I know I’m an extreme case at 14 years....

[BertrandRussell]

......but why do so many people have children so soon after starting a relationship? I’m not advocating 13 years as standard and I know that accidents happen. But why would you choose to have a baby after only knowing someone a few months- or even a year?

It happened that I waited a long while also, but I was very naive about the risks of relationship breakdown. It's only since I have been a parent that I have spent enough time with other parents to see how difficult the consequences of splitting up can be when you have children. It just wasn't something I thought about.

I've known couples who've done it both ways, and neither are happy (or still together).

The couple who had children very quickly - it was at her instigation. Met and she was pregnant in less than a year, she really wanted children, DP wasn't quite so sure. The sleepless nights and endless arguments about money broke them up.

The couple who'd been together fifteen years, they'd had multiple miscarriages prior to treatment that led to their DD. Unfortunately, again, the sleepless nights and lack of money after having been relatively stable for all those years, broke them up.

So I don't think there is any right answer. Some people just find having kids hard, and even relationships of long duration, where you'd think the couple knew each other inside out, can't withstand the grenade of an unpredictable screaming baby.

I worked with someone who got pregnant on a tinder date or as near as dammit. They've got two kids now and are living the middle class family dream all over Instagram.

But generally I think to some people having kids is a nice, cool thing to do. As opposed to the biggest decision of their lives with consequences that will reverberate until death.

I'm in the reverberate until death club.

DH and his ex had an accidental pregnancy after being together 3 months. They made a go of it but split up when DSC was 3. He and I waited nearly 7 years before having children as he was naturally quite cautious.

I always wonder why people have children so close together, surely it makes sense to have a gap of around 4/5 years between each child

I think most people have children closer together so they can play together? It also makes life easier when planning family outings/holidays etc as with a bigger age gap it's harder to find things that interest both DC. I had mine 2.5 years apart so the eldest was entitled to 15 free hours of childcare by the time the youngest started nursery.

• I always wonder why people have children so close together, surely it makes sense to have a gap of around 4/5 years between each child so that you’ve got a gap in paying nursery fees/teenage expenses/university fees and you can really enjoy each one growing up rather than lumping the stages of each child all together.

When I said this to a friend she worked out that when her oldest is starting uni her middle child will be doing A-levels and the youngest will be doing GCSEs and she’d never thought that far ahead*

I decided that I couldn't give up bodily autonomy, financial independence and career progression for 10 years just to have two dc. So shoot me

Russian don't be trapped. Get help for your relationship or get out. Dc deserve a happy mother

I'm not going to be really arrogant and blame the entire thing on exh but when he came along he said all the right words and I fell for it hook line and sinker. I was stupid enough to believe him.
Had a baby before we'd been together a year but he left before our child was 3.
A few months before he left we were discussing another baby. Thank God I was older then.
I don't regret my child with him for 1minute but I'll admit I got carried away.

DH and I started trying after less than a year, had DS just less than two years, still happily married 7 years later. I haven’t been able to conceive number 2 so I’m glad we didn’t wait around. I was 33 when we met, and he was 36.

My parents were similar (though a lot younger when they met) and were happily married for 37 years until one of them died.

This is such a judgemental thread. Posters have expressed incredulity at people who conceive quickly, people who wait for ages, people who don't space their children out with a wide gap (wtf?) and people who get married after having children not before. I feel like any minute now someone is going to come along and say it's foolish and irresponsible to put your body through multiple miscarriages and why does anyone do it.

Not everyone gets a choice about these things. Not everyone makes the same choices you do or would. Maybe your way is not the only way.

I think it's a great idea for people to express their incredulity about really obvious things online, where people are more likely to just tell them the obvious than in real life.

InvernessAdventure Mon 26-Aug-19 09:20:45
This is such a judgemental thread. Posters have expressed incredulity at people who conceive quickly, people who wait for ages, people who don't space their children out with a wide gap (wtf?) and people who get married after having children not before. I feel like any minute now someone is going to come along and say it's foolish and irresponsible to put your body through multiple miscarriages and why does anyone do it.

Not everyone gets a choice about these things. Not everyone makes the same choices you do or would. Maybe your way is not the only way.

Most people do have a choice though, even if that choice was to be "lax" about contraception. Folk are entitled to their opinions. I think it's an interesting topic the OP has posted about.

