people who supported me).

Please try and find something else. This is not good for you or your family Flowers

Life is just too bloody short to put up with this shit.

Original poster
Dandelion2476 · 02/09/2019 18:03

I went to work. I was shaking all the way to the office but got by. I’ve booked a days leave on Thursday (earliest I was allowed) and will go and see my GP then.

Thank you for the support. I really hope the GP can give me something to make less anxious and just feel something other than this black hole that sucks any joy away.

OP posts:
areyoureadytobestrong · 02/09/2019 18:38

I've also been there and I'm so angry for you.

I found it very difficult to leave and like you believed that "I’m worried if I’m off then that is it. My career is over." In fact I can beat you as I stood in the middle of the concourse at a major train station sobbing loudly that my career was "over". A kindly former boss found me a first new client and I set up on my own - it's been plain sailing ever since really (relatively speaking). My husband pointed out after about a year that "you don't cry any more".

The three things that helped me most were my husband, people who believed in me and reminded me I was good at what I do, and an excellent book on bullying which helped me see what was going on: Bully in Sight. www.amazon.co.uk/Bully-Sight-challenge-workplace-Overcoming/dp/0952912104?tag=mumsnetforu03-21. I wrote to the author afterwards to say thank you. He said that lots of people do.

In my particular case (which I appreciate may well differ from yours) the anxiety lifted the day I left. Apparently that's a sign that the mental trauma really is all on them.....the bullies....

Interestingly I'm now back where I would have been in my profession and delighted that I had to scale down to running my own small business for 15 years. I have no regrets. I will see the bully again for the first time in over a decade this year and am preparing myself. Rather satisfyingly, I've learnt on the grapevine that he recently applied for a job with another former victim who turned him down flat.

areyoureadytobestrong · 02/09/2019 18:39

can you tell us what your job is please?

shadypines · 02/09/2019 19:26

OP it's a very good idea to write it down for your GP and then you won't have to speak so much about it. You do not sound in any state to work and I think you will feel a bit better if you are taking some control by being off sick and giving yourself some breathing space to think what to do next. At the moment you are obvioulsy feeling overwhelmed and out of control and are not able to relax and think straight.

Please go off sick and get help, this is no way to live.

Original poster
Dandelion2476 · 02/09/2019 19:40

Thank you everyone for your support. I hope come Thursday when I get to the GP I can find some peace in my head, or at least have taken a step there.

@areyoureadytobestrong sorry I don’t want to put myself with details. It’s a fairly high stress, senior job that I also have a long commute for (1hr30m each way). I’m typically away from the house 6.30am-7.30pm each day. I don’t think that helps but I’ve done it 7 years so it doesn’t feel horrendous to me now.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 02/09/2019 19:45

I reached this point about six weeks ago although I had only been in a new job for five months. the final straw was my team leader humiliating me over something I didn't know and I broke down and went off sick and never went back. I am on anti-depressants and have gone back to my old job and feel so much better now. No job is worth risking your mental health for although I would probably speak to HR about your manager if you think they are the route of the problem .

ToLiveInPeace · 02/09/2019 20:11

Sorry for my slow reply. I didn't want to put you off taking medication because it realllly can help, but it can be a little tough to start with. Please talk to your doctor about all the options available to you and ask your loved ones to look after you.

You have options, even if it doesn't feel that way right now x

catflapuk · 02/09/2019 20:25

OP, the first step - calling in sick, resigning or whatever - is the most difficult. Once you are out you will soon ask yourself why you put yourself through this for so long.

Best of luck with finding your way.

catflapuk · 02/09/2019 20:28

ToLiveInPeace

There is no point going to HR. It's a small company and OP reports to the owner. HR will and can do nothing. It will just prolong OP's misery and frustration.

What are HR going to do? Fire the owner? It's poor advice.

FinallyHere · 02/09/2019 20:59

Nobody who leaves gets a reference. Company policy is to only confirm employment dates.

I work for an FTSE100 corporate. This is all we are allowed to provide for anyone. It's s non issue.

PPs are right. Get yourself to a GP and start opening up. Then start looking for a new role.

It will all work out fine. Your next role will be great.

ToLiveInPeace · 02/09/2019 22:18

(I think you meant someone else there, @catflapuk )

catflapuk · 02/09/2019 22:20

Yes, sorry!

Unsureofthescore113 · 02/09/2019 22:29

Hugs and a handhold op. Thinking of you and concerned about Tuesday and Wednesday, hope you’re able to get through those days and take the first steps in getting it resolved on Thursday, please keep us updated.

Original poster
Dandelion2476 · 03/09/2019 17:45

Heading home. Another day done and one to go. Felt quite tearful today and postponed a meeting as was finding it hard to compose myself. I got through though. I still just feel largely nothingness. I’m just blank.

OP posts:
RoseyOldCrow · 03/09/2019 17:52

@dandelion2476 - you are amazing! Many, many congratulations on getting through today. I hope you have a relaxing evening & sleep well x

Original poster
Dandelion2476 · 05/09/2019 08:39

Sat in the surgery car park in tears. No appointments today. I’m just not going to get any help with this.

OP posts:
Mumelie · 05/09/2019 08:50

I've just read through your thread OP and want to reach in and hug you. I've been there. It can and does get better but you need to put yourself first. Go back into that surgery and say you are desperate and must see a gp today. Cry if you feel like it. Please don't carry on as you are. X

ShirleyPhallus · 05/09/2019 08:58

Oh OP. Can you go back in and ask to be put on the cancellation list? Can you make an appt for a different day?

FWIW I have been in your position too, senior position, bullying boss. I just called in sick one day then a few days later went to the GP and they took one look at me and signed me off with stress. You can self certify for up to 5 days so I’d do that.

Your mental health is sooo much more important than this job

Original poster
Dandelion2476 · 05/09/2019 09:13

I have an appointment for tomorrow. I just feel disproportionately defeated having been getting through the week focusing on today. At least I’m not at work. Back home now and just want to stay in bed and cry all day but my DS certainly won’t allow that. I wish I could feel happy taking him out but I’m just going through the motions.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 05/09/2019 11:41

It's tough but sometimes if just putting one foot in front of the other is what you can do, then that is what there is to do.

Hope the appointment goes well tomorrow.

Incase you can't get the words out, I would take a screen shot of your original post and just hand the phone to the GP to get you started. They will know what questions to ask. All the very best.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/09/2019 12:15

Flowers. You’re wanting to stay at home and cry in bed all day. No job not even one that pays £2,000 pw is worth that.
Why is your cunting bullying boss being allowed to get away with this abuse, and It is abuse. As well as going to the GP you need to kick up a stink and raise hell.
Your boss is clearly on a power trip. Where would he/she be if all staff walked away this minute. As high and mighty as people think they are no company/work place can run efficiently without dedicated staff.

SanguinePenguin · 05/09/2019 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/09/2019 07:52

@Dandelion2476 how are you feeling this morn?

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