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Original poster

Wedding - inviting evening guests without partners.

102 replies

Treem · 15/08/2019 11:38

Is this ok or would you be offended?

I know MN frowns upon having evening guests but our venue holds 120 for a sit down meal and there is space for an extra 80 in the evening. Nobody will have far to travel and everybody will know plenty of other people. We'd rather invite 80 people who we know than 40 and their partners!

OP posts:
stucknoue · 15/08/2019 14:33

It's ok to invite people who are part of a group without partners eg work colleagues, sports clubs etc but not friends who don't necessarily know other people going

Original poster
Treem · 15/08/2019 14:49

Thank you for all advice so far! This is what I'm taking away from the thread:

The people who think it is rude to not invite partners seem to be the same people who think evening dos are rude. I think it would be ruder to not invite these 80 people at all. Also evening dos are very much the norm here so I won't be taking your advice.

Some people just wouldn't attend as they don't want to be apart from their partner for the evening - that's totally fine and up to them. Everyone we really really want there will be attending during the day and we could do with cutting down numbers a bit anyway.

Some people would only attend if part of a group or if they knew plenty of other people there. Noted - will make sure nobody is going to feel alone.

Some people think that I'm disrespecting their relationship while asking them to celebrate my own. Ok, fair enough that some people think this way but I think most of our friends are laid back about this. Quite a few of our guests have only invited one of us due to number restrictions and we have never taken offence or not attended.

Some people only go to other people's weddings as a favour to them. If someone was going to do me the favour of attending (and costing me £xxx in alcohol!) but has decided not to because their partner is not invited - then great!

OP posts:
JellyfishAndShells · 15/08/2019 17:12

I went through an evening do recently, as a solo invite. I was not expecting an invite at all, so was charmed to be invited to the evening do. DH was thrilled not to be invited as he would not have known a soul there, except the MOB ( my friend) and and even her very, very slightly. I knew the bride from childhood, the groom in passing, the MOB and a some mutual localish friends who had also been invited as solo guests. We had a great time !

Not rude at all in the circumstances.

My DD got married last year and the decision was made to only have full, day guests - that suited me, personally, as by the time a new tranche of people would have arrived, I would have been flagging a bit with the ‘“Hello, lovely to meet you/how lovely of you to have come ! “

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2019 17:15

You don’t have to invite unknown plus ones, but spouses should be included.

This keeps coming up again and again and it makes no sense. It is odd to exclude long term partners at a wedding.

Anotherusefulname · 15/08/2019 17:21

Fine if you are inviting a group of work colleagues otherwise fine.

My husband and I were recently invited to the evening only of a family wedding. No children allowed. In another country.
I declined.

CherryPlum · 15/08/2019 17:35

So you're inviting some partners, but not all? How odd! You're basically saying 'I have no interest whatsoever in getting to know your partner'. It's rude.

Also, weddings are mostly a total ballache, sorry!

misslomi · 15/08/2019 17:44

For work friends or a friendship group where the partners aren't a part of it I think it's fine to not invite them but I'd invite someones partner if otherwise they wouldn't know anyone.

This sounds like your plan as well OP?

13amielsaoranna · 15/08/2019 17:49

I wouldnt attend, and I think you'll find alot of evening people will decline. I dknt just mean 2 or 3, I think quite a lot wouldnt turn up. So as long as you're okay with this then I say do whatever you want as it's your day, but personally j would invite partners

coconuttelegraph · 15/08/2019 17:51

Apologies if you,'re a new poster but genuinely, what are you expecting to see on this thread that hasn't been posted before? This thread is literally posted every week, there is absolutely nothing new that could be posted and couldn't be summarised by "some people think it's fine, some people dont" and no one is going to change their mind

13amielsaoranna · 15/08/2019 17:52

If you're not bothered if these people are there or not......why on earth are you inviting them.

KronksSpinachPuffs · 15/08/2019 17:53

Not rtft but I think if you know their partner or if theyve been together a while then invite the partners.

I have 3 friends coming to mine where I've not invited their partners but this is because I do not know their partners, in 2 cases they constantly have new boyfriends so they will probably be with someone else next month, and 1 where they have a hugely complicated relationship and they weren't together at the time of doing invitations and seating plans but they are now back together.

AGenericUsername · 15/08/2019 18:02

It's your wedding so you should feel free to invite who ever you want. If I were invited to a wedding but not DH or my DD then I would absolutely decline and just send them a card. I wouldn't be offended that it was a single invite though. Weddings are expensive so I appreciate that not everyone can be invited.

Pancakeflipper · 15/08/2019 18:07

Invites for groups e. Work colleagues, your yoga class seem fine without partners to me, because they'd know people to chat with, maybe travel with if nervous about entering a venue on their own.
But if inviting an individual e.g. Sally whom you walk the dog with... I think that's a +1.

