High energy families v low energy families

[Linseedlill]

We're on the return journey from doing the usual summer "tour" of family and friends. (For information: we alternate. One year they visit us. The next year we visit them.)

Anyway, it struck me this time how differently we all operate as families. Some are very high energy, for example, returning from a long haul flight and hosting us the next morning, including biking to nearest beauty spot, prepping a picnic, taking us to a museum and cooking us dinner all in the same day on very little sleep (even though we insisted they shouldn't go to any trouble on our behalf). The children aged nine and eleven and seemed fine with it. At the end of the day, we were more tired than they were! And we were all up at the crack of dawn again the following morning to ride at a local country show (the reason for our visit). A bit chaotic but they achieved a lot and seemed to have a lot of fun!

Another family we visited, the children aged eleven and fourteen, took things a lot slower. The children never appeared at breakfast, and were only (just) dressed by lunch time. They planned trips out meticulously but had quite a few days in between not doing very much and it took a lot of effort and negotiating (and stress frankly!) to actually get the DC out of the front door. The DC weren't using tablets excessively or anything, but they didn't seem to do much except wrestle in the sitting room!

Those are just two examples (no special needs involved) at opposite ends of the spectrum and we had an equally lovely stay with both families (and several others in between).

Here comes the judgy bit which is wrong of me I know but I couldnt help reflecting that the DC in the first household will perhaps eventually be better adapted for adult life: able to put up with a degree of discomfort whilst remaining polite and cheerful, be flexible, generous ( in deed) to others and, practically speaking, be able to be up and off in the mornings in a flash!

It made me reflect that perhaps we are giving our DC too easy a ride tbh and adapting our days too much to their wishes. DH and I have been talking about it on the way home and and I've decided off the back of this trip to be a bit more demanding of our DC (who can be very focused and energetic when they want to be, but aren't always very obliging when they don't)!

I guess it all depends on the characters of individual children and how much stress they can tolerate etc. Anyway, I've been wondering (during airport delays!) how high energy or not do you think your family is? And if you pack a lot in, is this a deliberate strategy, or is it just something you inherited from your own parents?

Coming at it from a different POV, I'm an introvert and need "low energy" (low activity really) times to recharge. I don't think anyone would guess that, knowing me, because I zoom around organising this and doing that, but that must (must must, or I near-on collapse) be counterbalanced by some time on my own at home with nowhere to go.

I grew up in a high energy household, we were always on the go. As an adult I have an overwhelming sense of guilt if I’m not doing something....anything! It’s a horrible feeling. We’ve had a busy week and yesterday we decided to have a much needed day at home, just to mooch about, watch tv, relax. By 2pm I could see the sun was out and the guilt hit me. I’m far better at doing nothing when it’s raining. I think that’s why I love winter so much.

@Linseedlill

Having a huge number of people over regularly does require flexibility. From what I see of my extended family is that it works because these are not big group activities. There might be a set plan e.g. we're going to eat at 7 and there's x, y & z which need to be done to achieve this. Then people seem to split off into groups to get key elements sorted e.g. peeling veg, preparing meat, looking after babies, chopping wood but with the work being split between so many adults there's also a lot of free time for people to do their own things.

I find that many people all talking at once a bit too much at times and will tend to volunteer for jobs which give me a bit of peace and quiet. So I might sit out in the garden and peel vegetables, take babies for a long walk to let them sleep, chop wood. I tend to avoid the indoor jobs.

I think the big difference between 'active & must be doing something families listed earlier' is that these days are not child centric. There's not a lot of planning days out for kids, but more a case of everyone is at a house and children can sort themselves out (and make themselves useful).

The children in the family do get days out etc. but it's more likely to be going to team sport events (that they are participating in) with their parents. Holiday's away tend to be camping, hiking, sailing etc.

I see your point. I’m hosting family at the moment and there’s been a real problem with the fact that we have different “clocks”, expectations, beliefs about what is acceptable when staying at someone’s home etc. I’m up at the crack of dawn to get things sorted for the day ahead to make sure the bathroom is available for them, breakfast is sorted, washing is done etc. The adults in the family seem to think it’s perfectly acceptable to have no structure re meals, waking and sleeping times, plans etc. So they can’t tell me what time they want to eat and what they want to eat. It changes everyday. They want cereal, toast, fruit with yogurt, pastries AND a cooked breakfast everyday but breakfast can be at anytime from 7.30 am until noon. They surface whenever they feel like it. It’s expected that I will provide up to 4 separate dinners each night because fussy eating has always been pandered to. They cannot tell me if they are going out for the day or not and instead of all the family going out, they will leave any child behind with me if that child doesn’t feel like going. Bedtime can be from 10.45pm until 12.30am. There’s no basic communication about when the one bathroom will be needed. Clothes are presented for washing when they’ve run out of clean clothing.

