Allergic reaction after birthday party - WWYD?

[SinkGirl]

Took my twins to a birthday party yesterday - it was absolutely wonderful. My boys are autistic and I wasn’t sure how they would cope, but they had a fantastic time. The host, another twin Mum I’ve known since they were all babies, went to incredible lengths to cater to their CMPA - she’d bought them special cupcakes for the party, and for their party bag, and dairy free chocolate too. They rarely get things like this so it was a huge treat for them and I was beyond grateful. I never expect anyone to go out of their way like this (I grew up with a nut allergy and was used to just not eating at birthday parties!) so I was so touched by her efforts.

Last night about 11pm, one of my twins woke up screaming - he had leaked poo everywhere and was in a lot of pain as the poo had burnt his skin and he was bleeding in some patches. He was in so much pain when I was cleaning him up. Basically he’s had something he’s allergic to, this is exactly how he reacts.

The only thing I can think of is that the sandwiches on their table had butter in them rather than dairy free spread. I was really flustered at the time dealing with the other twin and didn’t question it like I should have done, which makes it completely my fault. I feel absolutely awful that a) I wasn’t more careful and b) she went to so much effort and expense to cater for them and he’s ended up with this reaction.

He had a ham sandwich and his twin had jam - I’m trying to figure out whether the jam ones had butter in as well to see whether the other twin is about to react too. There’s also the question of whether it was butter or not - if not, I need to consider whether he’s reacted to something else.

Would you ask? I want to avoid her feeling bad at all costs as it’s not her fault in the slightest. We had such a wonderful time and I’m gutted that it’s happened and DT2 is now suffering because I’m an idiot! Still, I should try to figure out what’s caused it in case it is something else.

Sink I found out recently that many CMPA sufferers are also allergic to soya, which is often used as a dairy alternative and is in all sorts of food anyway (e.g. bread). So if it isn't the dairy, could it be that or do you know they don't react to it? I also wouldn't mention it (fellow nut allergy sufferer and parent of nut allergy sufferer).

Don't ask.

Just pack up a little birthday box for your twins next time - everyone will be happy with that. The hosts don't have to worry, you don't have to worry.

He didn't accept another child's chocolate did he?

They used to react to soy as well but fortunately they’ve been fine with it for a year or so now - even have soy yoghurts sometimes with no issues so that’s one thing I can rule out.

I’m thinking it’s probably either the sausages or the ham so I’ll be really super vigilant with those things in future. I’ve bought them cocktail sausages before from a couple of places (definitely Tesco, not sure where else) which were definitely milk free - would be handy to know where these came from to check but clearly I can’t ask.

I used to pack up a box for ds for parties.

It's easy when they are little,it gets really hard when they are teens ime and think they are invincible.

No, don't ask her.
It won't come across well. It will sound blaming and as you say, she tried hard to include them (very kind of her to think of their requirements on top of organising the rest of the party). Don't put a downer on it. Next time just take your own food for them.

I just think that asking won't really help you work out what it was and will only make her feel as bad as you clearly do. Neither of you are to blame; it's just one of those things. The fact that they had a lovely time at the party (possibly helped by you feeling more relaxed there) is great and will hopefully help with their anxiety over future similar events, so try not to let this blip overshadow that feeling of success.

The reason that people are warning that they might not invite a child again is fear that even though they thought they’d covered all the hazards, they hadn’t. The constant worry is that if you make an error, you harm the child, or risk them having hospitalisation or death.
So having failed as a host once, the fear intensifies and it’s easier just to back away.
I think you’ve handled the whole thing brilliantly.

@SinkGirl. I think you're right not to mention it to the party mum. She seems to have done everything that she can to make everything right and you do what you can ensure your boys are alright, so I think it's just one of those unfortunate things.

My DDs best friend is dairy free and she was here for tea one night. Her mum said she could have sausages so that's what she had. She was so sick afterwards I felt so awful.

I should say that I did check the ingredients first and they were suppose to be 'good' sausages, but she was still I'll afterwards.

Ignore Billie OP

I think there's no point asking the host, I can see why you want to but I think it will just upset her and you will be none the wiser

It could so easily have been cross contamination with another child, or even in the factory. Something like that. Don't blame yourself, these things can happen, you thought all the food was safe as did the host.

In future I guess bring your own food. If the host buys a dairy free cake I would eat that but for the general party food probably best to bring your own just to avoid simple cross contamination.

Your poor DT, hope he feels better soon

My kids both have allergies, so i can empathise. I really wouldn't mention it to the party mum.

