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So big I barely recognised myself

90 replies

Unrecogniseabletomyself · 19/08/2019 19:57

I saw myself in a mirror today and barely recognised myself. Genuinely didn't look like me. I am so big, my shape is lost.

I keep getting bigger. I am aware in talking in some sorry of passive way about this, yet it's entirely within my control to change it. I seem completely unable to stop overeating. I really do know that sounds feeble and it's not true. Yet I still can't seem to do anything about it.

Have you been at this point and what changed things for you? It affects my health, my confidence, my day to day life. I have young children and I hate being unhealthy.

I have had a stressful few years but I am doing much better, have dealt with that, yet I keep getting bigger. I don't know what answer I'm looking for. I'm hoping there is some way too approach this that will make a difference.

I thought about slimming clubs but can't find any on nights in free too attend. I have wasted money on gym membership.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 19/08/2019 20:01

Last summer I got to the point where my mental health was suffering because I wasn't happy about my size.
I changed my diet completely. Not sure where the will power came from - I think I had just reached the point where I was desperate to change my habits and super fed up of my life.
It helped that DH felt the same and together we were able to make a food plan. Bought shed loads of fruit and ate that for most snacks.
Be realistic. Are you going to be happy if you are hungary? No. So make a plan that will keep you full and happy but on healthy foods.

PeppaNotPig · 19/08/2019 20:01

I’m in the same boat op 😢
I’ve gained 3 stone since last summer due to a traumatic event followed by what I now know is ptsd. I know I’m comfort eating and might feel momentarily better but that soon wears off. I have 3 big functions in Dec so I am feeling like I’m ready to take action now.
I will go back to a slimming group because that’s the only way I’ve lost weight in the past tbh. Good luck op think you are ready for a big change 💐

Chrissmasjammies · 19/08/2019 20:08

I recently read a book called 'eating less' by a lady called Gillian riley iirc. It really resonated with me. I too have had a stressful few years and feel out the end of it now. The book talks about lots of things and gives very good strategies and perspectives on over eating. She advises a technique called 'times and plans' to try and curb addictive eating. I recognise myself in a lot of what she describes as addictive eating. It's a very different approach and I would recommend it. Best of luck op there are a lot of us in the same boat. And well done to the previous poster on such a major change.

WhoAteMyNuts · 19/08/2019 20:11

Yes, I'm short and apple shaped so I just looked like a big ball on sticks.

I had my wake up moment last year. I started changing one thing at a time as I was sick of yo-yo dieting. Once I had made one thing a new habit I did another and then another and now I am eating much better, nothing is off limits but I am aware of my overall diet and health. I have lost most of the weight I wanted to and have formed much better eating habits without the drastic dieting which has always failed in the past.

I think I just had to find that wake up moment as before I had 'dieted' but intimately just went back to me old habits.

Unrecogniseabletomyself · 19/08/2019 20:17

I'll check the book out, will try anything. I just can't seem to find the willpower. I've reached this moment several times where I think this is "IT" time to change. But then it didn't last.
Comfort eating is so strange at times because I know I'll feel worse. I often don't even enjoy eating. I feel quite disgusted at myself.

I lie in bed thinking tomorrow it'll be different. I loved exercise a long time ago. I feel happy thinking I'll start exercising and being healthy. I just need to make tomorrow happen somehow.

OP posts:
Chrissmasjammies · 19/08/2019 20:24

@Whoatemynuts that sounds similar to the approach advocated in the book. A form of mindfulness around eating I suppose. An emphasis on habits not scales.

pottedshrimps · 19/08/2019 20:26

Think seriously about low carbing. It's carbohydrates that keep you hungry and wanting more and more. I'm the same as you and none of my clothes were fitting and I looked like a potato. I got a fitbit and log everything I eat and drink and set myself a daily calorie intake and low carb as much as possible. No junk, fizzy pop, bread, potatoes, cereals or pasta, sweets etc. I've lost 16lbs since beginning of June and that's without exercise, just being a bit busier.

I watched episodes of my 600lb life on YouTube to show me what could happen if I carried on eating and eating. The urge to binge eat does go if you do low carb. You don't need to do full Atkins, I still allow myself some fruit and the odd biscuit.

It's worth it.

WhoAteMyNuts · 19/08/2019 20:33

Chrissmasjammies I didn't read the book you mentioned but did read a similar one on intuitive eating and the biggest thing that hit me was why dieting doesn't work long term. I found myself nodding along to all the things that have happened in the past when I have tried and even succeeded to lose weight. I suddenly understood why I was back at being overweight again.