These children/teens have NO life skills. They have no basic consideration for other people or respect for the fact that they are a guest in someone’s home. I cannot see how they will function when they leave home. They are doing badly in school, at exams etc. They’ve being staying with me twice a year since they were a few months old. I can look back to how they were treated in toddler years and see almost nothing has changed I.e will consume no vegetables or fruit to the point that onion and carrots have to be picked out of meals, at 5 and 6 years old the kids went to bed when they felt like it (even if it was 2am!) and had unlimited screen time, bad manners were laughed at, if they had been treated to theme park tickets or a show and one child didn’t feel like it - the whole family wouldn’t go and the money would be wasted or me or another host would be expected to stay at home with the child who had refused (despite being the one who had paid for the tickets!). These teens now have hardly any interest in the outside world. They just want to stay at home, eating junk food, staying up or sleeping in late glued to screens, leaving mess everywhere (I.e five dirty plates instead of just washing up the one they used 20 minutes before!). There’s no concept that most people do not live like this or that someone has had to take annual leave and fork out a lot of money to host them and that maybe the host would appreciate a basic communication re meal times, bathroom use, a thank you now and again, help with washing up, a chance to nip out for some fresh air or a quiet home for an hour.

It’s hard to comprehend how people raise children like this and live like this on a daily basis.

name what happens if you dictate terms a bit? "I'll leave yoghurt and fruit and cereal for breakfast, sort yourselves out, tell me know if you want us all to go out together otherwise I'll be off at 10 and back at 4" sort of thing?

*now, not know

@EssentialHummus I cannot leave them in the house unattended. They go through all the private stuff, pick leather off the sofa, grout out of the tiles, peel wallpaper off. I wish I was joking.

They leave the kitchen an absolute bomb site if I get them to sort food out and damage units, break knobs off the hob, burn pans etc.

If it weren’t for senior members of the family, I would go no contact with them. I’m the scapegoat of the family so am expected to put up with the bad behaviour.

Oh Lord name that sounds terrible! I'm sorry.

Maybe it’s the other way round OP- the children I. The high energy family aren’t the way they are because of the lifestyle, more that their natural personalities mean they are able to deal with being on the go all the time? If they had more sensitive, introverted children, the family might have evolved differently?

We are a high energy family. We are generally just "busy". When you say you're just chilling, what does that mean? I don't really watch TV. I will read a book or a magazine but I couldn't just sit down in the day and do nothing - especially as there is always something to do around the house. My 4 DC (6,9,11,14) are pretty high energy too. I have two who are happy to potter about (baking, playing Lego etc) but the other two need to be moving which can make it painful just to "be" at home. Yesterday for instance we had a day of nothing planned and ended up going for a walk with family in the morning, hosting lunch for some friends and then going out canoeing with them on the nearby river. We're not actively trying to fill the time and actually we are very easy going. I do wish sometimes we were better at downtime as I'm sure it would mean my house were tidier or my garden might get done but ultimately we have a great time and everyone seems pretty happy.

We're a high charged family. Being from two big competitive cities, DH and I have an urgent sense of grabbing every opportunity possible. We did the whole 3-5 toddler groups when I could, and the taking a train to France / Europe thing too when both were under 5. We love the museums around us and in London and can't understand friends who have only every been once, despite living closer to them. We have just had to scale back on sports for DS1 due to the increasing commitment expected. And we are giving one DS (3) a break from sports and music for a bit.

My DM was an opportunist as she had everything against her in life (ethnicity, heritage, postcode etc), and would rush us up to Central London on the train on a Sunday afternoon to get in for free (back when they charged), even if it was just for 2 hours, and the same for galleries. She would travel with us to places that she wasn't familiar with to allow us to holiday (off the beaten track). She couldn't swim to save her life but would take us to the local swimming pool for lessons every Saturday morning, ditto violin, piano etc.

I get drained by my less energetic friends to be honest. When we've holidayed with them we made breakfast, lunch and dinner and still did things with the DC and their DC. I do believe that people deserve their holidays and should get to lie in, but not until 10am for 8 days running! Then only spend 2 hours in the main capital of the country that they are visiting without seeing anything. And then moaning about wanting to see more waterfalls!

