Wedding - inviting evening guests without partners.

[Treem]

Is this ok or would you be offended?

I know MN frowns upon having evening guests but our venue holds 120 for a sit down meal and there is space for an extra 80 in the evening. Nobody will have far to travel and everybody will know plenty of other people. We'd rather invite 80 people who we know than 40 and their partners!

Doubletrouble I never had an issue about the evening guests. It's certainly not a Scottish thing not to invite Evening guests partners - might actually be one of the few occasions when spouses from groups / workmates actually meet.

If it was a non issue, cultural thing not to invite spouses the Op would never have asked in the first place.
Rude to invite people to celebrate your relationship and ignore theirs.

EdtheBear that’s how you feel.

I would find it far weirder if I was invited with colleagues A, B, and C, but D, E, and F weren’t invited in favour of us bringing our DP’s along .

In fact, last time my work colleague did invite my DP, DP declined as he didn’t want to spend an evening with a load of people he didn’t know, and knew that by declining it would free me up to socialise with colleagues without having to worry about him.

I don’t insist that every wedding also has to be a celebration of MY relationship, that’s a bit weird. I also don’t get huffy about ‘having’ to buy new outfits, as I cycle through the same few dresses I have - no one has ever given the shiniest shite that i’ve not gone out and bought a new one.

Gosh it's totally fine. I really don't get why partners that the bride and groom don't know should be invited in preference to guests that they actually want at the wedding. I've been invited to evening receptions minus DH, and it's absolutely no problem. We're not tied at the hip, and someone else's wedding is obviously not a celebration of my relationship. I think most people I know agree with me...

But then again I like going to weddings of people I care about and I certainly don't consider that I'm doing them a 'favour' by attending. The Mumsnet attitude to weddings is so bizarre.

Evening guests without partners is fine if it's a bunch of friends from work or a club.

Otherwise evening guests with or without partners is edging on the rude.

I am about to be a guest at Wedding number 37, need to recount but have just woken up. Probably about a third haven’t invited my DH or my ex. It honestly never bothered me. For two of these I flew to America by myself, they were not destination weddings the people marrying were American.

The only time I think it’s bad form to not invite partners is if it’s a close relative.

It is not an opportunity to get to know someone’s unknown partner. I made a point of speaking to all my 100 guests obviously it couldn’t be an in depth chat with every single one of them.

Some people are joined at the hip when it comes to their partners it’s either deep love, anxiety, or control. So a lovely reason, a sad reason or a sinister reason. Who of us are to know which it is because couples can hide everything to the outside world and some within their own relationship don’t understand what is going on.

I never get threads where the op asks if she's being unreasonable and mumsnet says yes, then she argues she's not. What's the point in asking.

I don't think evening invites are rude. They are the norm, only on mumsnet have I heard of them being rude.

However I do find not inviting partners very unusual. A wedding is by nature a couple thing, and social norms invite people as couples or families. So to invite eighty people and not their partners is something I personally wouldn't consider.

Two-tier weddings are the height of rudeness

Only on MN, and to the professionally offended.

In the real world, OP, evening guests are a perfectly normal thing and sane people are not offended

I agree with Dyrne here.

Bluntness100 in fairness, this place would become really boring if everyone just accepted after 2 posts. In this case I actually agree with the OP but I love reading posts like:

OP: AIBU to forcefeed my allergic MIL peanuts because she once commented that my habit of holding my baby upside down by the ankle may not be adviseable?

Mumsnet: YABU. And insane

OP: NO I’M NOT YOU’RE ALL HORRIBLE. P.S. MASSIVE DRIPFEED SHE ONCE LOOKED AT ME WEIRDLY!!111one

That is way more fun to read than:

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yep.
OP: Oh, all right then.

My friend and her partner went to a wedding where this happen, her boyfriend had to pay out money for a new outfit/transport/gift/drinks on the day overnight accommodation and take a day off work then didn't even get a meal out of it, he had to wait around outside till he was allowed back in for the evening do and was really annoyed. Think if it was me I'd just invite less people.

I’m Scottish & it’s totally normal here to have day & evening only guests and to invite guests without partners but mainly groups like work colleagues/sports friends etc.

I have no problem with evening invites. It’s lovely to be included. I think it’s a little rude not to invite partners if you have met them but I don’t think plus ones are necessary if people know others there.

'The professionally offended' is a great term. I think these people are more prevalent in MN than in our group of friends.

Good point about inviting partners we know. I dont think we have met many of the partners before. Whoever it was that said our wedding is not the time to get to know unknown partners - exactly that. We will chat to the people we know but I'm not interested in spending time on my wedding day being introduced to new people.

Someone said we obviously dont like these people so why invite them. Well yes we do like them but we are not going to invite them to the day over longer term friends and our families as there simply isn't room.

I have of course considered that people may have paid money to attend. Some of our day guests will have travelled a distance and bought new outfits etc. We are paying for their hotel stays and providing all food and drink as a thank you. As I have said before - no need for evening guests to fork out for anything more than the petrol for the 10 min car journey.

I think if you haven’t met the partners then personally I don’t see any issue.

If I got an invitation without DP from a friend who has never met him I’d be fine about it. Mind you I also have no issue with evening invites - the party is often the best bit. Have a great wedding

Yes will certainly invite partners that we know, but then anyone who we socialise with along with their partners is probably a closer friend and therefore a day invitation.

Treem you sound like you’re going above and beyond providing for your guests and I’m sure it will be a fantastic day - can I come? You don’t even have to invite my DP

Sure Dyrne! Maybe I could invite a group of MNers so that you know others there. Would need some help with how to word 'I'm not asking you for a favour so please only come if you genuinely want to' though

You’ll have to do it in wanky poem format

hmm... should probably be more sophisticated than 'if you dont give a fook, you can sling your hook'

If you’re not going to sit with a Catsbumface
Having you at our wedding would be Ace
We honestly want to spend time with you
But can’t be arsed to meet your DP too!
We’ll provide the naice ham and Pom Bears
We promise you’re not invited just to fill chairs!

Utter genius.

No problem with that at all OP - you do you.

Then again, if it didn't suit me (because I might be the only one on my own or any other reason), I wouldn't go. As long as you didn't mind that, it's fine.

See I always think if you’re really that close to people you would know their partners fairly well too? Or would be interested in meeting them so they’re worth inviting. Your wedding though so your decision - unless every partner was invited except mine I wouldn’t get offended.

I don't mind evening invites, but I've never had an evening invite that didn't include my DH - I would be offended if someone invited me to celebrate their relationship whilst ignoring my own!

Edthebear - Culturally in Scotland weddings have never ever finished after the wedding breakfast. That's the point. I've been to weddings in England where after the reception/meal everyone went home!
In Scotland there is normally a live band playing reels, waltzes and jigs and all the bride and groom's friends and workmates turn up and have a great time.

If you have a social circle/belong to a group where you only ever socialise without partners, then invite them without partners. I don't see anything remotely odd about that.

As for the 'I'm way too important to only go to the evening do' posters, ignore them.
The evening event is simply a party. Who's too good for a party? And since when did People only go to parties as a favour?

Jeeze, I'm a quiet person and not super sociable by any means but I know what a part is. And yep, I'd probably rather go to the evening than be hanging around for the whole day.