Has anyone had their elderly parents move in with them? How was it?

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I can't actually think of another option, so I'm not sure 'how was it' is all that relevant. And I probably don't want to know the answer, do I??

Currently am local, but not local enough to care for them and work and look after kids. Can't afford care homes, if it came to it

It is pretty much identical to how it was for your parents when you were a baby. You know, when they looked after you, fed you, changed your nappies, did your laundry.

Stuff that the rest of the world does without question, stuff that children growing up here seem to think is someones elses responsibility.

TOgether my understanding is, especially in respect of dementia, people are usually much better off in care homes that are set up to look after dementia patients rather than in their own home as they need the routines and care that these homes can give.

If OP's dad lived with them, would she be able to be responsible for him 24/7? Could she go out and leave him on his own if she needed to get shopping, do the school run?

Culturally it may be what many people do in other countries, but may not actually be in the best interests for all those involved. I am sure the care of some old people in their children's homes is appalling. And also for many cultures it is the eldest son who takes parents in, or moves in with them, but you can bet your bottom dollar it's not him doing the caring, it will be his wife.

togetherin - have you ever looked after a parent FT in your own home?

yes maybe that is what the rest of the word does. They dont have mortgages/rent the size of ours so they dont need both people working.

you can take a baby out with you, its not so easy taking an ill parent. So you are imprisoned in your own home whilst you care for them. And many people cant look after babies themselves anyway and have to work....so i think your arguments are misguided on a number of fronts

Attendance Allowance is non means tested so they don't need to worry about that.
Maybe look into carers help for you mum. Do they know what sort of help they think they need at the moment, is it with personal care or looking after the house, shopping that sort of thing.
www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice

MIL has mildish dementia and is bed-ridden and has carers in 4 times a day and does not have to pay for it as far as I know.

My aunt had my grandmother living with her until my grandmother was 100, she only went into a care home for the last few months of her life because my aunt's husband had cancer. They sold my grandmother's house and used the money to build a granny flat onto the house which had a sort of studio flat with shower and loo. My grandmother did not have dementia or any particular health issues, she could look after herself. And my cousin had left home by then so there was no adverse impact on children.

Stuff that the rest of the world does without question, stuff that children growing up here seem to think is someones elses responsibility

Life expectancy in other countries is far lower than here. The "elderly" parents are probably often the age of the "children" doing the caring here and they are probably in reasonable health until they catch something and don't get the degenerative diseases that you get here because they don't live long enough.

Do look at claiming Attendance Allowance straight away. Not means tested. Make sure that you write every little detail needed ft care. Allowance is backdated to the date you fill in the form. Your mother may be able to get Carers allowance too, if she has not much state pension. But look at Attendance Allowance straight away. Have your parents got Lasting Powers of Attorney set up? They don't need to be activated now but you may need them in the future. Phone Age UK and ask for their very good leaflets on Caring and Going into into care homes and what the rules are about paying for care and carehomes. You need to inform yourself because I have found that no departments seem to coordinate to give you information.

Not read in full but you can get council tax rebate for people with mental health issues including dementia

Op, if you have mobility issues and can’t lift your father, you wouldn’t be able to help much with his physical care. It’s unrealistic to think you could look after him 24/7 even with carers coming in 3 or 4 times a day. It’s a horrible situation to face up to but eventually he will have to go into a home.

As others have said apply for attendance allowance on paper form but seek help from age uk or carers uk before completing it- they know how to word things.

And LPA s can not be put in place for future activation if someone already has dementia and doesn't know what they are doing.

My h is 65 and his father is 92 and was diagnosed with alzheimers early this year. He lives 20 minutes away in an over 60's flat. My h does everything for him, and he has carers. There is no way we could give him adequate care here and tbh he is happiest in surroundings he is familiar with. I have a friend who cares for her elderly mother at home and it has all but destoyed her 40 year old marriage. You can feel the resentment simmering in the air when you go round! I think my fil would be happy in a home, although I strongly suspect he won't survive much longer due to other major health problems. So op, you need to investigate all avenues that do not involve your parents moving in. It was only after my fil was diagnosed that help was forthcoming, and diagnosis itself took 6 months. He gets attendance allowance, which was easy to get as he had had a proper diagnosis. You also don't have to pay council tax if you get attendance allowance. Really his first port of call should be his gp.

I can answer from the perspective of your children rather than you.

My Grandma moved into our house when I was 14. She had Alzheimer's. She'd been living very locally to us previously but my dad was terrified going in every morning that she'd have done something overnight. So she came to live with us, even though we didn't really have the space.

It was hard!! For all of us. My dad had to give up work to care for her. My mum would work all day then have to take over the care of Grandma so my dad could have a break. My siblings and I had to accept not being able to have friends round as much because Grandma got too confused. She called me my dad's name for 4 years!!! That's harsh for a teenage girl

My parents know they won't be coming to live with me, and my sister has told them the same. We would never do it to ourselves or our children.

You've had great advice about speaking to social services and claiming carers/attendance allowance. Get him assessed and try other ways of getting him care. Exhaust ALL other options before considering bringing him into your home. It's difficult and thankless, and leaves you a physical and emotional wreck.

Don't do it. My grandparents lived with us for years when we were young, and then my nan again moved back in after my grandad died. So even though my dad was an a**hole, this was one of the contributing factors to the breakdown of my parents marriage as he felt my mum put her parents before him (she did!) Is there anyway they can move closer to you? Having been through this scenario I would never ask my mum to live with me, although having had the experience of living with her parents she would never do this to any of her children. Growing up was difficult as our house was always full of extended family literally every week, as aunts, uncles, cousins etc were always visiting and it no longer felt like 'our' house but that of our grandparents.