Beautiful3 · 19/08/2019 20:46

Snap, I've put on 4 stone last year. I lost a stone slowly since january through exercise and healthy eating. I've been so depressed at how fat I am, it's embarrassing. I hit the slimfast and fruit smoothies, a few weeks ago and lost another stone this past month. Just 2 more stone to go. Started running now. I will burn this fat off!!! Slimfast really works but its only a temporary fix.

Unrecogniseabletomyself · 19/08/2019 20:59

I had lost/gained weight several times over my adult life. I had got to thinking the method didn't matter (they've been varied and creative!), it's down to willpower. But I'm always either overeating or undereating. I can see how a completely different way of thinking might be better.

I'm sorry others feel bad and some of you are clearly working hard at changing.

I guess once you start to lose weight it starts to feel good and that helps.

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 19/08/2019 21:05

Have you tried any counselling OP? A few of my mates have suffered for years trying different diets and feeling so frustrated when things don't change. Two of them went to counselling (separately obviously!) and have both changed their attitude to food totally and felt able to take control over it. They've lost weight and gained confidence, healthily.

Sorry OP I know its shit when you feel you've lost yourself somehow. I have a huge scar from an accident and still sometimes pass a shop window and don't recognise it's me in the reflection - it's more upsetting than it sounds until it happens I think. Last time I winced in sympathy, though oh that poor girl then realised it was me. I was extra kind to myself afterwards! Be as nice to yourself as you would to a friend.

Good luck Thanks

Chrissmasjammies · 19/08/2019 21:11

@Beautiful3 that's brilliant going well done. My second child is approaching 2 and I'm still carrying baby weight. Shes a lot easier now. I just haven't had the mental energy to tackle it till now. I feel like I have done a lot of the 'mental prep ' for long term weight management though, moving away from a dieting mentality, recognising addictive eating and also realising that 'you dont have to count calories but its calories that count'. Its my one goal in life now. I've an at times stressful job in the health service. Went back from mat leave to a backlog and irate service users. My baby was hard going and a poor sleeper, we've had house repairs and a family member died 8 weeks after I had her. Loads of life stresses and my best weight management has always correlated with the least stress. So my plan is (from tomorrow)
Times and plans approach where I plan what I will eat for next meal (no less than 4 hours from the previous)
Weekly weigh ins no more often
Generally improved self care to improve self esteem
Exercise when I can but no gruelling gym workouts.
More veg and water
Be proud of healthy choices.
A realistic approach that slower weight loss is ok and all progress is good
Theres a saying that people change when the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same then people will change. I think I'm there! I don't want to spend another year living a half life.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 19/08/2019 21:16

Yes, that is good advice, be as kind to yourself as you'd be to a friend.

Even in your thoughts

The way you describe your eating, sounds,almost like self harm. What is,the root cause of that?

It is not about willpower, some part of you wants to overeat. It's about why, what makes you want to keep eating when you are full, what goes through your mind?

managedmis · 19/08/2019 21:20

Think seriously about low carbing. It's carbohydrates that keep you hungry and wanting more and more. I'm the same as you and none of my clothes were fitting and I looked like a potato. I got a fitbit and log everything I eat and drink and set myself a daily calorie intake and low carb as much as possible. No junk, fizzy pop, bread, potatoes, cereals or pasta, sweets etc.

^

This.

On my previous diet, I was constantly hungry. I'd eat a huge plate of pasta and it'd make me hungrier.

So I switched to low carb. More veg, more protein. It really does keep me full!

I had the same moment of realisation as you OP. The mirror. Not recognising myself at all. Fuck me who is that I thought. Shit. It's me. No way. It's not gonna be me!

So I lost around 4 stone and haven't looked back.

Unrecogniseabletomyself · 19/08/2019 21:34

The not recognising yourself is quite a shock isn't it.

I've had counselling (not about weight) helpful in some ways, but I've gained weight throughout. I thought sorting my live out generally might have an indirect positive impact on how I look at some point! It feels like I was waiting to be fixed eating wise when I need to do it myself. Or I need to have another go at talking about it.

The friend thing is a good reminder. I have a friend who worries about her weight and I see the clever interesting lovely woman she has always been.

OP posts:
Pearpair4 · 19/08/2019 22:01

It’s great you’ve identified the problem. I have been there / am there! (Writing this all down for my benefit too). For ages I was saying “why can’t I lose weight” when the problem was “why am I overeating?”. I really struggled with getting started too. Here’s what helped me (this is totally personal to me, I have no medical training whatsoever etc etc).

