Allergic reaction after birthday party - WWYD?

[SinkGirl]

Took my twins to a birthday party yesterday - it was absolutely wonderful. My boys are autistic and I wasn’t sure how they would cope, but they had a fantastic time. The host, another twin Mum I’ve known since they were all babies, went to incredible lengths to cater to their CMPA - she’d bought them special cupcakes for the party, and for their party bag, and dairy free chocolate too. They rarely get things like this so it was a huge treat for them and I was beyond grateful. I never expect anyone to go out of their way like this (I grew up with a nut allergy and was used to just not eating at birthday parties!) so I was so touched by her efforts.

Last night about 11pm, one of my twins woke up screaming - he had leaked poo everywhere and was in a lot of pain as the poo had burnt his skin and he was bleeding in some patches. He was in so much pain when I was cleaning him up. Basically he’s had something he’s allergic to, this is exactly how he reacts.

The only thing I can think of is that the sandwiches on their table had butter in them rather than dairy free spread. I was really flustered at the time dealing with the other twin and didn’t question it like I should have done, which makes it completely my fault. I feel absolutely awful that a) I wasn’t more careful and b) she went to so much effort and expense to cater for them and he’s ended up with this reaction.

He had a ham sandwich and his twin had jam - I’m trying to figure out whether the jam ones had butter in as well to see whether the other twin is about to react too. There’s also the question of whether it was butter or not - if not, I need to consider whether he’s reacted to something else.

Would you ask? I want to avoid her feeling bad at all costs as it’s not her fault in the slightest. We had such a wonderful time and I’m gutted that it’s happened and DT2 is now suffering because I’m an idiot! Still, I should try to figure out what’s caused it in case it is something else.

Don't mention it. The chances are that it will have been something like one of the helpers using a knife with butter on or mixing up the dairy-free plate, so you will cause all that upset and still not discover what caused the reaction.

Perhaps you could send a message “which ham was on the butties? Ds doesnt normally have ham but loved that one” and then you could check the ingredients with no hint to reaction?

I came on to say ham too. And something that people would rarely think to check. We’ve been caught out with ham in the past.

I think it very unlikely that it would be butter - if she’s knowledgeable about CMPA like you say, having dealt with it, and went to such other lengths, I’d assume it probable any sandwiches were all made with dairy free spread. The ham or sausages sound likely, especially if they’ve not really had them before.

How rubbish. I think parties fit those with allergies work best when everyone has a lunchbox rather than plates on the table. Much less chance of cross-contamination and no one feels singled out.

Another vote for don’t ask. You might still not get an answer as to what it was (if she swears everything was correct then you still don’t know what has caused this) but you will have upset her. It must be so frustrating but I feel your anxiety is feeding this urge to ask and yet you probably won’t feel any less anxious about it all.
If she was your childminder who’d be feeding your twins often then yes you’d be sensible to ask. But as a friend who has hosted a party, no. You’ve another year before it would even be an issue and by then things could be very different or you may have decided to take your own food on outings.
Hope your wee boy is not too bad today and his twin is fine.

Don't ask her. You have dealt with it now. All you will achieve is upsetting someone who has gone to a lot of effort and ensure your kids never get invited to another party.

Might well have been the ham. DS is epipen allergic to nuts, a boy in his class is epipen allergic to dairy. Me and the mum get on well and we have talked about allergies in the past. I was amazed when she said a lot of ham contains milk. Unless you have to know you probably wouldn't iykwim.
Hope your boy is better soon.

Butter contains very little cows milk protein, I understand (due to being milk fat not milk protein) not that I have ever risked it with my own allergic DC.

My own experience of other people's catering is that this is likely to be a margarine that they have assumed is dairy free but which has got added milk or whey in it. Ham could be the culprit, or bread, but it's been years since i have encountered either containing milk. As to why your other DC didn't react? There was less on their sandwich or their allergy has waned a bit since the last exposure.

