Who pays on a second date?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I can't believe I'm writing one of these threads ....

First date was last week. We met for a couple of coffees in my town - he drove and I had to leave earlier than expected - I paid the £10 ish without thinking about it, although he offered to split it. All was promising.

Second date was last night. He suggested going for something to eat in advance of my birthday this week. Nice evening, couple of coffees and a starter each which came to about £20. The bill was placed in front of him and he pushed it to the middle of the table and said "shall we split it?". I was slightly surprised but obviously put £10 on the plate, he added his bank card and made a point of asking the waiter how much his card had been charged.

I'm perfectly happy to pay my own way. I'm also conscious of the first and only man I lived with in my early twenties, who would do the food shopping and itemise every amount on the receipt in terms of the proportion he expected me to eat. The same man didn't pay a penny of maintenance for our DD. So, maybe I am being over sensitive? I'm absolutely not looking for someone to support me in any way - as above, I ignored warning signs many years ago!!

If you paid for the first one, I'd expect him to pay for the next. I prefer turn taking to splitting the bills. This would put me off but would give him another chance

Ooh, I'd keep an eye. Twenty pounds is obviously double the amount of the previous date and tbh I'd probably be happier splitting it but the fact he was fussing about his card makes me wonder if he's 'careful' with money (aka tight).

I would not be seeing him again.

I think the key is how it balances out.

As he offered to split last time then it seems that that is his preferred method. At the early stages then either that or turn taking would work. If your not happy with splitting then talk about it before you see him next time.

As you’d paid the first date I would expect him to have at least offered to pay the second. £20 is not a huge amount.

It would put me off, but I know that's not really fair. There could be loads of reasons why he wanted to split it, maybe he has to be careful with money at the moment? I guess it all depends on how much you actually like him.

I would of expected him pay too. If you like this man I would meet a third time and see what happens when coming to pay.

Yes, I'm being a bit contrary. It's the suggestion to split that I'm not keen on - I would have offered but he jumped in immediately. In the past I have felt overruled when men have adopted the "I'm a man so will pay" attitude, and virtually forced money on them!

Good plan, thank you. We both work, but that's as far as I know. I'm busy next Saturday evening so I'll suggest coffee again during the day - I do understand the splitting being fair early on but really cannot be bothered with counting out pennies. And I am pretty careful with money in general, just not tight.

That would put me off to be honest, I wouldn't bother with him again.

Maybe he doesn't have very much money?? Difficult to talk about these things at this stage in your relationship but he doesn't sound mean, he just sounds poor! That wouldn't put me off but it might put you off. Make the third date something that requires no money (picnic, walk or whatever) so you can decide based on personality not financials.

Did the bill include service? If not, how was that dealt with? In his shoes, if we were splitting the bill (which I wouldn’t expect to do - I’d have paid), I’d have insisted on leaving the tip. And I’d say something about me paying next time.

It’s early days, but if he’s mean, I’d cut my losses and finish it. And I’d tell him why; it might not change him, but it might give him pause for thought.

He doesn't seem poor - he's 10 years older than I am - mentioned that he has a very small mortgage and referred to various jobs, trips away etc - obviously very hard to tell. Just to be clear (if I wasn't), I'm not really fussed about money - it's the fact that stinginess of spirit in my DD's father could have been detected early on by the red flag of him charging me 25p for half a packet of tomatoes!! 😀

The 12.5% gratuity charge was included in the £20.

He suggested going for something to eat in advance of my birthday this week

Id be a bit if he asked YOU because its coming up to your birthday! X

Too early to make a judgement imo.

Go out for a coffee again and see how the paying plays out.

I abhor tightness but sometimes people do just forget who paid or figure that it all works out fair after a few meals.

I think he should've just paid it. No point quibbling over 20 pounds. Plus you paid the first one. I'd hate to be getting the calculator out and calculating to x degree every time, metaphorically speaking.

I’d be splitting it up until the point you realised you liked each other/there was something there.

And splitting it on every date, not just you pay one, he pays the next.

I hate this assumption that it’s a “red flag” if he doesn’t pay etc.

50/50 whilst initially dating is best. That’s what I’ve taught my children too for when older.

I don’t want my DD to think a man has to pay for everything not my son to think he has too. Far better if a date doesn’t happen again simply because one didn’t pay, it shows the other person expects it and that’s not a good thing imo.

It's not the splitting, it's the letting you pay the first time without splitting and then splitting the second time. Plus being pointed about the amount charged to his card.
If you like him, see how the next time goes.

With DP he insisted on paying the first time (only a couple of soft drinks each) and the second time (meal, dessert & drinks) when I wanted to split it.
The third time (coffee and cake) he tried the same and I said if he insisted on paying again I wouldn't be able to see him again, he backed down immediately.
Now it just tends to even out, although I try to pay more if my kids are with us as that jist seems fair to me.

It’s only your second date OP! Maybe you were very quick off the mark to pay on the first date. Also, what does he do? For most public sector workers payday is next week so he could literally down to his last few quid. Give him another chance I say. BTW, i’ve Been out with a cheapskate and it’s a pain so do sympathise 😂 I still say give it at least 2 more dates.

I agree with hjwt. It wouldn’t have bothered me at all if the date was mutually decided or not a special occasion. The thing is though that he asked you out on a date- to celebrate your birthday. And £20 is a tiny amount to pay for dinner and drinks! I’m also not usually concerned when it comes to money, but alarm bells would be ringing. Im a generous person and spent 5 years with a man who was unbelievably stingy, I broke up with him after I was short of money one week and asked him £3 for bus fare so I could get to work. He made me wash his car for it. I couldn’t be with someone so tight again

First date you paid and refused half so he probably should have offered this time, bit perhaps he's been bitten before by women who resent him insisting in paying. I know there's an middle ground!
As king as he's 5p/50 splitting I'd be OK, certainly not itemising the bill to pay exact. If he suggests somewhere you can't afford 50/50 I'd be honest and tell him.

I’ve only just noticed you paid for the first date! So you paid for the first date, he asked you out on a date for your birthday and he refused to cover a measly bill? There wouldn’t be a 3rd date for me

I'd have been a bit 😮 at him wanting to split the second bill. Ok it was higher than what u had paid first time but not unreasonably so. He wld have to be ticking every box for me to want to see him again as that is very off putting. He's not only tight but happy for u to pay extra!

Where did you get food and drink for only twenty quid? (Misses point).

He was being tight, given you paid before. I'd give him one more chance, if he was otherwise an excellent date