Hope this is your biggest wedding headache.

Doubletrouble99 · 15/08/2019 18:32

Definitely a cultural thing Treem. Is the wedding in Scotland? Mine was but I married an Englishman. Only DH's parents and brother came. We invited all his Aunts and Uncles none came but only one sent an apology and a present!
There really are some miserable folk on here too.

EdtheBear · 15/08/2019 22:54

Cultural thing your arse!. It's just rude not to invite spouses to your wedding. I think the only reason you want to ask these people is so they'll give you a gift.

Doubletrouble99 · 15/08/2019 23:16

EdtheBear - I was replying to Treem we are both Scottish and it's very common to have extra guests at the evening do. They are often workmates or sports team mates who tend to socialise together so no big deal that they are invited together. They also tend to club together and buy one gift. They quite likely would be doing this anyway.

Femodene · 15/08/2019 23:17

Meh. Evening guests=we don’t like you enough to pay to have you at our main meal, or see the ceremony, I don’t get it, I only wanted people who liked/loved us both there on the day we got married and that number is less than 20 but we were railroaded into inviting random strangers thanks to our parents. I recommend eloping. It’s fine to write on an invite ‘the level 4 team!’ Or ‘jack, Sarah, Ruth, Tom and Claire’ for a work group, no boy/girlfriends or spouses since it’s a work group.

Happysummer2020 · 15/08/2019 23:51

The whole concept of evening guests is awful and rude. Don't do it.

Happysummer2020 · 16/08/2019 00:03

Some people only go to other people's weddings as a favour to them. If someone was going to do me the favour of attending (and costing me £xxx in alcohol!) but has decided not to because their partner is not invited - then great!

Many people attend weddings to support the bride and groom but at some personal expense (outfits, babysitting, hotel room, petrol)

Please remember this.

GreenTulips · 16/08/2019 00:05

Rude. I think it’s taking the piss asking people to come and celebrate your relationship while disregarding theirs

What rubbish!! I have loads of work friends and we have great nights out, we don’t invite partners to those. DH goes out with his work friends, plays golf etc and at no point do I feel rejected, or disrespected etc

If a work friend invited us all to a do, we’d go and celebrate, because as grown ups we know that weddings are about family and are expensive. I’d much rather go to the party afterwards than make chit chat to aged aunts over a average dinner.

MyNewBearTotoro · 16/08/2019 00:07

I’ve never heard of evening guests being rude. Surely it’s ruder not to invite somebody at all? Most wedding I’ve been to have included evening guests, the only exceptions have been where the weddings were either very small or where they were at destination locations where everybody needed to travel and stay over. But for a local wedding it’s normal to invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then have colleagues/ hobby friends/ distant relatives etc turn up in the evening.

If you’re inviting a group of friends from work, a club/ sports team etc then you don’t need to include a +1. I’ve attended the evening do of colleagues and we go as a group from work, would never occur to us that partners should be included.

BitchyArriver · 16/08/2019 00:41

Tacky AF

jarofheart · 16/08/2019 00:47

A lot of people on mumsnet think evening invites are rude but in the real world people understand the expense weddings are. A few of my day guests even said to me they will come for the evening to save my expense and a lot of my evening guests said they preferred it. I did get a lot of no shows for evening guests though so maybe you can over invite a little.

Where I got married their wedding brochure mentioned a limit on evening invites. When I mentioned this to the venue planner (as in, "oh I got to decide who to invite to the evening") she said "invite who you want, we make money on the bar bill so we don't restrict numbers as long as it's sensible". Maybe you can check this with your venue?

user1471449295 · 16/08/2019 01:00

I would be happy to attend an evening do without dh, if there was a group of people I knew. I have no problem with evening invites either, I didn’t think anyone did until I joined MN Confused

BackforGood · 16/08/2019 01:01

Absolutely a normal thing in my world, and of course I wouldn't be offended.

As the 2nd reply suggested, it is very normal to invite your team at work, or your friends from a hobby or sports team, without partners, but 'en bloc'.
I went to my first wedding in 1978, and know quite a lot of people from all sorts of different friendship groups, in all sorts of different financial circumstances, so have been to many, many weddings, and it is very, very normal to invite groups of people that you know, as a group, and don't know their partners, to attend together.
If anyone is upset at the idea of going out for a night with a group of friends and not their partner, then obviously they are perfectly free to decline the invitation.

I do find the idea that people are somehow doing you a favour by coming to your wedding incredibly odd.
If I'm invited somewhere, then that it a nice thing, not a chore. It is appreciated by me, that I am invited. I then choose to go or not to go. I would never be so conceited to think that I am somehow doing the host a favour by deigning to grace them with my presence. What an odd way to think about things Hmm