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Original poster

Has anyone had their elderly parents move in with them? How was it?

73 replies

Pricedrop · 12/08/2019 23:08

I can't actually think of another option, so I'm not sure 'how was it' is all that relevant. And I probably don't want to know the answer, do I??

Currently am local, but not local enough to care for them and work and look after kids. Can't afford care homes, if it came to it

OP posts:
Original poster
Pricedrop · 12/08/2019 23:09

What do people DO??

OP posts:
Lumene · 12/08/2019 23:10

Are they not eligible for support if they need help?

Shalom23 · 12/08/2019 23:12

A friend did. It ruined her marriage and family life. She deeply regrets it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's
Original poster
Pricedrop · 12/08/2019 23:13

What support? They own their house, so presumably they are expected to sell it, to pay for anything they need.

Dad has dementia. Mum needs help looking after him

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 12/08/2019 23:18

Is your dad getting care already? Do they have savings? If he needs care (ask social services for an assessment) and they have no savings the care will be free. If they have savings those can go to pay for some help.

Either way contact social services for help before you do anything drastic.

HappyHammy · 12/08/2019 23:25

The o.t. can assess their home situation and supply equipment that might help them. You can read up about funding care if you feel your dad needs to be in a carehome. Does anyone have power of attorney for them. There is help out there. You can call Ageuk, Alzheimers Association and loo, up their local social services site. Their gp practice may have a dementia nurse specialist.

FadedRed · 12/08/2019 23:35

Are they claiming Attendance Allowance? It’s not means tested.
The house would not have to be sold to pay for care home while your mother is living there.

Dowser · 13/08/2019 06:48

You do not have to pay for parents care op
Your parents need an assessment
If they are over 65 the house does not need to be sold while your mum lives there...there may be a charge put against the house for later.

Dementia is a horribleness...it says the strength from everyone involved.

I wouldn’t advise anyone taking this on. It crucifies the living daylights out of you.

When you reach this stage you actuyneed specialist care.
A very good book to read is John suchets..I think it’s called Bonnie
Even he in the end had to succumb to putting his wife in care.

TemporaryPermanent · 13/08/2019 07:08

John Suchet's My Bonnie is very moving (ok i also found it a bit infuriating). The bit where sge goes into residential care and he realises she is actually happier is proper heartbreak.

Right now i would get on to your parent's adult social services dept where they live now and say 'carer breakdown, what can be done' and at least find out if there are any possibilities in the current situation.

Newmumma83 · 13/08/2019 07:20

@Pricedrop contact social services
Depending on level of care needed they can look at home help to assist your mum they will be means tested and the financial support can be put in place to help.
It’s important that your mum doesn’t paint I am coping picture though ( as a lot of people do ) and she really highlights all the challenges. ( assistance is dependent on savings I believe the limit is £25000 per person otherwise the savings will
Need to go towards care costs first )

Option b is a home where he has round the clock care from professionals. Again they can’t make your mum sell the house to put for the care if there is still one person living there. Same rule applies for savings and being means tested, but they will
Assist with cost though it would be a care home on their list as they have a budget.

Your parents will pay some but not all.

As an example my nan cannot move without assistance and then not far , she is alone now as grandad passed she has careers come 3 times a day to get her up
Wash her and make meals.

Family of course visit too she pay for roughly half of the costs. And the council pay the rest.
Also pay someone to clean the house once a week, do the garden once a week and outsource the ironing also ( she doesn’t eat a lot and not going anywhere so it’s just about affordable)

Dementia I understand is a lot more demanding but your dad will be in care at some point because you just can’t keep on top of their needs as it progresses. I k is a guy whose wife got to the point of being in a home about 3 years ago ... she is still alive ... he has good savings but it’s costinf him about £4000 a month ... if your mum sells her house then she will be using that money to pay for initial care costs until she is left with £25k

Saying that her emotional well being is important to and I am not sure at what point it is assessed it’s best to place someone I. Care and at what point that would be an acceptable outcome for your parents x x

lastqueenofscotland · 13/08/2019 07:25

I know literally no one for whom this has gone well.
Every example I know included marriage breakdowns, ruining relationships with teenage children, massive family fall outs.

ShippingNews · 13/08/2019 07:26

I wouldn't do it. I've cared for people with dementia and honestly I wouldn't have a parent at home ( my home) if they had dementia. It gets progressively worse and it drains the life out of everyone who loves them. Your Dad might be OK now, but as time goes on he could become irrational, aggressive, noisy ,or he could wander off . This is why most people with dementia, go into dementia-specific care homes where they are safe .

