Depression and anxiety. Can’t face going to work tomorrow.

[Dandelion2476]

I think I have depression and anxiety. I’m so tense and wound up. I’m apathetic about things I used to love and find it hard to find joy in anything.

In particular all my feelings stem from work. My boss is a narcissistic bully who plays mind games with me. I’ve been in the same stressful and very senior role for the last seven years and have just had two weeks off. Every few minutes I’ve checked my email and felt tense. I’m permanently anxious something is wrong. I’ve had a few very curt messages which normally indicate a problem.

I’ve spent almost all afternoon in tears and I’ve just thrown up all my dinner. I can only describe it as feeling abject fear.

I just don’t know what to do but I can’t go on like this. My poor children and DH are only getting a shadow of myself. I’ve just done the NHS test online about depression and it suggested I have severe depression and anxiety. I’m in my mid forties and have never been diagnosed or had mental health issues in the past. This has been going on and getting increasingly worse over the last 12 months. I just have no resilience to deal with it.

I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.

There is no HR at my workplace so that is not an option, it’s a small company and I report into the owner.

Hi @Dandelion2476
Please do what previous posters have said & get yourself to the GP tomorrow morning...feeling anxious/depressed is nothing to be ashamed of, of course, but you can't find the words when you call in sick tomorrow it is OK to say "I am seriously unwell and I am trying to get an urgent GP appointment today" & leave it at that.
Show or read the GP what you have written here if you are struggling tomorrow-they will help you. Please don't feel bad-if you knew someone else was feeling this awful and have had such a prolonged and horrendous time, & had hung in there and not taken time off previously I am hopeful you would tell them to get themselves sorted?
for you.

I've just read your update @Dandelion2476 - that is awful. How long have you worked at this place?
It is easy for randoms on the internet to say when you have bills to pay but it really is the case that your wellbeing is the most important thing here and you can't carry on like this. I have been there.
The GP might be able to advise what to put on a note to get you some breathing space? (I know they can't lie obviously but they might not have to say ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION).

I’ve worked there seven years. I’m worried if I’m off then that is it. My career is over.

Okay , I have been where you are and it is awful.

I was lucky, I had an understanding boss and a no nonsense gp. I took seven weeks off work, and spent most of it on the sofa crying. But I got through it. I moved to a different role when I went back to work and a year later I am much better.

I now know the signs to look out for, I work 8am to 6pm and only take work home in exceptional circumstances.

Is tough p, but your body is screaming at you enough is enough.

Take some time, recover, then plan an escape.

This will pass, you will get better, but you need to take some time, get some counselling and get better,

Your career is not over. I thought that too.

You are ill. If you broke your leg you would take a few weeks off. This is no different.

Why would your career be over?

I agree with @Dandelion2476 - get a GP appt tomorrow and just say to work you’re not well. You need to get some help with this. The worry is that, if you don’t, you’re going to have some sort of breakdown and that’ll be a lot more difficult to overcome. I’m genuinely not saying that to freak you out, but it is a real possibility.

They cannot sack you for this - if they do, then you’d have a very good case against them. But don’t fixate on that just now. Please just promise yourself that you’ll not go to work tomorrow and will instead go to the GP.

I’ve been there. Very similar situation about 9 years ago and I ignored it. It built up and up until one day I physically couldn’t get out the door. I was all dressed, briefcase packed and coat on.......... and I stood unable to open the door. I ended up being off for six weeks - my first ever sick line in 25 years at the time, but so what? I needed it. I only wished I’d gone to the GP earlier.

My heart goes out to you

try to leave the job in good terms to get a reference and try to find another job. this one is making you ill.
in the meantime definitely go to your gp and some treatment.

I think other posters are right. You can't carry on like this. Call in sick tomorrow maybe just say you've picked up a sickness bug from the kids or something and get an appointment at the GP and take it one day at a time.

Nobody who leaves gets a reference. Company policy is to only confirm employment dates.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Worrying about your job so much is part of your anxiety. Please go to the GP. I ended up having a massive breakdown so I would urge you to seek help before this happens. I now take sertraline and it has transformed my life. I never believed in anti depressants but now I wish I had taken them sooner. Good luck xx

OP, I have been in your shoes.

Yes, go to the GP. If you keep dragging yourself into work, sooner or later your body and mind will shut down completely. You will be out of action for months!! That breakdown will come if you do not act NOW and listen to your body.