Ham sounds likely as so few people realise it can often contain milk. We've been caught out a few times with that despite specifically saying to check the ham as people don't believe you.

I'm really sorry this has happened. You've in now way implied this is anyone else's fault. I hope he's feeling a little better. X

*no way

For what it's worth:

The people having a pop at you OP are reading this with their own filters on so they are reading their own response/prejudice not yours. I very rarely comment on mn but couldn't skip past this thread. You sound balanced and practical and asked a very sensible question and have been listening to opinions.

Also-I'm GF and have been for a very long time. That's my responsibility but I appreciate people who help me by catering/asking very very much.

And I also wanted to say that those who wouldn't invite children to a party with allergies? Just ask, pay attention and it'll be fine. If you don't invite what you're telling your DC is that it's ok to exclude people on the grounds that they are different. You may be comfortable with that, but the day your DC are excluded for their differences, and in life it will come, you cannot make any sort of a fuss or a comment about it. To those who "accommodate" I take my hat off to you. Sometimes it's not straightforward, especially if your child's favourite food is one their best mate can't eat, but a substitution is generally possible. And as the OP said her twins weren't bothered about the main cake, they were too busy being pleased with their cupcakes.

I wouldn't ask the host, no.

While I can see you would want to know what has triggered the reaction this time, it won't always be possible to find out and it's not a case of blaming anyone (including yourself, OP) so I'd try and put it down to just one of those things.

In future I would make it clear to host that you will bring all their food, and insist upon it. You know what products and brands are best for them.

I wouldn't tell or ask this lady though, her she sounds lovely and there's nothing useful to come out of telling her now.

I wouldn’t tell her - you can’t change anything now and no matter how you say it she will hear that she made your dc ill and feel terrible. If you knew for sure she had done something wrong then it might be worth mentioning but it could be her mistake or it could be that your dc accidentally got the wrong food (from somebody else). So you will hurt her feelings and she can’t necessarily change anything for next time iyswim.
I remember spending ages reading food labels for a friend’s dc only for a relative to try to give him a Babybel!
I have a dc who is still CMPI but has grown out of a soya intolerance. I have found that if he has a lot of soya he can still react in a similar way to your dc. He is fine with a soya yoghurt or spread but if has a cake loaded with icing or too much soya ice cream he still reacts. Could it be that?

I wouldn't say anything to her.

She'll feel awful and that you're blaming her even if you word it kindly.

@SinkGirl I have read quite a few of your comments on other threads and you are always friendly, fair and kind, so don't listen to any rude comments on this thread. It's obvious how grateful you are to the party mum, she sounds very thoughtful... But don't give yourself a hard time either, you did your best and its almost impossible to always be 100% on guard.

Maybe you could ask where she got the sausages... Say you personally really liked them(you could say you snaffled one from your sons plate) and you don't usually like them, so you were curious where she got them.

@MsPickle my 1yr old DD was uninvited from a 1yr olds party because we saw the host Mum at a gathering a few days before and she was worried her DD would catch my DD’s eczema.
My DD has numerous food allergies and had a flare up on her face. After the gathering she messaged me and asked me not to bring DD to the party as they were going on holiday shortly after and she didn’t want her DD to catch my DD’s eczema.
I no longer see them.

I’m a little alarmed by how many people are saying they wouldn’t invite a child again if they were told about this - that’s really sad. It would be different if the parent were ungrateful after you made an effort, but asking about a potential accidental giving of an allergen shouldn’t mean you exclude kids with allergies. Asking them to bring food instead in future would be fine (like I say, I did take food but she’d gone to so much effort I would have felt really rude to give them our own food instead)

You said yourself that it could have come from cross-contamination/ However lovely the friends, and however kindly you asked the question, they'll feel as badly as you, and be so worried that they wouldn't even be confident that you bring your own food would be okay. They'd worry about accidental contact and decide that they just couldn't bear the repsonsibility.

I'm not saying I would.I honestly don't know. But i wouldn't risk upsetting scaring someone who'd been so incredibly careful and kind. There's absoutely nothing to be gained.

How can anyone uninvite or leave out a child because they have allergies?! That’s just lazy and down right mean. Karma people, karma will get you and your own kids for that kind of thing.

I think people would be nervous about future invitations if it was widely known that Party mum did x y and z to support the allergies but allergy mum rang to challenge the food given as reaction was had.
I think it's a very difficult conversation to have without making party mum sound like she did something wrong, when her intentions were great.