Tomorrow morning weigh yourself.
Work out how much you want to lose to get to your goal weight.
Give yourself a realistic average overall weight loss target per week (bear in mind it might take you a while to get going, you might lose loads at the beginning, plateaus etc). Something like 1lb per week. But I think the NHS website can give guidance on healthy weight loss per week.

See how long it will take you to lose the weight at that rate. This might be quite disheartening if you have a lot to lose. Ie you suddenly realize you won’t be “thin” by Christmas. But it’s really important to understand you are in this for the long haul and it’s changing the way you eat long term, hopefully forever, not a fad diet. Each day you will feel better and each day you will be closer to the goal weight. Remember that you will look and feel a lot better at each weight “on the way down”’as opposed to when you were that weight before but gaining weigh with unhealthy eating habits. You might want to split this into a number of smaller goals. Happy Scale is a good app for that.

You might want to experiment with how often to weigh yourself, it’s really personal. Daily can be motivating, especially at the beginning. Weekly might see more of an overall trend? If you find scales very triggering and a gain would send you off on a binge maybe forget the scales and go by an item of clothing, measurements etc.

Personally, I have stuck with weighing because I am trying to move across BMI categories and so actual weight is important to me. But I have changed to lb not Stone and lb. All my life I have fixated on stone and lb weight and I know exactly what I weighed in stones at different points in my life. So changing it to just lb has made it more clinical and less emotional for me.

Forgive yourself for gaining the weight and for using the coping mechanisms you needed at time. Onwards!

Download MyFitnessPal if you don’t have it already.

Ok so now you need to make “tomorrow” happen. But it’s so difficult to change how you eat when you wake up bloated and feeling terrible after a day of overeating. So you’re going to do it slowly. Day 1, just set yourself a time like 6pm, and you’re just going to stop eating junk by then. That’s all.

The next day make it 3pm or midday and add in any “healthy” meals instead. Veg, protein, whole grains, fruit etc. This stage is more about breaking binge pattern than anything else.

If you want to log all these days on MFP it can be quite eye opening!

Once you feel confident to do a whole day of regular meals set yourself a realistic calorie target on MFP. Something like 2000 per day if you’ve regularly been binging over that. Keep at 2000 for a week then reduce to 1800. Do another week on 1800. Keep going until you reach your ideal target of calories per day.

Choose the “diet plan” that suits you best but think of your calories going further so it probably will be something like low carb / high protein with lots of veg but the idea is noting is off limits, you just need to stay in your calorie range. Do research different methods (lots of advice and descriptions of different ways of eating for weight loss on these boards) to find what suits you / your lifestyle best.

Do not offset calories with exercise. But do incorporate more movement for its own sake. Like the calories- Little by little. Get off the bus a stop earlier until you build up to walking the journey etc.

Clothes: if you can / have the money clear out your wardrobe of anything that makes you feel bad. Move clothes you want to fit into again elsewhere for now. You want a whole wardrobe just with clothes you are happy to wear right now. (Even if it’s just a capsule wardrobe). A tight waistband is bound to make you feel depressed and heading for a binge.
Buy a few new clothes if you can that make you feel nice and comfortable and that fit you now. If you can only buy one thing but some new exercise clothes. They make you feel positive and like you are doing something, it’s easier to walk that extra distance to the bus stop if you’re in sports leggings and trainers and they’re comfortable. Lots of places do plus size nice sports wear now.

Don’t wait until you get to your ideal weight to get new make up, colour / cut your hair, get your eyebrows done etc. Doing these things will make you feel better, improve your self esteem and can be a replacement activity for when you used to binge.

Try and start dealing with the feelings behind the binging sooner rather than later.... what is it you are stuffing down with that food? Frustration, anger, loneliness? If you can afford therapy I really recommend it, and it’s possible your GP may be able to refer you. If not or in the mean time do some internet research, read some books (Fat is a Feminist Issue is an old one but a good one). doing this might bring up some really painful feelings for you, so I do recommend some professional guidance.

Something simple to try is when a urge to eat something you don’t want to eat comes, pause. Acknowledge the urge. “I really want that Mars bar” .Ask yourself how you are feeling / what are you feeling and why. “I am feeling so overwhelmed! I can’t get everything done today that I need to. I need a break!” Take some breaths, acknowledge the feelings. That might be enough to move on. Or if not you could continue: “how will the Mars bar make me feel, better or worse? What could I do instead? I could have a cup of herbal tea and prioritize my to do list.”

Try not to focus on the final weight.... it will seem so far away that you can “always start tomorrow”.
Instead think about feeling comfortable, not bloated, getting into bed feeling happy about what you have eaten.

Check how you talk to yourself. Cut out the “you’re disgusting and fat” talk. Speak nicely to yourself.
“You have had such a good day, so proud you didn’t add any crisps to your shopping basket”
Etc.

