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Original poster

I know I’m an extreme case at 14 years....

107 replies

BertrandRussell · 26/08/2019 07:11

......but why do so many people have children so soon after starting a relationship? I’m not advocating 13 years as standard Grin and I know that accidents happen. But why would you choose to have a baby after only knowing someone a few months- or even a year?

OP posts:
Greyhound22 · 26/08/2019 08:33

Me and DH were discussing this the other day. We know someone who gets pregnant within 12 months of meeting each new partner - now onto kid number 5 with bloke number 4. Agro with all previous partners.

I also take most of the 'contraception fails' I read about to mean 'didn't take contraception properly because secretly wanted this to happen' you see on here all the time 'missed a couple of pills didn't think it would matter'

I think there are a number of reasons - wanting to 'trap' the other partner (both ways) I've heard a particularly unpleasant man saying 'I've got her pregnant now she can't go anywhere', it being a trend in families and I see a lot through my work of women not wanting to work to be honest so every time there's a danger of the JC sending them back to work or they are better placed to job search they become magically pregnant again. This can be by a very new partner. These views are not going to be popular on here but are often what I see - I'm not saying it's just laziness that means women don't want to work either - it can be fear - not having worked before/having to manage without/with less benefits etc.

I think it's a huge risk having a child with a man you've know for a very short period of time. I had been with DH 7 years before we had DS. I understand that sometimes older couples don't have the time to wait and I can understand the 'fuck it lets go for it' chance taking then but a lot of the women I see do this are a lot younger.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 26/08/2019 08:35

I don't mind the gap between meeting and having a child. What I don't understand is people who feel the need to have a child with every person they date. So there's a whole heap of children linked by mother or father.

My own children have a whole heap of half / step siblings (they are the eldest and I didn't know it would end up like this). I can't keep up with it all.

cookiechomper · 26/08/2019 08:36

Sometimes it happens. I fell pregnant about 8 weeks after meeting my husband, I already had 3 children. We were using condoms but were lax about it as I didn't think I would fall pregnant so quickly as I took 12 and 14 months to conceive my second and third children. Everything worked out well for us, we're a happy family with a busy, noisy household.

ArthurMorgan · 26/08/2019 08:37

We had major contraception failure after 3 weeks.

We're still together though 6 years later Grin

mordecaithomas · 26/08/2019 08:38

In all honesty, I've been thinking for a while that the younger generation of men are getting worse. I'm 28, and am yet to come across a couple that are doing well and are stable together. I have children and am happily single and can't see myself being in a relationship because of that. It's almost more "socially acceptable" for men to walk away from children these days. No one bats an eyelid these days when it happens and it's depressing.

Mumshappy · 26/08/2019 08:39

I've been pregnant twice despite being on the pill.dd15 and ds 16 months. Only dd8 was planned. Ds16 months was a massive shock and potential life changer for me. I wasnt happy to be pregnant. However he is my world and I adore him. I had only been with his dad for a few months when I fell pregnant. We arent together but we are friends and ds and he have a great relationship.

Thesearmsofmine · 26/08/2019 08:41

Because we were lax with contraception. One night with no protection led to ds1 and at the time DH and I weren’t even a couple.

10 years on we are married with 3dc and are happy. It isn’t always a disaster.

ravenmum · 26/08/2019 08:44

Waited 5 years and he still turned out to be a totally different person as a dad to what I'd imagined. He is at least a responsible father, but considering what a disappointment he was in other areas I'm still not convinced that I managed to find a good'un by testing him out for 5 years.

User10fuckingmillion · 26/08/2019 08:46

My parents waited all of a month before conceiving me. Grin

BookwormMe2 · 26/08/2019 08:46

I imagine a vast majority of the super-quick pregnancies are unplanned or driven by age. I had our DD just shy of our fourth anniversary as a couple and my DP was worried even that was too soon!

actuallyquitesmall · 26/08/2019 08:47

We'd been together about 6 months. Aged 36 and 42 we thought it best to crack on!

KipperTheFrog · 26/08/2019 08:47

Met DH age 19, married at 24, DD1 at 27 and DD2 at 29. Wouldn’t have been ready for marriage and children any sooner. If we’d met later then who knows.
I think some people have children early in a relationship though contraception failure, ticking biological clock, or getting caught up in the “romance” of it.

Fairylea · 26/08/2019 08:49

I think children change a relationship so much there are no guarantees no matter how long you are together. I’m not saying there’s no point waiting but I don’t think you can predict anything.

I was with my dds dad for 5 years before we had her. I thought we would be together forever, perfect etc. 6 months after dd arrived I left him as he’d turned into a selfish arsehole virtually overnight.

