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Original poster

Back to school! I'm so stressed

57 replies

RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 12:01

I've never posted on here but I am so stressed

Son aged 13 (has asd and anxiety) hasn't been to school since December 2017. Since he was in year 7. He got ill at the end of the first term and then never attended for the rest of the year. He never attended in year 8 except a week in Feb in my partners car (my oh is a teacher and had Feb half term off but my son is in a special school so his school had it the week before). It was stressful because we had to find ways to take him to places first and then to school. Like the first day it was the dentist as he had an appointment. The Tuesday we took him to watch the buses and then to school. The Wednesday he refused because he realised our plan. The Thursday he was refusing but then wanted to go to McDonald's so we took him and then to school. And the Friday he went to watch the buses and then McDonald's then the school.

The school don't have anything else to suggest and education have threatened to give us a fine because he is not attending.

And have even suggested my partner use force (he isn't his biological dad but treats son like his own and son calls him dad as his dad isn't on the scene and partner had been in his life since he was about 7).

Partner has now quit his job and is going to work from home so if need be he can be here to drive him in or stay with him so I can go back to uni my son has a taxi though.

He's going back to school this week and I know he will probably have a meltdown. Or not to at all

😞😞

OP posts:
hopeishere · 01/09/2019 16:50

But even if he's not being "home schooled" he's still at home all day anyway Confused

Have you met with the school / EA etc to try and work out a strategy.

viques · 01/09/2019 17:19

Is "no school" , "no Car" typical of his communication OP? I can see why he is finding school so very difficult. Even in a special school these are very limited expressions. Does he use makaton or another way to support his speech?

Presumably because he has been in special educatigmmon since Y7 (where was he for primary btw?) he has had assessments made about what he needs to support learning. I think you now need to be getting pushy with the school and the LA about his needs, if you can't get him into school then the school needs to be looking at how he can access outreach learning, through tutors, home visits etc. At the very least I think they should be providing suitable home support for him. FIrstly he needs help with communication, so SALT intervention, He also needs support with his anxiety and social skills, academic learning won't happen unless these are addressed first.

Time is of the essence, he only has a few years of statutory education left before your LA washes their hands of him and you are left caring for him 24/7 with no support.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 18:00

Yes it's his typical communication. For primary we were in a different area (it was before I met partner) and he was in mainstream (although was in a very small group) then we moved in with partner to his area and he attended a special school but it was only a primary school unfortunately. And then he moved to the school he is at now.

The only thing the school suggested was a reduced time table and only half days but if he did half days he wouldn't go in he first place

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families General education Secondary education
MrsAmaretto · 01/09/2019 18:09

Residential special school? You really need to meet with all his support - SW, school etc, you clearly aren’t coping with his needs currently and need intervention with this situation.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 21:02

No it isn't a residential special school. I had a meeting with everyone but they said they have nothing to suggest.

OP posts:
bookmum08 · 01/09/2019 21:23

Home schooling doesn't have to be staying at home doing curriculum based work books.
He likes buses. So go to the bus station. Learn where all the buses go, how to read the timetable, plan a journey, go on that journey.
He likes Mcdonalds. Go to Mcdonalds. Concentrate on learning how to order, how much money you need, how much change you should get.
Things like that are all 'home schooling'.
But really you need to talk properly with his school to get a plan in place - could he have a home tutor provided? It seems odd the school has left it so long.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 01/09/2019 22:06

They did say they would get someone who would come to meet him at home first and do a bit of work with him over summer but then when he goes back to school they would go with him in the taxi and in school. But that never happened.

He's meant to go back tomorrow (only until 1.30/2 though and the full day Tuesday).

If he doesn't go we will take him to the bus station again and help him know where the busses go. He knows where some go as he watches it on YouTube.

OP posts:
hopeishere · 02/09/2019 07:54

I don't wan to be rude but you seem very passive in all this. Why were you not calling and calling and insisting the tutor / help was in place?

What have you done over the summer to prepare him for school.

You can't just let everyone abandon your child.

I have a kid with SN and all is well now but if there was a problem I'd be straight on the phone.

Roselilly36 · 02/09/2019 08:08

It must be a very tough time for you and your DS.

Has your DS seen an Ed Psychologist, I know not every LA has access to one, but I think if I was in your position I would be pushing for that.

My DS saw a ED Psych privately for assessment as our LA did not have one at the time, it was quite expensive £420 around 8 years ago. If you have private health insurance they may agree to pay part of the cost. School followed the suggestions made in his report.

I hope you find the right solution for your son, I know how difficult it can be. Good luck.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 02/09/2019 09:27

We met with someone at the start of the holidays but school/council hasn't done anything. School has been closed so couldn't phone them

We have been reminding him he's going to school. But yesterday he said no. So far he's been refusing by saying no school and refusing to get dressed.

