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Original poster

Wedding - inviting evening guests without partners.

102 replies

Treem · 15/08/2019 11:38

Is this ok or would you be offended?

I know MN frowns upon having evening guests but our venue holds 120 for a sit down meal and there is space for an extra 80 in the evening. Nobody will have far to travel and everybody will know plenty of other people. We'd rather invite 80 people who we know than 40 and their partners!

OP posts:
DownToTheSeaAgain · 15/08/2019 12:21

I think if you factor in the % who are likely not to come then you may be able to fit the partners. Or just ask fewer people plus one.

Also is it really a free party on you or will they be paying for the majority of their own drink and eating pretty crappy food which is the lot of many evening guests?

lastqueenofscotland · 15/08/2019 12:21

I think it’s fine. You’re the ones paying at the end of the day

Deathgrip · 15/08/2019 12:25

I'd hate to think anyone who attends thinks they are doing us some kind of favour.

Of course they’re doing you a favour by attending your wedding - attending a wedding is expensive and spending money on gifts, clothes, transport, possibly childcare etc to attend your wedding is absolutely for your benefit.

You’re not doing them a favour. You want a big wedding, hence you’re inviting many people. I don’t believe you have 200 people to whom you’re so close that they’d be upset if they weren’t invited to your wedding.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Original poster
Treem · 15/08/2019 12:29

Down - This is something I wondered about. Is it the norm to send out all invitations together? Or do you wait for some responses in case there is going to be room to add in partners?

Yes, all free. We are providing all alcohol and soft drinks. Hopefully the food will be good - our caterers come highly recommended.

OP posts:
velocitygirl7 · 15/08/2019 12:31

We invited work colleagues without partners but wouldn't have done the same with anyone else. I also checked they were ok with it before officially inviting them and all were totally fine and chuffed to be invited. They all turned up as a big gang and had a whale of a time!

Snappedandfarted2019 · 15/08/2019 12:32

Massively rude in my experience not many actually attend the evening do dispite RSVPING but to exclude their partners is CF territory you will find yourself with not many attending the evening do.

Original poster
Treem · 15/08/2019 12:35

Deathgrip - The evening guests aren't going to be spending much. If they want a new outfit up to them but there is no dress code. Travel is local. No childcare needed if partner not invited! No gifts.

Day guests yes we are close (or closely related) to all 120 of them (we have big families and if you think about it, for example, one cousin is actually 4 people if they have 2 kids. We are in our late 30s so many of our guests have multiple children).

OP posts:
Dyrne · 15/08/2019 12:35

In the real world, OP, evening guests are a perfectly normal thing and sane people are not offended. Especially as you’re doing it - colleagues or friends from clubs etc that you see and get on with but don’t tend to meet up with on a one on one basis. If you’re inviting anyone that doesn’t really know people it’s only fair to invite their partner, but you sound like you’ve got that covered.

Your group of friends sounds like mine - evening guests will likely turn up en masse, having met up and travelled there together; most likely all several drinks down already Grin (I have fond memories of getting tanked on the train on the way to an evening do and we nearly missed the stop!)

I don’t understand the angst about wedding invites and the people that kick off about it - MIL is convinced that i’m going to get an invite to DP’s cousin’s wedding - no idea why, as i’ve never even met the bloke! I’m sure he’s lovely and I’ll have a nice time anyway Grin

DownToTheSeaAgain · 15/08/2019 12:39

I would say you invite those you most want to come ( plus partners) then when some of them say no you ask others. We did this and were honest. Ie space has come free would you like to come. If the answer was no then they didn't and we invited someone else. Didn't invite anyone without a partner though even if we'd never met them.

Newmumma83 · 15/08/2019 12:41

@Treem I think it’s fine to invite Co workers without partners, I did ... I actually partnered them up ( as there is always someone that is more of a buddy at work ... when a few dropped out then their partners came instead) and they didn’t seem terribly insulted to be honest they all
Came, and I was even paying for drinks in the evening.

I had no expectation of gifts in the day or night part.

My husband did the same with his colleague , the other evening guests we had had their partners with them.

It’s not rude to invite people to the evening , our evening event was family and my 3 best friends .. and my husbands 2 best friends and partners ... we had 60 guests total our family with kids equalled 50 of those , the evening invite was for those we loved but couldn’t afford to extend the budget to feed them 3 courses and pay for drinks.

I don’t think we would be friends with or invite those who felt that it was a slight to them to not invite and pay for the whole day.

