High energy families v low energy families

[Linseedlill]

We're on the return journey from doing the usual summer "tour" of family and friends. (For information: we alternate. One year they visit us. The next year we visit them.)

Anyway, it struck me this time how differently we all operate as families. Some are very high energy, for example, returning from a long haul flight and hosting us the next morning, including biking to nearest beauty spot, prepping a picnic, taking us to a museum and cooking us dinner all in the same day on very little sleep (even though we insisted they shouldn't go to any trouble on our behalf). The children aged nine and eleven and seemed fine with it. At the end of the day, we were more tired than they were! And we were all up at the crack of dawn again the following morning to ride at a local country show (the reason for our visit). A bit chaotic but they achieved a lot and seemed to have a lot of fun!

Another family we visited, the children aged eleven and fourteen, took things a lot slower. The children never appeared at breakfast, and were only (just) dressed by lunch time. They planned trips out meticulously but had quite a few days in between not doing very much and it took a lot of effort and negotiating (and stress frankly!) to actually get the DC out of the front door. The DC weren't using tablets excessively or anything, but they didn't seem to do much except wrestle in the sitting room!

Those are just two examples (no special needs involved) at opposite ends of the spectrum and we had an equally lovely stay with both families (and several others in between).

Here comes the judgy bit which is wrong of me I know but I couldnt help reflecting that the DC in the first household will perhaps eventually be better adapted for adult life: able to put up with a degree of discomfort whilst remaining polite and cheerful, be flexible, generous ( in deed) to others and, practically speaking, be able to be up and off in the mornings in a flash!

It made me reflect that perhaps we are giving our DC too easy a ride tbh and adapting our days too much to their wishes. DH and I have been talking about it on the way home and and I've decided off the back of this trip to be a bit more demanding of our DC (who can be very focused and energetic when they want to be, but aren't always very obliging when they don't)!

I guess it all depends on the characters of individual children and how much stress they can tolerate etc. Anyway, I've been wondering (during airport delays!) how high energy or not do you think your family is? And if you pack a lot in, is this a deliberate strategy, or is it just something you inherited from your own parents?

I think we're somewhere in the middle (I guess most people are). I definitely expect DD to fit in with me and do things with me when I'm busy, as I've worked from home with her since she was a small baby and often just have to take her along with me and expect her to cope. But I also think she needs her own time and space.

I know what you mean about it being good to learn to get on with things and be cheerful and polite about being required to get on. But IMO children also need time and space on their own, or they won't learn to play by themselves, right?

And I think you can wear out children and just exhaust them (and you) for no reason. We went on holiday with my brother's family, and the whole time they were dashing from one activity to the next, or the children were exhaustedly tantruming/fighting with each other. We do a lot less with our DD, but she also doesn't get into a state where she's so exhausted she's crying.

The age of the children is probably a factor. Puberty turns children into night owls and they really struggle to get up in the morning.

We are more low energy I guess although kids always up at sparrows fart and we do something every day.

Actually no hahaha that’s not true one of my kids is more high energy and one needs more down time so it can be a tricky balance!

I definitely need more quiet time than some
People.

My parents were more on the go when I was little but it meant that As I grew up I wasn’t very good at just kinda chilling out and being .... if I wasn’t doing something I felt guilt!

Yes I did wonder whether adolescence was a factor in the second example. Although I was never allowed as a teen to lie in bed until lunchtime, especially if we had guests.

I think we are probably in the middle of the spectrum somewhere too (although everyone has to be up early in our house to look after animals).

I do agree about it being a balance - children do need their own space and boredom encorages creativity I think - mindless activity without purpose is pretty pointless I think.

I did wonder if the offspring of high-energy parents chill out more and vice versa

We're in the middle, we are very busy im term time and used to be in the holidays when the DCs needed childcare, now they are teens there's a lot more flexibility. We have managed to rear one night owl and one who's up with the lark so there needs to be some compromise.

I was never allowed to lie in as a teenager, still remember being totally asleep and DF waking me at 9 - just because it was lazy to lie in.
I'm sure your teens will still grow into well adjusted adults without being forced into incessant activities. I agree that you shouldn't let teens dictate your timings and agenda, but I'm not sure there's much to be gained from dragging them along at earlier hours than they are used to, to things they may not want to do as feels a bit unnecessary.

The age of the dc is the issue. After a certain point in puberty they become very tired.

I think we are somewhere in between. I honestly think that holidays should be enjoyed and relaxed. There is so much to do term time and so much pressure with a fast paced life, there does need to be some time re charge for all. I do understand what you are saying though. Children should also learn how to relax and chill in order to cope with stressors.

The thing is though, do you really gain relaxation from doing not a lot? As an adult, I love having a "flop" day but start to feel really seedy by about 2 pm if I haven't achieved anything. Children don't have the same mindset I know but I'm not convinced that doing not a lot produces relaxation, more like frustration and snippiness.
There's obviously a balance to be struck ... .

Having said that, the dc in the ultra busy family described in my op tended to take little problems in their stride, because they were used to handling much bigger challenges on a daily basis. So they could relax when circumstances were quite stressful ifyswim.

Like a pp, we tend to veer between high activity in term time and low activity (except for when we are travelling) in the holidays.

