Allergic reaction after birthday party - WWYD?

[SinkGirl]

Took my twins to a birthday party yesterday - it was absolutely wonderful. My boys are autistic and I wasn’t sure how they would cope, but they had a fantastic time. The host, another twin Mum I’ve known since they were all babies, went to incredible lengths to cater to their CMPA - she’d bought them special cupcakes for the party, and for their party bag, and dairy free chocolate too. They rarely get things like this so it was a huge treat for them and I was beyond grateful. I never expect anyone to go out of their way like this (I grew up with a nut allergy and was used to just not eating at birthday parties!) so I was so touched by her efforts.

Last night about 11pm, one of my twins woke up screaming - he had leaked poo everywhere and was in a lot of pain as the poo had burnt his skin and he was bleeding in some patches. He was in so much pain when I was cleaning him up. Basically he’s had something he’s allergic to, this is exactly how he reacts.

The only thing I can think of is that the sandwiches on their table had butter in them rather than dairy free spread. I was really flustered at the time dealing with the other twin and didn’t question it like I should have done, which makes it completely my fault. I feel absolutely awful that a) I wasn’t more careful and b) she went to so much effort and expense to cater for them and he’s ended up with this reaction.

He had a ham sandwich and his twin had jam - I’m trying to figure out whether the jam ones had butter in as well to see whether the other twin is about to react too. There’s also the question of whether it was butter or not - if not, I need to consider whether he’s reacted to something else.

Would you ask? I want to avoid her feeling bad at all costs as it’s not her fault in the slightest. We had such a wonderful time and I’m gutted that it’s happened and DT2 is now suffering because I’m an idiot! Still, I should try to figure out what’s caused it in case it is something else.

I would want to know tbh, if I were her. And I'd also want to know for sure if I were you in case it could be a new allergen.

A little boy came out in hives and started wheezing at my DC's party, it was the first time he'd had a certain food and he was allergic! I'd probably have fed him it again if it had been a delayed reaction, as might your host. She might be catering for a child who is ige to cmp at some point, and you'd be doing her a favour talking about it now.

Some bread and ham contains milk products, if he's v sensitive it could be that? Or crisps with milk in? or maybe she bought margarine thinking it was df?

Fuckfaceplatapus - nope, common misperception that. CMPA manifests hours later, symptoms typically peak 8-48 hours after having dairy.

If you know that’d how they react to butter, there is no need to ask. If the cupcakes were bought rather than homemade ask her for the brand but don’t mention the reaction, then go and check the label.

I would say, you shouldn’t mention the reaction as she is likely to feel scared to invite them again. I guess that you understand now why you were not having food in parties. Personally, we have had more problems with people trying too hard to be inclusive than with those who accept to let us bring our own food and do not offer other alternatives.

SinkGirl it would have been impossible to figure out if there was butter in the sandwiches unless you'd asked her, so if she had given you the impression that the food on offer was safe for your DCs to eat, you can't blame yourself. If I were you, I would ask her, as PPs have said, playing down the reaction, because if she tells you it was definitely dairy free spread you need to know. Hope your poor boy is ok soon.

I wouldn’t. As a pp has said, she may well decide not to bother in future.

Re mentioning the spread ‘for future reference’ - wait until the next event and tell her then. She doesn’t need to know today, when the link will be obvious.

I hope he feels better soon and his brother doesn’t react also.

I would not be asking. I wouldn't even be considering asking. She has done a lovely thing from the kindness of her heart this will make her feel terrible and really what is to be gained? You can sort of narrow it down. You're child is fine, next time send your own food.

If I was that mum and you asked me I don't think I would bother again, sorry OP.

I wouldn't ask now, but if they eat with her again mention it then.

No, don't ask.

I have coeliac disease and DD is gluten intolerant. Friends go to huge efforts for us but probably 25% of the time one or other of us is ill. Last time we went to a party DBro and SIL hosted, DD spent the whole time vomiting in their toilet. We kept it low key and didn't point out it was definitely the food. SIL had gone to huge efforts to find gluten free and keep it separate and I felt it was mean to then tell her all her efforts were not enough. I suspect it had happened when DD got seconds as other guests contaminate stuff very easily.

The same could have happened to your poor boy. Even with every effort by the host, another child could have cross contaminated something. Parties are never going to be like eating at home where you know exactly what to buy and exactly how to avoid contamination.

I think if you mention it the only likely outcome is that they won't get asked again, sadly.

Hope your poor boy feels better soon.

I don’t know how they’d react to butter specifically as they’ve never had it. But it’s exactly how they’ve reacted to dairy in the past.

The cupcakes they had were Genius brand, labelled milk free but you never know - their last reaction was to coconut yoghurt after a batch was contaminated by dairy in the factory. Other than that I’ve managed to avoid them reacting for over two years. I am extremely careful. I did take food for them (I take food everywhere) but she’d gone to such lengths that I would have felt extremely rude if I’d refused. I should have asked though.

