DM and small town gossip

[HeyMonkey]

Disclaimer: yes I'm sure when my mum is no longer here I would give anything to have her back waffling utter shite at me etc etc, before those posters jump on.

My DM has a heart of gold and is a thoroughly nice person. But Jesus Christ she talks complete shite at us for hours. Every anecdote:

A) She has told us before
B) Is about people we have never met.
C) Is completely inconsequential I.e is a story about a stranger who has a neighbor that has a niece who went to my school and is now working in the co-op where Woolworths used to be.

I just can't. She's a nice person, but WHY do I need to hear these Shakespearean monologues that have no point or ending.

I think this is a way of avoiding intimacy. I have read two books by Jonice Webb and she talks about this.

If you try to ask ''how did you feel when your sister asked you not to visit her when she was ill'' it will not result in any revelation about how it made her feel, or any questioning about how you feel about her sister's illness. (This is just an example).

Any attempt to open up a discussion about your or her fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, hopes, anxieties, expectations, lessons learnt, insights, it will all be shut right down.

This is one of the arrows in my mother's quiver.

That's a very good point. We absolutely never talk about anything "real".

We once walked into MIL's and she blurted

'Well, isn't she a complete bitch? I can't believe what she's done!'

Who?

That Tracy.

Tracy who?

Tracy Barlow! What she's done to that poor lad'.

A) we never watch soaps
B) it's pretend

Mum also spends ages telling us about people we don't know, have never met. Over and over. I don't care about Jane's blocked drains.

@HeyMonkey I have realised the same thing with my mother. She can feel quite comfortable firing quite intrusive questions at me. LIke eg ''are you in the menopause yet?'' when I don't feel we have that level of closeness. But when I have tried to establish a boundary in the past, it has been met with rage. Martyr beast stuff. So, it feels fake to me. We talk about any. old. shite. And I just accept that now. I did try to talk about things that mattered and it's like her eyes glazed over.

My mum tells the same stories (so we’re now talking hundreds of times) but the people/settings/details have changed over the years so now they’re absolute rubbish.

And you can’t cut her off mid-flow. It’s like she just has to carry on to the end.

And yes, no sensible questions about our lives ever. She won’t know my child’s GCSE results come out next week and would have no idea what the subjects are.

Yep, we also get in-depth reciting of tv soap storylines as if they're people she knows.

She knows we do not watch soaps. She just likes telling stories. Even if she's aware that nobody has a clue what she's talking about or is not interested in the slightest.

I've often wondered whether it's a form of social anxiety and worrying about not having much to talk about, or that she simply likes talking and the sound of her own voice. I suspect the latter.

There will occasionally be a burst of "How is the new job?" And I get about 10 seconds to speak until she starts talking about a neighbours cousins new job at the newsagents....

My family does this too. They ask a question and then interrupt me five seconds in to my reply with a dumb comment about whether or not the ice cream is soft enough or whether the potatoes are crispy.

This is my MIL to a T ! .... I dont even respond now, just smile and occasional nod of the head, 30 minutes can go by without me saying a word 😂

It's quite sad really isn't it. We're family but it often feels like we don't really know each other.

And if we really did know each other better I'm not sure we'd get on or be friends. We care about each other but I don't think either of us enjoy the other's company. We're just putting in the required amount of time.

This is how it is with my mum too. I dread her calls and seeing her. She monologues and repeats things. She never asks me anything.

Does anyone have any solutions? Because I just get incredibly irritated and spend the time trying not to snap, which is awful.

My nans the same... My mum was too. So is my aunty. None of them related by blood. Well to me they are. Nan is dad's mum. My mum and aunty married my uncle.
İ wander if it's just a British thing we do....as we get older..!? My DHs family don't do this and they aren't British and always wander what utter shite me and my family are waffling on about.

Because I just get incredibly irritated and spend the time trying not to snap

Same. It's sad isn't it. I'm often just waiting for the visit to be over. I've given up offering what we've been up to or where we're thinking of going on holiday. All it would lead to is Teresa in the post office is going to Malta next month, did you know her son who you went to playgroup with now has twins and they're mixed race... and she'd be off again.

Yes on the lay-by thing. DM stopped mid flow talking about going to Homebase last week to google exactly how many miles it was from their home because she thought it was 6 miles away but it might have been closer to 8.

My mum does this but I think its i because she wants to talk, but she actually has little to talk about as her world is now so small.

I think it is partly an utter lack of self-awareness and a measure of selfishness. They often don't care if it's interesting to the listener, they just want to be the one speaking.

We were once treated to a 20 minute monologue from my otherwise very lovely MiL.

The subject? Mrs A next door but one (who we have never met) left her conservatory light on ALL night!! How she managed to make that last 20 minutes is totally beyond me as I tuned out after the first 2.

I'm not even totally sure it's because their worlds have shrunk, DM isn't even 60 yet. She just lives very simply and doesn't go anywhere or do anything, so a tiny non-event seems worth talking about to her.

My parents are visiting at the mo and my mum is exactly like this. And they’re not helpful at all to outweigh it. OMG I am losing it 😄 they’re only here 2 nights. I’m such a horrible person. I have recently realised that as PP say, it’s her attempt at chatting without getting too intimate. It annoys me because it makes me feel like I need to stick to the small talk too.

That’s a good point, my mum doesn’t do anything either really other than see a few friends and her parents and in laws. She’s lovely and I can’t work out how she’s not sad/bored. She’s only 59.

Yep mil talks incessantly about people we have never met. Tells the same anecdotes over and over and over and just incessantly talks at us about her dull friends. My own mother is going the same way and kept telling me the woman along the street died and insisted I knew her..erm no I don’t i’ve Never laid eyes on her but she insists. She’ll never accept she’s wrong either. They couldn’t tell you where either me or husband work or what we do for a living.

Ha my parents just came over for a chat and dad mentioned he'd been to see granny. He said when he walked in she started talking about Dorothy over the road and all her health ailments..All stuff he's heard before. He said he just stopped granny, said he isn't interested in hearing about Dorothy and just wanted to say hello to granny and hear about her stuff, not bloody dorothy over the road who we don't know, don't care about and isn't relevant.

@heymonkey that is an explanation of someone whose world has shrunk. It is people who do very little in their life. My mum is older than yours, but does so little. A "busy" week will involve a visit to a hospital appointment plus the weekly supermarket shop and a visit to the chemists for medication. She only speaks to family, a few neighbours, the GP, the pharmacist and a few shop workers. So when she talks to me she has very little to talk about.

So I hear all about the neighbours she chats to and their family, about one of the cashiers at the supermarket who sounds chatty and tells her things about her family, and how lovely the pharmacist is.

I get that it is irritating to hear about people you don't know, but I think it shows a lack of understanding. I do think though not being interested in you is a different point though. They should be interested in your life. But it is a two way street, you have to at least feign interest in their life, however boring you think their life is.

They couldn’t tell you where either me or husband work or what we do for a living.
Yep!! This is so true, same situation. No comprehension, no ability to think about real things. It's very strange actually!

Oh and I do think it's about living in a small bubble not doing anything. So anything minute seems a bit deal or a big hoo ha when actually, its totally mundane and insignificant.