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Original poster

Back to school! I'm so stressed

57 replies

RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:01

I've never posted on here but I am so stressed

Son aged 13 (has asd and anxiety) hasn't been to school since December 2017. Since he was in year 7. He got ill at the end of the first term and then never attended for the rest of the year. He never attended in year 8 except a week in Feb in my partners car (my oh is a teacher and had Feb half term off but my son is in a special school so his school had it the week before). It was stressful because we had to find ways to take him to places first and then to school. Like the first day it was the dentist as he had an appointment. The Tuesday we took him to watch the buses and then to school. The Wednesday he refused because he realised our plan. The Thursday he was refusing but then wanted to go to McDonald's so we took him and then to school. And the Friday he went to watch the buses and then McDonald's then the school.

The school don't have anything else to suggest and education have threatened to give us a fine because he is not attending.

And have even suggested my partner use force (he isn't his biological dad but treats son like his own and son calls him dad as his dad isn't on the scene and partner had been in his life since he was about 7).

Partner has now quit his job and is going to work from home so if need be he can be here to drive him in or stay with him so I can go back to uni my son has a taxi though.

He's going back to school this week and I know he will probably have a meltdown. Or not to at all

😞😞

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/09/2019 12:08

Why not just home school him? Surely you must have been doing that anyway? He can’t have been missing education entirely for nearly two years?

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:11

The school said they would send some work home for him but they haven't.

If I home schooled him he wouldn't leave the house. As it's hard to get him to leave the house now

He stays at home watching YouTube on his I pad but plays some maths games/ education games

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/09/2019 12:11

I would consider home schooling too.

Or a different setting? Is he able to verbalise what the issue is that would help.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families General education Secondary education
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/09/2019 12:13

It’s not the school’s job to send work home. It’s a parent’s responsibility to ensure their child receives an education. You need to do this at home if you can’t get him to school.

I’m actually gobsmacked by your attitude tbh.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:14

No he can't say what's wrong because he has very limited speech.

We knew he was ill back in the December because all he wanted to do is sleep and was showing signs of being ill. But then when school came back after Christmas he just kept saying no school and running upstairs to hide.

OP posts:
HotFeet · 01/09/2019 12:21

Obviously he's got autism so you need an educational psychologist. If your oh is a teacher he'll know people to speak to and know there's all sorts of groups, help out there if you look? He sounds like he's got very severe autism so you're probably just going to have to give into him.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:24

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

I can't force him. He refused to attend after Christmas and I used to help him get dressed and he took all his clothes off again and refused. He used to shout no school and run upstairs. If I tried to 'forced' (just told him) him to get in the taxi he would say no school and end up having a meltdown.

I don't drive either

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 01/09/2019 12:28

Speak with school about a return to education plan. What can they offer, eg reduced timetable? Contact your local education access team, or do this via school. See what alternatives can be offered, eg smaller setting, a few hours of tuition in core subjects per week.
Keep school onside. Discuss a return to education plan and request regular meetings to discuss progress. If progress is not being made at getting him back into mainstream school, school can request support from education access, but there needs to have been concerted, documented attempts to try a return to mainstream first.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/09/2019 12:29

I haven’t said force or anything about school, I said you need to be providing him with an education. Home school, private, tutor, a different setting..... YouTube whilst you flounce off to university is not acceptable.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:31

@HotFeet all the professionals involved don't have anything else to suggest. For example SS, school and people at his respite.

He had a TA at school and in the taxi (same person) but he stopped attending.

OP posts:
Sharko · 01/09/2019 12:37

How is he going to manage school when he has missed two years of education?

Seriously, have you not done any learning with him whilst he has not been attending school?

You are prioritising your own education over your sons and I find that abysmal.

ChipInTheSugar · 01/09/2019 12:37

Have a look at the FB group Not Fine In School. I would also second seeing CAHMS if you can get an appt (did they give the autism diagnosis?) and see if they can give him something for his anxiety. Whilst that is so high, he won't be going anywhere!

Are there any hospital schools in your area? Or could you start the process for an EHCP? (Not an easy route to go, but may help in the end). Speak to your local SENDIASS.

Do you get DLA for him? If your partner has given up work he could apply for Carers Allowance.

Poor kid, he sounds totally stressed out. I would suggest an "unschooling" process to rid him of the anxiety, and home school from there.

I think unless you've had an anxiety-based school refuser, it's difficult to understand what it's like, but you need to get some professionals involved to help and be on your side.

Pinkblueberry · 01/09/2019 12:37

all the professionals involved don't have anything else to suggest. For example SS, school and people at his respite.

Then I don’t know what you want to hear from us random people on the internet. Sounds like one of these posts where lots of people offer advice and the OP has a reason ready for declining all of it. As others have said, homeschool or provide a tutor if you can afford - sounds like your only option at the moment.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:42

We were trying a reduced time table but he was refusing to go in the first place. He doesn't go to mainstream and his classroom only has about 9 children including him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:49

He won't do homeschooling because he won't go out anywhere then.

CAHMS have prescribed medication that he's just started taking.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:55

He goes to a special school so he won't be doing usual stuff like a neurotypical child in year 9 will be doing

And I haven't been homeschooling him. He's being playing on his Ipad and playing educational games and watching videos.

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/09/2019 13:28

You say you won’t homeschool because he would never leave the house so...

Where is he going now then?

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 13:56

Before school in February we took him to different places.

And he occasionally wants to go to the bus station to watch the buses come and leave. And McDonald's. I don't take him alone to the shops anymore because he has a meltdown if the thing he wants isn't there or because he doesn't want to walk.

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 01/09/2019 13:57

I'm assuming he has an EHCP in place to be at the special school. When is your annual review?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/09/2019 13:57

Why can’t you do those things whilst home schooling?

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 14:07

He had his review in February that's why on one of the days it was important for him to be in school. But they said they don't have anything to suggest as they are out of ideas

If we home schooled he wouldn't go out for days and then it would be hard for us to get him out

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 01/09/2019 14:08

Is he able to communicate what the problem is? What's causing the anxiety? Most people say "school" but what they actually mean is the lighting, or the noise, or the expectation of producing work. "School" is too big a concept, it's usually one or more factors that are experienced in that setting.

I don't believe that school have no ideas of what to do. They do. You and school need to come up with an achievable plan and try it. The one you used to have about doing something before school then going afterwards sounded great, maybe it could be reworked. If it does not work after several attempts, then try another plan. All needs to be recorded and brought up at your annual review, or request an interim review if that's too far ahead.

HarrietSchulenberg · 01/09/2019 14:19

If you are adamant you can't get him to leave the house, explore the education access route. They could possibly provide a few hours a week of English and Maths tuition.

Alternatively, think of homeschooling properly and taking him off roll at his school. This will remove the risk of being fined but, to be brutally honest, from what you've said I'm not convinced you have the set up to provide a decent education for him. You could think of using an online provider such as InterHigh but they're pricey. You might be able to use your EHCP funding to do this but you'll need to discuss with the SENCO at school and your local authority's SEN team.

Good luck.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 14:21

He can't say what's causing the anxiety. It could be a number of things that built up and then he got sent home because he was ill and then realised he didn't have to go.

I think he learnt about that plan though because he refused one of the days and then the next day he refused but he wanted to go out so we took him to school after. But then the following week when partner was at work he kept saying no school and no car etc.

OP posts:
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 14:44

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