Her twins had CMPA as babies, so she’s very familiar with it - they’ve outgrown it now fortunately, but she would know butter is an issue. I know she had family helping so it’s possible someone else made them. There were multiple plates so maybe she made a DF plate but they got mixed up... who knows. Not her fault at all because they shouldn’t eat anything I haven’t checked first.

It’s difficult because I would want to know but I’d also feel terrible and that’s the last thing I want.

His allergic reaction would of come up straight away after eating, not hours afterwards.

You must know more than the allergy specialist he’s under, and all the literature on allergies.

If I ate nuts, I’d react straight away. I have anaphylaxis.
If DT2 had lightly cooked egg, he’d react straight away with hives. This is an IgE reaction.
If either twin has dairy, they react usually 8-12 hours later with nappies like this, followed by a flare up of eczema. This is a non-IgE reaction.

Do you know exactly what was in the ‘dairy free’ cupcakes? I only ask because my son who has a milk and egg allergy was once given a glunten free cull cake by the well meaning host.

By that I mean the cup cake was gluten free but contained milk and egg!

She gave them to me in the packaging so I could check them. Like I say, she was brilliant and so thoughtful. This is partly why I’m concerned he may have reacted to something else!

I would not mention it to her, at a party there's a good chance he managed to eat something he shouldn't if other kids had food with dairy in it. You could ask if the cakes were bought/could you have the recipe because they liked them perhaps?

Allergies get easier as they grow, dd by 6 was able to manage hers pretty well (she's also autistic) the only issue has been trying to gradually reintroduce foods as she grew, some allergens don't affect them once they are older but she (now adult) still won't touch lots of foods.

check the ham.
some, especially the cheap ones an cintain dairy...

Yes, very good point about the ham. They don’t eat it normally so I hadn’t even realised that some contain milk.

The only other query in my mind is cocktail sausages - I know some kids react to sausages, again it’s something they don’t have often.

This is why it would be really handy to know - if she said no, the sandwiches had DF spread I’d then be looking at avoiding the other things.

The cupcakes were definitely labelled milk free and are a well known free from brand, but I know from experience that even those things can have contamination issues.

I wouldn't say anything. Her DTs might have reacted to dairy in a different way, e.g. DS got hives almost immediately so rarely ate enough to have a gut reaction. Although I do tend to make everything e.g. gluten free when catering for the Coeliacs in the family, it makes it a lot less stressful all round. Although I've had guests turn up with both gluten free and gluten containing foods in the same container which still causes an issue.

Could well be the ham actually. I know that certain salami contains milk, something you’d never think to check. I wouldn’t ask her now. If I were her I’d feel completely awful and I do think however it’s phrased she will feel like it’s her fault.

Sausages and ham can both have milk in.

I wouldn’t ask either. It will taint the whole day for her and she and other parents may stop issuing invites.

What about crisps - did they have any? Things like Doritos contain milk powder.

When catering for a friends child who was allergic to milk I was astonished by how many products had milk powder hidden in them.

Does what he/they ate make any difference to how you would handle the allergic reaction? If not I wouldn't mention it, as there's nothing to gained. I hope he feels better soon and that your other wee boy doesn't get ill.

I agree with the pps saying don't ask. It's unfortunate but you have narrowed it down to likely causes and asking her for a list of all ingredients/brands, no matter how nicely you do it or how effusive you were in your thanks, will only tell her she got it badly wrong. She's obviously a thoughtful person so it seems unlikely she'd be the type to just shrug it off, she'll probably feel awful.

I know it must be so difficult for parents dealing with this day in, day out but if I had gone to so much thought and effort (and possibly expense) and still got it wrong I'd be too worried to invite them again. I'd most likely tell other parents, not in a don't invite them way but so they know they have to be extremely careful. The upshot could be that people are too afraid to risk it and your twins don't get invited to parties which would be shit .

I think you're just going to have to remain vigilant and if it's something they don't usually have, even if you don't think it contains something they'll react to, best avoid at a party to be safe.

I wouldn't mention it as she went to a lot of time and effort to cater for the twins and if she believes she missed something, she would feel so guilty . You have narrowed down the culprit and you know how to deal with the repercussions. I would be concerned that mentioning it would mean the twins would not be invited to any future events dues to the potential for reactions. I hope your son is feeling loads better today .

op it might be the jam - with the best will in the world - the jam may have had colouring or it might be the strawberries themselves (experience!) sometime dc can become sensitive to something they have had before & bang full on allergic reaction. I use to take a sandwich box to be sure.

I wouldn’t ask. Next time take ur own food. It’s lovely that this mum has catered for your twins but I can’t see it being the norm at other parties. I’d also wonder why it took so long to give a reaction. Is that usual?