I have no children and don't want any, so infinity for me... But XH's OW was pregnant before the ink had dried on our decree nisi and the divorce went through quite quickly! Reckon 7/8 months. What a great foundation for a relationship....

Plenty of reasons people do it, some feel a new relationship isn’t one without a child, they don’t want to work, want to keep the partner and feel a baby will do that, age, not using contraception properly etc.

A child is a huge decision, emotionally and financially yet so many give no thought to that whatsoever.

I waited until we were financially secure, had a stable home and I knew DH was the one I wanted as the father of my children so it was a good few years.

I waned a lot of children from age 14 (and a career). I knew if I wanted a lot I couldn't wait until I was older. I have 5 lovely children and had we waited 14 years I am not sure we would have managed five of them. Also I really wanted a baby so would not have been happy to wait a long time (always worked full time even with babies so it did not affect my career etc).

We were together a year, got married, had DD1 a year later and DD2 18 months after. It just felt right. Still does. We wanted to be together, we wanted to raise a family. We were lucky that it worked that way.

though it would have been nice to not have GCSE/GCSE/A level/A level - 4 consecutive years of hell...

It makes no difference, I had been with my exh 7 years by the time we had ds, married 2, he was still a knob head and we split after 11 years when dd was 2 months old. Time together first doesn't equal staying together.

@raspberryk I have a few friends who split up despite waiting a number of years, I think some men don't show their true colours until they've had a child.

I only know one person this has happened too and she's just turned 29 and planning her 5th. The rest of where I live have all generally been together a few years before marrying then another couple before starting their families. I was with DH 7 years before marrying and another two before having my eldest.

Having kids is a huge decision.

Many put little or no thought or planning into it. Sometimes it works out but mostly it ends up pretty awful for the kids concerned.

This thread is in pretty stark contrast to all the “I met DH, moved in a month later and we are still together 30 years later” threads

@namby I agree, mine used the kids as a way of controlling me and carried on his no kids lifestyle without me.
Karma happens though, he now has 2 kids living with him full time a step daughter and a new baby, plus our 2 at the weekends and I am the one that gets the kid free time now.

No, most people do not get a choice about age gaps between children. The idea that it's somehow the 'norm' to meet someone, get married after a respectable interval, conceive your first child after a suitably long time, and then space your children out according to some abstruse principle that sees them not too close and not too far apart, and that you get exactly what you choose is the kind of middle class nonsense only spouted by very judgemental people. Presumably you're also building your career, paying off the mortgage on a suitably sized house (so that none of your children has to suffer the indignity of a shared bedroom), and paying into your pension at a responsible rate while all this family planning is going on too (and never, ever becoming financially dependent on your partner, of course).

Honestly, only on Mumsnet!

the kind of middle class nonsense only spouted by very judgemental people

What?!? I don't understand your reaction here unless you have had some trouble conceiving and are angry with everyone else who hasn't.

I know loads of people who did just what you said. Got married, had a child roughly when they wanted and then another one or two roughly when they wanted. We certainly did. Of course there are people who struggle. Several of my friends had to wait much longer than planned or never got their first or maybe second baby. But to suggest that the idea of "family planning" being only on mn, for the middle class judgemental people, says far more about you than anything else.

Met December baby November.

Four kids later....

We are still together!

ExH's ow was pregnant within 9 months of them getting together. I think she thought it would help cement their relationship. According to him their ds was not planned. I think he was by her. Then I got pregnant with my new partner (who I'd known for 26 years) and as soon as I gave birth, as predicted exH announced his gf was pregnant again. Another unplanned pregnancy. I might have believed one was unplanned but I'm not stupid. He's told the kids that one was planned and one wasn't but no one believes him. His gf is an idiot to believe having babies will keep him with her seeing as he walked out on our two DDs. They are very unhappy but financially trapped.

For some that biological urge is impossible to ignore. There's no logic to it, it's pure primal need to have a baby. Add in the emotions of being in love and people are careless. Men also seem very happy to leave contraception up to the woman and believe that its 100% effective, refuse to use condoms then act all surprised and horrified when their partner gets pregnant (as was my case). Still, ds is the best thing that ever happened to me. His dad is a waster who didn't want him and has nothing to do with him as is his choice. However I have no regrets as my boy is amazing and very happy and loved by me and his big sisters.