It’s your day do what your comfortable with honestly if people take offence then it’s a few less to invite to your 50th wedding anniversary party 😉

Teddybear45 · 15/08/2019 12:41

Be prepared for most people to say no. People are more likely to come to a wedding breakfast alone than an evening do, and if they only got an invite to the latter they may not bother at all.

Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 12:47

@Treem
i'd hate to think anyone who attends thinks they are doing us some kind of favour.

Of course they are doing you a favour.

You've had nearly unanimous responses here but you're still sure you're doing the right thing. Why did you ask?

EdtheBear · 15/08/2019 12:55

Op think how you'd feel in reverse.

You receive an invite to celebrate somebodies relationship and your significant other isn'tHmm

Another way to think of it is they will all meet your DP but you won't meet theirs. Totally weird.

I think if I received a invite without DP I'd conclude it's an invite out of curtisy rather than you actually wanted me there.

Original poster
Treem · 15/08/2019 12:58

Rubicon - Read the thread. I've responded to the concerns people have and haven't had any measured arguments that have made me think I should invite partners. If someone comes up with something I haven't thought of then great. Totally fine if some people don't come. I will save money on the bar bill.

I have never been to a wedding that hasn't had evening guests. We have been the evening guests to many of the people on our evening guest list. Its not actually considered the height of rudeness in RL.

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 15/08/2019 13:05

I don't get this negativity about evening guests. Any wedding I've been to has this. It's usually for work colleges, sports teammates and other friends and neighbours. They have a buffet and a dance. They don't have to get all dolled up like the other guests just wear their party best. Most club together for a present - work or teammates. so no real need for a big outlay but a good excuse for a knees up. But then I'm Scottish and we have weddings that last into the wee small hours.

Original poster
Treem · 15/08/2019 13:06

EdtheBear - it wouldn't bother me at all. I have been to weddings alone before.

If someone thinks they are invited out of courtesy so be it. The ironic thing is that the only reason I would invites partners is out of courtesy.

OP posts:
Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 13:07

I don't understand why you started, or continued, this thread. I've rarely seen anyone so totally convinced of their own infallibility. Bye

Original poster
Treem · 15/08/2019 13:08

Aha Doubletrouble - also Scottish so is this a cultural difference?

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 15/08/2019 13:09

I think that having evening guests is normal but I wouldn't attend without dh. If I'm going to the trouble of using my precious leisure time going out then I'd want it to be with him. I might make an exception for a sports club social group which would be something I chose to do but work colleagues definately not. I spend enough time with them and not enough time with dh!

Dyrne · 15/08/2019 13:09

I would feel so sad to have a friend that saw coming to my wedding as a massive ballache.

Luckily all of my friends seem to actually like me, and I like them, and I enjoy spending time with them - whether that is seeing them for a whole day, or just in the evening for a few drinks and a dance.

Maybe it’s a difference of what your friendship group is like? If you only have a few select friends then of course you’re going to be offended at a “second tier” invite. If you know loads of people that you get on well with when you see them, but don’t necessarily hang out with one on one; then you’re a lot happier to just pile up for a party.

Original poster
Treem · 15/08/2019 13:10

Not familiar with the concept of a debate Rubicon??

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 15/08/2019 13:10

And yes, apart from very close friends or family I attend weddings as a favour to the bride and groom, not as someting I would activley choose to do with my leisure time.

CakeNinja · 15/08/2019 13:11

I’d go to an evening of a wedding without dp even if I had to travel and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights - if I loved the person enough! Bloody love weddings and social occasions and have no problem even putting money in a card .
Ie - mate from work that I’m not close to and only say hello and goodbye to, wouldn’t travel and pay for accommodation but would go if a few others from work were going.
Versus - best mate from work who I see lots outside of work I would do all things I said above.
OP, your wedding, invite who you want. People can say yes or no, their choice.

Andromeida59 · 15/08/2019 13:29

OP, I'd be more than happy to attend an evening do without my partner. We're not joined at the hip. Both have us have attended events separately and have never been offended if us (as the plus one) hasn't been invited. Plus, when I've attended a wedding as a colleague it's been a good excuse for the work team to be together. It may have been more restricted if partners had been there.

Do what feels right. It's your wedding.

RaininSummer · 15/08/2019 14:01

I wouldn't be offended but unless it was a group of friends also attending with me, I wouldn't go as wedding receptions are terrible when you hardly know anybody.