Pomegranateseeds · 26/08/2019 08:51

I was pregnant after 3 months!
It was a crazy thing to do but we planned it and wanted the baby! Looking back it would have been more sensible to wait but worked out fine for us. We were lucky financially in that we could set up home together straight away.
12 years and 2 dc now.

autumnboys · 26/08/2019 08:51

We met when I was 19, married when I was 24, had ds1 when I was 28. So about 9 years from meeting to baby. We weren’t ready before then.

Wonderland18 · 26/08/2019 08:51

Unplanned pregnancy 17 months into our relationship. DP is a pain but he’s my pain and he gave me my most delightful of miracles. If it had been planned we wouldn’t have had any so it worked out for the best.

sheshootssheimplores · 26/08/2019 08:54

We had children soon in our relationship because I was old and we weren’t being careful 🤦🏻‍♀️ We’ve been together eight years now and he’s my soul mate so delighted we were stupid. First we’d waited we wouldn’t have been able to have children at all.

namby · 26/08/2019 08:54

Age, we didn't want to be old parents. We had 5 years together though first so not too quickly. 5 years would probably be my minimum though, it's important to spend time together and really get to know one another (especially if younger).

Cataholic · 26/08/2019 08:57

My fiancé and I were expecting after just 6 months together- I was prescribed medication by the doctor that negated the effects of the pill (which I was religiously taking!). We miscarried at 16 weeks which was the most difficult thing ever, but 6 years later we've decided to start family planning! It works for some people, and doesn't for others.
But, I truly believe we wouldn't be together now if our pregnancy then was successful.

WhoEatsPopTarts · 26/08/2019 09:01

I was pregnant after being together for 9 months, we were living together, very much in love and both felt strongly that we should go ahead with the pregnancy. I couldn’t take the pill and we were using a device for contraception that Boots made you pee’d on a stick and it told you if you were safe to have sex. It did advertise a slightly higher chance of getting pregnant. That baby is 20 now and we are still together, even more in Leeds vet and have dcs of 17 & 16 also. Looking back it was a huge risk, but neither of us felt that, we’d both been married and just knew we’d found the one.

WhoEatsPopTarts · 26/08/2019 09:01

Even more I love, not sure what a Leeds vet has to do with it.

Northernsoullover · 26/08/2019 09:05

I had children quickly, not planned. Yes, he was a waste of space. It was hard. Now though its all come full circle. We are happy. My career is on the up (or will be when I graduate as I'm guaranteed work in my field) my children are a joy and their father is more amenable than ever even though we haven't been together for years.
I do not regret a single thing. I often think it would have been nice to have had the mortgage/marriage/career BEFORE the children came along but I know so many cases where these were in place beforehand and these women still got royally shafted after the children came along.

ravenmum · 26/08/2019 09:05

I always wonder why people have children so close together, surely it makes sense to have a gap of around 4/5 years between each child so that you’ve got a gap in paying nursery fees/teenage expenses/university fees and you can really enjoy each one growing up rather than lumping the stages of each child all together.
We were lucky enough to achieve the short gap we'd hoped for - 2 years apart. It meant that I was able to take 3 years off in one go as a SAHM. If there'd been a 5-year gap I'd have had to take maternity leave twice and it would have broken up my career more. The kids got on well, and with the small age difference they were able to play together, and now do things together as young adults. I hugely enjoyed watching them grow up, and part of the fun was that we could all do stuff together without one being bored or not allowed to join in. Of course, they could have turned into bitter enemies, but they had the opportunity to be friends. My siblings were much too young for me to develop a relationship like that. And now they are both independent, so am I. That has been convenient since their dad and I divorced.

Seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 26/08/2019 09:06

Is there a sampling bias here? After all, a woman who became pregnant early in a relationship but whose DH turned out to be a decent man isn’t going to be posting on the relationships board about how useless he is.

Historically, no one would have waited very long presumably?

Agree some of the stories are heartbreaking.

(13 and a bit years for us.)

RavenLG · 26/08/2019 09:08

I know 2 couples irl who did this was a couple who met and got engaged within a few months. It was a very desperate clinging to each other I found. Both had been awful in relationships / no relationships and just wanted a family, so once they found each other it was like a fire was started.

The other was a friend from university who just wasn’t taking contraception but sleeping with her boyfriend. No surprise she got pregnant but had a termination. I spoke to her at length about being careful and protecting herself but obviously it happened again really quickly and she kept baby this time. He had a 3 month old with someone else too at this point. They’re engaged now and have been together a few years and she has finally gotten on hormonal contraception now thankfully,