Maybe the bread had milk in it?

I wouldn't say anything.

Jam can contain a small amount of dairy - it is traditional to add a knob of butter to reduce foaming in homemade jam so is it possible that the similar is done in commercial jam?

His allergic reaction would of come up straight away after eating, not hours afterwards.

Which medical school did you go to?

Don't say anything, although if she's on Mumsnet she's likely to recognise this anyway.

I wouldn’t say a word. You have more to lose than to gain by asking imo

Another vote for don’t ask. My child has multiple food allergies. I always offer to take a plate. Quite often the host refuses. It puts me on edge the whole time. She had a reaction at one party when the host gave her a sweet with the allergen in (accidentally of course). She spent the remainder of the party vomiting, until we could go home.
I do worry it puts people off asking us.
My child has also has had airborne reactions when in close contact with an allergen, even when not ingested or touched. I don’t know if the same can apply to CMPA?

Cocktail sausages often contain casein. Definitely off limits for our dairy allergic kids. It might not be butter at all OP. I'd go easy on your mate, it sounds like there were lots of new foods tried at the party. Hope the bums recover soon.

I wouldn't, she went to a huge effort which still resulted in illness and it might make her think fuck it for next time.
Cross contamination could have come from many sources.

For the love of God, why would you do that to her?

You'll NEVER be invited anywhere again.

Say nothing, I say this kindly, say nothing.

I’d also wonder why it took so long to give a reaction. Is that usual?

Very usual for CMPA. Some children have IgE or anaphylaxis to dairy, but most kids with an allergy to cows milk protein have the non-IgE type which is a delayed reaction, usually gastric and skin issues like eczema, nappy rash etc.

Thanks for all the advice. I won’t raise it. I don’t think she uses MN but if she does hopefully she will see how grateful I am for how much effort she put in, and that I’m prioritising her feelings.

I’m a little alarmed by how many people are saying they wouldn’t invite a child again if they were told about this - that’s really sad. It would be different if the parent were ungrateful after you made an effort, but asking about a potential accidental giving of an allergen shouldn’t mean you exclude kids with allergies. Asking them to bring food instead in future would be fine (like I say, I did take food but she’d gone to so much effort I would have felt really rude to give them our own food instead). Obviously lesson learned there too. Just make parents aware if allergens will (or even might) be present and then they can decide for themselves. I never ever expect people to go out of their way to cater for them so I think this is why I was caught off guard.

No sign of a reaction from his twin - but he didn’t have any of the ham sandwiches or sausages as he doesn’t like those things (which is why we never have them). He only had the jam sandwiches. So either it was the spread / butter on the ham sandwiches, or the ham or sausages. They always react to the same things, or they have in the past, but it doesn’t happen often as I’m usually so careful. I’m really kicking myself.

The next party is ours, so the whole thing will be DF so no worries there!

Good luck with your twins going forward. Theyr'e YOUR twins though.

Excuse me?

ODFO BillieEilish

What?

Good God, mumsnet sometimes.

Forget my advice and tell the mother, please do.

I literally could not have made it any more clear that this is MY FAULT. Not her fault. Or how much I appreciate her going out of her way to include my children.

Do you have the slightest bloody clue what it’s like to have disabled twins, one with autism, one with autism plus a visual impairment and endocrine issues and brain damage and then dealing with allergies on top? Or what it’s like for your child to be bleeding and screaming and kicking you while you try to clean them up and know it’s your fault, when you can’t even pacify them or explain because they don’t understand words? To not know what he’s reacted to, so you can’t be certain how to prevent it, and being told that if you so much as ask your kids will be excluded indefinitely?

At what point did I suggest it was anyone else’s responsibility?

Most of the comments here have been really helpful and supportive, but I have ignored several that have tried to imply I’m ungrateful or nasty - but congratulations, you’ve made me feel even worse.

What do you mean, 'what?'

Read back and look at how your post comes across.