OP posts:
NozyStar · 02/09/2019 17:05

Did he go?

if he has the communication skills he can plan a day out.

You can also get him to help with the shopping like writing a list with you (it is writing/English) and going round the shop and getting stuff off the shelves reading the list

That is homeschooling

hopeishere · 02/09/2019 17:10

OK the school might be closed but the council wasn't - did you phone them? You really need to take control and sort this out.

formerbabe · 02/09/2019 18:04

I'm sorry to sound critical because it must be an incredibly difficult situation, but you sound so passive.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 02/09/2019 21:04

I called the council but the lady on education wasn't there.

He didn't go today and he kept saying 'no school', 'no car' and 'no bus'. He wanted to go to the bus station but it 1 so there was no point in taking him for 30 minutes.

Tomorrow we are going to try but I doubt he will go as we told him and he shouted no

OP posts:
BobbyPuck · 02/09/2019 21:10

.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 02/09/2019 21:11

So what are you going to do OP?

Original poster
RoyalCat · 02/09/2019 21:16

I'm not sure.

Because I'm thinking of taking his Ipad and DS and not letting him have them until after school time. But I'm not sure if that's cruel.

Don't know what else to do if it is cruel

OP posts:
TooMuchEyeliner · 02/09/2019 23:00

As your DS is in a special school I will assume he has an EHCP. First thing to do is ask the LA for an early review. Make it clear that things need to change as he is currently receiving no education. He either needs a new package of support or a new school.

Start looking at other schools to see if you can find somewhere more suitable.

Contrary to what PP said, if your son is unable to attend school due to anxiety, it is the LA's responsibility to ensure he receives an education and to continue to make the provision in the EHCP. Contact the Director of Children's Services at your LA and make them aware of the situation.

Get some independent advice from your local IASS, IPSEA or SOS SEN.

Try not to take some of the other comments on this thread to heart - it's hard to understand if you haven't been in the situation Flowers

bookmum08 · 03/09/2019 07:45

If your son didn't turn up at school then surely they must have contacted you? If they didn't are you sure he is still registered at that school?
You need to go to the school and find out what is going on. Not phone but actually go to school. Not your son just you.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 03/09/2019 07:56

Contrary to what PP said, if your son is unable to attend school due to anxiety, it is the LA's responsibility to ensure he receives an education and to continue to make the provision in the EHCP.

In a lovely fluffy world, yes. But they’re not.

The OP is her child’s voice, she’s his advocate and the only one exclusively on his side, always.

I guarantee if this was my child I would be (and to a lesser extent for my own child with SEN, I already have been) tearing down walls to get him the education he deserves. If that meant putting my own university plans on hold to teach him myself then so be it. The OP seems to be watching life pass by her child.

As it stands this child is falling more and more behind his own potential with every week that goes by and I find that unacceptable.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 03/09/2019 09:24

They didn't phone to see why he wasn't there because he hasn't been attending for a while so they know why he didn't attend yesterday

OP posts:
TravellingSpoon · 03/09/2019 09:55

You sound worn down OP, and I feel for you. There are some strong opinions on this thread and you are getting a bit of a hard time.

However from my own experience, you have to be the champion of your son. You need to be calling every day, emailing, getting on everyone's nerves so they provide you with support. LA's are awful, but they will treat you how you let them. Talk to your MP, make a fuss. Do anything and everything you can to get them to listen to you. Its about ££.

My son was out of school for 4months. I had to do what I have described or we would still be sitting here 2 years later. Home schooling inst for everyone. It wouldn't work for us. There are only so many times we can go to Costa. He is a whizz at ordering what he wants and great at learning life skills, but as soon as anything feels educational he shuts down.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 03/09/2019 10:04

OP, you should look into what home schooling is, as I don’t think from your comments that you understand it. You could have been giving him a varied, outdoorsy, life-enhancing experience over the last few years, building his confidence and his abilities. You only get one shot of this and you really need to step up for your son’s sake. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
RoyalCat · 03/09/2019 11:12

Homeschooling wouldn't work for us. When he started refusing school I would take him to the park everyday just for him to get fresh air. But now he refuses to go out. He only goes out once or twice a week to McDonald's or the bus station. But if it's to the supermarket or anywhere else he refuses.

OP posts:
TooMuchEyeliner · 03/09/2019 12:13

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat I get that and yes the OP needs to be proactive in contacting people and getting things sorted. However, she also needs to know who to talk to and what her rights are.

The decision to home ed shouldn't be taken lightly and if the OP says it won't work then she shouldn't even attempt it, especially when the LA and school have responsibilities to provide an education.

@RoyalCat please do speak to the Director of Children's Services at your LA and the school, and get some independent advice and support. This can be sorted but you need to be putting in a lot of work.

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