Who pays on a second date?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I can't believe I'm writing one of these threads ....

First date was last week. We met for a couple of coffees in my town - he drove and I had to leave earlier than expected - I paid the £10 ish without thinking about it, although he offered to split it. All was promising.

Second date was last night. He suggested going for something to eat in advance of my birthday this week. Nice evening, couple of coffees and a starter each which came to about £20. The bill was placed in front of him and he pushed it to the middle of the table and said "shall we split it?". I was slightly surprised but obviously put £10 on the plate, he added his bank card and made a point of asking the waiter how much his card had been charged.

I'm perfectly happy to pay my own way. I'm also conscious of the first and only man I lived with in my early twenties, who would do the food shopping and itemise every amount on the receipt in terms of the proportion he expected me to eat. The same man didn't pay a penny of maintenance for our DD. So, maybe I am being over sensitive? I'm absolutely not looking for someone to support me in any way - as above, I ignored warning signs many years ago!!

The second date was really cheap to split. Especially as it was your birthday. I don't like the sound of him I'm afraid

Has a third date been suggested yet? I'd be tempted to go if it has and see what happens.

You're a cheap date, OP!

He sounds tight to me, and I'd find this very offputting.

I’m curious, why did you only have starters? Whose idea was that?

I wouldn’t be seeing him again. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who splits everything down to the penny, and the fact he checked how much was taken from his card shows he is this type of man. He would have been given a receipt for his card payment so he didn’t need to pointedly ask like that. Added to that, he offered for your birthday. Even taking aside the fact you paid last time, it should have been on him.

Trust your gut on this one I think.

The second date was really cheap to split. Especially as it was your birthday. I don't like the sound of him I'm afraid

I agree here. You picked up a small tab for a round of coffees; he should have picked up this one. Yes - a larger tab, but still a small one....and it would actually work out as you “owing” him a fiver! You’d do this even with a friend, surely?

It would be a no from me. Not just the fact you paid first time and then he invited you out for your bday the second time, it's more the performance he made over double checking how much his card had been charged. Now you're going to go on a third date (if you do) and i bet you'll spend most it anticipating what's going to happen when the bill comes. Waste of time.

I agree, this one is going to be tighter than a Snadger's Arse.

I also wonder why you only had starters. If someone had invited me out for a birthday meal I’d have expected an actual meal. Was it his suggestion to only have a starter?

Why on earth did you go out for a meal and both only have starters and a few coffees?

Whose idea was that?

Asking the waiter how much his card had been charged would have me thinking I wouldn’t bother seeing him again.

Does he date alot? If he is dating multiple times a week I could see where this approach is coming from but wouldn't like it.

If he has a string of dates he might not be invested (or remember you paid) so enforces 50/50.

If he was keen then I think first impressions would be important to him and given it was £5 difference he would have happily picked up the bill. I think your instincts picked up something so would listen to what you feel. If it felt mean spirited then you are probadly right..you can do 50/50 but show a good nature.

Second date he should have paid.He asked you out.
First date put down to nerves.But i would base everything off the third date.

Maybe go to cinema and for food.See how it goes.

Nothing worse than a mean person, he is not out to impress you is he?
How he behaves when it comes to bill paying when you are out reveals a lot.
I have experienced similar, personally I would go with your gut feeling. Someone I now see occasionally always pays the bill, treats staff lovely and always leaves a generous tip.

I'm generally all for splitting early dates 50/50 however these circumstances ring an alarm bell for me.
If you're really keen on him go on a 3rd and if the same thing happens (especially the quirying with the waiter how much he was being charged element of it) I wouldn't go on a 4th.

DH and I have always taken it in turns. He paid for the first date so I paid for the second and so on, it’s basically how we run our household now with things like the food shop too.

You paid for the last one so he should’ve paid for this one imo.

Thank you for all replies. To answer some questions: correct, I have no idea what he earns or how often he dates (although he said that prior to me it was "some weeks ago"). I don't drink and he was driving. When it came to menus I, conscious that he'd invited me and that I wasn't starving and hate waste, opted for a starter as it was my favourite food anyway and he did the same. Yes, I'm a cheap date! I did think that the birthday invitation meant that he was paying, to be honest, especially as earlier in the evening he'd said "when you see where I live", as in I'd like to see you again.

He does tick many boxes. I do like him but am not used to the idea of who's spent what and whose turn it is - any hesitation and I'm inclined to pay. As a PP said, with close friends, one of us pays and we certainly don't keep count, it just evens out.

He’s a cheapskate. Unless he makes something of your birthday (not that he has to) drop him. This means too much for you.

He asked you out for something to eat, he should have paid. You paid first time!

Mean with money, mean with time, mean with emotions.

My ex was mean but was happy to leech off me. It wasn’t a fun existence being with him.

So he didn't even do the bill splitting dance? "I'll get this" "No I will" "Let me this time" 😁
I wouldn't like the fact that he immediately pushed the bill to the middle.
If I really liked him I'd try a third date but it may put an edge on it.

No way would I be seeing him again. This is a signal to RUN.

Money can be such a weird thing when dating.
I had a first date where I drove the considerable distance to his town and payed parking (while he walked), somehow ended up paying for initial drinks then meal and two more drinks each, (total cost £30ish) and he chucked me a fiver with a limp excuse that it was just before payday and he didn't want to go into his overdraft ... the weirdest thing was that the thing we had originally arranged to do was look around a museum which cost £25 each to get in - which I wouldn't have expected anything other than each paying our own ticket for - so he presumably would have spent that, but not 15 on the drinks and meal we did instead...?! Weirdo.

Anyway. I think the peacocking about asking how much money had come off his card was a sign, OP. He'd have seen the amount on the screen and receipt, ffs. I you like him go for drinks next time and see if he picks it up.

One of the most unattractive traits is meanness

I wouldn't be having a third date

I once met someone and I had travelled 40 miles to his city to meet up. He suggested Mac Donald's at the end of the night. And he let me pay for my own. I was not impressed

(I'd also got dolled up and he turned up like a scruff)

Had it of been £60 i would understand but if he can't splash £20 to buy me a bite to eat were not going to have similar tastes in life so itd put me off.

I think he should've just paid it. No point quibbling over 20 pounds

It wasn't even £20. It was a fiver, when you take into account the OP paid the last time. I wouldn't see him again. I hate meanness. He'd be the sort who'd expect you to pay half the mortgage and bills during maternity leave, and then to pay for all the childcare costs when you go back to work.

Thanks all. You've confirmed my thoughts and I'm honestly the least "man should pay" thinking person. Having raised a 22 year old without a penny of maintenance from her father, I neither want nor need someone else's money but also want to be on the same page.

It's a hard one as everyone has different expectations. For me the 1st date and him offering to split a tenner would make me laugh. I'd prob pay it myself as you did. Then inviting you out for your birthday and pushing the bill into the middle of the table would actually anger me, no harm if he had said to split it but 20 quid !! God it's not a fortune, you probably would have appreciated if he had just made the suggestion to split rather than shove it into the middle of the table. It's kind of mean as he invited you out.

I've a couple friends that started out like this and now he uses his phone calculator to work out her contribution! He's very mean, he bought her a bottle of water after she asked him when he went into the shop, we were in the car with them and he refused to drive off until she paid him.

Try another date, order an extra drink and see what he does, see if he wants to do 50 50 or if he asks for the extra money for the drink. He could be a 50 50 person and if you're happy with that then great, all is good but if he starts doing percentages bin him.