We don't tend to do whole days of flopping, 3 out of 4 of us get restless). But we might have a lazy morning and head out after lunch for a walk or similar.

Surely with most families there are periods of high and low activity? I think it is good to have down days, everyone needs to be able to relax and just chill. As for your first family, I wonder if the kids will rebel when they get older? Your visit sounded like a lot of hard work for that family, all self-inflicted. I do notice when we have down days, my kids imagination kicks into gear. Leave them to their own devices and this is when they pick up a book, start drawing or making something. We have ponies so they have plenty of chores to be doing but it is keeping their hands busy. Down days gives their brains a chance to get busy.

Yes we tend to do the same in reverse Expletive

I just can't shake the feeling that family number one with their emphasis on "doing" have it right somehow!

I totally agree about your creativity point Krusty

I've definitely rebelled in relation to my low energy parents (they were very energetic when my older brothers and sisters were young but had run out of energy by the time it got to me - late "mistake"). So I have tried to organise things in a bit more of a structured way.

I'm perhaps over-thinking this but I'm wondering whether there is an anxiety crisis in our teens because they spend too much time idle on their phones wondering about the width of their eyebrows or whatever and not enough time confronting practical challenges with their peers.

We definitely are in the middle.

Typical holiday week has been 2 days of planned 'out' days, probably with picnic. One or two days playing with friends at each others houses or somewhere like soft play or the park.
One day of "home day" where the kids can have PJ's til late, we bake/craft/watch a film.

I couldn't be full on a holiday but equally I can't do nothing! When kids are happy at home with friends I've been cleaning cupboards out and doing lots of jobs I can only do in the summer holidays.

Here comes the judgy bit which is wrong of me I know but I couldnt help reflecting that the DC in the first household will perhaps ..

I actually think the opposite. I think these people become like the mumsnet version of cyclists( sorry to any cyclists that aren't like this). Selfish, always disappearing off. Unable to be bored or complete the drudgery of life/house work.

That's an interesting point Viola! One I hadn't thought of actually. Come to think of it, my dh"s family are "high energy" and the mundane tasks of life always seem a bit "beneath" them!

You sound like you have a good balance going there Belinda

I come from a fairly relaxed family who really appreciate getting up late, having a leisurely morning with the crosswords and making a move to do stuff after lunch.

I've married into the opposite family. This weekend the entire family (3 brothers, partners and 5 children were here along with MIL & FIL). Both days by 06:30 everyone was up and doing things, baking, preparing food for later, mushroom picking, gardening, chopping wood for the evening meal, doing a quick service on a car etc. Over the course of the two days the only time I saw anyone really sit down to chill was in the evening with the fire & food, or playing with the babies.

I don't think it's rubbed off on the children that they have a desperate desire to be constantly occupied by adults, they seemed happy playing football and amusing themselves. Also if they made a mistake of saying they were bored they were given something to do (picking/cleaning veg etc.)

I spend most of my holidays in Italy where most families seem to do the same.
Up early to do an activity.
Enforced chilling after lunch and in the hottest bit of the afternoon.
Go out again in the evening.
I guess people have less choice of how to organise themselves because of the weather and afternoon closing times.

I used to hate the afternoon quiet time as a DC/teen and was jealous of my cousins summer homework because it meant they had something to do!

I think the active family are the rule rather than the exception these days.
I think there's this fashion of only being a valid human if you're always 'doing' rather than just being.
It's a balance though isn't it because if you take 'going with the flow' too much to the extreme, you can end up with the children calling all the shots or people in the family feeling bored/ becoming depressed unmotivated/ unfit.

Yes, I imagine age of children, culture, climate all play a part. If you have young babies you may as well get up early and start!

I remember being very bored as a teen on Sunday afternoons but I put that down to being brought up in the seventies rather then my exhausted parents. Looking back, I think it was because they were permanently tired.

Iwouldprefernotto that must require a lot of flexibility and compromise at large family gatherings! Which do you prefer (if any)?

Well presumably family no. 1 don't often return home from a long haul trip and then have to see family that are in town the next day, so that sounds like a one-off? I know what you mean about some families packing a lot into each day and others being more laid back, but surely most of us are somewhere in the middle. We all have busy days/weeks and then times when we just potter about and everyone can have a lie in. We definitely alternate between high energy and low energy and if we didn't I think we'd either suffer from burn-out or boredom!

Also, children need to have non-structured time, to have to cope with boredom/ their own resources. If too much is planned you take away this skill.

As everything, balance is key.

absopugging yes I think it's important to demonstrate to DC that if you enjoy good health you (very generally speaking and of course with significant exceptions) get out of life what you put in. And that it takes effort. Noting much happens if you sit there and wait for life to come to you. And it's important to be able to enjoy working hard by taking small breaks and having fun on the way.

On the other hand I agree the modern trend of always having to be seen to be doing something exciting has got a little out of hand.

Oh yes I agree about balance.

But no, family number 1 live like that pretty much all of the time. They are very gung-ho! (I wouldn't have even agreed to visitors arriving the day after I got back from a long flight but we did so at their suggestion and insistence). I'm just a bit shocked because staying with them has made me reconsider what I considered to be our moderately middle energy lifestyle - in fact it isn't as active as I thought it was!