My MIL lives with us, she has done for a couple of years. It was the best thing we have ever done as she wasn't in a safe position before. However, she has been very firm in her opinion that as soon as she needs more care than we can provide she will move into a home. I'm hoping she will still feel the same when the time comes, I think she will. At the moment she is quite forgetful but doesn't seem to be deteriorating quickly.

@T0getherindreams babies aren't (for example) 16 stone dead weights who throw punches, wander the place at night and are only ever going to get more unmanageable. It's a total bollocks comparison.

OP, my mum has cared for the elderly for 50 years, can deal with all manner of things. Caring for her own parents damn near killed her, literally. Dont do it.

The other cultures have wives who are second class citizens, they are expected to do all the shit work and have no choice. I'm sure if they had a choice in the matter they wouldn't choose to care for their in-laws in their old age.

Please don't do it.

We bought a large property with my FIL and cared for him at home until he died. We did the whole thing in consultation with him and my BIL, had a deed of trust drawn up which outlined who owned what percentage of the house and what would happen when he died. My son was 2 when we moved in together and I had my second child 2 years later.

I won't lie, there were times it was hard, especially with a newborn recovering from a c section. I did wipe his bum, clean up poo and change the bed pretty much daily.

When my FIL moved in with us he was relatively stable, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's which later turned out to be a more aggressive form called CBD. It meant we were able to have a clear discussion about what we would and wouldn't do. We adapted the bungalow we bought with a wheelchair in mind, knowing FIL would eventually be in one. He had his own bedroom, sitting room and wet room but we had meals etc together.

I wasn't working at the time as I had small children. I did claim carers allowence and it meant we had to plan days out etc a bit more carefully when he was home alone.

He did develop dementia and wondered in to our room a few times at night but we just took him back to bed.

For the last 6 month he was bed bound, carers came in 3 times a day as he needed 2 people to change him etc.

But my children still talk fondly of him and right at the end when he had lost all ability to communicate he would still smile at my 2 ds when they came in to chat with him, they would show him pictures they had drawn etc.

He died at home with support from the hospice with all of us with him.

I don't regret it, but I wasn't a saint and there were times I was exasperated with him and regretted what we had done but there were times it was ok too. And there is no way my children would have had the relationship with him they did if he hadn't lived with us.

The downside was as he died sooner than we thought he would we had to sell the property when he died as we had not paid off as much of the mortgage as we would have liked and we couldn't afford to buy my BIL out. FIL owned the majority of the property outright and it was hard to lose our home, and took a while to sell as it was so adapted!

Only you know whether it would work for your family. We were lucky that his adult social worker was amazing and we really didn't mind the carers coming in, but it did take a bit of getting used to. Also he was only one parent, I'm really not sure we could have or would have done it if MIL had still been alive.

So it can work, but it can also go wrong and you need to make the best decision for your family.

My mum moved in with me, my partner and our then 7 year old temporarily.
It was the most stressful 7 months of my life. It almost broke me and my partner.
My relationship with my mum is only just returning to normal.
I wouldn't recommend it.

Re care home fees-
my Nan was sectioned due to developing severe Psychosis as part of her dementia. She had lived alone & was taken to an EMI unit for several months.
We were asked to look for a dementia nursing home once she was medicated & had recovered from the Psychosis.
Although she was no longer under a section & owned her own home, the authorities were going to pay her nursing home fees like for the rest of her life. However she passed away quite soon after of aspiration pneumonia which is how many dementia sufferers die. It was very upsetting.

Interestingly the authorities do pay fees in three situations 1) when a person has no funding at all. 2) when the person has been certified by doctors to have less than 6 months to live or 3) if the person has been under a section.

I think the first thing your dad needs is a diagnosis.

For example once the dr gets a diagnosis they would be able to find out what kind of dementia he has.
Some types can be temporarily halted by certain meds.

Phone your dads dr & explain your concerns. Try to get the gp to make a home visit. Remember that the gp will not be able to tell you anything about your dads health as it's patients confidentiality but it doesn't stop you telling the gp things.

I think that if your dad is struggling with daily tasks but your mum is not interested in caring for him, check in with her to find out if she's a bit depressed. Also she may have lots of fears & anxiety about the future.

Regular Carers for dad will be the answer - find out about funding & agencies once you have that diagnosis.

Find out about health & finance power of attorney (in my nans case we were too late to get it because she no longer had capacity).

Get support for your mum from a dementia organisation who can support her & you as next of kin.

Find out about benefits eg carers allowance.

I would personally choose not to live with a person who has dementia especially if I had young children but it's your life.

Think about care homes at some stage but don't worry about it too much at present.
One step at a time.

Another "don't do it" here. My grandmother moved in with us and it was horrible, yes there were some nice moments with my grandmother, but overall the negative effect on our family was terrible. It was so bad, eventually she moved to live with another of her daughters, and they were equally negatively affected, then eventually into a carehome.

The negatives were long-lasting, and to the extent that my parents made myself and my siblings promise never to have them live with us, but to visit regularly in a carehome. Ironically now my mum is widowed she is trying to put pressure on my husband and I to take her into our home. There is no way. We visit regularly and take her to all her hospital appointments, and shopping .... but we cannot take her into our home, and she refuses to go to supported housing or care home. She would do well in supported housing right now, but by the time she is willing to move, I suspect she will need greater nursing care and have to go to a care home instead. We respect her wishes not to go into a care home, but we will not have her moving into our home.