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Original poster

Has anyone had their elderly parents move in with them? How was it?

73 replies

Pricedrop · 12/08/2019 23:08

I can't actually think of another option, so I'm not sure 'how was it' is all that relevant. And I probably don't want to know the answer, do I??

Currently am local, but not local enough to care for them and work and look after kids. Can't afford care homes, if it came to it

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 13/08/2019 08:58

Pooling resources to buy a bigger house can get complicated if one of your parents then needs to go into a care home as a charge may be put on the house in respect of the fees

Original poster

Pricedrop · 13/08/2019 09:05

OP posts:

Wildboar · 13/08/2019 09:08

100% do not move them in with you! It would be incredibly stressful. I would suggest making sure you are entitled to all benefits for your dad. You should have attendance allowance at a minimum. Then secondly, look into getting carers so your mum can have a break. Just taking him out or her going out for a couple of hours will give her some breathing space. They can help with washing dressing etc too if he’s at that stage.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/08/2019 09:26

We had FiL with early vascular dementia move in. At the time we were blithely clueless about dementia - thought it just meant gently getting more forgetful.
After a while it simply became unsustainable - wandering and shouting at night, waking everybody up (we had dds still at school), rages, albeit occasional but really scary, about the most minute things, the endless, endless repetition of the same question - I once counted 35 times in one hour.

After about a year it was time for a good care home - I just couldn't do it any more, I was exhausted.
In short, if there's the slightest question of dementia, do think very very carefully - it can get worse very quickly.

Plus, if you'd be dependent on social services for help (thank God we weren't) they're a lot more likely to largely let you get on with it if you're on the spot and obv. not going to move out.

Dowser · 13/08/2019 09:49

Something financial you might have overlooked
If your parents own their own home andyour dad has a diagnosis of dementia then the council tax should be paid as if only one person was living there
The person with dementia is disregarded
Also see that Attendance allowance is clAimed
Similarly, anyone else in the same boat...No council tax is paid if person with dementia lives alone
The LA don’t tell you this at the assessment
We claimed back over £2000 in council tax that my mum should not have paid.
Also you might be eligible for your mum to have some respite if your dad can go to a care home for a week

I really feel for you op...both mums and aunts dementia kicked in after their husbands passed away

Well, I had to pick up the pieces and couldn’t look after two of them. I was visiting one in one care home and the other In another

When the time comes for a care home...look for one staffed by a mental health nurse
Mum had to go into a nursing home after 4 years in not the best of care homes but I was scared of moving her.
Then they wanted her out as her behaviour had become really challenging.
The difference it made when mum went to the nursing home was phenomenal. She settled down a lot better than I expected and if she was agitated they could give her medication

IAskTooManyQuestions · 13/08/2019 09:55

They own their house, so presumably they are expected to sell it, to pay for anything they need.

Yes, as is right and proper.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 13/08/2019 09:55

I think it is possible if you can afford somewhere that has separate, but attached accommodation.

As an only child, my mother came to live with us after my dad died. She was quite competent, but didn’t drive and was anxious. We were living 250 miles away, so I couldn’t pop in. We had hoped to buy a big enough house to have an annexe, but it wasn’t possible. It was OK for a while, but then she became unwilling to leave the house and showed signs of significant anxiety.

I had to work full time to keep a roof over our heads, DH is self employed and worked long hours. The children were early teens, so still quite needy. She had some health problems and on her last admission to hospital, I just stood in the ward and wept.

She transferred to a nursing home after the hospital, funded by the council, which we topped up. She lived with us for eleven years. My biggest regret is that I became quite resentful and it damaged our previously good relationship. I’m not proud of that. We had no help or support from anywhere or anyone.

I hunk it is possible, but with much forethought.

Lockshunkugel · 13/08/2019 10:05

Op, would you be happy to wipe your Dad’s bottom and change his wet or soiled clothes once he becomes incontinent? You would have to give up your job to be a full time carer if your Mum becomes too frail to cope.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 13/08/2019 10:08

If it would involve both households selling up and buying somewhere bigger you’ll need really good financial advice about inheritance tax and ownership of the new place. Yes it’s right and proper your parents contribute to their care costs, not so sure you should!

dreamingofsun · 13/08/2019 10:20

my mother lived with us for a month. that was long enough....she moved back with her partner after that but i had started to investigate care homes.

she woke us during the night, which was disruptive for my kids who were doing key exams at the time. it was hard for me to leave the house for any period of time in case she fell over whilst i was out. i would have to arrange for someone to pop in and check....so required significant planning.

she would call regularly during the day for help. this could be because she urgently needed the toilet or just wanted to change TV channels - she could never differentiate which was hard when i was trying to work at the same time.

to do this LT i would have had to give up work.. This would have had significant financial implications for the rest of the family.

personally i wouldnt do it LT

Original poster

Pricedrop · 13/08/2019 10:59

And then what happens? A dementia care home is £1000/week. My parents house is worth approx £200,000. Who pays after that money is gone? If my mum stays in the house and my dad goes into a care home, they don't make her sell it to pay then? They just claim the house when she dies?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pricedrop · 13/08/2019 11:02