I don't know what your profession is - you say your career will be over!?

I suggest you call in sick and milk it (stay on sick leave as long as possible before resigning/getting fired). Let your mind rest and recover a bit, then sit with DH/friends to consider your options jobwise. In the meantime, do not check email, do not take calls. You are putting yourself and your family first by doing that. You need to leave this job as long as you have some energy left to keep going (or shall i say exist) and start something else.

Doing this will feel good after just a few days, your head will be clearer. I suggest you still think of doing some therapy to figure out what got you in this situation in the first place and how to avoid it.

Good luck! DO NOT GO THERE TOMORROW

Absolutely agree with catflapuk. You really must not go in. I was in your shoes and ended up having a breakdown and a year of not working. I had a great career. I now do something different for a fraction of the pay but am much happier. You MUST not go in. You MUST go to the gp. Take it one day at a time but first and foremost give yourself a break X

Oh Dandelion, you have my sympathy, d&a are horrible illnesses & rarely understood until you experience them
I've been exactly where you are & I promise that, once you start the process off by talking to your gp, things will begin to improve.
You have all sorts of legal employment protection so please don't worry about that for now.
It's also quite common for employers to simply confirm dates of employment & not give the more traditional style of verbal / written reference, your company isn't the exception at all & nor is it considered sinister.
Please, just go & get the help you deserve and start to get well again.

Don't worry about references, my company didn't do that either. I just explained that to my next employer and asked work colleagues to give personal references x

Go to the GP, get signed off. Work can't do anything about that, at least for the short term. Whilst you are off, seek advice on what your rights are as far as your job is concerned, Citizens Advice maybe? And also start looking for another job straight away.

This is going to sound harsh

But if you won’t help yourself than who else is?????

You only get one life, and as you say your sons 3

Sort it, Gp fuck work

OP, I hope you're doing OK. Time off work is what you really need but as others have said, please see your GP even if that's not an option. If you are prescribed antidepressants, be aware that they can make things worse before they get better (and warn your loved one about this). But they absolutely can make all the difference.

Also, please you stop checking your emails outside of work hours unless absolutely necessary (and definitely not when you're on holiday). It won't really help you feel in control, it just feeds the anxiety more.

In the longer term... Your employers seem like absolute bastards, so even aside from this particular boss, do you really want to work for people like that?

Take care x

Thank you all. Can’t sleep.

What do you mean by medication can make things worse before it gets better? That worries me because I can’t imagine worse than this.

Hi OP - I hope you're ok. I could have written your message. Word for word. Narcissistic boss / private owner / paranoia over mind game messages. I too was in a very senior position. Yes of course see a gp today and yes it is most likely that he or she will suggest anti depressants to help realign things. This is treating the symptom though and not the cause. No job is worth this type of stress and anxiety. Trust me. I eventually Confronted my boss and left. Others left too. I think you are so beaten down by this you feel worthless and that no one will hire you. This is simply not the case. Life goes on and you will get another job. And that's what this is - a job. Unless you have a shareholding in the company and a vested interest as a result, it's a job. Even with the latter. Resign from the board and just leave. Sometimes we ourselves have to take control, close the door and open another. New opportunities will present themselves. But you must be free from this pressure first. My heart literally goes out to you - I've been there. X

I've been here too. I was so fraught that I wasn't a great employee (in my mind, at least. Outwardly I was probably performing just about as needed) and I was an absolutely dreadful mother as I just couldn't take on the extra 'work' that came with parenting when my mind was completely absorbed with work 24/7. When you have kids you have a full time job before you even leave the house!

I saw the GP and self referred for therapy (CBT). I resigned, worked my notice period and left with no new job and despite these circumstances a huge weight lifted. Best thing I could have done for my mental health and to be a better parent too. I now earn less but am so much happier. Good luck OP, hope you are able to make that first step to change your story.

most employers in the private ssector just confirm job title and dates these days

Nowadays, it is normal to just confirm job title and employment dates.

Your career is not over. But for your sake and that of your family, you need to leave your present position. No shame in that.

Start looking for a job straightaway. Everything is online so you can do this from your sofa. The jobs indeed website is a good place to start.

Good luck

OP, how are you today? Are you at home?

Just wanted to offer my support.
Sounds like you have got into this position gradually and are unable to get out now as all the steps seem too big.
Things will be fine, I promise.
Go to your GP, get signed off and take each day at a time.
No job is worth losing your son over