Go to CAB for information about getting a home assessment , OP. Your parents are entitled to home care , and as time goes on your father may need to be assessed for admission to a care home.

lastqueenofscotland · 13/08/2019 07:27

Also I don’t know your circumstances but I personally wouldn’t have small children around someone with dementia full time. The behaviour can get very very erratic. My friend was a full time carer for her mother who had it and that was rough.

Maykid · 13/08/2019 07:32

It broke my health.

SophyStantonLacy · 13/08/2019 07:33

speak to your adults social services team. They can help you understand the finances and see what options there are.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 13/08/2019 07:37

Don’t do it! My parents initially moved in with one of my siblings to provide childcare. Then the roles switched and it was hell for everybody, including my elderly parents.

winewolfhowls · 13/08/2019 07:49

Honestly, yes honestly, the three people I have experienced as family members with dementia have been happier in a home. The routine made them feel safer and just the company of people watching all day did them good compared to being at home.

My granny was in a super home that looked rather scruffy but the carers were lovely, mostly older ladies who enjoyed spending time with residents. They all dressed up and performed at Christmas type of thing. So look beyond the surroundings and brochures when you visit.

stucknoue · 13/08/2019 07:54

Firstly get a full assessment. Request an nhs continuing care assessment as well as adult social services. Nhs does charge whereas social services is means tested - what savings do they have? Their home will not need to be sold whilst one partner is well enough to live in it but savings over £23k (I think, thresholds change) will need to be exhausted first.

Chitarra · 13/08/2019 07:57

This was fine for my friend, but that is because they had enough space for the older couple to have a little self-contained unit (like a granny flat).

loriat · 13/08/2019 08:38

DH and I cared for my DM in the last few months of her life. She had cancer and although it was a difficult time I'm glad that we were able to provide her with the love and care that she deserved.

A couple of years later my widowed FIL began to show signs of dementia and it soon became apparent that he wasn't going to be able to continue living alone with no support. DH was keen for him to move in with us and because DH had been so unstinting in his care and love for DM, despite my misgivings I felt unable to refuse.

Caring for FIL was very different from caring for DM. DM, though physically frail, was mentally sharp until her death. FIL's confusion increased rapidly once he moved in with us, he became doubly incontinent and took to wandering about the house at night, which meant none of us got any decent sleep. DD2 was living with us when FIL moved in but pretty soon left to live with her boyfriend and 10 years later I still feel guilty that she was effectively forced out of her home. DH's physical and mental health was massively impacted by having to provide pretty much 24 hour care for FIL ( I was working full time for long hours) and our relationship also suffered.

We were accused by one of DH's siblings of only caring for FIL so that we could get our hands on his money. DH has patched things up with this sibling but I still feel like punching him whenever I see him and FIL has been dead for years!

I'm not saying don't do it, but think long and hard about all the implications, these aren't always what you would expect. I don't think I could have done it with young children. Investigate all possible alternatives before you make this massive commitment.

PragmaticWench · 13/08/2019 08:42

There is an Elderly Parents board on here that would be very useful for you OP.

My grandmother moved in with us and whilst there were positives, we certainly should have moved her into residential care much sooner. My parents were deeply impacted by the 24 hour care.

If you are working and also have children I really wouldn't advise you have elderly parents, one with dementia, living with you. You will end up working, looking after your children PLUS doing all the looking after of your parents too, with no respite.

Original poster
Pricedrop · 13/08/2019 08:49

Just checking in. Thanks for all the replies. Lots to think about. Will work my way through all this information carefully. It isn't an appealing option is it? Problem is dad isn't bad enough to go into a home yet but I know he won't want to. Mum is impatient/angry and doesn't want to deal with him at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Pricedrop · 13/08/2019 08:50

If we did this, would definitely need to sell both properties and buy a larger home that could be divided

Maybe I just need to move closer

OP posts:
squashyhat · 13/08/2019 08:54

A friend has done it and it's working ok for her family so far. But the parents are in a self contained annex, and although she (my friend) prepares meals for them her Mum does most of the other care for her Dad who has dementia. They also have a cleaner. It's really so that if there is an emergency or hospital appointments to go to here is help at hand.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 13/08/2019 08:57

This is an area I work in. It rarely goes well. Combining finances is a terrible idea. What if they need to go into care, how will they get their money out of your property
How would you feel about carers coming in if it was needed
Will the property be suitable if they develop mobility problems, can you manage incontinence or challenging behaviour

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