Drink plenty of water. Get some reusable water bottles and fill them up each night for the next day.

Don’t expect a perfect streak all the way to your goal weight. Practicing getting back “on the wagon” is an important tool too. Otherwise a slice of birthday cake, a party, a holiday where you overate will be able to properly derail your progress.

Read the weight loss chat threads on here: they have loads of good ideas / inspiration/ motivation. Something I read on here once: “Losing weight is hard, being overweight is hard. Pick your hard”.

You can do it!

Overhaul501 · 19/08/2019 22:02

I feel your pain OP. I want to be proud of the person I see in the mirror, physically and right now I'm ashamed

I would love an accountability buddy / group it anyone is interested. Either in Weight loss or even WhatsApp

Chrissmasjammies · 19/08/2019 22:13

All very useful advice Pear. In the book I read she recommends not weighing yourself but i don't agree. The scales is a useful tool once you can handle fluctuations. To the pp looking for a weight loss buddy count me in! Smile

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/08/2019 22:17

Remember OP, counselling is a marathon not a sprint. Shop around and find one you click with, it makes such a difference.

The likely plan of action from a counselling point of view would be to work on building up the parts of you internally that mean you find it hard to stay in control when it comes to food. These might not even be the causes you think!

Eating less and importantly eating more healthily will be a natural beneficial outcome of this.

You sound switched on but remember as well as diet and exercise, your mental health plays a huge part in body image.

Once you value yourself more you'll want to nourish your body the right way.

Got my fingers crossed for you OP Thanks

CookPassBabtridge · 19/08/2019 22:24

I was the same OP, I didn't care about the weight gain until I saw I was 20 stone and it just clicked.. I stopped eating junk, takeaways and carbs (apart from 2 days off a month) and have lost over 9 stone since November. I had to get to that big point to start being bothered about it though, it's like I was in a daze as I've always been slim as an adult and wanted to look good.. but the last few years I didn't give a shit, my dad died and comfort eating was more important than being slim.
Writing down all my reasons and benefits for weight loss really helped, and the two days off a month was crucial as I ate everything I'd been craving and got it out of my system. Good luck whatever you choose.Thanks

outtathelefteyei · 19/08/2019 22:24

Hey,
I just wanted to say that I have found Intermittent Fasting really really good. I'm a total comfort eater.

One of the best things for me was joining this FB group for women, lots of motivational before after pics etc and tips - honestly, there are loads of extreme weight loss stories there. I also use a free app called Zero which has a timer and tracks your progress.

www.facebook.com/groups/IntermittentFastingForWomen/?ref=nf_target&fref=nf

Basically the concept is delay don't deny....works really well for me as I love wine, potatoes, chocolate etc etc. Some do Keto and stuff on there too, but I cba with that, so "dirty fast" rather than clean fast.

It does have a scientific basis, so not just a fad diet. Other thing to note, it gets a lot easier as you go on. I drink loads of fizzy water with lime squeezed in it when I'm fasting.

Maybe just join the FB group and see if it looks any good. Like I said, it really helps me with the comfort eating (and drinking) especially with the app keeping me honest too :D.

x

Joyfulincolour · 19/08/2019 22:44

Pear - what an inspiring post! Do you do something like this for a job (coaching?) because you are very good at it. I have written down all your advice and I’m going to start working through it. OP, Pear and Jammies, you have all inspired me! Thank you.
OP - I hope you feel positive too. Great thread 😀

Beautiful3 · 19/08/2019 22:50

@Chrissmasjammies thanks for your kind words of encouragement. Im so sorry for your loss. The broken sleep when children don't sleep through the night made me want to eat biscuits non stop. It's so hard isn't it. Good luck for starting your healthy eating plan. You can do this.

Beautiful3 · 19/08/2019 22:51

@CookPassBabtridge
Wow 9 stone since last November, seriously that's so amazing! Well done.

Unrecogniseabletomyself · 19/08/2019 23:29

Lots to think about. It's actually quite moving to read others struggles, successes and encouragement to each other.

I've been thinking my eating had always been less than ideal. When I was most complimented and viewed as healthy I probably had a very disordered approach to food. I wasn't ever underweight so no eating disorders but not healthy either. Easier to see when you are older/wiser (a little!).

There are probably some associations to unpick in terms of approaching weight loss - as well as all the underlying things that aren't directly about food. I'm quite sold on the getting my thinking away from a "goal weight" approach, thinking about the here and now benefits.

I felt rubbish today so it's helpful to be in more thinking place. Thank you. I really appreciate all the input.

OP posts:
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