Crikey Namechange84 that sounds incredibly challenging and incredibly selfish of your guests (more specifically the parents who raised their DC to be like this). I have every sympathy because I have experience of similar behaviour but not quite to the same degree! I regularly host a guest who gets up later than everyone else and just after I have spent time clearing up breakfast, they are getting all the breakfast things out again and then they don't want to eat lunch at the same time when everyone else is hungry and so it goes on. I find myself biting my lip a lot of the time! I find most people who don't host regularly can sometimes be terrible guests themselves because they don't understand the cost and time and energy involved in hosting. I hazard a guess your extended family don't host often themselves? Could you politely but firmly lay down the law a bit more on future visits? I wouldn't be cooking separate meals for example. I'd be tempted to say something like "breakfast is at 9.30 and dinner will be at 7.30 pm, please go and get lunch out somewhere yourselves, and it would be helpful please from now on if you would all eat the same thing". How would that go down? I think you deserve a medal btw!

I think you have hit the nail on the head there Iwouldprefernoto about the activities not being particularly child-centred. So the children benefit (enjoying a lovely meal but with the she satisfaction of having earned it by helping with adult tasks). I agree it works well when everyone is prepared to chip in doing something that suits their individual skills too where possible and everyone gets a little time out from the group.

Essentialhummous Yes I'm sure whether one is introvert or extrovert influences this too. Not that introverts are low energy necessarily, not at all, but perhaps they can achieve more whe left to their own devices.

Interesting about the 'competitive city', I wonder if there's an rural/urban thing as well.

I will happily hike all day or spent hours working on an allotment/picking fruit and come back 'happy tired'

We do occasionally go up to London for cultural stuff/museum visits and though I enjoy the ballet/museum I find the experience exhausting.

25k walk up an Alp = less stressful than the tube!

DP and I are knackered after working and always in need of R&R by the time we reach our holidays. I thought everyone was like this?

Artesia in the case of family number 1, the father is so over the top high energy and very charismatic and funny (think Stanley Johnson on speed) ) that all the rest of them fall in to line and follow his lead. I don't know what would have happened if they had had a very introverted sensitive child tbh. Happily all the children seem equally sporty, confident and prepared to go with the flow. Possibly out of habit? Possibly because they had little choice in the matter?

Teaddict yes it is during the holidays that these differences tend to come to light!

Hoolajerry family no 1's house was pretty chaotic tbh but not unclean or disgusting in any way. It was very comfortable actually if you didn't mind dogs and bridles in the sitting room! It just looked like a house in which there was a lot going on. Personally, I think it's far better to spend time canoeing then dusting!

@camomila

I think you may be right. I moved from London to a farm and find it easier to br busy all weekend without being exhausted. It's also much easier to keep a baby entertained when you can step out of the door and take them to watch the chickens and ducks

should get to lie in, but not until 10am

I consider 10am early in the holidays. 😳

howwudufeel I guess though that everyone's version of R and R is different (not better or worse just different). We have just been on holiday where we averaged 8 miles walk per day. We also played board games, swam in the river and built dens in the woods. Don't think it would be everyone's cup of tea but we came home relaxed as we were able to forget about work. Having DC also changes what r and r means.

I feel like a lot of "busy" people tend to do stuff just for the sake of it or because they feel guilty doing nothing. A lot of people I know like that don't seem particularly happy.

I'd rather be a bit lazy but when I do stuff I actually enjoy it.

We're saving up for a mortgage too and not much to do where I live that isn't free. So lazing around the house is just what we have to do sometimes.

That IS free

With regard to your reflection OP. You have to parent the children you have not those you'd like. Introversion/extroversion is just one aspect as are energy levels and interests. You can encourage and influence to push a bit out of comfort zones but be wary. Push too much against who they naturally are and they will ultimately believe you don't really love them for who they really are....

Good heavens. What a lot of competitive "busy-ness".

Summer holidays are for lazing around, watching some crap tv, reading, staring into space... I have very fond memories of Robinson Crusoe and Daktari on the television in the morning (shows my age...).

I am not impressed by people always going somewhere. Are you actually looking at anything? Or just doing something for something's sake? And those who are beetling around doing numerous after-school activities, moving from one thing to another - what's the point? You are just creating traffic jams and fumes.

It all sounds exhausting and show-offy.

Hoolajerry we have the same idea of what makes a good holiday

Poor DH I suspect is bored quite a lot of the 'down' time though. Are you all similar to your DH/DPs in terms of energy levels/favourite activities?

DS luckily is happy either way.

Somewhere in the middle. Family no 1 seem a bit ott to me. Who hosts another family the day after a long haul flight? Do they not have washing to do like normal people lol
When my DC were small they did what we decided to do but it changes a bit once they’re teens.

We tend to do a busy day alternated with a day at home doing what we want.