Of course I'm not 'happy' to wipe my dad's arse, but I can/will do it. My mum isn't frail but I appreciate that she could become. However, I REALLY can't afford to give up work to be a FULL time carer. I just want to help/support/provide respite. That said, I am disabled. My mobility isn't great and I wouldn't be able to lift my dad

What a mess

OP posts:

bringincrazyback · 13/08/2019 11:03

I'd strongly caution against it. My parents live with me and DH and my dad's health is now failing. I'm happy to be on hand to care for them so much (my mum has MH issues that mean she's not competent to take care of them both on her own) but you need to be prepared that it will swallow up your entire life and you may get scant recognition or thanks, and be taken for granted a lot of the time. Having my parents live with me has damaged my relationship with them, definitely, and despite the upsides I wouldn't do this again if I had my time over, as awful as it sounds.

Original poster

Pricedrop · 13/08/2019 11:04

I won't buy a place with them, if itea s then that my kids have to lose THEIR home to pay grandparents care home fees

Posting initially, I thought this was a plan to AVOID a care home. But, I'm beginning to see that it is probably inevitable

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 13/08/2019 11:04

as others have said you need to get advice from social services. i think people are correct that if your mother is living there then they cant take any money. Yes its a lot of money, but balance that with your mental health (and that of your family) and that you would probably have to give up work and forgo money and pension contributions. Plus if you have siblings part of that 200k would eventually go to them or possibly be used for your mothers care

HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 11:15

The value of the house will not be included in any financial assessment if your mum stays there. They will only look at other assets like savings. Age UK have a good factsheets called Paying For Care. First thing might be to ask for a needs assessment and a capacity assessment for dad, what does he want to do and is he able to make his own decisions. They should also have a financial assessment which will see how much he has and what help he could get. Would your mum want to stay in the house or would she like to move somewhere else anyway. It might be worth meeting with his doctor if he agrees to discuss his dementia and his future health and plans. If he wants to stay at home he could have equipment supplied and carers in. Does anyone have power of attorney to help them with finances and health issues.

HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 11:24

Your dads welfare is the priority, if your mum is struggling to look after him then they need help, she could also ask for a carers assessment. If your dad is able to make his own decisions he cannot be forced to accept care or be moved into a carehome. Maybe one of them might benefit from some respite care. How is the situation at the moment, is dad managing to look after himself, is he able to do things for himself safely.

Original poster

Pricedrop · 13/08/2019 11:35

He doesn't have a diagnosis because he won't go to the doctor. But there is no doubt. And there is family history. So, until he gets bad enough that we can TAKE him to the GP, we are a bit stuck with accessing support

I don't think he could look after himself, no. He can walk though, he isn't in a wheelchair

OP posts:

HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 11:43

That's difficult but does he want help or to move. Do you think he is safe at home. Does he wash himself and make his own meals and drinks. Maybe speak to your mum and ask her to see her doctor and explain she cannot manage. She can have a carers assessment. There might be a dementia nurse who could pay them a visit. What help does your mum need at the moment.

ukgift2016 · 13/08/2019 11:45

I work in adult social care.

Your father needs to get an assessment done by adult social care. You can self refer for this free assesment by online or by telephone.

In this assesment, they will look at your parents finances and what support your father and mother needs.

It may be a case of having carers come in daily to support your father in his own home. A care home is not the automatic solution for social services.

If your dad does go in a care home, they will not sell your home to fund care fees because your mother will still be living there.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/08/2019 11:50

Do you have powers of attorney in place for both parents?

NewName54321 · 13/08/2019 12:19

as others have said you need to get advice from social services

This ^
But before you do it, get advice from the Citizen's Advice Bureau or Age UK. DGM's social worker didn't tell us key information about the support available. Once DM and I had been to CAB, we knew what we needed to be asking for...

dreamingofsun · 13/08/2019 12:36

some old people can be quite selfish. some - and not saying this is your father - are happier running a relative into the ground rather than get assessed for something they dont want to have to accept - ie they have dementia. if your mother is really struggling, suggesting she seeks official help for herself would seem a good idea

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/08/2019 12:41

Re Attendance Allowance that PP have mentioned.

My Dad, when he was still here and suffering COPD End Stage(4)) and my Mum applied for the above. They kept telling me they have savings and wouldn't get any etc . Anyway they applied and they did get some payments for the remaining months of DDs life.

saraclara · 13/08/2019 12:43

You have it all wrong here, OP, so you really need to get some advice.

When the money runs out, care home/carers fees will be paid by the local authority. The very last thing you should do is have your own finances linked to your parents.

The majority of people in care homes are not self funding. Either they didn't have enough assets to start with, or they ran out of cash after a while (the position that my mum and my MIL are both in).
There is absolutely no need for you to take them in, for financial reasons

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